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Well ladies and gents. She did it. Just got off the phone with crimes against seniors.
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No unfortunatly my husband changed after we got married and was not a ggod person and his mother was a witch-she never wanted him to get married-he was to take care of her and she tried to break us up-he never stood up to her and once when he had a chance of a job far from where we lived he told her she would go with us before he discussed it with me-I discouraged him taking the job for that reason alone-that is why I want to meet a nice man so much now-so I can have some happiness in my life.
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Austin: I pray you were able to marry into a wonderful family like I did 28 years ago. It was so hard for me for so many years. Cause see, they are the huggiest people you will ever meet. My mother/ father in law are amazing. My sister in laws are my sisters. There was no hugs and I love yous growing up. For too long when we had get togethers I would make myself absent because all of that was too uncomfortable for me. Not anymore. I'm the first to run to them for a hug. The whole situation with my mother is unknown to them. My mother in law hugs me and tells me I miss you every time I see her. I've made the mistake of retreating from them these last 2 years when I should have been racing towards them. But all of the shame and embarrassment took over. So I hope you are racing towards the people who love you.
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a mothers infulence can stay with some for their lifetime-my sister and I finally talked about our childhood-I am 7 yrs. older than her and we both learned a lot from talking about-it was a relief to know I was not just a bad kid as my mother stated and that she was the problem-it was a weight lifted off of me and cmagan has helped me a lot with his opions and insight on the dysfunctional thread-I now can detach from her and she does not have the power to hurt me anymore-I am taking that power away from her for good.
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As of yesterday the smoking issue has been handled. Cigarettes are out of her room in my possession. In front of her health care nurse I gathered up the cigs and ashtray and informed her you will no longer smoke in there. Pointed out the burn holes in her gowns and the sheets on the bed. While doing this I snapped pictures of everything. Ashes on the floor by the bed, burn marks on our wood floors, ashes in her sink and all around the garbage can where she misses the trach can. So no more smokingnthru the night while we sleep. I am a school bus driver for jcps county schools. My alarm goes off at 3:45 a.m. So that means no more cigs after 8 p.m. I am so grateful that you wonderful people have taken time out of your own lives to listen to me and set me on the right path. Today after I drop my daughter at work I'm visiting my siblings graves. How sad they could not find the strength to set their own path away from her influence. I really can feel pity for them but in my life I could never like them. In life they were horrible dangerous women. Maybe one day I'll even shed a tear, but I've never been able to do that.
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Like so many of us here, your issue has struck at my heart. I just had a brainstorm. Call the fire dept. for help because you are terrified about the safety of your family due to her determined use of oxygen and her smoking. It is a real and valid concern.They will come and perform a safety check at your request. You are obviously a cautious family just from the mention of a gun safe. ( I live in rural GA and they are usually in most of the homes here.) Please get yourself help. I am so happy to sense a more hopeful tone to your answers. Your mother will not be happy no matter where she lives. Professional caregivers will be able to tolerate her cruel behavior with more detachment. You are in my prayers and hang in there. We are all pulling for you! Rebecca
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Too Funny, Lisa. Thanks for sharing. Hahahahaha...breath...hahahahaha.
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Hahahahahahaha...breath...hahahahaha. Woke to a very loud request this morning. WHERES THAT @&@&?!$&@ ELECTRIC BILL???? happy to report the check has been wrote, the check has been cashed and put into the bank. Yes mother, this is OUR HOME. So pogo.com has their player back and qvc is going to make money today.
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I think I would wait for the social worker to come out before I went any farther-if she indeed is comming out soon-another 24 hrs to think this throught but you know she has to leave-keep us posted and it is good you are being firm that she must leave.
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Lisa: I'm so glad you are feeling empowered. It's life changing isn't it, like regaining your sight. Another miracle in the lives of those who suffer. Do whatever you feel is best. Whatever comes, you will handle it well and you have many who have personal experience with your mom to back you up.

I loved Jeanne's comment about the show, "As the World Turns Around Mother." Yes, it's coming to a new theater, but it won't be in your living room. That venue has closed and is returning to it's prior life, the home of a loving family. YEAH!!!!!

God Bless you. I'm so happy for you. Cattails.
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The thought of boredom thrills me!!!! And I'm of the same mind. Bring em on!!!!! Still feeling strong and empowered!!!!!!!!
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omg, Elisa, I'm not so sure about CAS, but I do know one thing. You'd better start thinking of a new hobby, because once this soap opera leaves your house you are going to be so bored you won't know what to do with yourself! :-D

I'm not sure I understand the logic of you calling Crimes Against Seniors. Preemptive strike? If your mother calls they'll investigate and find no basis for the charge. If you call ... they aren't just going to take your word for it, are they? But you heard the nurse's reasonig and I didn't, so if it makes sense to you to call, I like cattail's suggestion of getting the nurse involved.

