Can I have a moment to apologize to my mother?

That is so touching. I am not a believer, but if I am wrong and she is somewhere out there then at this point I think there is a perfect understanding. I have two daughters. I think there is no more difficult relationship to tell the truth. A child needs a perfect parent because a child is totally helpless and dependent. Those of us who have had children know we are far from perfect and have not been perfect parents for certain, and I think there is no relationship that makes us feel such a failure as the failure where our children are concerned. It is hard to ever see that woman who raised us as anything but "mom". Not just an imperfect and flawed human limping along with all the rest of us, but MOM. And it is hard for a Mom to ever accept that their children have grown up, are their own persons, with their own lives. Different from us. I can still remember looking at my daughter, out hiking with her, when she was about 50, and seeing the grey, the lines at her eyes and thinking "Guess I have to accept she is a woman grown". Moms and daughters cannot leave one another's baggage. They try to lug it about with their own. It is heavy. It wears us down. I think as long as we live we learn more and more and more about our parents. Who they were. Why it went the way it did. It's a good thing. Treasure it. It's a gift to keep learning.

Dear Tiger, we had very similar mothers, it seems. My mom was extremely anxious as well (when she wasn’t deeply depressed,) but her upbringing wasn’t ideal, and I don’t think she was shown a lot of affection when she was growing up. She couldn’t pass on what she never got.

But I know she did her best with the hand she was dealt in life.

Mega-hugs to you, Tiger. I do believe in something after this life, and I think it’s a better, more peaceful place.

Very kind & thank you (again;), AlvaDeer.

DizzyB, thanks:), & very true what u said. I now think she did her best.

It does sound like your mother's formative years in her childhood had alot, if not everything to do with how she was later in life - and because of her childhood neglect was unable to provide you with a safe and nourishing environment also. Your mother also has apologising to do to you, but she couldn't and can't because of her circumstances which likely stunted her emotional development because of the neglect she experienced in childhood. We are all limited by our experiences and how much growth we are able to manifest. And the saddest thing is that a person who has been hurt and neglected in childhood tend to hurt and neglect their own children. As an adult understanding things like this - we can understand, but we can't and shouldn't accept the abuse. It sounds like you are doing alot of growing and reflection now in our grief time and part of that is apologising to your mom. I hope this brings you peace. How sad to hear that you felt your mother didn't like you, that's the saddest thing to read - because through the computer you come through as the most loving and kind person deserving of all the love that the world can offer. It's the hardest thing to feel a parent doesn't love you. You deserve love Tiger, all children do.

Thank you for ur kindness Arselle. Perception of mom 'not liking me' spilled into every area of my life. (Like how I married a guy who largely ignored me).

It's pretty much guaranteed to end up with a person who neglects us, because that's what we know, that's how we've been raised, i,e, neglectfully. I'm in the same boat as you Tiger, I was raised very neglectfully and felt father didn't like me; but I'm pretty sure it is a projection of their own self loathing. In reality, I suspect your mother doesn't even know really who you are Tiger, she probably projected how she felt about her self, onto you. There's alot written and on youtube about Childhood Neglect and the effects are enormous to say the least; it is known as an attachment wound. So much comfort can be gotten from understanding how we got the way we did. There is no intention to blame, just understanding. Hugs!

So true Arselle: (about mother likely having projected her own self loathing onto me). It's a weird way to grow up. I'm sorry about ur dad's issues, & yes "attachment wound" is indeed pervasive... Hope u find healing🌈

Thanks Tiger :) it is a very weird way to grow up! Healing day by day! Talking and learning definitely helps!

Before I sign off for the day, I'd like to say that today was very helpful 2me... (but I'd have learned nothing without u guys here.)
💟. God bless. I'm going to lie down, cuz too much reality for this senior lady, lol. See u 2morrow.

Tiger thank you for sharing. It got me thinking, like you, my mother never liked me, she never knew me. And I never knew her...I don't think she ever got to know herself! Like your mom, my mother grew up poor, neglected, and abused! You have shred some light on me and my relationship with my own mother. Maybe she wasn't hating me just "projecting her own self loathing" on to me. It always hurt to know how she babied my brother and left me to fend for myself!

Sounds to me you have forgiven your mom and asked to be forgiven...I am not sure if I will ever get there.

Thank you Tiger and Arselle!
Hugs to both of you!🌈⭐

Thank you Shell, I'm so glad the discussion has helped you see some patterns in your own family. It's seems from your message the same type of situation occurred for you. The "hate' is a projection of their own self loathing, and literally all that they know, because they literally are unable to see the other person (you) in an objective way due to the complete lack of empathy (which allows people to see another person's character and intention as a separate and unique human being). Because of the childhood neglect they experienced, their emotions and personhood could not develop. We have grown up with constant negative messaging about ourselves, which in fact is all about who they are which has come from their neglected childhood. These people often develop narcissistic traits as a defence against the trauma's and develop a fake personality to defend against the hurt. They project the fake personality onto one child (in this case your brother) and their real battered self who they loathe and want to forget, onto another child, the scape goat (you). Some things are unforgiveable, and I don't blame you one bit for not getting to forgiveness! I also think that we have been trained to be the first to apologise and be responsible for everything, so now that's something I put alot of consideration into.

You are so right Arselle. I have always apologize first and worried about her feelings, but she never seems to worry about mine! It is heartbreaking when I think about all the crap she has done to me. I know I was programmed to see to her needs and make sure she was emotionally and physically taken care of and to clean up her messes as well, but now I don't apologize to her for things she has done or if I am just not sorry! In fact, I really don't feel much for her anymore. Yes, I do take care of her in her old bad health dementia state because I do see her as a human being--just not as my mom! I no longer look for her approval nor do I care what she thinks of me...man was that a hard habit to break!

Thank you for taking the time to explain even more to me, it has let me know that 1) I am not alone and 2) it isn't me, that I am not crazy!

Thank you so much!☺

Glad to see u Shell, agree with what u say.
I needed a strong defense system when mother was alive, cud tolerate no emotional connection AT ALL.
My early years were easier cuz I lived far enough away from her 2 not 'feel the vibe', lol.
But caregiving made me nuts due 2 the memories that flooded me. (Probably the charity I have for her now is cuz I know she is dead & I'm safe)!
Can't tell you how great that feeling of "being safe" feels...
(Like somebody has stopped strangling me finally...& I can breathe again). Thanks 2 all💟

Tiger--

You show a lot of love and forgiveness and insight in your post.

True, just as no one will know us for what we truly are and feel--we need to give others that break.

Sadly, some moms/dads are truly unkind and thoughtless individuals. I know, for me, I hope with all my heart to be at peace before my mother dies. I don't know if it's possible.

But bless you for your forthrightness.

Thanks Midkid58. Such a mixed bag of emotions that I'm not used to dealing with...(I really enjoy my denial mostly, lol).
So grateful to you & everyone who replied.
I think you'll know when ur mom's time is short, (as I did). It has a different 'feel', & we get very calm inside. (I like to think it's God's Grace to us, and His strength). Hope ur doing well friend...🌈, stay in touch💟.