I'm so unhappy, and I don't recognize my life anymore. Mom moved in with me 6 months ago during cancer treatment, and she's still here. The issue now is major anxiety and depression post-treatment. She's afraid to leave. I'm doing everything, except emptying the dishwasher.Her constant negativity is exhausting me. I do have a sibling who's an active caregiver, but she gets to go home (lucky her).
I've had my own health challenges this year, which have been ignored to take care of mom. My work and social life have suffered, and I've gained a lot of weight. I don't recognize my body and nothing fits anymore.
What's just pushed me over the edge now is that mom is still making her own decisions. That is good, but although she asks for our advice, she doesn't always take it. I'm currently taking care of a property issue to make sure that it doesn't blow up any further. This has added a whole new level of stress to my life, but I'm afraid that if I do nothing her financial stability will be threatened. My stomach is in knots just typing this.
Oh yeah, mom is a narcissist and was abusive when my sister and I were children.
I feel trapped, and I have not spent the night away from this house in over a year and a half. I have one sibling, whom I love but is no help and his wife is absolutely selfish and never visits...has not been here in almost two years.
To make matters worse, I left my career, my home, everything behind and moved back here because I lived in a townhome which was not acceptable for Mom although looking back as she never moves from this chair it was as acceptable as this home is....I am about to lose my home in foreclosure to put the cherry on top....
I am feeling very resentful and extremely angry these days..at the brother who does nothing other than buy a package of depends each week..(usually) but does not contribute to any other financial issues...(we were left owing thousands of dollars in co pays even with excellent insurance coverage) and I will be paying on those the rest of my life. I have no health insurance so anticipate Mom may very well outlive me...
What to do.....I keep watching this site but so frequently see shades of similarities in all our lives...the family that never calls or visits, the siblings who refuse to share responsiblity, the inlaws who are disconnected because it's not THEIR parent.
I am praying very hard for patience and understanding as Mom's mental capacity continues to deteriorate and praying that the financial ruin of my own life will not be my end. But I am frustrated....and I understand...I have my really good moments, but I have some really bad ones for which I am ashamed when I feel so resentful....Funny thing is Mom doted on my brother all his life...he had to have the best, the most, whatever he wanted...I was left with whatever I got...I know she loves me but guess I think she loves him more (I was a Daddy's girl)
I am a strong woman, but feel myself cracking...Mom's siblings have all but abandoned her and do not even call anymore...why should they, they know that I have it "under control"...I am feeling anything but in control these days...but praying that I can just go one day at a time....and that's really what we have to do...I know I'm not any help...unless it's to say I do so totally understand your feeling of being trapped...God bless.....I know I will have no regrets later on, but fear I am going to carry forward some resentments that will never be mended....towards sibling and family members who abandoned us both...
Like you have had major health issues the last few years which have healed but this stress is making me ill and I feel very alone family all off living a life.
I washed my hair today and felt a bit better but havnt washed it in over a week thats not me? Thankgod I have a shower everyday! Like you have put on wieght cant fit into my clothes keep saying ill diet and excercise? who am I kidding im mentally and physically exhausted and need a break from mum!
my mum has to go to another city to get her hearing aids tomorrow I thought great my brother can bring her in his car BUT OH NO mum dosnt want to go with him his car is not comfortable? what shes really saying is my brother will drop her there and bring her home she wont get to potter around shops and chit chat like with me!
I get so tired sometimes i cry stupid silly things i could have done tomorrow like watch TV with no mum for a few hours starts to mean alot?? Yeh who the hell am I?
Im sitting here waiting for my cat to come in (we have no catflap) he hasnt been here since 4pm today and its not like him not to come back and have his food im worried sick!
I know hes a cat and they wander but not him hes so routine and its cold outside and he LOVES his bed.
Im thinking the worst but cant wait up all night maybe hes ok and im just so down and at a low that im being negative.
He means so much to me I couldnt lose him now hes my comfort my little furry friend.
Anyone up? can you pray he will be back and safe. Sometimes we know our pets and this gut feeling is bad but I will go to bed now and hopefully hell be back in the morning!
So worried!
I hear ya...I woke around 4AM today and never could go back to sleep worrying about everything, unpaid bills, Mom's health. I feel like I sleep with one eye and one ear open, always listening for her breathing..making sure she IS breathing...It takes a toll doesn't it.. bless your heart. I think we're all in the same boat in some form or fashion....and from what I am hearing from some of my friends who have actually been there, we do come out on the other side...and it is worth it...but there are the dark days or the sad days or the days with worry where you can't help but wonder...please keep us posted...let us know your little furkid came home.. prayers.. :)
@PStiegman, ouch! Not that helpful. Yes, I chose to have mom stay with me, but I didn't exactly choose to have the anxiety filled, depressed parent that I've ended up with. Things can change pretty quickly in this care giving business; very few of us really know what we are signing up for.
