My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Kimbee - glad you dropped by, but sorry your mum is not doing so well.Look after you (((((((hugs))))
Jeanne - hope you are getting some good ideas about sleep, Insomnia is the pits. I am with everyone on the posts - yours are fine. Maybe a few people are suffering from the winter blahs. Hope you are feeling better.((((((((((hugs)))))))))
cat - you seem to be hanging on there...good!
austn - good to see you emerging from the blues
cmag -hi -always nice to see you posting here
marcia - can you get some help from social services, or the local Agency on Aging. Could your doctor help as he/ she will recognize that caring for your husband is too much for you/ Lisa (survivor2) called in social services and told her story.
vstefans - good advice, as always.
hi beanie - hope you enjoyed the Teepa Snow session
My friend had her surgery yesterday and they took two lymph nodes, both of which were clear, so it looks like the cancer has not metastasized. She was resting and comfortable last night. I am relieved. Thanks to anyone who prayed. I am finally shaking the flu, or whatever I got around Christmas. They often seem to hang on for me. Then I got an allergy "hit" this morning - aaaargh!!! Hard to tell what is a cold, or the flu, or allergy sometimes, but this morning was allergies.
Part of what sent me into the pit was reading a quote from Aubrey De Grey - "the first human who will live up to 1,000 years is probably already alive now"
my first reaction was "Oh my Lord, that would be mother!" It is enough to send anyone into a downward spiral!!! LOL Then I started to think that I would just have to be the second person to live that long, though I am not sure I would want to. What a thought!!! They better find a cure for wrinkles and sags if people are going to live that long. Not bad now, but after 700 yrs I may trip over something. ;)
Tonight we are going to my son and dil's to watch the PBS version of Les Mis. I gave them the DVD. Should be a nice evening.
♥, hugs and prayers, and a few laughs :-D if you can find them. Joan
And whatever you decide to do, don't you dare feel guilty! (My stepdaughter told me that if I ever started feeling guilty after her dad died I should let her know and she'd come whop me long side the head. I'd make the same promise to you if it weren't so dang far to come to do it.)
A sudden urge to work in the kitchen has overcome me. I'm trying new recipes and cooking real food. I take that as a good sign I'm on the mend. I gave my son Pat (who lives with me) three cook books and asked him to pick out something that sounded good. He took them into his room. I figured he might open a book at random, wait a half an hour, and tell me that was what he wanted. But half an hour later he emerged with a list of 4 to 7 recipes from each book. I take that as a sign that he is on the mend, too. Coy's death was really very hard on him, too.
Last week's new recipes were for cholent and a fancy mac and cheese. Superb! I also tried a mushroom soup recipe that wasn't a keeper. Two out of three isn't bad. Tomorrow I'm trying a crockpot recipe for Thai chicken with peanut sauce.
My mother, 92 with dementia, is going to spend one weekend a month with me, to give my sister some respite. I'm a little nervous. I wasn't able to help my sisters much with her while I was taking care of Coy. She moved in with my sister Pat (yes, my son was named for her) five weeks ago and dear Pat is already going nuts but doing a great job. We all know what that is like, don't we?
Can't wait to hear about your new hat, Lisa.
Curiosity: wondering how she lasted til now, still holding onto an active debit card...
gotta be kinda like my drunk uncle...we even called the PD to get them to catch him driving, yet, they refused to stop him! We even scrambled all his keys, to make it so he couldn't find the right one to drive with...still failed to stop him.
Yet, he had a great trick to take Gma's license from her earlier in her Alzheimers: he arranged with the DOL to help her fail the drivers test they cooked up for her...that way, the DOL was the "bad guy", not Uncle.
SO glad you are taking care of you, setting limits on her use of you!
It's really hard to do that, but once the process is practiced, it gets easier.
If you have kids, you are also role-modeling for them.
Priceless!
I still have too many moments of profound grief over loss of family relations I never really had. I simply cannot get sucked back into their behaviors anymore, no matter how much I love them--it's such a trap..
Dysfunctional families are messy business.
But I think, maybe, those of us who stop buying into it, and change completely, that maybe, next generations can learn better, do better.
Hopefully to stop repeatinng dysfunctional history.
It takes such strength and perseverence.
Caregivers, no matter how it appears--we are the ones who stepped into the breach. That takes remarkable courage.
Kentucky Kate - nice to see you again and thanks for the kind words. Keep in touch.
jeanne - good for you for getting active in the kitchen, and that Pat is interested in trying new things. I think cooking is a good sign. I am sure you will do a stellar job with your mum once a month.
chimonger, I really identify with this "I simply cannot get sucked back into their behaviors anymore, no matter how much I love them--it's such a trap..
