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Regardless of what anyone says, I have to say that care giving is akin to living hell. It really is.....the time and aggravation alone is mind boggling. It's never ending! It's literally a 24/7 commitment......no, it is a 24/7 commitment. It gets very old real soon......the same regimen day in and day out. It do not wish that torture on my worst enemy. Servitude......that word says it all. Most families will have to endure this hell at some point in their lives. It's as though life gets going smoothly for awhile and then the curse of old age comes into the picture and the gravy train stops and the torture takes over. It's just one of the many pitfalls of life. It's the way life is......for all of us. No one gets to live a good life, we all have to endure our share of craziness in our life......whether is be financial trouble, health problems......or whatever.......Murphy's Law is always there to give us trouble. You all know how Murphy's Law works......"what can go wrong, will go wrong". I hold that saying to be most true.

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Oh, it's not THAT bad. One of my main problems is boredom with the mundane. I mean, there is nothing exciting about spending hours in a doctor's office or cleaning the bathroom 3-4 times a week. And I get so tired of cooking nutritious meals -- my mother is diabetic. Torture? no. Boredom? yes.
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No, it is living in a time warp or groundhog's day. The same craziness over and over. I have answered the same question 25 times for 14 days in a row with mother who has dementia. I have listened to the same stories 100 times for 3 years and the ending never changes. They were wronged, someone did them wrong or someone tried to do them wrong and they will never forget it. They are right - some of these things happened before I was born and I am pretty old.
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Groundhog Day YES, and Roscoe you have what we do down pat! I keep thinking maybe this is all a bad dream and I will wake in the morning and have a great " over coffee" conversation with my husband, but as burned out says I have listened to the same stories, try to answer the same questions from sunup to sundown & sometimes in between. God Bless all the caretakers.
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What is wrong with you people? I work as an RN 12-14 hours a day in a Psychiatric Hospital and then come home to relieve the caregiver of my mother for the remainder of my day/night until I get up and come back to work on the psych unit for another 12-14 hours a day. I gave up my pretty little townhouse and freedom to take care of my mother whom has later stage Parkinson's disease after my father past recently. All of my belongings are stored, I have been displaced but I am doing this because I love her. She took care of me for 18 years, it is hard, very hard, I am tired. She doesn't want to sleep until midnight and I leave for work at 5 am but do you hear me whinning? NO. I am content with the fact that I am doing all I can for her, I like her stories 100 times. You will wish you could hear your loved one's voice one day. Don't be selfish!!!!
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If attitude alone was the deciding factor of how hard this job is, I'd agree with you, Weekendsoff. However, I'd guess you haven't read some of the horror stories on this site. Before judging all these hardworking, selfless, CARING individuals, I hope you do. And .. if you still have that attitude after reading how complicated and difficult it can be, I can only say, "Karma."
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I think what you fail to realize "LadeeC" is that I am a Registered Nurse and have been for many years so I do know how complicated and difficult care giving can be. I have no tolerance for selfishness.
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How nice, weekendsoff, that you have the luxury of being busy outside of your loved one's presence for twelve to fourteen hours a day. That must be nice. I think I could be fresher and more attentive to my Mom's stories if I had the opportunity to relate to healthy people my own age for a few hours a day. I have a Master's degree in social work and I left a job as a petroleum engineer because there is NO ONE else to care for my Mom (who I love very, very much.) I'm not whining. I am here to exchange comfort with people who understand me and I mean people who know what 24 hours a day with a single human being is like. I'm not selfish - I didn't hire some stranger to come in and spend those endless hours with my mother - I chose to be here to give her comfort and love and the very best care available to her. I don't regret my job but I don't apologize for being tired sometimes (like you) and for even needing a pat on the back sometimes.

I'm really glad you're so happy with your choice as well.
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12-14 hours a day, would that be 5 days a week? I doubt that, Three days on, 4 off, we have RNs in the family also, if you only have the weekend off, you are in need of a real vacation! who cares for your mother the 12-14 hours every day you work? if I get out a total of 2 hours a week, that would be 7 days, I feel like I scored a victory. The bathroom & grocery store are my respite. And yes I had a great job too, but that is in the past. are you the head nurse on that psych ward, or do you get your hands dirty like the rest of us! your comments are not what I needed to hear after a highly charged round of sundowning.
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Yes I agree with the other poster's re weekendsoff....those of us who do this 24/7 do suffer from burnout and boredom and have a right to be unhappy with the situation...I does not mean I would have it any other way...I too love my mother and would and will give all to her but long for company and intellectual stimulation...your perspective is because you do have a job taking you away from the home and giving you some other outlets and interaction with functioning human beings....I found your comment very intune to your situation. when you are completely homebound and have no other company or conversation in your life but your charge it Is very trying!!!! Again I love my mother dearly but will complain of the lonliness and isolation this job provides. if I had the luxury to pay for help to let me get out n work I would also....but my folks and I have gone thru hard times financially!!
please be considerate of others situations and I don't think any of us don't love our parent but certainly are suffering from CG burnout/compassion fatigue...being a nurse should be aware of that syndrome
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yes respite is the moments I toilet or shower and 2nd is way less than it used to be...last time I dyed my hair painted my nails or wore makeup is way to long to even remember!!! not cause I don't want to but whoTF has the energy for that anymore when your respite is a moment on the pot or ?? I just told my friend that story as a matter of fact...she is helping me with faith and encouraging me to pray and had to share my story that I do my praying on the pot...only time I can be alone for a minute!!!!
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weekendsoff likes to make bold statements. thats not a crime. i agree with the ending of that post. im sitting alone tonight and wish like hell that mom was rapping on my door every 10 minutes with some tidbit of ocd craziness. elders can drive ya nuts but treasure that crazy s**t while you can..
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I believe that a big thing in the way we feel about caregiving is if we have a way to recharge our wells. If our loved one require 24/7 intense care and we don't have help, our wells run dry. There is no one to help put anything back in. Some caregivers have duties that include dressing, helping to toilet, changing soiled clothes, cooking, feeding, and doing all the house and yard work. Often their efforts are met with angry comments from the one they are caring for and total ignoring by friends and family. People say they need respite to recharge their wells, but no one says how. I love family members who say we need to take a break, but can't put helping into their busy schedules.