Why did I do this? It made the best sense for my family and for my mom, so that she would have the best chance of a successful recovery (and continued independence). I wanted to remain true to my values and beliefs. Also, like many adults who have suffered abuse, I still love my mom. It's not all black and white. She will be leaving my home by the end of this year, hopefully by mid-November. But that won't solve all my problems, it's clear that my sister and I need to take on additional responsibilities in other areas, if we want to help mom stay independent, financially and otherwise. It's the new normal, and I'm feeling really resentful.
@hope, I understand. I have 2 pairs of black stretch pants that I now hate. At least you shower everyday. ;) I don't always, as I work from a home office, although I probably should. Like you, I like looking good, so this really is the pits. I wrote my post above after a really bad shopping trip.I think that it forced me to see the physical proof of how bad I'm feeling emotionally. I think that if I felt better about myself, I could handle the mom stuff better. I ended up ordering some jeans and a couple of bras on-line. A decent bra and a comfy pair of jeans would do me a world of good right now.
Mom has been with my sister since Saturday (coming back Thursday am), so I'm very lucky to have a break.
The best thing that I did was demand that my sister and I meet with a geriatric care specialist. We've met about 4 or 5 times since mom moved in with me, and it's really helpful to have a knowledgeable, neutral party to guide us and help us negotiate this terrain. Most importantly, she helps my sister see my perspective. My sister's great, but she doesn't have a clue about the day-in-day out of care giving.
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
...
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."
It is possible to see that your parent gets good care without personally doing the hands-on caregiving. If you are trapped, it is a trap you can open.
The worry, anxiety, depression, resentment, uncertainty I've cycled through in the past couple of years of full time caregiving life is crushing. It has changed me, as well, into someone who acts differently than I used to. The comments about showering, washing hair, dressing down... I can certainly relate.
I don't have answers. But I can say some prayers for all of us, and for safe return of your 'furkid' (lol! never heard that before, hope22), Kazaa.
Another day, another day....same old same old....I have found that if I get up before time to get Mom up I have some "me" time...but I have to drag myself out to do that and so many times I feel catatonic when I awaken....which oversized humongo tshirt do I wear today? And tweety bird or pink flower pull on pants....hair in ponytail...I'm good to go...
I am going to pray all goes well for all of you (us) out there today. I love my Mom with all my heart..truly...but on the rough days I truly do get so resentful, angry, aggravated and depressed, and yet I think those feelings may be directed inward more than anything as I should have known going into this what it would be as my brother has NEVER felt the responsibility for caring for my parents. When Mom was in the hospital (almost two months total between major medical and then subsequent rehab) I took off work to be with her so my brother would not have to, and believe me he didn't offer...and that is my fault. I think sometimes I have a Joan of Arc complex and brother am I paying the price for it now....but if I didn't, I already know Mom would be in a nursing home, and, most likely, no longer with us. So onward and forward and one day at a time. I do try to find happy moments in things I enjoy, coffee on the deck with my furkids, working in the yards, sorting through my pretty clothes and believing I will get back in them....and sometimes, when Mom is napping, I take a nap too....Here's to a happy day for yall...God bless and stay strong... :)
*Hope22* You said in your profile that you're 'close to your brother' so maybe it's time you asked him for help. If he doesn't have it in him to be physically hands on with his mother, then maybe he can financially help you take care of her. Sit down with him and put your cards on the table. Ask him for help, and tell him he's all you have. Unless his heart is made of stone, he'll help you somehow. If he doesn't have the resources, then at least you've let him know you're in trouble and the two of you can brain storm how to make things better. Your martyr thing is stopping him from feeling wanted and needed, and that's not fair.
I went to bed exhausted and then just about to nod off when GOD NO my mum got up and was pottering around the house so after a long night and 2 hours sleep I had to go on the bus with mum who hadnt slept and was very crabby AND had an accident on the bus and stank the whole bus out i think at that stage i was in NARNIA as soon as we got off the bus I brought her to the toilet to get her cleaned up and she got very angry saying "she couldnt smell anything?" Oh please ground open up! I told her that even though she could not get the smell it wasnt very nice for others around and on the bus she said " i couldnt careless about others" and stormed off in a mood?
What a day am home now mum has her hearing aids and my cats back! Just another day in the life of a caregiver??
Hugs and prayers to all.....we are "earth angels" LOL
My neighbours mum had ALS her cat just disappeared one day she said the cat felt all the tension and MOVED ON!!! GULP!!
