Can you relate?

Arimethea,

For God's sake, stand up for yourself and stop tolerating your mother's abuse.
Do not play her games or give her complaining a moment of your attention.
Here's what happens in my house when the elder complaining and orneriness about the meal being served.
The plate gets taken away and thrown in the garbage. I don't make anything else. Go hungry.
Learn how to say the words, 'Shut up nobody cares what you think' and walk away. You do this when complaining starts up or some instigating.
As for the demanding of her cocktail. No booze. I would not serve her alcohol anymore. If she wants her cocktail she can get it herself.
Don't play her games and stop asking 'how high?' when she says jump.
You are the one doing for her not the other way around. You create the narrative on how that care will be given and received.

I can't put a price on abuse.

I believe I would say "I've made a poor choice here. Let me talk to a lawyer and figure out my least worst choice."

Then I would leave and go back to a job that doesn't include abuse.

What is my plan to end this…..
That is not a simple answer….
When my ex-husband and I bought a house in Virginia, I patiently waited for my house in NYS to sell.
It finally did. I put $23,000 toward Virginia marital home.
Divorce 4 years later informed me I was not on Virginia deed.
Why….I was not at closing, in NYS caring for my two children, one totally handicapped. Realtor in Virginia NEVER TOLD ME I HAD TO BE AT CLOSING.
Virginia home went into foreclosure during divorce.
At least I did not have that on my record, but……I was out $23,000.
So, I have paid $70,000 out of my account toward Virginia home with Mom. She gave down payment of $6,000.

If I send Mom to nursing home, I will have to sell house.
She has contributed 8% toward home. I have contributed 92%.

However, I would be obligated to give Nursing Home 50% of proceeds of sale.

What would you do?

Yes I can relate:

"You spend more time playing with those chickens than you do with me!"

[thinks: guilt! - yes I probably do...]

Wine in a sippy cup sounds like a great idea!

I may need to try that out - on myself tonight - need a lazy night in.

So, Arimithea, what is your plan to end this?

Put the wine in a sippy cup, no spills. Or at least one of the cups with the tight lid so that if it spills not much will come out. Yeti makes great little "tumblers" that are perfect or the larger ones if you don't want to keep refilling, just put a lot of ice in it to dilute it

Ari,,your comment about the "cocktail" made me laugh,, so sorry! We swore we could set the clock by "wine time". At exactly 5 pm,,, if it was not on its way we got asked.. she would sit in the basement rec room and drink 2 big glasses.. some got spilled,, but they were mostly ice anyway..LOL Better the floor than the couch!

Breathe. Listen to music you like. Plan for a break. Start with 5 mins outside with a cuppa.

Venting here is fine if it helps.
Long term daily & weekly help may be needed?

Oh…..after I brought her supper, 10 minutes later came out, “WHERE IS MY COCKTAIL????”
She wants her wine!!!
TEN MINUTES LATER, came out, “I SPILLED MY GLASS OF WINE ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!”

Sorry folks, I’m done.

New doctor appointment this Wednesday, so I have learned, you have to have a doc in order to discuss the parents dementia. I called agencies, nobody would talk to me…..even to give insight.

If you are doing this alone you must realize that it is impossible.
You need caregiver that can help out.
BOUNDARIES.
Set them and keep them. (tune out what you can, earbuds and or headphones are options as long as it is safe)
The big this is to admit when you can no longer care for someone in your home safely. (safety is not just physical safety but mental/emotional safety as well)
Placing someone in Memory Care is not admitting failure it is accepting the fact that you can not safely care for this person.