My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Take care all and stay strong!!
I don't think you need therapy because you had to good sense to get her out of your home and the courage to make it happen. You didn't let the "guilt" keep you from making that change.
I'm sorry you miss being loved, but don't forget that you can love yourself. You can be the parent you never had to the child who still lives inside you. You can protect yourself now and shelter yourself from abuse, just like a real parent would do for their child.
My hat is off to you. There are very few people under the cloud of a NM who have had the courage to do what you have done. Sharynmarie had some good reading suggestions for you. The best part is that you have the ability to take that information and utilize it in your life.
Best wishes, Cattails.
Build your life. Get your independence back and enjoy your family. If your mother has a medical issue that requires a hospital stay, have her evaluated regarding her dementia and her ability to live alone.
Good luck. Cattails.
Many hard feelings are created, many fights have been had over religion here. Many times we have all found that God's answer to our prayers are "NO" just as many times are they are "yes". So please do not come in and offer God as a solution to someone that you do not even know; ok? Thank you.
Also, because the original poster was able to move on, find herself help, and has dealt with this situation, it IS important that you read ALL the posts before you make a comment. You really have no idea what you are stepping into at all if you don't. At the very least you might read all of hers.
Anyway have a nice night to all!!!
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It's not been easy, but Lisa (Survived2) has a wonderful family, husband, children and in-laws who love her and that love is reciprocated.
You can make a change in your life if you truly want too. This family did make a change and they are thriving as a result.
Well, nevertheless, I may just go and look up that special on Boundaries you mentioned, CeeCee, it sounds good!
You can make a change, Survived2 has shown everyone what is possible when you want to make that change.
When a relative is as dysfunctional as described in the post, taking them in under your roof, "because we might be able to better our relationship"----AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! They don't somehow suddenly learn how to "improve" their relationships....they don't know how, have been that way all their lives---they lack tools to change that, and learning new tools, is very rare at this stage.
When the relationship was so bad you decided to "Walk Away", in the past, believe me, it will still be that bad, or worse, as someone ages, and/or has greater problems with substance abuse, or other health issues impair the person's judgement and abilities.
Those of us who think they can somehow heal a bad relationship of many years, so often feel desperate to find, somehow, the parent we always yearned for and never had-----BUT, we CANNOT EVER expect, that a life-long dysfunctional person will change and suddenly be able to demonstrate the love or functional parenting that they never could, just because they move in under the same roof.
Kids who grow up in that kind of home, are broken, themselves--if we somehow learn to do some better than our own broken parents did--great! But taking them into our homes, means we put ourselves at great risk of being damaged yet more, and falling down that rabbit hole again---then if we survive, must again, find ways to heal ourselves.
Some don't survive additional exposures to those broken parents--some die of heart attacks, strokes, or other diseases.
This Parent has already made accusations of theft of her drugs, etc.; accusations will get worse, and may, if she can, make your family's life he!! by reporting those accusations to others, including officials.....Which might end up your family being accused of elder abuse, and your Mom being removed to elsewhere---but that could be bad for you.
IF you are desperate enough to get her out of your home, AND are ready to STOP being a dysfunctional martyr yourself:
===Some have considered reporting themselves to APS, because there are laws protecting elders, but NONE protecting caregivers from elder's abusing caregivers. But that's a BAD way to use the system.
===KEEP RECORDS, DAILY, on a calendar or diary, of things she says and does, and your response to those statements and behaviors. Also keep records of her chronic financial messes--bills, letters, papers relating how bad those financial issues got.
===Call 911 to file a report, every time Mom becomes abusive physically, or, to report the elder endangering herself or others in any way--911 calls MUST be on file.
===Report her threats or behaviors that endanger herself or others, to her Doctors--they are supposed to keep that on her files. So does 911. So do Social Workers.
===If her behaviors are stressing you so badly that you are depressed, or feel suicidal, call the suicide prevention 800-number, and talk with someone!
Make sure there is a file kept on that, so they can show the effect your Mom's behaviors and the stress of caregiving are tearing you to bits....and, make sure they understand the bad effects it's had on your kids, and that you feel frustrated due to lack of agencies inability to find ways to get Mom out of your house to protect your kids, and that she's threatened you, and how.
