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juju~you didn't stir it up, I can't talk about my mom without getting emotional, I guess because I am very involved in her care. Mom primarily took care of dad. I didn't understand the stress involved in caring for someone with dementia until mom started needing care. No worries juju, Hugs to you!!
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Ilveuman: Sounds like you are on the right track. Take care of your daughter and provide a place for her that she can call home and be safe in. Same for you. When you get settled, you might want to call Adult Protective Services and explain that you mom is not capable of living safely on her own and that it is not possible for you to live with her. Maybe they can check on her and arrange for other living accommodations that will keep her in a safer environment. You don't have to do this now, but maybe in time it will be necessary. Your decision.

Build your life. Get your independence back and enjoy your family. If your mother has a medical issue that requires a hospital stay, have her evaluated regarding her dementia and her ability to live alone.

Good luck. Cattails.
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Midwest: I do appreciate the guilt that children of a Narcissistic mom's endure and I applaud you for getting your mom out of your home and back to her own in such a short period of time.

I don't think you need therapy because you had to good sense to get her out of your home and the courage to make it happen. You didn't let the "guilt" keep you from making that change.

I'm sorry you miss being loved, but don't forget that you can love yourself. You can be the parent you never had to the child who still lives inside you. You can protect yourself now and shelter yourself from abuse, just like a real parent would do for their child.

My hat is off to you. There are very few people under the cloud of a NM who have had the courage to do what you have done. Sharynmarie had some good reading suggestions for you. The best part is that you have the ability to take that information and utilize it in your life.

