Bringing Mama home and making it work.

glad you decided to follow your heart on this . id suggest reading a lot about end of life issues . the situation will be everchanging as your mothers health and possibly mental health decline . with no formal training you can do a better job of caregiving in your home than one could expect at a facility full of halfhearted and poorly paid " professionals " .
my mother died in her own home with her fully in control , my aunt is in nh strongly resenting the loss of her freedom and self determination .
different circumstances obviously require different solutions but the bottom line should be ( if possible ) " what does the elder want ? " .

Gosh.

Get your back-up team on board: your mother's GP, any nursing and allied professionals like PTs and OTs, your friendly local pharmacist, find a dentist who'll do domiciliary visits.

And start asking around your neighbourhood now about which caregiver agencies are professional and reliable and which less so. You may not need them, but you never know - it's not a bad plan to be on friendly terms with people you can call on in a crisis.

And ask at the ALF about respite breaks. You'll get tired, you know, and your profile says your mother did well at the ALF so she can look on it as a kind of busman's holiday. Schedule in regular, proper time off for yourself: it lengthens the tether.

And happy homecoming! May it go well for you.

Is it wrong to want to be compensated monetarily for caring for my elderly mother on a 24hr. basis?

grig67, I think you'll get more responses if you start your own post.

realtime, you sound really well organized. I wish you nothing but success! Expect some setbacks and obstacles, but just keep doing your best.

CM is absolutely right about planning for respite even before she return home. It is an essential part of successful caregiving.

Captain, Countrymouse, Jeanne -- thanks for your encouragement!

Respite is the thing that most concerned me when we were planning this. One friend said I'd feel less tied down if I carved out private space for myself in the house, a place to retreat to. I'll need to sleep downstairs in the bedroom next to Mama's, but plan to use an upstairs bedroom as dressing room/study/private sitting room when Mama's napping or out. I'd like to install some kind of alert system so that I can hear her if she needs me, but because of her good health, a nannycam seems invasive. Any ideas?

Also --- believe it or not! --- at almost 95, my mother still takes an annual vacation out West to visit grandchildren and friends. My brother and his wife take her. So I'll have about three weeks this summer to do my own thing, whatever it may be!

I can see that one key to making something like this work is family involvement. I feel so sorry for those of us on the forum whose siblings are unsupportive or even hostile!

I figure my mother deserves our effort. Here's some "classic Mama." As a teenager I lived in the shadow of my blonde, busty, blue eyed next door neighbor, one year older than I. Her sixteenth birthday approached and she invited me and a third neighbor to her party. "It's informal," she told us, "just wear any old thing." "Kathy" and I innocently recounted the conversation to my mother and speculated about what to wear --- bermudas? My mother briefly looked thoughtful, then bundled us both into the car, headed for the town's lone girls' clothing store
and bought each of us a crisp, pretty, feminine summer cotton dress. (This was the 1950s, folks.) On the night of the birthday we walked together up the steps at our friend's house. She threw the door open --- a blonde, busty, blue-eyed vision in pink taffeta, heels and a corsage of roses --- and exclaimed when she saw us looking pretty, "Oh, but I told you not to dress up!" As icing on the cake, the birthday girl's boyfriend paid a LOT of attention to "Kathy" that evening.

So, Mama deserves something for that, right?

Your mother is a deeply cynical woman, realtime! Correct and wise to the way of the world, but deeply cynical - thank goodness :)

Use a baby monitor for night times. You can keep half an ear open without waking her by switching on the light, and you'd be surprised how alert you are even in your sleep to small unfamiliar sounds that might indicate a problem (you might also find that when she's away you keep waking up because it's "too quiet").

Her regular progress to the West sounds like a lovely routine, but do have a Plan B in case of illness or accident. Suppose for example that your brother couldn't manage to have her for some reason: you'd still feel let down even if you didn't blame him, and that's where things can begin to unravel. Belt, braces and a couple of padlocks...

Countrymouse: you nailed her.

Today I'm face to face with a challenge I knew was coming: dealing with "stuff."

We moved everything out of her bedroom to put down new carpet and the heap of things (in the living room) is mountainous! The carpet is going in right now. Even after the bedroom set goes back in, we'll have to deal with heaps of odds and ends that were jammed into the closet, hundreds of knickknacks and souvenirs, five assorted mismatched chests and tables.... Almost everything should rightly go to a charity --- or even to the dump --- but of course I can't do that to her.