Presumably soon the social worker will come and you will all be that much closer to ending this season's episodes of As the World Turns Around Mother. I have no doubt she'll continuing producing the show from where ever she moves, but you won't be quite such a captive audience.

Don't you dare give her the upper hand on anything!
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The are just suggestions : Go to your doctor, explain the abusive behavior, and point out how it is impacting your health as well as the health of your family. Ask him/her for help. Also, you could call an ambulance because you are a concerned daughter and your mother is coughing despite oxygen. Be sure to explain her misuse of medication. Let the case manager at the hospital know that you cannot provide your mother with the care she needs. You and your family have done your best. No one will blame you for this. By the way, many nursing homes do not provide cable or internet services. :) Also, your kids do not need to see the drug abuse your mother displays. You need to tell everyone involved about that.
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Lisa: I don't really know how to advise you. I know the visiting nurse has the best of intentions. She sure understands your mom and is looking out for you. If you make the call, you will probably be putting the ball in the hands of the Crimes Against Senior folks and they may feel obligated to make a home visit. It's kind of one of those "in for a penny, in for a pound" things. So you need to be prepared to be in for a pound.

I guess this is what I would do. Give the visiting nurse a call and ask her if you can refer the CAS people to her for background and as a reference for you and your husband. If she has no problem with being involved, then fine. Go ahead and call the CAS, explain the problem and ask them if they would like to come out and meet you mom. Explain you are doing this because you want to avoid any potential misunderstandings.

Having said this, it's up to you really. Somehow, I don't think your mom will call them, but who knows. I don't think you have anything to lose by calling CAS, it's just a case of how much energy you want to put out.

On the other hand, it does make sense that since you are truly taking steps to get your mom out of the house, she may very well claim abuse to anyone she comes in contact with, so maybe it is wise to just take this step now and get it behind you.

Maybe Jeanniegibbs and others can give you their thoughts too. I'll keep my eye out for their posts as well. Hugs Cattails.
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Ok, so moms visiting nurse has come. She'll be releasing her next week. This is from her last hospital visit and rehab. She draws blood every week. So she knows the situation. Been here many times before. Mom told her she's being abused. She asked her how. She told her that's not abuse. Then she mentioned the cable and Internet. Told mom Lisa is not obligated to provide you with those luxeries. But if you are feeling abused call them while I'm sitting here. I got her the phone number. The woman wouldn't call. The information from social worker came. She threw it across the table. So the visiting nurse has the social worker coming from her healthcare company. Pronto. She asked mom if she took extra Meds today. It is very obvious she has. She told her she will be back in hospital soon because she's wheezing and hacking from the smoking. Then she will not be coming back here, that it's obvious she won't be allowed. When she left she motioned me outside. She told me to call crimes against seniors myself. Don't you dare give her the upper hand on anything. Please give me any thoughts on making the call myself????
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Your mother smoking in home full of compressed 02, is endangering you and your family. Also, the fact that she is an addict is even more dangerous.
I know this is very difficult, but you can have her legally evicted. Call adult services to help you find her a facilty to live in. She is abusing you and yours.
I went through a similar situation with my sister-in-law, who at the time was living with her dad. She, too, continued to smoke ( he is on 02 ), abuse prescription drugs and was the most toxic person I have ever met. We had to have her evicted and then eventually have a restraining/no contact order. It is sad when families have to go through this, but it had to be done.
Keep your chin up and enlist the help of the adult/ social services.
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Elisa I am so glad you got help-there is nothing I could add Ladee is a very wise women I have known her on AC for a long time and she has been through so much herself and in spite of it all she comes through for all of us. You are making the right steps-I know what it is to do all you can and still be beat down-good for you for your courage and your sisuation is not rare there are so many elders we are involved with that are mean and selfish and only think of themselves been there. Keep us posted because others can learn from your experiences.
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Lilygirl, the pills have always been locked in the gun safe downstairs. That's why she has never found them in my room. I bought her a week long medicine holder. Each Saturday morning I fill her prescribed pain Meds and her Xanax. When she chooses to abuse them she went without till they were refilled on Saturday morning.
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So far all the advice/comments on THIS thread are sound and good. I commend you ladies for your wisdom and compassion.
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Next time she does the hospital thing, if it comes before having her placed, just tell them that you can no longer take care of her. They can't force you to take her back and the social worker you have contacted will help with placement. You and your husband are very competent. All you needed was a little direction and I'm glad this site gave it to you. No going back. Freedom and love is ahead of you. Cattails.
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Jeanne is the best! Sounds like you are making great progress. One of the suggestions I've read regarding medication is to buy a small safe for the meds & keep it locked. I also recommend getting the book "The 36 Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace. It's a book for those with Alzheimer's/dementia & their caregivers. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
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I am well aware of your situation. I know for a fact that your heart is as big as the world. You were the only one that would take g-ma in. I also with your advice did walk away from the family due to how she is. I am here for you now. Just remember I'll help you with finding resources since your not that comp smart lol. Besides you infact know you r a great person. U wont have to deal with her to much longer. Love ya aunt Lisa
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Hmmmm, the hospital. She makes a point to go in every 90 days. She smokes till her lungs get weak. They keep her for 5 or 6 days then send her to a nursing rehab for 20 days. That's where her insurance supplement kicks in. Every time she is admitted to the hops. Her insurance company pays directly to her 875.00. She's been running this scam for years. Then each time of course that gave her a chance to build up the left over pain Meds. One of the worse argument we ever had was my destroying the 96 pills I had extra when she was released from rehab. And ladies my mothers cousin (who refused to let her live with her) called here tonite with the crimes against seniors number she was asked to find. So before the cable and inernet tonite this was already in the works. I'm not worried. Cause you see, my aunt Rae and nieces and nephews are behind me. How ironic she's calling the very people I have sent to her door to help her.
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Just one more thought. If your mom has a medical episode and feels she needs to go to emergency, do all you can to leave her there and have her evaluated. The social worker can visit her in the hospital to go over her options. Do not let yourself be manipulated. She's going to be thinking of ways to regain the upper hand. Stay strong.
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Elisa1961, Of course you are going to be accused of abuse -- by your mother. What else is new? I can't imagine that anyone else would take it seriously, though. You are scarely required to provide her cable and internet service. You are not required to provide her room and board, remember?