I do think caregiving can be rewarding and I know it can be tolerable. However, people can only keep giving so long without something coming back in. Many of us just end up poor and all alone, while receiving many insincere accolades of what wonderful children we are. Pretty soon it all sounds like blah blah blah.

I like what Hillary Clinton used to say about children -- that it takes a community to raise a child. I think the same is true about older people, but the community evaporates and blows away during those final years, often leaving just one person to go through the pain with them.
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This is a safe place to vent, whine, commiserate and get SUPPORT! How dare anyone call us selfish! Sounds like this "nurse" doesn't have a freakin clue what a REAL caregiver does. It's a whole lot different when it's 24/7...and FAMILY! You all are being very polite. I am very cranky tonight and speaking my mind without being PC. I'm sure the "nurse" will get over herself.
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Ps. Boy would I love to do a 14 hr shift, taking care of strangers without an emotional connection, having normal conversations with co workers, getting a lunch break, etc.....sounds like a vacation to me!
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You know "selfish" can go both ways. The nurse, oh excuse me the Registered Nurse, surely must have patients who are selfish but she doesn't tolerate selfishness. Huh?
Share, vent, ask for and give support here, but there is never room for judging others. Everybody's journey is unique and personal.
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vent away boni. some carers are living a nightmare, others not so terrible. im only defending everyones right to speak their mind. weekendsoff said some of us are being whiny jerks, boni sed weekendsoff can blow it out her ass, and i miss my mom. lol.. its all good..
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I have to say, Roscoe888, you scare me. I'm really afraid that that is how I will feel about my life in the future. I admit, I am selfish. I want to have some pleasure and relaxation in my life. I'm not so selfish that I won't do (most of) what I have to do to make my husband's life bearable as the journey continues. So I take a LOT of comfort from JessieBelle's comment. It's not that I don't believe Roscoe888. It's just that I don't WANT to believe you!

