Asking for prayers from all of the forum members that pray.

Update: so yesterday I wasn't getting any information, had not been able to get my mom to answer the phone since Thursday and no return phone calls from the hospital.

I finally reached someone that was able to tell me that I am no longer an emergency contact and I have to have a security code to access any of her medical information.

I had that person go to my mom's room and get her to answer the phone.

She did this. She cut my flow of information off.

I know she did this because I will NOT let her move into my house, nor will I move there to be her caregiver.

She has always had the attitude that you do it her way or she will punish you. She doesn't realize that her punishment only hurts her.

Her friends daughter is freaking out because she is being manipulated by her mom and my mom to step up and help. She works full-time, takes care of her parents and has my mom's dogs, she doesn't have the time to do the things I was preparing to do for my mom's care. She is mad that my mom won't accept the help I can give, all or nothing for my mom. Okay, nothing it is, because all isn't even an option with me.

Please keep her in your prayers. She could do a multitude of things that are a detriment to herself, just to be spiteful.

Thank you all for all the support.

Alva, that's where I am at. No news is good news.

I think that her friend understands now and knows that I'm not the monster my mom has portrayed me to be.

I am not without compassion for her. I imagine this is very scary and I truly pray that she regains a quality of life that is worth living. I hope that she learns to be alone with herself and find a path forward. I pray she learns that others should be treated kindly and not belittled with every word, mostly I pray that she has an Epiphany that this isn't it.

I believe that I will be led to whatever I am called to do and that it will be for her good.

Hospital may not give you any info without POA and stuff. May be just as well. You know how she's feeling and what she's eating and this point assume she is doing well unless they let you know she isn't. I am relieved she's better, and I am hoping you can soon get on with your own life. She's of an age, so I guess anything can happen, and likely any time, but it is sure looking like she's dodged this bullet, which is great news.

No news again today. I called the hospital at 5am and the nurse would only tell me that she had rested well. Good to know, I think.

Her friend and I talked at length today. I think there was an understanding reached that my mom is free to choose whatever she wants, that DOES NOT obligate me to follow, it doesn't obligate her to follow. If she doesn't want her to move in, tell her, I WILL NOT be pulled into anything that is between them or makes me look like a solution.

I explained that I have been asking her what her plan is since her husband got very sick 11 years ago, I offered to pay for her end of life documents and she refused to make a plan, which is a plan to fail, she told me she had done POAs and it was them she chose. Which, turns out was only said to shut me up. How's that working out for you mom?

I made in clear that I will not be coming up without information. I'm not spending 3 to 5 hundred dollars a day to visit the hospital.

I made it clear how to find a senior placement specialist and that my mom has all the decision making powers, period.

I pointed out that my mom is asking this HUGE thing before she has even been released from the hospital, hasn't had any rehab and lied about being told she couldn't live alone, she doesn't want too, for the absolute maximum sympathy effect. It is a manipulation tactic. I'm not being manipulated by the obvious attempt. Gonna have to do better then that.

Oh, and I made it clear that any assets she owns can not be transferred or she will incur a Medicaid penalty and that would obligate them to giving her a home. They want her trailer when she dies or before.

I will NEVER be her POA, that bridge was burned by her and I am not rebuilding it and she won't even try.

I will check out rehab and board and care facilities for her, if she asks, otherwise, I have tons going on and I can't leave just because.

Oh, her friend told me that the oncologist told her that they removed the mass and got it all, according to the biopsy on the margins. Nothing about the lesions on her liver, who knows for sure? Not me!

My mom is a bullheadedness, know it all and she will do it her way, no matter what. That is her decision, my decision is to keep strong boundaries, deal with this as I do everything, get information and form a plan. If I don't get informed, I can't create a plan to go help, so I stay home and tend to my life.

Sad but, choices have consequences.

Again, I truly appreciate everyone that has offered support. It's good to have others that have walked the path helping. Thank you all!

RR, I am hoping you are not her POA, and you don't BECOME her POA. You will be familiar with my advice to others. Let the Social Workers and her State take on her care. You may want to call Social Services if you have any "standing" to do so, or you may want to suggest to her MD, or her "friends" (who will have to learn to open their mouths on their own) or your Mom herself that they need to contact social services. Please don't get sucked into this.
EMBRACE your "bad daughter" status. Quite honestly once you just tell people you have tried a lifetime to get along with someone and now recognize you are not physically nor mentally able to deal with them it is SUCH A RELIEF. You are free.
I think we can say Mom is thriving. Our prayers are answered!

Itrr, I'm hoping no calls from the hospital is good news! If things were going south, they would be in touch.

So, the flying monkeys are coming out!

