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My 3 siblings have for the most part been MIA for my 2 parents.. both with dementia..and I have been caring for them in varying degrees for the last 7 years or so. So... no calls, no cards, no check ins to see how they are.. no help when they were in the hospital..


Until.....My Dad recently passed last week.. and suddenly they are all over the place.. all over me... wanting to see my POA, wanting to see what attorney it was from, the financials, the medication my mom is on, wanting to take my poor stressed and confused mom on long trips, wanting to move my mom, blaming me on my Dad's death since I put him on hospice, wanting to harass the memory care about the state of mom's health.. etc. etc. etc .


So they were here for almost 2 weeks and they wanted to do all of the above.. however.. I was the one spending nights with mom after dad passed.. I was the one there in the wee hours with her and dad till he passed. They were all gathered having "family time" in dad's room.. where they all came at once to hug each other and cry profusely.. which scared my mom.


How I long for the days they were uninvolved.. I used to dream that they would become involved.. and care .. about them and about me.. but it seems like they are involved out of their own guilt.. they were not there all those years when they are needed.. now they want to feel important. They were excluding me and making feel unwelcome in my own father's room where he lay dying.


It's like I am dealing with the death of my father alone.. and at the same time trying to fight off these enemies.. these people who should care and love me.. it's almost surreal.


They are always coming up with some scheme with my mom.. the latest is my sister wants to take my mom out of the memory care and drive her 12 hours away for a "vacation trip" for a week.. My poor, confused, traumatized mom.. can you imagine?


They are finally out of town.. but who knows what else is going to come up. I am really fearing when my Mom passes.. not sure I will be able to handle it..


This is just a rant.. I feel better getting it out...

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I think there are a couple of reasons my MIA siblings (really my 2 sisters) are coming out of the woodwork... one I think is trying to get over their guilt for really not caring much all these years.. the other is.. could be.. looking for the payout $$$.

My brother was trying to stay neutral but he really seemed to hang out with the 2 MIA sisters and was more supportive of them when they were in town.. and mildly supportive of me. I think he is now seeing what snakes they are .. as they are back home now and MIA again.. and not communicating with him.

He has been telling me all the conversations they had.. the 3 of them.. saying mom didn't really have dementia..wanting to take mom out of memory care and share her between the sibs.. pack her up and send her from house to house.. and we all live a large distance from each other ... They have no idea..if it weren't so sad it would be humorous.
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Are they suddenly "coming out of the woodwork" in hopes to get a morsel ($$$$)?
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This forum makes me feel like everyone is reading my mind and posting my thoughts!!! I LOVE it and once my daily anger subsidies I will post my raw emotions about being treated like **** by my MIA sister!!!
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(Warning: long note!)
You might appreciate this: my sister comes by once a week for 10 minutes. She takes her to all her medical appointments, except for things like physical therapy and these monthly eye injections. For those, she comes for the first visit, so they know who she is, them mid ways. She takes pictures and puts them on Facebook. Everyone thinks I'M so fortunate to have such a supportive sister!
Meanwhile, i've been there for the overnight hospital and ER stays, on my hands/ knees to clean profuce diarrhea from carpet, etc.
How am I thanked? I had an appointment and asked her to take Mom to doc (NOT her usual one)for a new rash. She found out -- which means SHE brought this up -- that Mom has gained a good bit of weight since I moved in two years ago. (True! 10 after starting starving herself at nursing home for 2 months, 10 from severe constipation when she quit moving around and arguing about water intake. ) I'd ALREADY addressed this issue TWO WEEKS earlier with her doctor!
My sister jumped me over this. But before this, she'd say Let her eat what she wants, would bring cookies, ham, candy, etc., including a few days prior to her telling ME not to give her desserts!
I told her I rarely buy snacks, etc. She replied to get rid of the cookie jars. I told her those cookies were the ones SHE brought, and she hadn't been eating them! But visitors do bring treats, and it's Easter time! (I also told her that the doc recommended letting Mom enjoy getting these treats, but HIDE them so they're given in moderation.)
Don't get me wrong. I've been making changes, like having her do chair exercises since she won't walk, etc. But it didn't come from sister's lecture. She did that so she could tell everyone that she had to lecture me, and that's why she's doing better!