Since you are on your way to removing her from the house, maybe it would save wear and tear on your nerves to just live with things as they are for a while. But disconnecting those services might encourage her to take seriously your resolve to evict her. If it makes her look at her options with the social worker, that would be a good result.

On the other hand, this might result in her saying, Oh, all right. I think it is very abusive and mean of you to expect your own mother to pay to stay in this house, if that's the way you're going to be, I'll pay the @#!* electric bill." Then you will need to accept the money gracefully AND NOT CHANGE YOUR STANCE about her living here. Hook up the services for the remaining time she is will you (and that she pays) but don't let her think that everything is swell.

Good luck!
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I'm laughing at your husband's decision to disconnect the television and internet. God love that man. It's also funny that this would be construed as abuse. An inconvenience, yes, but that's what happens when you don't pay your electric bill.

You know sometimes people on this site get great information, but never act on it. My hat is off to you both. You are a lovely family who has just truly realized that you are in control, not your mom.

Another good thing is that your grown children see that no one is obligated to be the victim of abuse. It's always good to be reminded of that. Your lunch and zoo trip sound like a celebration of life. There's more good life ahead of you.

Keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Wow! You and your husband know how to catch the ball and run with it ! Good for you two. It's your house. It is generous of you to let her remain under your roof until she is carted out. There are crazy, troubled people in the world. Sometimes we are related to them, but we are not like them. You are blessed and victorious to be who you are, dear Elisa. You honor yourself by the compassionate treatment of this sad soul. Revel in your power and freedom; all the best to you and your family. Peace.
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Uh oh. Maybe my husband is feeling a little bit too empowered. The only thing mom is asked to pay is the electric bill. Of course she's refused to do that. So what is he doing? Unhooking the cable and Internet to her room. Thoughts on this please???? I don't ever want to be accused of abuse.....
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So with a feeling of dread I went into moms room and told her information was being mailed for available places for her to live and then a social worker will come to go over her options. I wanted the drama over before the family gets home. No drama. She just laughed at me. I asked for the bottle of pain pills and she said good luck finding them. But that's ok. I will stay strong. Lunch was great! He's just the greatest. And Jeanne, I'm so glad I found this forum too. Your words empowered me. I know she's in there stewing. And I know she will probably come banging on my bedroom door again late tonight wanting to get an argument going. And that's ok too. I've found help. I'll just keep telling myself it'll be over soon. Then I'm going to work on me. Right now I feel broken, but I will heal and I will feel good about myself again.
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Oh, that is an excellent idea -- both the lunch and the zoo!

I am sooooo glad you found this forum if that is what it took to help you feel empowered.
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