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Jeanne, about 20 yrs ago my uncle passed, he was my most favorite and I was his caregiver for years. I was his brother's only girl and the baby. When my own dad died he stepped up to the plate so to speak and made sure I had everything I needed as we all know those High School years can put a drain on anyones wallet but he never complained and I loved him for it. I loved my dad as a child loves their parent but Wes was different I loved him as an adult. Anyway after he passed I was having a hard time as he was the last of my dad's family. I started cooking actually baking . My husband and children loved it but I didn't eat it. When it came out of the oven I went for a walk. I lost 30 pounds that winter. I got healthier and my family put on a few pounds but they were all active so it didn't hurt them. Isn't is amazing how cooking is comfort.
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Everyone who goes on these adventures, are simply awesomely strong people.
It takes such strength and perseverence.
Caregivers, no matter how it appears--we are the ones who stepped into the breach. That takes remarkable courage.
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Survived2, you ROCK ON! Would have loved to see the face of the person you refused POA to. Priceless! No Guilt!

Curiosity: wondering how she lasted til now, still holding onto an active debit card...
gotta be kinda like my drunk uncle...we even called the PD to get them to catch him driving, yet, they refused to stop him! We even scrambled all his keys, to make it so he couldn't find the right one to drive with...still failed to stop him.
Yet, he had a great trick to take Gma's license from her earlier in her Alzheimers: he arranged with the DOL to help her fail the drivers test they cooked up for her...that way, the DOL was the "bad guy", not Uncle.

SO glad you are taking care of you, setting limits on her use of you!
It's really hard to do that, but once the process is practiced, it gets easier.
If you have kids, you are also role-modeling for them.
Priceless!

I still have too many moments of profound grief over loss of family relations I never really had. I simply cannot get sucked back into their behaviors anymore, no matter how much I love them--it's such a trap..
Dysfunctional families are messy business.
But I think, maybe, those of us who stop buying into it, and change completely, that maybe, next generations can learn better, do better.
Hopefully to stop repeatinng dysfunctional history.
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Oh my, Lisa, sorry about the DQ drama, but you sound much better equipped to handle it this time. Were you able to keep a straight face and be polite when you said "no" to being medical POA?

And whatever you decide to do, don't you dare feel guilty! (My stepdaughter told me that if I ever started feeling guilty after her dad died I should let her know and she'd come whop me long side the head. I'd make the same promise to you if it weren't so dang far to come to do it.)

A sudden urge to work in the kitchen has overcome me. I'm trying new recipes and cooking real food. I take that as a good sign I'm on the mend. I gave my son Pat (who lives with me) three cook books and asked him to pick out something that sounded good. He took them into his room. I figured he might open a book at random, wait a half an hour, and tell me that was what he wanted. But half an hour later he emerged with a list of 4 to 7 recipes from each book. I take that as a sign that he is on the mend, too. Coy's death was really very hard on him, too.

Last week's new recipes were for cholent and a fancy mac and cheese. Superb! I also tried a mushroom soup recipe that wasn't a keeper. Two out of three isn't bad. Tomorrow I'm trying a crockpot recipe for Thai chicken with peanut sauce.

My mother, 92 with dementia, is going to spend one weekend a month with me, to give my sister some respite. I'm a little nervous. I wasn't able to help my sisters much with her while I was taking care of Coy. She moved in with my sister Pat (yes, my son was named for her) five weeks ago and dear Pat is already going nuts but doing a great job. We all know what that is like, don't we?

Can't wait to hear about your new hat, Lisa.
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Hello everyone! We all seem to be slowing down here , myself included. And I hate that. Anymore it seems I don't know whether to scratch my head or brush my butt! So much happening. DQ drama again. The nephew went to visit her and traded his debit card for hers. Looks the same so she didn't realize it till she tried to use it for pizza. She went down to sw office and asked her to help her call the bank to sort it out. Wasn't wearing her glasses so when sw gave them the card # they informed her it was his card. He had it a week. 1400.00. She's in nursing home rehab now, but before they released her from hops someone from the prosecutors office came to see her and had her sign the papers. They are goingbafter him, but hey, u can't get blood outta a turnip. The nursing home has agreed to help her fill out the papers to get medicade started. Don't think she' ll be leaving there. There is a space open for her in the nursing home there. They will do the paperwork with her. They have asked me to take medical poa. I declined. Of coursebher checks will go straight to the nursing home and she will be given 40.00 a month. I have so much running thru my mind. Will I visit her? I honestly don't know. Will I buy her the things she needs? Can I get past knowing if I was sitting at a curb homeless she would walk around me and leave me there? So many will i's. I'm certain she will not make this move a success. Her presence at chapel house has been a disaster. I went to her apartment today with Doug and cleaned the filth. It made me angry because she is capable of doing what we did. But a lifelong habit of living filthy prevailed. Gonna hit the sack early tonite. I'll be back tomorrow to tell everyone about my new hat and what happened in the elevator today at chapel house. And no not that ladies. Get your minds out of the gutter. Hahahaha. Love you all dearly! Lisa
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Dear Lisa, Jeanne, Cat, Kimbee, Emjo, Austin, and all of you lovely people in this discussion group - I've been absent a while, probably mostly due to an absence of insomnia, due to various factors, but insomnia is back and offers this opportunity to catch up a bit. The first thing is: Happy New Year. This group of awesome women made such a difference for me last year in starting to deal with Mom's increasingly serious aging issues. Those are still around. but more importantly, so are you. Thank you for your time and energy and caring.
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Joan, welcome back from the depths. Sorry you ended up there. I've been offline for two days because someone dug a hole right over a major fiber-optics line that our DSL and telephone is connected too. I'm so that to have set up my phone to forward calls to my cell phone.
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Hi all - emerging from the depths. Sorry to hear that Ray is not doing so well, Lisa. I didn't see the nephew listening to the singing valentine card -can you post it to my wall? Glad you can enjoy your coffee without insults.

Kimbee - glad you dropped by, but sorry your mum is not doing so well.Look after you (((((((hugs))))

Jeanne - hope you are getting some good ideas about sleep, Insomnia is the pits. I am with everyone on the posts - yours are fine. Maybe a few people are suffering from the winter blahs. Hope you are feeling better.((((((((((hugs)))))))))

cat - you seem to be hanging on there...good!

austn - good to see you emerging from the blues

cmag -hi -always nice to see you posting here

marcia - can you get some help from social services, or the local Agency on Aging. Could your doctor help as he/ she will recognize that caring for your husband is too much for you/ Lisa (survivor2) called in social services and told her story.

vstefans - good advice, as always.

hi beanie - hope you enjoyed the Teepa Snow session

My friend had her surgery yesterday and they took two lymph nodes, both of which were clear, so it looks like the cancer has not metastasized. She was resting and comfortable last night. I am relieved. Thanks to anyone who prayed. I am finally shaking the flu, or whatever I got around Christmas. They often seem to hang on for me. Then I got an allergy "hit" this morning - aaaargh!!! Hard to tell what is a cold, or the flu, or allergy sometimes, but this morning was allergies.

Part of what sent me into the pit was reading a quote from Aubrey De Grey - "the first human who will live up to 1,000 years is probably already alive now"
my first reaction was "Oh my Lord, that would be mother!" It is enough to send anyone into a downward spiral!!! LOL Then I started to think that I would just have to be the second person to live that long, though I am not sure I would want to. What a thought!!! They better find a cure for wrinkles and sags if people are going to live that long. Not bad now, but after 700 yrs I may trip over something. ;)

Tonight we are going to my son and dil's to watch the PBS version of Les Mis. I gave them the DVD. Should be a nice evening.

♥, hugs and prayers, and a few laughs :-D if you can find them. Joan
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Jeanne I am with the other you are not the problem here -you are one of the KAW.
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I'm with cat Jeanne. I've never read one question you've asked anyone that that didn't make sense in order for you and others to be better able to help. How can anyone offer help and thoughts without knowing the whole situation. Lord knows I answered every question here and LOOK WHERE I AM TODAY!!! Sitting here in MY living room drinking a cup of coffee. Hmmm. Nope! Nobody yelling at me. Nobody insulting me. So please ladies. When any of you start doubting yourselves ever again. Say these names out loud! DOUG LISA BETH JENNIFER. KAW RULE!!!!!
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Hey Lisa (and anybody else in the Louisville Ky area: Teepa Snow is going to have a presentation on 1-23 from 5-8 p.m. at the Olmstead (on the Masonic Home campus on Frankfort Ave. http://bit.ly/XwwX2P
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Jeanne, I checked out your comments. You did fine. I had the same questions you did. Sometimes you have to ask questions, as you do, to get people to explain more of what the heck is going on. You put a lot of effort into your questions and into your responses. Don't doubt yourself.
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Marcia, is there a chance you could get both him and you to a geriatric assessment, with a geriatrician, psychologist and/or social worker? Maybe more low vision rehab (like Lion's World) and technology would make a positive difference, or there might be some service that you didn't know of...or at least a third party could help present each person's point of view in a way that would more likely be heard and understood...bless you, it sure sounds hard on both of you right now!!
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My husband has many medical including blindness.
I was forced to put him into an assisted living facility, but he got so depressed that he had to be hospitalized.
He was treated and sent to physical rehab for 5 weeks...now he is home...he would not go back to assisted living; though it was a very nice place.
I have medical issues of my own and cannot care for his many needs.
How do I have him removed from the home if it is affecting my health?
He is of sound mind, but does not want to hear any of my problems in caring
for him.
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Sorry to hear that your sleep therapy isn't going well and hope a little different approach will help.

I've always enjoyed reading your advice and think your communication skills are fine. Take care.
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Thanks for the hugs!

My sleep therapy isn't going so well, but we have a little different approach to try.

In the past few days on this forum I've been called "immature," "hostile," "critical," and "condescending." Sigh. It leads me to wonder if my communication skills are slipping or I'm getting careless repeating the same messages over and over or I just coincidentally encountered several people in a bad mood. I'm going to cut back on my participation here, but I'll continue to follow this thread.

Lisa dear, hang in there! Worry and sadness seem appropriate under the circumstances, but I wish you weren't in these circumstances. Jeanne
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Lisa I also was wondering how you were-I think everyone is pooped out-I know bad word to use here-from the holidays-I was in the black hole and did not want to do anything but got my rear in gear and started cleaning and already feel better-I am so enjoying facebook if any of you want to be friends go to my wall and will tell you how I am listed on FB my new niece in law is a photografer and puts lots of pics on.
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Hi my friends. Sorry I haven't been around. Jeanne: a million hugs to you. You have done so much for me it just dosen't seem like enough. Kimbee: so sorry your mom is declining. I sure understand the emotional drain. I can't seem to get my thoughts together. My best friends father passed away two weeks ago from cancer. He was doing so well with his treatments he was convinced he was misdiagnosed. Then a week before Xmas he started declining rapidly and passed on Jan 9. Ray is not doing real well with his chemo this time around. We took them their paper yesterday with their weekly visit with bandit :)) and his face was swollen. We put a call into dr and he didn't seem to concerned since his dosage is stronger this time around. He goes back for another treatment tomorrow and I'm finding myself hoping he can't do the treatment. Is this wrong? I don't know. I feel in my gut something's not right. Doug is with him tomorrow and he'll call us as soon as they see him. Mary hasn't insisted on going this round, which is a blessing. Whoevers not with ray pops in thru the morning with breakfast and lunch. I've gotten their meals done for the week. Doug Jen and I cooked all day yesterday to see to it. I'm finding myself a little depressed and just worried. It's a different feeling from when DQ was under my roof, but there all the same. Hope everyone is doing well. And cat and emjo, did you see the post of my great nephew listening to the singing valentine card? Isn't he just awesome. Love to all of you my friends!!!! Lisa
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PunchNJudy, I also don't get that many emails on this thread anymore either, but I don't think the KAW have been posting much lately. We haven't had a line from
Lisa in quite a while. I guess everyone is busy... But Lisa how are your PIL's?
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Hello to everyone--no, I didn't drop off the face of the earth!! I have no idea why I no longer get the 'new post' emails delivered anymore. Everything says that I am still "following" misc. discussions (this one included) but no emails. If anyone can shed light on it and tell me how to fix it, I'd be thrilled. Either way, hope all are well and that you all had great holidays. I want to wish all of you a wonderful 2013 with health, wealth and happiness, for sure. HUGE HUGS and XXX -Punch
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Kimbee: Glad you gave us a drive by. We are all thinking of you and with you in spirit. Sorry mom is declining, but I think we all felt that was happening. Sending you love and white light. Get back with us when you can. We understand and are here for you. Love, Cat
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Just checked in. Been gone all day.