Dysfunctional families are messy business". Indeed they are! Hopefully the next generation will do better, though, as some forms of dysfunction are genetic, some will be carried in down the generations, unfortunately. I see it happening in my family.
diavalon - what a lovely story about your uncle. Nice to hear about some good guys for a change. I find cooking is comfort too, and I go for things that are nourishing, and tasty - things I can eat,
Need more prayers here. Gary went south, before going west on business to, among other things, see his son with the head injury as he has not picked up well after the operation before Christmas. Then, yesterday, I got a phone call from Gary's dad that it looks like their home is sold, so Gary had some things he has to get out of there, quickly, but the bad news is that his mum is in hospital with an infection in her heart - she had bypass surgery 6 years ago, is throwing up from the pills they are giving her, and can't even speak to her husband. She is 87 and dad is 89 - neither in great health. The move to the ALF, though necessary really should have been done a few years ago, as it has been too hard on mum. The poor man was in tears on the phone, which surprised me as I don't really know him, and I wish I could do something. But there really isn't anything I can do, and I am stuck up here. I told him he could call me to talk any time. It is about all I can do and pray.
♥, hugs and prayers for all. Joan
I took ray and Mary to the VA hospital for his chemo treatment. On the way to the cafeteria we stopped in a room where they sell military caps, medals, etc. Well I saw a hat I loved. It was pink with the breast cancer emblem on it with the words BELIEVE. I asked the price and thought nah, I can find one cheaper than that. So we ate breakfast and went upstairs for the four hours of chemo needed. We leave after for the elevators and ray took off down the steps. I moved to go with him and Mary said stop. Leave him be. We get downstairs and wait and I'm panicked thinking he's hurt himself, he's fallen down the steps. I'm headed for the doors to go look for him and there he came. He walked out those doors with the Hubert smile on his face waving the pink hat I fell in love with. Now some may think dam Lisa, it's just a hat. Wrong. It's love in it's purest form. What it took for him to get down those steps just to surprise me. I still get a lump. Made me cry. In the car he said girl your gonna have to dry those tears up cause I'm too dam pooped to get us home. So there is the story of my new hat
You can only do so much. You mentioned that is your mother does a certain action then something else will happen....whatever your mother's actions, she will have to suffer the consequences...(taking into consideration safety of course), I have been in your situation and it doesn't matter what you do or how much you do, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. The arguments over the pain meds and stuff, you probably don't have time for all of that. You probably want more than anything for her to just trust you and rightfully so since you are caring for her but from what I have learned they never get it. My opinion, I would look for her a medical facility or some place where she can be taken care of and you can get your life back. Just let her know that you love her and that is all you can do. However she responds, we have know control over. Good luck with your situation and just take one day at a time. Try not to project the future like I did, it will drive you nuts. Something good will come your way soon.
For the last few weeks I've been going to chapel house going thru her things deciding what to take to nursing home and what will be given away. She's of course already accusing me of stealing her things and handing them out to the grandchildren. She's shown her ass several times to the staff because things she wants brought there isn't possible. But finally there's my new rock Diane who does her job. She's told me this is what she's trained for. This is her job. She will handle DQ, Doug and I do what we need to do. In front of me she has told mom how much she likes me. Mom just looked at her and said, and here I thought you were an intelligent woman. There's lots more drama, but I received a phone call yesterday from head nurse at nursing home. She fell. She has broken her femur and hip. She disobeyed the rules. Never take off your oxygen and always wait for the aid to transport her in a wheelchair if she wants to go to rec room or beauty shop. The hospital did their own xrays and confirmed the nursing home xrays but with a twist. She also has phnuemonia so they can't do the surgery yet. they were very candid about how dangerous this is for her. They are calling in her pulmonary specialist because they are certain she will need to be on a ventilator for surgery. And then after surgery will she be strong enough to be weened off. Lots of what ifs. Already know you guys are thinking hmmm, wonder how Lisa feeling bout all this. All of you know of my life with this woman. So just know I'm fine. It is what it is. I came home last night and was really trying to think of how I'll feel if she dies from this. There's just no emotion. I have a job to do. Doug aunt Rae and myself will do what needs to be done. Aunt Rae had one emotional moment last night thinking this just may be it. She may not pull through this. She explained hers are tears of regret that her sister lived her life in hate and anger and has missed out on so much. Then I apologized that I just couldn't feel anything. My tears were shed as a child and there just aren't any more to give that woman. She just hugged me and said never apologize to me again over your feelings. So we took aunt Rae to dinner and amused everyone around us when the bill came . Doug won. I'm tired friends. Been going non stop and falling into bed every evening exhausted. Now this. Can't believe I actually hit a comfort zone the last year then boom. Here we go again. It's all good. I've had to handle worse. Have a beautiful weekend my angels!!!!
Thank you for bringing us up to date. I'm sorry about your mom, but I sure understand your feelings or lack of feelings in this situation. It's good to know that Diane stepped up and took control. Here's to Aunt Rae for setting her straight!!!!!
I'm holding you close to my heart, Lisa. I hope you can get some rest this weekend. Please give my love to Doug and Aunt Rae. I'm so glad you have Aunt Rae in your life.
Sending love and white light,
Cat
Thank you so much for taking the time to give us an update. Hugs to you and to Doug and to Aunt Rae.
Love, Cat