Best wishes, Cattails.
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Juju, just to add a bit to what Sharynmarie said. Lisa's mom was moved to a senior housing complex before she went into a nursing home. It took a lot of work, but they got it done.
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Anarcisic mother changes who we would become as children and adults we often marry a controling person because we think we need safety and pick someone who also is narcisic but who hide it until after we get married and those of us a certain age were expected to stay married at all costs and of course we did not live together before marriage as couples do now-I am just so blessed to have a kind loving man in my life now who loves me and cares for me greatly-he said he can not change the past but can make sure I am no longer hurt from now on.
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It is ok to be emotional, sorry i stirred it up....you all are so strong to do what you do for a mom who does what they do! I resented ma for a long time b4 i understood her anguish, and that it was her poor coping skills, and not something i had done and then got over it, the last part took long time. My dad n bro's were hell to the end but i feel for ya cuz i believe it is a little harder coming from a mom...as I sed if she was the old her, or the boys, this wouldn't be working at all,n I'd be stark raving mad, I have been blessed.
Take care all and stay strong!!
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juju~Lisa's mom has been removed from her home. She is now in a nursing home due to her health issues. A social worker handles her care. Lisa and her family have recovered well from the ordeal with her mother living with them. She has a very loving family who supported her. If you go back a few pages to March, you can read her last update. No worries regarding your apology, I sometimes use wording that I feel others may take offense to as well. My mother was similar to Lisa's before Alzheimer's took over, (not as difficult as Lisa's), a personality disorder is not easy to grow up with or deal with as an adult. This is 75% why my mother cannot live with me. It is sad that many of us on this site have had to deal with this type of issue because we all think....this person gave birth to you, is your flesh and blood, sorry I am getting emotional now...I just wish I had a different relationship with my mother from birth to 6 months ago. Hugs to you!!
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you know my comment stranger than fiction was rude I am sorry, I have lived that life with my dad and brothers and I did not mean it negatively...I just really hoped she got it taken care of and /or found some peace and identified with it To know I am not alone in having to remove someone toxic from your life, just not mom! And maybe felt too comfy n sed something like that, my apologies!!! Take care n Have a good day!!!
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To Cattaols and Sharonmarie- Yes I'm aware of the Narcissistic sites and I even have a blog running regarding that very same subject: "Adult daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"
When my mother came to visit me in California from Chicago I needed to find out what I had on my hands, when my mother began to act out. I haven't lived with her since I was 23 years old and now I was 63 years and had all these problems with her. I thought it would have given my mother and I a chance to spend time together and being that she was 85 and I lived far away (moved to California recently) we could perhaps form a bond which was fragile as it was. Instead it was a visit from Hell. During her visit I was so perplexed as to what to do and being that I'm computer literate, I went on lone and started to research. I came across the word "Narcissistic" because I found my mother constantly wanting things of me. I realized it was always about her and her attitude was very mean spirited and unhealthy, especially for me. While she was here I wanted to see how I could handle the situation, because it was getting so out of hand that I was ready to put her on the plane, but as soon as I said: "Mom, would you like to go home" after she said she wants to go home as soon as possible, she responded with: " Don't threaten me, I will run into the hallway and yell elderly abuse and see how you will like it" Well, that shut me up and at that point I knew I had a problem. Big problem. You see I'm an Apartment Manager at a Luxury Community and she was literally threatening me, so she had control. Internally I was very upset, but kept my cool. These 2 months were a learning experience and not only that, I realized that it was not my fault, it's who she is. I'm an only child and to be so hated by your own mother, while you are trying to hold her hand, give her a hug and hope that she has an ounce of love, is very difficult to realize, but I do. I do not need counseling at this stage of the game. I did that years ago. I consider myself very stable, even though I have a mother who is totally absorbed about herself. And her calls will be handled at my pace. The only thing is and I have to admit, I miss being loved.
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Oops about mom should have said *she wasn't viscious type but angry/unhappy definitely.
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Ok I saw this thread and read the header..and a few pages but I am too tired and O.D.ing (temporarily) on all this new info I cant do anymore..Would it be rude of me to say it is fascinating "stranger than fiction" stuff love it, and just ask "What happened to mom" How did it go, did she get her out "relatively, lol" smoothly, which I cant imagine, and timely"??? I really am soooo blessed my mom is a doll now disease stole her emotional pain, that is really helping a lot, it could be worse kinda thing!!! But she was a viscious but angry/unhappy with a raging bipolar alcoholic husband (and she stood by him to the end 58 ys of marriage) to deal with as well as try raising 3 kids. She worked hard to provide and I know she loved us but It was dysfunctional home, she would have such anger outbursts and being the youngest by 8ys I was the one at home to take it all! As a child I had no clue but as an adult I understand she was under immeasurable stress. I revel in the peaceful life i have given her the last 8 ys we have now just me n the new her, no more family drama!!!! But also sometimes I see her in me, it is scary, now that I am under same type of stress, fight for life. I'm sure I am handling it better but coupled with genetics and caregiver burnout depression is a constant battle tho. My brothers both followed in Dads footsteps unfortunately and refuse to seek help...least dad saw a dr and tried! oh ho hum...I ramble on again sorry ..neway k thanks everyone this is a great place so glad I found it !
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Midwest~the best way to deal with a narcissistic parent is to detach emotionally from them with love. Google detaching with love, then set boundaries in your life regarding what you will and will not accept regarding verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It is all up to you to set those boundaries and stand strong no matter what. Do not back down because mom calls begging to be let in, I am sorry, I won't do it again....because she will do it again and you probably know that already. Then distance yourself...you chose when to have contact and like Cattails said...keep it short and sweet. Google dealing with narcissistic personalities to get more info, learn what FOG means...fear, obligation and guilt...how it affects you, learn what gaslighting is and how it messes up your emotional well being. Read and read more to arm yourself against it. Hugs to you!!
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Midwest: Do you know that there is a Narcissistic Mom site on AC. Maybe you need to go there and read up on their struggles. Hope that will help.
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MRS MAGOO BIG TIME!!!
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What do you do with a mom who calls an ambulance everytime she has an anxiety attack? The insurance refuses to pay for this last trip. Shes had numerous Dr.s quit on her for the numerous calls to there offices! The house insurance got cancelled because of her numerous calls for claims. She not only has dementia, she has had schizo her whole life. OMG Shrinks have quit her. Her Geractics (sp?) Drs quit her. And tell me and siblings good luck?!!!
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Thank you Cattails. I always look at suggestion as a way of different points of view and I never get insulted. I came on this site to learn and bounce off my own situation.
The guilt that this woman instilled in me is unbelievable and yet I'm considered a very strong and a common sense kind a of a gal. But the scars are deep and no matter how old one get's the verbal and physical abuse one receives as a child and it continues in to adulthood is unbelievable.
I enjoyed your comments all the way thru. This was a very good forum for Lisa to survive the antics of her mother.

