my 92 year old mother moved in with me 3 years ago. i lived 5 hours away from her and she could no longer live alone. we have always had a fractured relationship but she was not ready for assisted living as her physical health was very good for her age. i thought i owed her this but i had no idea what i was getting in to. there is no one to help me and in 3 years she has mode no attachments except for my friends that i have included in her life. her short term memory and mental changes has made it nearly impossible for us to ive together any longer and she is so controlling and anxious that i can hardly leave the house with her getting upset. i teach and soon i will return to school and i am so worried about leaving her and about her depression and safety. when i bring up any sort of changes; in home assistance and (!!!)assisted living she cries and then turns mean and hurtful saying that i never wanted her here anyway and i just want what is best for me, and then reminding me what she has done for me my whole life....i am at the end of my rope. sometimes i think i can go on and then other days i just want to leave the house andnot return. i can hardly go out with friends. i rush home from school to sheck on her and mow my friends are reaaly not helpful and are tired of listening to me. they just say...put her in a home. i have recently see a counselor and now she is telling me the same thing and that i am letting my mother control me (Again!!) so now i feel pressured to make a decision. i can't make my mother go....she is competent. i cant just call the movers and tell her to get in the car.....i feel guilty, stressed, angry, manipulated, and i havelost any feelign of love for my mother....she is not the same person and i try to understand that. then i feel pity for her and know she must be so frightened too. but i cant bring up a normal and rational conversation with her regarding making any changes becuase she immediately becomes like a child...crying and yelling. how have other only children dealt with this dilema alone and without any support. i am divorced and have no children........even mymothers doctors have been no help when i bring up needing suggestions as to her care and health. they act like.....'hey i dont want to get involved in any family drama.'

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
I am so sorry for the struggle you are going thru. I have found this a great site to get support from and to just vent. We all know what you are going thru but yet everyone's struggle is a bit different. I am an only child and although my mother and I are living 800 miles apart I have had to deal with the same issues this year when she had a medical issue and I thought I was going to have to move her to a nursing home. Thankfully she is well enough to take care of herself now but she did the same thing as your mother does when we had to start talking about this. I was lucky that I could just come home when she was acting irrational but we did get to a point of talking about it. I told her that I loved her and that no matter what she said or did I was going to continue to love her and that there was nothing she could do about that. I told her that it made me scared to be away from her for fear that she would get hurt. I told her that when she was taking care of me she made me do things that I did not want to do for my own good and that now I am trying to do things that are in her best interest even though she might not think so. I also have a friend who took her mother "just for the day" to a nursing home. She had made an arrangement with them to let her mother come for the day, several days in a row. Once her mother saw that it was not as bad as she thought it would be, she agreed to move there. She is super happy now even though she still talks about how much she misses her house. I also read a book called "Dealing with Difficult Parents" and that helped me say things in such a way that I was not causing disagreements all the time. Sometimes when my mother is fussing at me about something "I did" I just say "I am sorry you feel that way" and I do what I was going to do anyway. I guess in the end we all have to realize that we can not make anyone "happy" as each person is responsible for their own happiness. All you can do is what is necessary to keep her safe. You can not be responsible for her happiness. Free yourself of that and do what you think is right for both of you!

You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers!

As having personally taken care of grandparents and mother in law (which is why I started my company) you have to first do what is right for you, now if you can have her with you and not cause you such distress that is great but if the alternative is moving her to an AL then that is your option. First I would find a good home health agency and have a CNA come in while your home to start helping. You can also look for adult day cares and if she is of sound mind and the day care will go along with it tell her you found her a volunteer position helping other seniors less fortunate than her. Then she will be some where safe while your at work and you don't have to worry about her during the day...have an aide come to help a few nights a week so you can still have a life...again would be more than willing to talk to you to help find a solution that works for you.

thank to both of you for your kindness and compassion. the understandign that i find on this site, most of the time is so reassuring. Iknow my situation is not a critical or as frustrating as some others.....siblings and spouses are not always helpful.....but on those days that I feel i can't take it, it is nice to have some kind strangers from far away send a hug, or a word of encouragement, or a snese that they, too have been here. thanks again.

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter