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My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.


It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.


Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.


Have a blessed day

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I have no information on how to get her out of your home, others will I am sure. But first let me say that you are one outstanding woman..... knowing what you knew and tried to help her anyway.....I just can't praise you enough... and yes, it's time for her to get out... how does she feel about going to a NH? Do you have POA nad MPOA? I know these things will help you to place her.... I am sorry I don't have more info, but I do have a ton of respect for you.... hugs.
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LADEE, I WOULDNT DARE HAVE POA. SHE OWES SO MANY PEOPLE MONEY AND SHE HASNT FILED TAXES IN YEARS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE KIND WORDS. IVE FELT SO ALONE AND FEEL SUCH GUILT FOR WHAT THIS HAS PUT MY FAMILY THRU. MY HUSBAND IS AMAZING. I SHIELDED MY CHILDREN FROM MY MOM AND SISTERS THEIR WHOLE LIFE AND I FEEL LIKE IVE LET THEM DOWN.
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Let me tell you how I see it. Two years ago when you discovered that your mom was $2000 overdrawn on her account you decided "MY ONLY OPTION WAS TO MOVE HER IN." That was not your only option then. I am sorry that you did not do the research to discover other options, because you are not responsible for your mother's financial well-being or her happiness. You hoped that the outcome would be friendship. I am very sorry but not surprised that it didn't work out that way.

I will give you a lot of credit for trying very hard to not enable your mother's pain pill addiction. But then this woman you are trying to help and from whom you want acceptance and love blackmailed you and you gave her pain pills.

I give you gold stars for good intentions, and for effort. You are remarkable.

But in spite of your very real sacrifices this is not working out. It is time now to explore those other options and to make a drastic change. Your birth mother (she doesn't sound much like a Mom) needs to move out. It is your house. You make the rules about who lives there and who doesn't. Good bye, mother.

Call Social Services in your county. Explain that your indigent mother has been living with you, that it is not working out, and you need her to move out. Ask for their help in explaining to your mother what else is available to her. After a social worker has explained options to your mother, give her a certain limited time to make arrangements and move out.

She informed you that you "WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A JUDGE REMOVE HER FROM MY HOME" Well, if that's what she wants, that can be arranged, If necessary police can forcibly remove her from the house when you evict her. Let us hope it doesn't come to that, but make sure she knows that you know it is your house and that she has no right to stay there if you do not permit it.

This all may sound harsh. You are facing a harsh reality. I don't think you are going to solve it by asking "Please, mother, I think you'd better move out."

You tried to do the right thing for your mother. Gold stars to you. Now do the right thing for yourself, your husband, and your children.