And IMHO, I don't think anyone who objects to whining belongs on any support group! Whining is protected in the US Constitution, Amendment One. You say whining, I say venting.
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Awh Captain,, I am sorry for your loss. I know what missing a parent feels like.. I miss my dad every single day. I go to his grave in Mesa and feel so empty leaving.. You just reminded me of him.. One of his favorite phrases Blow it out your ass,, he usually said it while driving. My dad used to pick up my son to go fishing and the last time was two months before he died. My son came in the house and said mom grandpa should not be driving anymore.. He cut somebody off in front of target and told them to blow it out thier ass.. LOL he was only 73. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. they say it gets easier.. Not yet it will be eight months on the 25th,, he died christmas night..
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and weekends off...you state you recently took charge of your mom....I am one month away from 9 YEARS of 24/7 I too was less stressed in the first few years but now it is on fifth of my entire life just devoted to her.....with no personal life at all anymore...no one wants to come n hang out with the old lady n I and we are too weak n tired now to get out together!!! therefore I am stuck in homebound with her. ughh I am not in the mood for selfishness and that was your comment...no consideration for others situation!
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It is interesting that the "good" caregivers are to give up their personal lives, their jobs and their plans for the future and all in the name of being loving children. I am a loving daughter who no longer recognizes the people that my parents have become. I am always tired although I have caregivers that help me during the day - I have a family business so I can pay for my healthcare, mortgages, etc., and my families' mortgages, etc.. My parents have no boundaries. Last night at 12:30 am my mom woke me up to tell me that I needed to wash some clothes for my dad, since his favorite pants needed to be washed. She got so agitated that I got up and washed the pants. There is drama everyday and every little thing is a big deal. Other than work, I have not been out of my house with the exception of picking up medicine, going to doctors, medical tests and buying groceries. Some friends invited me to the opening of their new restaurant and were shocked when I said I would be unable to attend. People who have not been caregivers just don't understand the amazing arrangements that are required when parents can't stay alone and the utter isolation for the caregiver. Without outside stimulation, my parents live in the past and other than Lawrence Welk seem to have not a lot in which to look forward. If I never see Bobby and Sissy again, it will be too soon.
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Caregiving can be really, really hard. I "fell into" caregiving because my siblings (all except one were older) kept telling my mother to ask me. So she stopped asking them to take her to doctors' appointments, to grocery outings, and so forth. This started when I was 23. My mother passed away in January. She had dementia bc she was oxygen deprived due to COPD. She had a host of other things, and was very tiny and prone to falling. I finished a BA and two Master's degrees in spite of caregiving (for the last degree, I demanded my siblings help bc I had gotten into a program out of state.) It is hard, and unfortunately, it usually falls on one person, no matter how many kids are in a family. I had my sleep interrupted when mom would scream for me bc she had fallen, she could be mean, and I would cry. But we had lots of good days, and I miss her terribly. My siblings? I feel sorry for them. They had no idea who they were mourning. They only related to her as though they were still children. Their grief was different from mine and I couldn't stand to be around them to hear their guilty recollections as I have no sympathy, well, very little. Find ways to take short breaks, and breathe. At 40, I am trying to remember what makes me, me. I have a spa appointment tomorrow. I can't wait. Hang in there. No caregiver is selfish. "Selfish caregiver" is an oxymoron. Hope I didn't ramble.
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Caregiving is a very mixed bag. Much depends on your personality, training, inclination, support (family, friends, etc.), and time spent in "forced" (as opposed to "chosen") caregiving. For those of us who never imagined such an extremely long time caregiving for someone that we never particularly liked in the first place (such as my extremely bigoted, racist, judgmental, demanding MIL), then YES! -- caregiving is a LIVING HELL! And YES, I find myself praying that God will let her die SOON, and praying that He understands my request. On the other hand, I also believe (most of the time!) that God would not give me a burden that I was not able to bear. I have very conflicting feelings, but it is a very conflicting situation. Yes, I usually feel like I am living in an earthly Hell. I don't think I am alone in that feeling.
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I feel what weekendsoff is saying; is that attitude is paramount to how we all handle the 24/7 grind. If we concentrate on why we are doing the 24/7 grind, love of the person, rather then the who and the what, the burden is easier and more joyous. She is not belittling anyone, or underestimating the burden.
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a bigoted, rascist, judgemental, demanding MIL. her and i would have a ball lighting bags of crap on peoples porches.
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I am a retired RN and I can not believe the judgemental statements from weekends off. Of all people she should be more sensitive to what caregivers go thru.Sounds to me she has a martyr complex.Also as a psychiatric nurse does she know anything about the stats on suicide among caregivers? I'll have to write later.Just so steamed that a fellow nurse could be so obtuse.
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Hi I disagree NOT all families go through this hell! Some of my friends parents are old happy and healthy they may just die in thier sleep? Dementia is cruel just down right cruel caring for someone with this is very very hard noone could possibly understand how hard this is unless theyve experienced it! Old does not mean mad??? I know lots of happy healthy old people who are a joy to be with and FUN this is not FUN this is the pitts!! I used to have FUN with my mum I dont know who this monster is and how bad this is going to get im scared! Some peoples answers here are a bit too serious lets face it we are here to let rip,get this off our chests,relieve our stress which is actually quite healthy if certain people are going to judge in a negative way and make this person feel guilty then what are you doing here?????????? tell it like it is and be honest this is not easy for anyone no matter what these DOGOODIES think. We are all human!
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Good on ya texarkana! I meant martyrs but dogoodies came out same thing really! I love honest people who tell it how it is and no BS. I am going through hell with my mum doing all I can, do whats right and fighting an illness I know nothing about I am not a martyr I do not want to see my mum like this I do not feel that I have been such a bad person that this is my KARMA??(oh please!) the resaon im here on this site is because I CARE!!!!!! Am steamed at the negative comments and insinuations here going out for a smoke!
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Okay I am back.Had to count to ten. I have 30yrs experience as an RN. I worked medical floors, ICU's for 16 yrs.also worked 5 years in a trauma hospital OR.I would just love to meet this RN psych. No matter her personal feelings you don't put those on other people.What she sees as selfish may not be that actual story.She is projecting her personal feelings and values on others.Sounds like she missed a few of her psych classes.People please don't listen to this person.Since coming to this website I have read so much hurt, pain,fear,bravery,determination,,so much humanity.What would this nurse tell a person that is faced with taking care of a person that was their abuser? I would love to hear her thoughts on that one.Just reading from other people that they have been having the same thoughts I have been having has been a tremendous help to me,Thank god I didn't run in to Psycho Nurse.This place helps me keep my situation in perspective. I have it better than some and worse than others.Today I got so angry at my mother's behavior I thought I was going to have a screaming fit in a veterinarian's office today.What I hung on to was as soon as I get home I am going to get on my computer and come to this site and just let it out.Don't ever let anyone call any of you selfish, they don't walk in your shoes.Love to all.
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Captain you made me laugh!!! Now thats what this site is all about,laugh cry,shout ,scream but never JUDGE!!
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texarkana! if you can calm down by counting to ten you must be a very calm person!! Ive had 2 cigs and am now deep breathing into a brown paper bag can you come and look after my mum and ME!
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