My strategy is to move only the new, smaller bedroom set in, leave the rest of the old stuff where it is, in the living room, and suggest that she decide how to arrange her things in there. I'm hoping that when she sees it all heaped up where it is now, and realizes how it will detract from her new carpet, drapes and bedroom set, she'll suggest "putting it somewhere else." ("Somewhere else" is fine with me, since once it's out of sight, I figure it's on its way to Goodwill.) You know, I "get" the souvenirs and gifts from great-grandkids and such; it's the drawer full of empty gift boxes---the sacks of old Christmas cards---the ancient briefcases and purses all dried out and going to dust! Any suggestions about prying someone loose from the accumulations of so many years?

Aging involves loss. Loss of stuff. Of things we care about. Of friends who die. Of strengths, abilities and freedom. The sooner someone can accept that as part of the process, the better the process will go. So, although I applaud your deeply caring and sensitive methods with "executive decisions" it needs to be quite clear from "day ONE" that YOU are the one making the decisions which keep the whole boat afloat, financially and physically, and she needs to respect you for that, support you in that, and yes, defer to your judgement. So quickly get her used to a reversed equation -- 1-2 things she can decide on, versus the 100 things that you need to decide on, without sabotage or complaining. Also, I made myself crazy, running every time my mother called. In her brief stay at the nursing home, I realized that they didn't answer for 20 minutes or an hour. Don't get her used to calling you every time a thought pops into her head. It only gets worse after that. I suggest setting up a routine right away. A favorite show she gets to watch at the same time every day. An hour to go through and dispose of one bag of old stuff, per day. A hospital bed is a great help in caring for another person. Get her a little dorm refrigerator for her room. That will cut down on snack requests, and provide more independence. I also got a water dispenser from the local bottled water company, for my mother's bedroom, with hot and cold water. She could make tea or instant soup herself, without using the kitchen appliances (dangerous!) Get child's DVD player and child's boom box. As she declines, even the tv remote controls become impossible. Sign up with the local library for in-home delivery. (Called "outreach" usually.) Audiobooks, DVD's, and Large Type books and magazines, they deliver and pick them up. Bless you!

realtime, that is fantastic that your family is all jumping in to help and to update your Mom's home. Oh my gosh that was so good to read :)

Homes built almost 100 years ago tend to have smaller doorways for closets, if your Mom uses a walker, double check to see that it will be easy for her to use... if not, take the door off the closet to get her that extra inch.

Singingway, thanks for the suggestions. Thankfully, Mama has interests --- she reads all the latest thrillers and she adores tending to her potted plants. The challenge will be to get people in to see her. The one thing she enjoys at the ALF is the staff: the CNAs give her a lot of attention. I think a few of the neighbors will probably drop in from time to time, but I'd like to see more constant social activity. Any thoughts on how to encourage a social environment in the home? I guess I just need to invite, invite, invite.

Frequent flyer, yes, getting through doors will be an issue. She mostly walks with a cane, but uses a walker when she's tired. And yes, I'm lucky, and especially, so is Mama, that the family wants to help. Maybe we won't be able to sustain it forever, but if we can work together for even a couple of years, that's a good percentage of the rest of her life.

But my big thing right now is HOW TO GET RID OF STUFF. Singingway, I don't have a lot of leverage with her. I moved into her home, not she into mine. And both of us contribute financially to its upkeep, not just me. So she definitely has a major say in what gets done or doesn't. And it is her stuff.

realtime, it will be a challenge on getting rid of stuff.... for my Mom, "downsizing" is donating one knickknack every year to the hospital rummage sale.... [rolling eyes].

I went to an huge estate sale yesterday to get a feeling for what sells, what doesn't, for what price. It was the end of a three-week sale so the items there were probably the least demanded. And they were so pretty! Lovely vintage glassware, meticulously cut framed sillouettes, so many pretties, so much like my mother's, obviously collected and treasured --- and left to the last in the estate sale, probably to be sold in bulk for almost nothing or sent to Goodwill. Estate sales break my heart. Things that mattered to someone, now mattering to no one. I look around Mama's house and imagine all her pretty things abandoned, their histories lost. My kids collect sixties kitsch. Their kids like nineties kitsch. Fashions in kitsch change.