Jeanne: A million hugs to you. I'm hugging you and hugging you. Let me just say that Paxil is a good antidepressant where anxiety is involved. You might want to consider it and give it a try. It sure works for me. I am an anticipator, someone who is always thinking ahead about what needs to be done, etc. It was a wonderful attribute for planning trips, etc for children with high-risk and terminal illnesses. It kept me a step ahead and helped me be prepared for all possible contingencies. On the down side, it doesn't let me rest. Paxil did not keep me from being pro-active, but it did keep a lot of the anxiety at bay. It's not the answer to everything, but I sure sleep better. Sleep is always a tough one for me. Sorry about the advise, but it's the price of hugs. Love you, Cat.
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Hugs Jeanne- lots of them! Feel better. Kim
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wahhh, I need hugs! :(

My sleep therapy (for Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) is not going well at all. It is stressful.

Last night while not sleeping I was thinking about and missing Coy. I'm sure that is to be expected. This morning I awoke with general free-floating anxiety. You know, like "omg, I've got that root canal appointment in an hour" or "I have to go to the bank and straighten out that mess," but with no event or specific worry to attach it too. Actually, I'm on Lexapro for that kind of feeling (and others) but I'll admit I'm not taking my drugs very faithfully.

I see the sleep therapist Monday. I see the psychiatrist in two weeks. I see the sleep doctor in a month. I just got a packet from hospice to sign up for grief counseling. I'm not without resources.

I just need a hug!
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Kimbee drive by... Missing you all. Doing ok here but busy, lots of challenges and mom declining rapidly. Sorry I haven't felt like being in touch. Not sure why exactly-maybe combo of busy, tired and avoidance coping. The physical and emotional drain here is quite a bit but I am hanging in there pretty well. I hope all of you are doing well and had nice holidays. I will try to catch up w what's been going on here with each of you. Luv, kimbee
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oh so you're the joan!!! you always write such thoughtful...and thought filled comments...heading up toe see my mother, while my father is in the hospital...he called the police..so...i hope he's enjoying the attention! he's calling my mom 4 times a day....she feels sorry..yada yada...i told her..you can't keep doing this to us!! don't expect us to bail you out everytime...and remember..the calls he made to the nieghbors saying she had alzheimers...her doc telling him she's an alcoholic..and so on...he lies , he slandered her...and i'm not enabling anymore...i hope you enjoy your chinese..and i hope you feel the presence of your dear friend..big hugs my friend..marylee
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Thanks marylee - a good meal in a Chineses restaurant would do it. I remember the two of us going to Chinatown in E'ton years and years ago not long after we first met. Great idea!
I am so glad to see you write "but i'm out..i can't anymore..not good for me or my family."
You are correct about that! Stick to your guns. Usually we cannot save a person from themself.

Jeanne, I seem to remember that you were sending out job applications. I am wondering if anything is happening for you job-wise.

Lisa, you are quiet. How are the pils? Gosh that sounds like "pills", but they are not. Ray is having chemo now? I gather your DG is quiet. I wish!!!

Cat, jude, KIMBEE (capitals because I am calling). austin and all - hope quiet means life is good.

♥, hugs and prayers for all Joan
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i've had brain surgery, and survived a head on..forgive me..if i don't remember names..emjo..i'm sorry for your loss...toast your friend...or eat something fun and decadent in her honor...you both shared love and laughs...you cant beat or buy that! as for my parents...i lived with them, on and off for 30 years...been running back to take care for another 24 more...my father ...will call the police, if my mom doesn't get him something fast enough..we are lucky to have enough of a break...he's back in the hospital..and again, my mom said...he's calling her, and saying how he wants to come back..this after his tantrum and calling police!! she said she feels sorry; i told her..you can keep enabling..but i'm out..i can't anymore..not good for me or my family. i wish you all a peace filled day..big hugs, marylee
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littlekat - if you post is directed at lisa (survivor2) her mother is already out of her home, and placed in a facility. You may want to read through the thread. You might get some ideas for yourself. From what I read in your profile, you sound like you need a break, Your mum does not have to be poor physically to be placed in a facility. You could contact the local Agency on Aging, and Social Services to find out what your optins are. Good luck
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talk to a lawyer-she needs help that you aren't qualified to give.Be careful that your relationship with your husband doesn't get too strained also. Weigh your priorities and put the correct ones on top of your list.Sounds like she needs to be in rehab.You're not superhuman-put your own family first.
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