Convincing my wife time to let her Dad who lives with us move into a home.

Beretta, yes move ahead with research, do not tell your wife you are doing it, if you think it may make her angry. When it comes up again, you can casually mention that you heard good things about such and such a place. She does not need to know that you were the one that actually visited. And when you visit these places tell them the problems that your wife is having. They deal with this sort of thing often and may be able to offer some suggestions that will be helpful.

Beretta, go to an Assisted Living near you, say one with 80 residents. You will find 10 men and 70 women. The men are far from bored, they are swatting the women away left and right. So if you were dad, would you rather be bored to death living with your kids, or on the cruise with the ladies?
(based on actual observation of a nearby AL facility).

I sgree with Pam, based on what ive seen in NY snd Connecticut. So, havd you ever sought youf fil's opinion sbout this? Maybe he's dying to go. Just take him around to various places to look so he gets s feel for whst they're like. He's not incompetent.

Your wife's refusal to discuss the issue effectively blocks any action that she might have to take. Whether it's indecision, inability, stonewalling, or what, she's making it clear she's not going to move on the issue.

So what you can do is start researching and touring facilities on your own, without mentioning it to your wife and provoking her.

But make it adamantly clear that anyone who attempts to follow up by contacting your home (land line) residence in any way will immediately be eliminated from consideration. Or just even given them your name when you tour; make it all anonymous. You don't want some bumbling marketer calling your home and blurting out your activities to your wife.

As to your FIL, watch for signs of depression, sadness, thousand yard stares, unwillingness to engage...similar changes in behavior. The "I'm the last one realization" is often a bitter pill to swallow.

Baretta, you may want to keep looking, but keep it on the down low. I did look into respite care without my husband actually knowing. I told him later what I found out after he mentioned it. You know your wife best on how she may take it.

Go ahead with the AL research! If you ever get a small window of opportunity, you'll be ready!

I have started the process by contacting a Beautiful facility that has arrangements from AL up to hospice care. State of the art built 4 yrs ago, security and fire systems and within 15 min of immediate family. As my wife is very hesitant, I will be taking her brother with me on my 1st visit, which he is fine with. Once he is convinced of the place, we will put my FIL on a reserve list until my wife is ready to let go.
She might not be responding positive to me but will listen to her Brother.
So with all that is happening, i see a wee light at the end of this tunnel

Beretta, does brother have dad's POA? Great to see you moving forward!

No my Wife does, his girlfriend and him help us a lot. And he is someone my wide will respond to..........once he sees this place, and responds positvely--she will also be on board with this.

Beretta, go see more than one. For a lot of reasons, but if you can, book another tour.

It's good if you can honestly be thinking "how does this compare to the other place?" There is a lot of superficial beautiful out there, but some of the older facilities have a better quality of care.

you can compare costs, and possibly use the lower cost of one to bargain with the other. Yes, there is a lot of haggling that CAN go on if you are private pay. Try to find out what the occupancy rate of each facility is. The emptier they sre, thee hunger they are. (It might be an indication of poor care, so do online searches)

it will add to your FIL sense that he's not bring given the bum's rush.

if they disparage the practise of another facility (assigned seating, say), ask if they tried that method and what they found lacking. Find out what their "approach" to dementia is. Do they have a director of nursing? What is her training with dementia residents. (Assigned seating means EVERYONE has a place to sit and allows for the folks running the place to avoid the "mean girls" lunchroom thing. Some places just 'wing' the dementia thing and hope for the best. Other places have rigorously researched programs in place with extensive staff training .

Ask how many (actual numbers) and percentage of males there are. You want to make sure FIL has a peer group.

and lastly, I'm a big believer of comparison shopping. It's an easy way for there to be more, less artificial conversation about this fraught subject. Good luck.

So on Saturday my FIL's sister passed. He is taking it well, maybe a bit too well. Keeping an eye on him up to and after the Funeral my wife and I will be. Good suggestion was that his brother in Law whom is 83 will be going to a home soon we can send my FIL to be a neighbor. But of course my wife is hesitant. Any Thoughts?????