Best wishes to you. Please let us know what you try and how things are working out.
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No Elisa, you have not let them down, but you have given them an oppurtunity to see how not to be in this world.... and you have shown them that you tried, that you made a choice to help, and you have shown them sometimes people refuse to be helped...there are wonderful long lasting lessons in this for your kids.... and it seems you are full of love and compassion, and that is what they will see and learn from.... and that there are truly ugly people in the world..... but you still give them a chance, until it causes more harm than good.... You are an awesome MOM... and never short change yourself for trying to do the right things for the right reasons..... But put her in a NH if at all possible... you do not have to subject yourself or your family to any more of this... You tried, that's all you can do.... Just try to use it as a teaching tool and no need to feel guilt, you are an awesome teacher for your children... God bless and I pray you find a solution quickly..... hugs to you...
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What I meant by 'how not to be in this world', I was refering to your mom.... they will learn that who and what she is in no way to be in the world...
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Dear jeannegibbs, wow! Thanks so much for the wake up call. You are so right. This is my home. I let my husband read your reply. He just started laughing and asked if I was feeling as empowered as he was. So here I sit waiting for the phone call to be told exactly where to go. Over the years I've called crimes against seniors to get my sister removed from my moms home. She violated her parole and I actually found her for the u.s marshals and she went back to prison. My husband and I have been labeled the clean up crew. The same woman who helped me is now looking for the best agency for me to go to quickly resolve this. She told me she wasn't surprised. How could I have thought this could possibly work? So as soon as I get the phone call I'm dressed and ready to walk out the door.
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Elisa, I think when someone tries to help a family member or friend who is self-destructive, drug addicted, mean, hateful AND doesn't want help, that person is going to lose the battle. You may as well be banging your head against the wall for all the good it's going to do. Your heart was in the right place for sure, but there's no shame in waving the white flag and getting the heck out of this situation. You and your family are going to get flushed down the toilet if you don't, so I agree with Jeanne when it comes to getting her out of your house, do whatever you have to do. Good luck, and when the dust finally settles, take a vacation with your wonderful husband will ya? He deserves it.
(33)
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well, I've got my phone call. And guess what? It seems my situation is not so rare. The information I need is being mailed out today. Then after looking over her options the social worker will come to my home and go over her options with her. He told me to take back the pain pills and dispense them to her as prescribed like I have done for the past two years. Then if she threatens to stop taking her medications again go straight to the court house and file a mental inquest warrant and have her hospitalized. And Nancy I will. I just called him and told him I put make up on today and he needs to take me to lunch. I have a 31 year old daughter who is visually and hearing impaired. She's off work tomorrow and she loves the zoo. So I'm taking her tomorrow and we' make a day of it. It's a start, right?
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Oh, that is an excellent idea -- both the lunch and the zoo!

I am sooooo glad you found this forum if that is what it took to help you feel empowered.
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So with a feeling of dread I went into moms room and told her information was being mailed for available places for her to live and then a social worker will come to go over her options. I wanted the drama over before the family gets home. No drama. She just laughed at me. I asked for the bottle of pain pills and she said good luck finding them. But that's ok. I will stay strong. Lunch was great! He's just the greatest. And Jeanne, I'm so glad I found this forum too. Your words empowered me. I know she's in there stewing. And I know she will probably come banging on my bedroom door again late tonight wanting to get an argument going. And that's ok too. I've found help. I'll just keep telling myself it'll be over soon. Then I'm going to work on me. Right now I feel broken, but I will heal and I will feel good about myself again.
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Uh oh. Maybe my husband is feeling a little bit too empowered. The only thing mom is asked to pay is the electric bill. Of course she's refused to do that. So what is he doing? Unhooking the cable and Internet to her room. Thoughts on this please???? I don't ever want to be accused of abuse.....
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Wow! You and your husband know how to catch the ball and run with it ! Good for you two. It's your house. It is generous of you to let her remain under your roof until she is carted out. There are crazy, troubled people in the world. Sometimes we are related to them, but we are not like them. You are blessed and victorious to be who you are, dear Elisa. You honor yourself by the compassionate treatment of this sad soul. Revel in your power and freedom; all the best to you and your family. Peace.
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I'm laughing at your husband's decision to disconnect the television and internet. God love that man. It's also funny that this would be construed as abuse. An inconvenience, yes, but that's what happens when you don't pay your electric bill.

You know sometimes people on this site get great information, but never act on it. My hat is off to you both. You are a lovely family who has just truly realized that you are in control, not your mom.

Another good thing is that your grown children see that no one is obligated to be the victim of abuse. It's always good to be reminded of that. Your lunch and zoo trip sound like a celebration of life. There's more good life ahead of you.

Keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Elisa1961, Of course you are going to be accused of abuse -- by your mother. What else is new? I can't imagine that anyone else would take it seriously, though. You are scarely required to provide her cable and internet service. You are not required to provide her room and board, remember?

Since you are on your way to removing her from the house, maybe it would save wear and tear on your nerves to just live with things as they are for a while. But disconnecting those services might encourage her to take seriously your resolve to evict her. If it makes her look at her options with the social worker, that would be a good result.

On the other hand, this might result in her saying, Oh, all right. I think it is very abusive and mean of you to expect your own mother to pay to stay in this house, if that's the way you're going to be, I'll pay the @#!* electric bill." Then you will need to accept the money gracefully AND NOT CHANGE YOUR STANCE about her living here. Hook up the services for the remaining time she is will you (and that she pays) but don't let her think that everything is swell.

Good luck!
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Just one more thought. If your mom has a medical episode and feels she needs to go to emergency, do all you can to leave her there and have her evaluated. The social worker can visit her in the hospital to go over her options. Do not let yourself be manipulated. She's going to be thinking of ways to regain the upper hand. Stay strong.
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Hmmmm, the hospital. She makes a point to go in every 90 days. She smokes till her lungs get weak. They keep her for 5 or 6 days then send her to a nursing rehab for 20 days. That's where her insurance supplement kicks in. Every time she is admitted to the hops. Her insurance company pays directly to her 875.00. She's been running this scam for years. Then each time of course that gave her a chance to build up the left over pain Meds. One of the worse argument we ever had was my destroying the 96 pills I had extra when she was released from rehab. And ladies my mothers cousin (who refused to let her live with her) called here tonite with the crimes against seniors number she was asked to find. So before the cable and inernet tonite this was already in the works. I'm not worried. Cause you see, my aunt Rae and nieces and nephews are behind me. How ironic she's calling the very people I have sent to her door to help her.
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I am well aware of your situation. I know for a fact that your heart is as big as the world. You were the only one that would take g-ma in. I also with your advice did walk away from the family due to how she is. I am here for you now. Just remember I'll help you with finding resources since your not that comp smart lol. Besides you infact know you r a great person. U wont have to deal with her to much longer. Love ya aunt Lisa
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Jeanne is the best! Sounds like you are making great progress. One of the suggestions I've read regarding medication is to buy a small safe for the meds & keep it locked. I also recommend getting the book "The 36 Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace. It's a book for those with Alzheimer's/dementia & their caregivers. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
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Next time she does the hospital thing, if it comes before having her placed, just tell them that you can no longer take care of her. They can't force you to take her back and the social worker you have contacted will help with placement. You and your husband are very competent. All you needed was a little direction and I'm glad this site gave it to you. No going back. Freedom and love is ahead of you. Cattails.
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So far all the advice/comments on THIS thread are sound and good. I commend you ladies for your wisdom and compassion.
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Lilygirl, the pills have always been locked in the gun safe downstairs. That's why she has never found them in my room. I bought her a week long medicine holder. Each Saturday morning I fill her prescribed pain Meds and her Xanax. When she chooses to abuse them she went without till they were refilled on Saturday morning.
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Elisa I am so glad you got help-there is nothing I could add Ladee is a very wise women I have known her on AC for a long time and she has been through so much herself and in spite of it all she comes through for all of us. You are making the right steps-I know what it is to do all you can and still be beat down-good for you for your courage and your sisuation is not rare there are so many elders we are involved with that are mean and selfish and only think of themselves been there. Keep us posted because others can learn from your experiences.
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Your mother smoking in home full of compressed 02, is endangering you and your family. Also, the fact that she is an addict is even more dangerous.
I know this is very difficult, but you can have her legally evicted. Call adult services to help you find her a facilty to live in. She is abusing you and yours.
I went through a similar situation with my sister-in-law, who at the time was living with her dad. She, too, continued to smoke ( he is on 02 ), abuse prescription drugs and was the most toxic person I have ever met. We had to have her evicted and then eventually have a restraining/no contact order. It is sad when families have to go through this, but it had to be done.
Keep your chin up and enlist the help of the adult/ social services.
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Ok, so moms visiting nurse has come. She'll be releasing her next week. This is from her last hospital visit and rehab. She draws blood every week. So she knows the situation. Been here many times before. Mom told her she's being abused. She asked her how. She told her that's not abuse. Then she mentioned the cable and Internet. Told mom Lisa is not obligated to provide you with those luxeries. But if you are feeling abused call them while I'm sitting here. I got her the phone number. The woman wouldn't call. The information from social worker came. She threw it across the table. So the visiting nurse has the social worker coming from her healthcare company. Pronto. She asked mom if she took extra Meds today. It is very obvious she has. She told her she will be back in hospital soon because she's wheezing and hacking from the smoking. Then she will not be coming back here, that it's obvious she won't be allowed. When she left she motioned me outside. She told me to call crimes against seniors myself. Don't you dare give her the upper hand on anything. Please give me any thoughts on making the call myself????
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Lisa: I don't really know how to advise you. I know the visiting nurse has the best of intentions. She sure understands your mom and is looking out for you. If you make the call, you will probably be putting the ball in the hands of the Crimes Against Senior folks and they may feel obligated to make a home visit. It's kind of one of those "in for a penny, in for a pound" things. So you need to be prepared to be in for a pound.