My nephew has been here for three weeks helping so much. I'll miss him when he leaves today. Bless him: he has been visiting the neighbors, reminding them who he is, that he lived here as a child, that he played with their children --- and telling them that Mama is coming home next week, and inviting them to visit her. I do hope they come! It will make such a difference to her if she can look forward to drop-ins. My folks used to spend most of the day at the kitchen table, which faces the road; they opened the curtains when they were "receiving" and people dropped in for coffee. This is a tiny community --- maybe 1000 people altogether, and only a couple of dozen in our corner of the settlement --- so he has certainly got the word out.

Our deck garden is a success. I wanted Mama to have a reason to get out of bed. Before she came home on the 30th, my nephew repaired and re-stained the deck. A dear neighbor who had cared for Mama's house plants for three years brought them back, so we had ready-made landscaping. And I planted some annuals to brighten things up. My mother has been champing at the bit to get out there and start repotting. Today we're going to buy more potting soil and more flowering begonias and she's planning to get to work! I'm so pleased that this idea got her moving.

Thanks for the update. I'm glad things are going well.

Perhaps one of the neighbors would care to play cards? My mom has several friends that still get together once a week to play UNO. ( They are all 90 or older. ) The cards gives them something to do together and look forward too. UNO is easy and no one really cares who wins.

Perhaps there is a local garden club that might drop in on your mom and talk flowers or a local 4H group that could use some pointers on planting and flower gardens.

We have found that the area senior center is a good place to connect to others. Often they have activities and crafts etc to do.

Perhaps your local faith community can suggest some volunteers to visit and cheer your mom.

Glad you are trying this and giving your mom a chance.

Glasshalffull, thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep trying until I hit on what works with her. I can tell she's getting bored, because yesterday all of a sudden she started to obsess over a pain in her elbow. Obsessions over minor ailments were a real problem a few years ago. Yesterday I invited a neighbor to drop by --- bad idea. The neighbor simply assumed Mama was unhappy (she isn't) and started pitching her special brand of religion as a solution. Mama finds such situations embarrassing and invasive, but hates to offend anyone or hurt their feelings. I can see I'll have to deal with this. My bad.

It's such a challenge to clear the decks in this house. It's jammed, cluttered, dusty....Does anyone have any suggestions about how to convince my mother to prune out her wardrobe? She has clothes going back 30 or 40 years, none of exceptionally good quality, and almost all of them WAY TOO BIG. She's a size 6 --- maybe a few 8s fit because she has broad shoulders---but most of the clothes she owns are 10 and 12s. It would be wonderful if all the closets, chests, etc., jammed with clothes were available to store other things! (Like the 50-odd pillow cases, 7 vacuum cleaners, 6 cubic feet of party favors and fast food giveaways, etc.) (Yes, I'm working on getting rid of those, too.) My present plan is to wait until she goes on vacation this summer with my brother's family and power through the house bagging stuff for Goodwill or the dump, hope she never notices, and play dumb if she does. Any better suggestions?

We just had our first dust-up --- and Mama won.

We live in a semi-rural area, on a heavily wooded acre with lots of birds and squirrels. Mama has always worried about the squirrels --- did they have enough to eat? Every winter she bought several gallons of pecans and had my father climb a ladder to hang pails of nuts in the trees. And, I learned today, she provided water for them, in a pan next to the birdbath in the back yard.

Last week, I had the yard cleaned up, including the dense thicket around the old birdbath. She looked at the recovered flower bed for awhile this afternoon and then asked me to go out and fill the birdbath with water for the birds and a pan with water for the squirrels. I protested: the mosquitoes, already bad enough, would breed there. Not if I changed the water every day, she said. Mama, I said, I'm just not going to go out every day and water the squirrels. But they'll be thirsty! she said. They managed before, I said. All right, she said, she would do it. She would enjoy doing it. She would water them daily. This is a woman who trundles around on a walker or a cane and has fallen punctually at least once a month for years.

So I went out and filled the birdbath and found a pan for the squirrels. I want to scream, but I'm not sure whether to scream at the plain silliness of her worrying about the damned squirrels or at the way she manipulated me. I wish somebody would talk me down.

