My 3 siblings have for the most part been MIA for my 2 parents.. both with dementia..and I have been caring for them in varying degrees for the last 7 years or so. So... no calls, no cards, no check ins to see how they are.. no help when they were in the hospital..
Until.....My Dad recently passed last week.. and suddenly they are all over the place.. all over me... wanting to see my POA, wanting to see what attorney it was from, the financials, the medication my mom is on, wanting to take my poor stressed and confused mom on long trips, wanting to move my mom, blaming me on my Dad's death since I put him on hospice, wanting to harass the memory care about the state of mom's health.. etc. etc. etc .
So they were here for almost 2 weeks and they wanted to do all of the above.. however.. I was the one spending nights with mom after dad passed.. I was the one there in the wee hours with her and dad till he passed. They were all gathered having "family time" in dad's room.. where they all came at once to hug each other and cry profusely.. which scared my mom.
How I long for the days they were uninvolved.. I used to dream that they would become involved.. and care .. about them and about me.. but it seems like they are involved out of their own guilt.. they were not there all those years when they are needed.. now they want to feel important. They were excluding me and making feel unwelcome in my own father's room where he lay dying.
It's like I am dealing with the death of my father alone.. and at the same time trying to fight off these enemies.. these people who should care and love me.. it's almost surreal.
They are always coming up with some scheme with my mom.. the latest is my sister wants to take my mom out of the memory care and drive her 12 hours away for a "vacation trip" for a week.. My poor, confused, traumatized mom.. can you imagine?
They are finally out of town.. but who knows what else is going to come up. I am really fearing when my Mom passes.. not sure I will be able to handle it..
This is just a rant.. I feel better getting it out...
My brother was trying to stay neutral but he really seemed to hang out with the 2 MIA sisters and was more supportive of them when they were in town.. and mildly supportive of me. I think he is now seeing what snakes they are .. as they are back home now and MIA again.. and not communicating with him.
He has been telling me all the conversations they had.. the 3 of them.. saying mom didn't really have dementia..wanting to take mom out of memory care and share her between the sibs.. pack her up and send her from house to house.. and we all live a large distance from each other ... They have no idea..if it weren't so sad it would be humorous.
You might appreciate this: my sister comes by once a week for 10 minutes. She takes her to all her medical appointments, except for things like physical therapy and these monthly eye injections. For those, she comes for the first visit, so they know who she is, them mid ways. She takes pictures and puts them on Facebook. Everyone thinks I'M so fortunate to have such a supportive sister!
Meanwhile, i've been there for the overnight hospital and ER stays, on my hands/ knees to clean profuce diarrhea from carpet, etc.
How am I thanked? I had an appointment and asked her to take Mom to doc (NOT her usual one)for a new rash. She found out -- which means SHE brought this up -- that Mom has gained a good bit of weight since I moved in two years ago. (True! 10 after starting starving herself at nursing home for 2 months, 10 from severe constipation when she quit moving around and arguing about water intake. ) I'd ALREADY addressed this issue TWO WEEKS earlier with her doctor!
My sister jumped me over this. But before this, she'd say Let her eat what she wants, would bring cookies, ham, candy, etc., including a few days prior to her telling ME not to give her desserts!
I told her I rarely buy snacks, etc. She replied to get rid of the cookie jars. I told her those cookies were the ones SHE brought, and she hadn't been eating them! But visitors do bring treats, and it's Easter time! (I also told her that the doc recommended letting Mom enjoy getting these treats, but HIDE them so they're given in moderation.)
Don't get me wrong. I've been making changes, like having her do chair exercises since she won't walk, etc. But it didn't come from sister's lecture. She did that so she could tell everyone that she had to lecture me, and that's why she's doing better!
Meanwhile, my 10- minute-per-week sister has POA. 😔
1) Your siblings feel a certain amount of guilt.
2) They are like vultures, circling around while "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so they can get their inheritance expeditiously (if there will be such).
Your sibs are feeling guilt & so are throwing their weight around - best way to shut them up is to ask [document this] for a 'volunteer' to stay with mom so that you can go on vacation ... they will backpedal at the speed of light -
Word an email to them all that 'I am so pleased that you have reconnected with mom. After 7 years I now find I need a break so can you come for 2 weeks to be with mom.' ...... they will all have excuses but in case 1 of them ponies up say their dates don't match if you don't want to leave mom to their tender mercies
Document answers so if they cause problems later you have their own words to shut them up - copy yourself on all of this - good luck
And if they don't I've found that there is no reasoning with unreasonable people... you can only control your actions and words, so take care of yourself and mom by giving these people as little information as possible. Or by ignoring their questions altogether if you can get away with it.
I hope you find time to breathe and grieve for your dad.
Have you thought about telling them exactly how you feel? Why bother worrying how they will receive it as they sure aren’t worried about your feelings.
I think you could get the director of the MC to intervene on your mom's behalf or her physician to put a stop to this ridiculous trip.
After all this dies down and they leave you alone with mom, ask your therapist about her thoughts on sending a letter to your sibs outlining what you’ve told us. I think they need to know what’s in your heart.
You just lost lost a pillar in your family and now you feel like you are symbolically losing your siblings. It feels like too much loss to bear.
With regard to your siblings, you are only losing the myth of who you hoped your siblings should have been, but aren’t.
Focus on helping your mom cope with her loss. She needs you now more than ever. Also, you need time for yourself, to grieve.
Change your our focus away from those ungrateful siblings.
Eventually, after their guilt dies down, your siblings should revert back to their previous, unhelpful state.
Then you can decide whether you want to allow further sibling interactions.
If you have any pointers or encouragement.. I'm listening.
Going through this with my twisted sissies I was able to get to the point of rolling my eyes and saying to myself, "here we go again".
I’m so sorry your siblings are putting you on an emotional roller coaster.
You are right, sometimes it is better if you just do it yourself.
Take comfort, however, because they KNOW who took care of their folks for the last 7 years-all alone. They know they were uninvolved and probably feel guilty.
Quit listening to them and don’t take anything they say to heart.
Feel proud that you did a good job all alone for a long time. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.