By the way, my mother called few weeks before Mothers Day and I talked with her very briefly. And when Mothers Day was upon me, I struggled with the should I or shouldn't I. So I sent her one. Yes, I anticipated a phone call, but what I'm trying to achieve is that, no, I will not talk to you mother dearest when you call, I will call when I'm good and ready. So far it's Tuesday and I have not returned her calls. There was a time in my life, not to long ago, my mother would get mad and punish me by not talking to me for weeks, months and sometimes up to a year or so. Then when she was done punishing me she would find a way to get in contact with me and I would forgive her and all was good for a while. But during that "good time" she would call and demand that I call her daily. I in return would say what for, and her reply was what if something happen to me. I responded, mother you can not talk to me for weeks, months, or a year and you would be fine and now you want daily calls? Not doing it.
So this is what I'm trying to avoid. All my young adulthood, I was an obedient daughter and always forgave her and allowed her to manipulate me. Not anymore. I'm just sorry that I did not nip this selfish woman a long time ago. She had such an impact on my life and she was so detrimental to some of my decisions, that I sometimes just have to shake my head. But it is what it is and all I'm trying to do now is cut loose. Working on it. You will hear from me here and there because my mother needs to control me and she can't, but she is gonna try. Let's see what this month brings.
Again, thank you for your input.
Midwest
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I apologize if this sounds un sympathetic, you need to put her somewhere else in a faciltiy, before she tears your family apart, Mine did or help contributed too it major. I love my mom also Ironically she never raised me MY dad did. Now she is so hateful, third stage dementia, Im spending what I have to pick up difference, now Im divorce, spend more than if I lived alone with my daughter, but tells me Im unappreciative, Uhm up 5:00am meds, breakfast, empty potty chairs, wash face, etc, make easy lunch for her to get on own, wheelchair, but bust her all the time if your not in room, waiting on her self. (she s only by her self 6 hrs) then Im late for work, numerous caretakers later on- day time for 6 hrs , during day stealing, Her own Drs quit!! Tried of her calling them all day, then tell me Good Luck with that, what the hell is that!! Im currently moving out of her house, back in my own. Im leaving it with God. One day at a time. Im tired of the emotional roller coaster, I still have a daughter to raise, a grand baby I never get to see (son;s) stuck here all the time. Or don't leave for more than an hour. In and out of emergency rooms. Her panic attacks, insurance refuses to pay anymore.
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Kick Ass Women. Sorry you could not have been involved in this thread, Christina. You would have enjoyed it. I'm sure you could have put some designer touches on our blue tights and tuna cans. Flash back to Wonder Woman. If you have time and are interested, read the thread. One of the best on AC.

Hugs to you my friend, Cattails.
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Sorry--what is KAW?
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Horserider: Lisa's life does not include her mom living in her home. She cleaned house, so to speak and we congratulate her on the decisions she made. So many people stay stuck in the manipulative game, but Lisa took the information many gave her, plus her own good sense (no substitute for that) and changed the world her family lived in. It's all good.
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Horserider: Lisa has moved on and is now enjoying a life with her family and those who love her. Your comments were pretty right on, but a little late. If you get a chance, read the thread. It's a good read for anyone dealing with this problem.
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Midwest: I have been reading the posts and I started to comment about your dilemma on the mother's day card, but then decided against. What you are describing now is exactly what I anticipated; you sent your mom a card, so she sees that as an opening and calls wanting to talk to you. Does that surprise you?

I'm sorry that I didn't comment initially, so please don't take this comment as criticism in anyway. I am one of the KAW girls and you asked for their comments, so for what it is worth, here's mine. If you are not willing to see or speak to your mom then it makes no sense to send a card. In fact, in some way it's unkind.

You have every right to chose to not speak to your mom. If the pain of her words is something you can not tolerate, then don't. There is no reason for anyone to open themselves up to a hateful and vindictive verbal tirade. It doesn't matter that she is your mom. If she only brings you pain then cut your losses and don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking that you must endure her abuse. That's BS. You get to choose what is right for you and what is good for your mental health.

Aside from no contact, here are a couple of options. You can write your mom a letter and tell her that you are willing to have contact with her, but it will have to be occasional for now and always civil. You can mention the "sorry you were ever born" comment and tell her that if she ever says that or other hateful words to you again, you will have absolutely no further contact with her. The first time she starts to get hostile that will be the end and the decision will be yours, based on your definition of hostile. My guess is that in time she will cross the line and you can bring a clear end to contact.

Another option is to call her, have a conversation and keep it short and sweet. Tell her that you are not up to insults or nasty comments. If she can go with that, then you will keep in touch on your terms. Don't return all her calls. Send the generic card and speak to her when you feel strong enough to cope with her verbal surprises.

You need to weigh what is in YOUR best interest. If my suggestions don't feel comfortable to you, then kick them to the curb. No problem.