I guess this is what I would do. Give the visiting nurse a call and ask her if you can refer the CAS people to her for background and as a reference for you and your husband. If she has no problem with being involved, then fine. Go ahead and call the CAS, explain the problem and ask them if they would like to come out and meet you mom. Explain you are doing this because you want to avoid any potential misunderstandings.

Having said this, it's up to you really. Somehow, I don't think your mom will call them, but who knows. I don't think you have anything to lose by calling CAS, it's just a case of how much energy you want to put out.

On the other hand, it does make sense that since you are truly taking steps to get your mom out of the house, she may very well claim abuse to anyone she comes in contact with, so maybe it is wise to just take this step now and get it behind you.

Maybe Jeanniegibbs and others can give you their thoughts too. I'll keep my eye out for their posts as well. Hugs Cattails.
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The are just suggestions : Go to your doctor, explain the abusive behavior, and point out how it is impacting your health as well as the health of your family. Ask him/her for help. Also, you could call an ambulance because you are a concerned daughter and your mother is coughing despite oxygen. Be sure to explain her misuse of medication. Let the case manager at the hospital know that you cannot provide your mother with the care she needs. You and your family have done your best. No one will blame you for this. By the way, many nursing homes do not provide cable or internet services. :) Also, your kids do not need to see the drug abuse your mother displays. You need to tell everyone involved about that.
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omg, Elisa, I'm not so sure about CAS, but I do know one thing. You'd better start thinking of a new hobby, because once this soap opera leaves your house you are going to be so bored you won't know what to do with yourself! :-D

I'm not sure I understand the logic of you calling Crimes Against Seniors. Preemptive strike? If your mother calls they'll investigate and find no basis for the charge. If you call ... they aren't just going to take your word for it, are they? But you heard the nurse's reasonig and I didn't, so if it makes sense to you to call, I like cattail's suggestion of getting the nurse involved.

Presumably soon the social worker will come and you will all be that much closer to ending this season's episodes of As the World Turns Around Mother. I have no doubt she'll continuing producing the show from where ever she moves, but you won't be quite such a captive audience.

Don't you dare give her the upper hand on anything!
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The thought of boredom thrills me!!!! And I'm of the same mind. Bring em on!!!!! Still feeling strong and empowered!!!!!!!!
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Lisa: I'm so glad you are feeling empowered. It's life changing isn't it, like regaining your sight. Another miracle in the lives of those who suffer. Do whatever you feel is best. Whatever comes, you will handle it well and you have many who have personal experience with your mom to back you up.

I loved Jeanne's comment about the show, "As the World Turns Around Mother." Yes, it's coming to a new theater, but it won't be in your living room. That venue has closed and is returning to it's prior life, the home of a loving family. YEAH!!!!!

God Bless you. I'm so happy for you. Cattails.
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I think I would wait for the social worker to come out before I went any farther-if she indeed is comming out soon-another 24 hrs to think this throught but you know she has to leave-keep us posted and it is good you are being firm that she must leave.
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