Then another guy who looked very attractive on photo when I arrived he was quite ugly,sat down never even offered me a drink and said quite confidently "look I dont want to waste my time so lets get this out of the way now as its important I WANT KIDS DO YOU?" I said UGH NO WAY and ran for the hills!
Yep that was online dating for me but if I dont go out not that I dont wont to go out I just dont have anyone to go out with? maybe I should try it again i just cant put my photo up on a site as i worry about "weirdos" men are very visual and dont respond if theres no photo?
My sis has had alot of online dates over the past 6yrs and never met anyone just men looking for "no strings"
I may look into it again but still romance about "eyes meeting across a crowded room etc...." Im divorced 17yrs and havnt had a serious relationship since my ex of course met and married another woman within a year? men cant live 5mins on their own! LOL
the negativity, the neediness.
I also got my work review today; worst ever for me. I'm average-ish, or slightly below. What's most disappointing to me is that outside taking care of mom, work is the only thing that I do. Everything else in my life has been put on hold. So the one thing that I'm doing is below average. :-(
Regarding time frame, yep, this was/is temporary. Plan was that she would leave at the end of August, beginning of September. There's no physical reason why she can't go. She wants to wait until she "feels better". We recently talked about her leaving by Nov. 21. The talk was proceeded by me having a bit of a breakdown, but whatever. She will be out of my house by December 31, whatever it takes. But it is clear that things have changed and she will need more assistance help from my sister and I.
I NEVER would have agreed to anything other than a temporary situation. Also, my sister and I have a fair split. She does medical appointments and provides funds for respite for me (just started that).
On the bright side, I got a new bra today. Such a small thing, but it makes me feel that at least something is going right. I'm uplifted and supported. ;-)
Glad things a bit better for you and I know the feeling when they are coming back the anxiety. My mum went to stay with my sister for a wk when she arrived home my back went almost as soon as she walked in the door I then realised just how much stress this is and what an effect she has on my health.
Last week ive been very down and was grieving my mums illness this week im realising that who am I kidding I cant do this on my own and need some sort of a life before its too late.
My family are coming next week and I will tell them that the only solution is mum goes into a home for both our sakes and health.
Mum wont wear her hearing aids
she is not taking her meds and wont let me have them
she wont have a bath
she wont go for a walk (rang doc today and told him I need help he said if she dosnt start to excercise she will deteriorate faster great!)
shes not taking her insulin as she should
she takes all her money out of bank and walks around with her purse open for everyone to see
She cant walk and gets tired after even 15mins
she is falling over when she gets up off sofa like a drunk
she has clutter all over and no space to get into bed and gets angry when I suggest cleaning it.
Ive come to the sad conclusion that I cannot help her unless my life is going to be constantly shouting at her and this isnt healthy for either of us. I cant handle her alone and need back up my family have no idea what its like and how constant it is she never lets up.
I honestly think she will be better off in a home and will live longer if shes better cared for.
She wont listen to me or do what I ask and I cant take anymore my family are going to try and talk with her its hard either she does what shes told and let me have her meds or she will be better off in a NH.
I will have a talk with a professional as I really cant cope with her and dont get enough of a break she will get free respite every 3 months for a wk? sometimes I feel ill be dead before her.
So sad she was never a demanding person and was quite independent she would never have wanted to end up like this but I know when enough is enough and me feeling constantly ill is not good im miserable and thats no life!
So happy you got a new bra........ go girl!
I've been doing this for four years now. I lost my job (they say my performance got worse and didn't improve, and I spent too much time out taking my dad to dr appts!) Yes, my performance suffered!! I also have my own health condition (herniated discs, arthritis all over, fibromyalsa). I've got nerve pain shooting down my arms and hands. I'm in constant pain. And I alone take care of dad...I guess my sisters think...well now that I'm not working, I should be the one to take care of him! He also fell and broke his hip. Not long after, his cancer got worse, he fell again, and now he can't walk at all, and I have to do everything for him..and it's killing me.
I too feel so overwhelmed and depressed sometimes, I can hardly make it through. He's on hospice, so I get a 5 day respite every 90 days!! whoopee!
It takes me 3 days to re-adjust and get my stress and pain level down to a sort of normal - I've gained weight, none of my clothes fit anymore. Shower and hair washed...think I'm going on my 4th day! ugh! He was on hospice before, but was taken off, because Medicare only pays for so long. He's on it again, and definately deteriorating...so sad to see. So many mixed feelings. I always think...well, it can't last forever. Guess that's my only hope...and then that will come with the grief of his death! Can't win, right!!?? :)