My FIL is thrilled the peonies are blooming despite the frost, and that the apricot tree is loaded. We'll get the apricots picked and made into jam for him, and I'll take photos of the peonies. Why is this noteworthy? Because it's familiar joys in the midst of all the flux of aging and unwanted but inevitable changes. You're a good sport to have done it.

Your mom fussing about the squirrels' well being gives her purpose and joy and a smidgen of familiar in a sea of changes.

Thanks, Linda. What a lovely comment. You're so right. She actually said that she wanted some things at least to be the way they used to be. I've been moving so, so slowly on getting the place in shape, but I guess any change at all is unsettling. I probably shouldn't talk as much about the things still to be done---maybe it sets up uneasy thoughts about whether she'll like it or not---but just quietly let them happen.

I have a ground level birdbath that needs a cleaning and fresh water. Love watching the robins splash about and the squirrels drinking. My sig other said he would clean it two weeks ago.... even with reminders he still hasn't taken care of it. Guess I will need to go out there and do it myself broken shoulder and all. One of life's simple pleasures that cost very little :)

Frequent Flyer, You and Linda have given me the perspective I needed. I was being a brat. Mama has lost so much --- agility, strength, beauty, my father --- she's entitled to a little silliness over her squirrels. And I can water the damned squirrels when I go out to get the newspaper.

real, you weren't being a brat - you're juggling so many things, trying not to upset your mom with the changes, you've put in the extra effort to enable her to keep gardening and you're coordinating a lot of wonderful family in their efforts. Sometimes that last little "to do" just looks exhausting. It's wonderful to see what you all are doing as a family.

Real, you are NOT being a brat! You were being a rational human being who realises that the squirrels will cope perfectly well and there are drawbacks to having stagnant water near the house… But I really like Linda's perspective :) Humour her on the squirrels, secure in the knowledge that they will spurn your water because as every four-footed creature knows muddy puddles are much much tastier.

More than a month later and I see a problem peeking over the horizon. It's my sister-in-law. My brother is a sweetie, married to a termagant who screeches and scolds when she's angry, pinches pennies and just plain despises me. When I moved in I brought many of my own household items (others are in storage) including some nice antiques, pricy paintings, antique china and silver. I'm imagining a future, when we're liquidating Mama's estate, when SIL lays claim to half the value of my things on behalf of my brother. He'll stand up for me, but she'll make life miserable for him. Any suggestions on how to clarify/document what things in the house belong to me?

Real, take pictures of each of your items that you care about. If you can, label them with avery labelmaker unless it will damage the piece (great investment if you don't have one - you can even order online and they will ship one to you). Write down a description of what it is, where it is located in home, when you purchased it or it was given to you (in art circles, this is called a provenance). Locate receipts if you have them. Put together a notebook with these listed. You would need to have them if you had an insurance claim anyway - and if these items are valuable, you might need to have a separate policy to insure them (frequently art or jewelry or collections are limited by homeowner's insurance). A separate insurance policy on your items that has your name on it would also support a claim that these are your items, currently residing in your Mama's home with you. A great comment back when settling my mother's estate was that items that we each gave Mom were returned to giver, items that had family history were taken in turns with equal value per turn, and common items were liquidated and split. Pictures, list of what you brought, receipts, and a separate policy (as if you were a renter, your insurance agent should be able to help you) will support your ownership. Good luck!

Thanks, guestshopadmin. I particularly like the suggestion about insurance --- the house is vulnerable to hurricane winds, falling trees, water, and I should do that anyway. Of course, this is part of a bigger issue --- how to interact with my SIL. The poor woman lives in a zero-sum world: anything anyone else has or gets --- things, love, recognition, a particular parking space --- is something taken from her. She seethes with anxiety and any perceived slight can send her into a sustained tantrum, usually directed at my long-suffering brother.

Back to the squirrels. My problem (watering the squirrels daily) may be over. A trio of striped owls have moved into the wooded lot next door. Every evening they swoop over to our yard where they can perch in trees and get a clear line of sight on mice, lizards, frogs on our lawn --- and late-foraging squirrels. They're beautiful, impressive creatures --- wing spans of at least two feet --- and wonderful to watch. Mama is enchanted with them, seizing her binoculars when they appear. But she hasn't yet seen them hunting successfully. A few nights ago one flew past with a squirrel dangling from its talons. I don't know what she'll expect me to do if she realizes they're eating her squirrels!