Best regards, Cattails.
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Ooh - I like it 5150 --"danger to ones self or others". She DOES have mental problems -- she's an addict. I doubt that she believes you.....boy will SHE be surprised.
BTW, DPOA wouldn't have obligated you to pay her bills for you, only authorized you to use her money to pay her bills (and if she were declared incompetant you could keep it from her so she couldn't spend at QVC). So let me guess...she's been living rent- free at your house while spending at QVC, smokes, etc.?
Since you are pretty much washing your hands of responsiblity of your Mom's self-created train wreck it's probably just as well you don't have it though. Let the Public guardian take care of her, or maybe a payee (someone NOT related who won't care how mean she is).
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Mothers Day came and I did not call my Mother. I sent her the generic card and on Sat. she called 2 times, whimpering, how she is glad I sent her a card and she would like to talk to me. I'm so cauterized I simply can not call her and have a conversation. The hurt is so deep, that as soon as I see she is calling I get upset. To some it may sound cold and callous but let me say this: This woman is not mentally challenged makes it even harder for me, because if she had dementia, then at least I could give her the excuse, but she has all her marbles, she is just realizing she messed up with me and wants to get back in to my good graces, so once I'm comfortable "Wham!" She will sucker punch me. No thank you. Hearing her say to me a few months ago that she wished I was never born, did it for me. What a shame!
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i haven't been on here for a long time...i had a father like above...i went to see him in october, and he sat with his back to me. i sat with a sweet old man from the assisted living. my mom insisted i speak to him in january; it was the same; complaints....i told him i have nothing to do with his care as i don't have power of attorney; i don't even know his money situation....mind you..up to this time, i was doing most of the work...i stayed at home until...both..:( marriages...and went back there to help my "mother" with him...that got me nowhere but more pain..anyway..i haven't spoken to him since january..sometime you need to get away; i am finally able to pray for him..and that took alot...big hugs to all of you...the pain, the emotional abuse..and physical..never leaves...it leaves a hole in your sole...i stopped the cycle of abuse when i had children....my best and love to all of you...ps..i've had brain surgery..so my writing is a mess...after surviving that..the best my father could say was...you look great..you finally lost weight..mind you...half of my head was shaved and i had 2 black eyes...so..there you go...
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Lol, no I'm serious about the greeting card thing. Yes, I have forgiven my poor mother, and no I'm not bitter! I made a decision to continue to be responsible for her care, but put my life first for a change. Thanks for asking:)
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Ohh so true ChritinaW....I hate those mushy cards. I actually go to the Dollar store and buy all the Birthday cards, cheaper and less wordier.
Calicaregiver- I had a wonderful Mother In-law, she was kind and sweet to me. She lived with me when she became a Widow for 17 years, until she died of Alzheimer's. The hate my own Mother had for my Mother-In law was unreal. My Mother was jealous of anyone who loved me and was good to me. My Mother ripped in to my Mother In law constantly. We never stood for it, but in the moments she got out what she needed and it was to late, the words were out. My Father loved me til the end. He died too. My parents were divorced so there was this animosity against my Father as well. She hated him and I was his daughter. The funny part is that I look like my Mother and have a lot of my Fathers personality.
The people who loved me the most have died, but the one who hates me is still alive. Now isn't that the pip?!
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Christina, you sound bitter....😟 I hope that you can forgive the people that made you feel so bad someday. Life is so unfair sometimes. Sucks. You must be such a caring and giving person to take care of your mom. Don't let her poison get inside you. It's like a cancer, it will eat you alive.
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Oh, how many hours have I spent standing in front of the MD cards, tears welling up because I wish I felt that way about my Mother. I have not given her a card for years since she cannot see. I wonder what people are still sending her cards for? For ME to read? Ridiculous. How about putting a little effort behind their feelings and come spend an hour with her? Right.
Austin, wouldn't it be great if Hallmark or American Greetings did a line of cards for Narcissists? The cover would have little mirrors on them. It would read " Hey, it's ALL ABOUT YOU Today, as always"! Yesterday, today and Tomorrow, it's all about YOU, oh great one! lol Signed, Your Little Nobody, kiss kiss.
I don't buy cards for anyone if the sentiment is phony. Most of them make me sick.
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It's heart breaking for me to read so many comments about the abuse so many people suffered from their mothers. My mother died when I was very young, and gratefully, I have only loving, and warm memories of her.......her beauty...and her kindness. I have three grown sons of my own, and it really makes me want to re-think my behavior toward them while they were growing up. Did I do all I could do to be a good mom? Are they hurt by anything I did or said that I directed at them? Do they feel like they could tell me if I hurt them in ways that still effect them now? Could they forgive me? Happy (early) Mother's Day to everyone!
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