She'll go to a rehab she chooses with the help of her friends and discharge planning at the hospital. And then she will have to figure of what her SS and Medicaid will pay for in terms of a ltc facility.

No return phone calls from the hospital today. Don't know if it is her or them being super busy.

Her friend texted that she is looking better and asking about moving in with them. Her friend is texting me with the cost of ALs she knows about, how little my mom has and saying she doesn't want to tell my mom that she can't live with them. So, apparently I am suppose to be the answer so they don't have to be honest. Hahaha! She obviously didn't get the memo about what a no good daughter I am. I own it! What a great way to get out of being her solution, just owning what she has said about me. Win-win, I can validate her by saying she's right, I'm a rotten daughter and I don't have to move her in, because I'm a rotten daughter, it's good to know where you stand.

I saw this coming, I just expected it to start after she went to rehab. Then again, she didn't ask me, it's her friend trying to get out of saying no. Sorry, I believed you when you showed me who you were. They will either tell her no or have a new housemate all by their lonesome.

Thanks for your updates, RR. It helps us to keep you in thoughts, hearts and minds as we follow your journey in this.
I think you are handling this absolutely spot on perfect. You know your mom well and you have learned the hard way; you aren't open to manipulation and self- doubt that keeps you confused and impotent.
No, if it is 8 days after surgery it sounds like it is good time for the food. And I understand now what the RN meant by she is having stools so the bowel is on the move; they are likely hearing good roaring bowel sounds when they listen with a stethoscope; they will know how and when to give the solids and what to watch and listen for (they monitor for bloat, for no bowel sounds, for nausea. They will in fact not want to overmedicate Mom for pain as they need her to cooperate, to deep breathe, to walk with them, to keep the bowel awake and active. So she can expect a bit of pain and you may need to remind her that life's FULL of it (pain that is).
She sounds strong as you are in her own way. Not easy to get along with, but strong. My favorite patients were often those that would do anything to "get me", even using their canes to threaten. They were lively, stubborn and engaged, and they usually got well quick.
This sounds to be going so well I am almost afraid to hope, to relax. I sure hope the good news continues. And were I you I would just SIT TIGHT and send a HUGE bouquet and pretty cards. But that's me. I sure support your doing what your own gut tells you. I love that picture of the BS flag suddenly popping up.

ITRR
Sometimes it helps me to consider life events metaphysically. Your mom has friends who are resting up while she is in care and who did (eventually)let you know she was ill. Her medical needs for now are being looked after and you are comforted by your faith. A lot is going right.
Your dear friend has passed and as you mourn that loss you are given an acute awareness of your vulnerable mom. I relate to that as I have lost “almost” all of my elder guides and way-showers. Sometimes I feel on the front lines. Not in a negative way. Just in acknowledgment and wonder of the cycle of life progressing.
Regardless of all real and perceived issues, she is your mom.
We only have the one though we often find the bits missing in others. The work you have done on that is apparent and you are not likely to abandon your protection. You are strong.
Keep us updated. We all really do care.

ITRR, just read your update, we may not know each other but I’m still proud of you for caring for mom while still protecting yourself. You’re a wise caregiver to know the situation so well and how to navigate it all. Prayers continue for both you and mom

Sending you strength!

Prayers for you to be comforted ITTR.

wishing you well, itrr!!
huggggs.

ITRR: Just sending you hugs tonight.💜💜

itrr - You've got this! You have a very good understanding of your mother's dynamics. I am glad she is out of pain and progressing well. I understand that her account may (will?) not be accurate. Been there. I know things can get very convoluted, but you have a clear and realistic mind. You are being sure to look after yourself in this too as you should. I did travel down for some of mother's medical events but not for all. When she had her second hip replacement she simply wanted an audience. She had more than adequate care without me. I didn't go. I knew her agenda was to discharge herself from rehab early and for me to stay with her and look after her. Didn't happen and she was fine. I know you will make the right decisions. (((((hugs))) to you

Barb, I pray I will know the right thing.

Alva, the nurse said that her clear liquid diet was being changed because she had a bm yesterday, 8 days after surgery. Is that to soon?

I honestly have no idea the trajectory of this issue. The information I have is from the nurses and the PCP/GP that are treating her in the hospital. Are they completely incompetent? Possibly but, I believe The Lord has moved on the scene and that makes for miracles.

You could not be more on target with her trying to get me in her sphere to work on me. I am always aware of that purpose in everything she does. :-( I won't believe anything she tells me about the medical issue, I have to hear it from a professional or it's her trying to work me.

When I spoke with her earlier she told me that they left her in a feces filled depends for hours and that they weren't doing anything for her pain, when I said I will talk to the nurse she immediately said not to. Red flag on the BS meter went full sail.