===You can also, if possible, make a statement about Mom's substance abuse and her behaviors, to give to her Primary Care Doc, to put in her file
----I had to do that for my Mom, and it made her Doc stop and read it, before prescribing more Narcs to Mom when she asked for them "just in case I need them"----it prevented the Doc from over-prescribing narcs, which is very important, because it can help reduce bad behaviors, for one thing---or, because your Mom has been addicted so long, it could end up a good reason to get her admitted to a facility, to get her OUT of your house, before more damage to your family relationships happens than already has.
Keeping good records, and making official reports on various agencies files, becomes a "preponderance of evidence" that you can use to both protect yourself from her behaviors, and, to get her placed in a facility, or at least in her own apartment...but AWAY from your house.
Keeping good records is the only recourse caregivers currently have, to my knowledge, to protect themselves....it is you, being empowering and proactive for you and your own family.
===Mom told you that it will take a judge to get her out of your house---well, it might---but if you've kept records everywhere--Doctor, Social Worker, your Doctor, 922 system, etc., you have tools to help a judge, in your favor, get Mom taken out of your home.
YOU can ask a judge to get your Mom declared incompetent [based on her financial messes][you are keeping records of her financial messes, right?], and have her perhaps committed for 72 hour observation based on her threats to do harm to herself or others, and her drug problems, for instance.
Once she's admitted to ANY facility, you tell them she cannot return to your home--ever....that Social Workers must find other habitation for her, because your health and that of your kids, has been threatened by her, and you, as a parent, are doing due-dillegence, to prevent her harming you and your kids.
IF your Mom can't live by herself, she might qualify for Assisted Living.
They would definitely monitor and control how much drugs she gets.
Mom might do anything possible to avoid that, because she knows they will limit her access to those.
Bottom line:
PROTECT YOURSELF by keeping good records and filing appropriate reports with agencies about her behaviors.
STOP allowing her to use your money, no matter how bad she make you feel about that..
STOP allowing her to guilt-you into "bailing her out"
----if she stacks up credit card debt----it's HER debt---as long as only her name is on it.
You are NOT required to bail her out of that---once she is in over her head, and can't pay those cards, her credit score goes bad, but the card companies will not be able to do much to get paid back---about all they can do, is report bad credit on her files, which, ends up stopping her getting more credit cards, after awhile.
====Make sure she is NOT taking out credit cards in your name, or any of your family's name--that is fraud--and it's reportable--best by you.
===KEEP YOUR personal papers hidden where she cannot get at them!
===STOP allowing her to keep verbally and emotionally abusing you!
You can walk away from the immediate area [sometimes]; you can tell her "I wish you well", you can tell her, " I love you"---and while you tell her neutral or loving statements, make sure you hear them in your own mind and heart, as you, telling yourself, that you wish yourself well, and you love yourself----because that Mother couldn't tell you those things, and should have.
BUT, it's totally Unrealistic, no matter how badly you want it or need it, to think a Mom who could never be the Mom you needed, to suddenly become a good one, or anything close to it----at this age, it's more likely to get far worse.
It's really important you learn to advocate for yourself; to learn to 'parent' yourself effectively and lovingly, to give yourself the love and nurturing you didn't get from parent[s].
As adults, this is what we must learn to do, as a good way to cope better.
It's good that you learned to survive hard things in your life;
It's better, to learn to Thrive, despite those hard things.
Learn to be a bit "selfish": the kind where you learn to take care of your basic needs, and then some, in order to better be able to live a better life for your kids, for your own family....that kind of "selfishness" is GOOD, because it is about you learning to thrive, instead of merely surviving.
Learn to "put your own oxygen mask on first", in a crisis--otherwise, you will suffer as badly or worse, than any you try to help.
She thinks she's got you where she wants you; you meanwhile, are learning how to play her games better than she can, and use them in your own favor.
I'm so sorry. Are there social worker's in your area? Can you find an assisted living community that you can afford? Can her doctor prescribe medicine to help her outrageous behavior? When my mother was living with my family and attacking all of us with her threats, she even slapped my daughter in the face, her family doctor prescribed her behavioral medication that calmed her down and she is still on it over a year and a half later. She's much happier and thus we are too! I found her an assisted living community that was close to our home and had some "affordable income level" units. Most of them do have them available, you may have to be on a wait list to get one.
Also, is she better with other people? I found a local college student to provide us a break for a few hours at a time. We paid her an hourly fee. Her grandma lived with her and she help take care of her until she passed. My mother really loved spending time with her. And, it gave us a well needed sanity break.
I wish you and your family the best. You have to take action to protect your family, your marriage and your own sanity.
Take-care of yourself...