Meanwhile, my 10- minute-per-week sister has POA. 😔
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I personally believe an un-involved sibling is best. If they had sincere motives, they would have been involved earlier and would be supportive of your role now - not wreaking havoc. Is there some way you can prevent them from travelling with your mother, such as getting a doctor's statement and showing it to them? Or, can you delay it to a point where they eventually just lose interest? I hope they return to their lives and resume their prior position of distance. I can only suggest to not succumb to their aggressive tactics and keep things as you have been doing. Do not change any POA. You can change the locks on the house so they don't show up by surprise. You can limit details you tell them about your mother. Look for support from anyone other than your siblings. It seems like you have done fine without them.
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I believe it's a combination of two things:

1) Your siblings feel a certain amount of guilt.
2) They are like vultures, circling around while "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so they can get their inheritance expeditiously (if there will be such).
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As is too often the case - the ones who do the least are the first in line with their hands out for inheritance. Even if there is no money involved (very expensive to care for elders) they don't know that. Asking for POA (after all this time) makes them look like they are fishing for money, etc. Alert memory care to the fact you have POA (give them copy) that way if others just "show up" they won't even get access without your permission. Agree with others here - offer to make a schedule - I'll take this month, you take next month and "Susie" can take the next and rotate staying with Mom to keep her company. Or "if you are working, busy, etc." you can pay a caregiver to do your time. Watch how fast they run!
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First you don't have to share diddly squat with them - you have POA not them - for mom's sake do not let any of them take mom out of province/state as they could refuse to return her & it seems that they are clueless about her needs

Your sibs are feeling guilt & so are throwing their weight around - best way to shut them up is to ask [document this] for a 'volunteer' to stay with mom so that you can go on vacation ... they will backpedal at the speed of light -

Word an email to them all that 'I am so pleased that you have reconnected with mom.   After 7 years I now find I need a break so can you come for 2 weeks to be with mom.' ...... they will all have excuses but in case 1 of them ponies up say their dates don't match if you don't want to leave mom to their tender mercies

Document answers so if they cause problems later you have their own words to shut them up - copy yourself on all of this - good luck
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Then know this: the next time they show will be the time for you to blow up at them. Make it known what their inability to cope, care or be bothered did to your mother. Then make them leave. Call the police if you have to. Family pulling this stunt is unacceptable. Their fake, entitled and selfish for what they've done to you. Make that known to them.
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You have the POA and so you have control. Yes, they may feel guilty and be trying to compensate, or they may be trying to gain control of whatever estate is left. It does not matter, you don't have to get in the rowboat with whatever crazy thing they want. It does not matter at all what they want. What you want for your mother is what is important. You know what is best for her. You can control access to your mother so if you feel it is not in her best interest to go out with them, or for all of them to descent at once, you can say No! You might be feeling guilty for thinking about refusing access but they gave up the right to be involved when they did not show up to help or even visit for the past years. It is sometimes very daunting to realize you are making these decisions alone for your loved one; I know I have had some sleepless nights wondering if what we were doing was the best thing. Just go with what your gut tells you is the best decision and don't worry about your sibs. Does not seem like the relationship you have with them is something you would miss.
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Let's hope for them- and you- the old adage, "out of sight, out of mind" holds true. Once they're back to their normal lives, hopefully they'll forget about you again.

And if they don't I've found that there is no reasoning with unreasonable people... you can only control your actions and words, so take care of yourself and mom by giving these people as little information as possible. Or by ignoring their questions altogether if you can get away with it.

I hope you find time to breathe and grieve for your dad.
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If you feel it in your Mom's best interest to talk to an elder abuse attorney and get a restraining order against them. Period
(3)
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Wow what selfish and uncaring siblings! And clueless, I might add!
Have you thought about telling them exactly how you feel? Why bother worrying how they will receive it as they sure aren’t worried about your feelings.
I think you could get the director of the MC to intervene on your mom's behalf or her physician to put a stop to this ridiculous trip.
After all this dies down and they leave you alone with mom, ask your therapist about her thoughts on sending a letter to your sibs outlining what you’ve told us. I think they need to know what’s in your heart.
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I understand you completely.

You just lost lost a pillar in your family and now you feel like you are symbolically losing your siblings. It feels like too much loss to bear.

With regard to your siblings, you are only losing the myth of who you hoped your siblings should have been, but aren’t.

Focus on helping your mom cope with her loss. She needs you now more than ever. Also, you need time for yourself, to grieve.

Change your our focus away from those ungrateful siblings.

Eventually, after their guilt dies down, your siblings should revert back to their previous, unhelpful state.

Then you can decide whether you want to allow further sibling interactions.
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Yes.. I do have a therapist..however I have not gotten to the point of saying there is nothing they can say that will hurt me.

If you have any pointers or encouragement.. I'm listening.
(5)
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Katie, twisted sibs can make a difficult job nearly impossible. I know. Do you have a support network? Caregiver support meetings? A therapist? Those people and us here can offer encouragement to help you in developing an attitude that there is nothing they can say or do that will hurt you.

Going through this with my twisted sissies I was able to get to the point of rolling my eyes and saying to myself, "here we go again".
(5)
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Katiekay,
I’m so sorry your siblings are putting you on an emotional roller coaster.
You are right, sometimes it is better if you just do it yourself.

Take comfort, however, because they KNOW who took care of their folks for the last 7 years-all alone. They know they were uninvolved and probably feel guilty.

Quit listening to them and don’t take anything they say to heart.
Feel proud that you did a good job all alone for a long time. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.
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