She seriously thinks she can get around my boundaries. It is kinda sad to watch the depths she will sink to trying to do this.

What she doesn't ever get, just be honest and sincere and say what you mean and mean what you say and things could be different. I know she will only change if she wants it but, I am not moving my boundaries, even if she did, it would have to stick for a long time before I trusted it.

I love my mom but, I am a grown woman with my own life. I can not take responsibility for her choices, I can not get sucked into her quagmire, I worked far to hard for my life and boundaries to let anyone destroy them or me.

Oops, almost forgot again, I am 450 miles away, it is a 9 hour drive. I could fly but, that means I can't leave at the drop of a hat and I never see her without that option.

RR, I would not travel to her (again, how far will you have to go?) if she will not allow the MD to speak to you. That would make me HIGHLY suspicious. It would mean you are getting HER version of stuff, and not the professionals. At this point, from what you say of her tendencies to manipulate, I am afraid she is just trying to get you into her sphere so she can try to work you; she's likely into the disruption.
I know it's just what I personally would do, but I would sit tight a while. This is like no other perforated bowel I ever heard of (tho there's lots I haven't heard of to be certain). The RN telling you she had a stool so she is eating? Stools are mostly made up of bacteria. We often have them when we haven't eaten for days. Surely the RN knows whether she is eating or not. And again, to me, just offhand hearing this, it seems early.
I will leave it to you. Just sticking my 2 cents in. You know me!

Good news! The latest culture shows no growth.

God is good!

Itrr, your mother's self-created morass is very sad indeed.

You will do the right thing, I have no doubt!

ITRR,

I adored my grandfather. He was larger than life to me.

One of my favorite things to do with my grandfather was gardening. He taught me a lot of things about life in his beautiful garden.

Of course, I was young and a lot of what he said went right over my head. Still, I think he knew that one day I would understand what he was saying.

One thing that he said to me was, “Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you what you are like.” Ahhhhh, so true. My grandfather would have liked you very much. He believed the very same thing that you do.

Alva, the nurse said she was getting nutrition because she had a bm.

They are impressed with her progress. I could have told them she was to mean to die from this.

I don't know if she is totally out of the woods yet, they are hesitant to commit to much, which leads me to believe she isn't but, progress and that's a good thing.

Awaiting a call from the doctor unless she puts a stop to it, which is entirely possible with her.

Need, I think they should have called too, because it was so serious. I can understand not calling for something minor, kinda.

They shared some stories with me that my mom had told them, gee whiz that woman missed her calling, she could of been a fiction writer.

The crazy thing about them believing these stories is that they have seen me visit for decades, 2021 they watched her dogs while I took her on vacation and they never stopped to question why she would go with me considering all the stories. However, I know they are her friends and the saying "birds of a feather, flock together " explains some things.

It is a sad situation when you want to be there for someone but, history has proven time and again that you better protect your back and be prepared for the totally unexpected response to your kindness. Boundaries is the word always with these personalities!

(((hugs ITRR))))

ITRR,

I still think that they should have called you. I suppose since they are only one side of the story, they got sucked into believing everything that your mom is telling them.

There’s always more than one side to a story. It’s a shame that they aren’t more open minded.

I bet the hospital staff are able to see a more accurate picture of your mom’s situation since you have been in contact with them.

Alva, I understand that they may not be entirely to blame, my mom has told them stories about how she has been victimized by her family. I know they were doing what their friend wanted, I just operate so very differently then my mom and her friends. I don't jump because of emotion and they use it to try and manipulate.

The story is that my mom couldn't get out of bed from Thursday to Tuesday, when she was finally able to fall out and crawl to the phone and call 911. That's what makes it so terribly frustrating that they didn't think she was that serious. They panicked when the word cancer came up. That's what prompted the call.

I am not as worried about the cancer as I am the perforation. I know how deadly that is and I'm like, let's get her through the immediate danger before we worry about something that is what it is. It may be a mute point if she doesn't beat the perforation and the infection from it. Yes, she did/does have an infection and they haven't gotten any cultures back yet. Which is concerning. The doctor said she is on a general antibiotic and the culture will tell them where to go from here.

I completely understand her friends having her back, they just didn't IMO. But I have a different concept of what that looks like and I had been told they were her MCPOA. Which wasn't true.

It is just a mess.

I will do what is in my power to do to help her. And right now, I do not know what that is and that is the direct result and consequence of her games.

The case worker just called and said because she is awake and able to communicate all decisions are hers to make, Thank You Jesus! Because I know that no matter what I do, it will be wrong and unappreciated. This is her choice, sadly.

How far do you have to travel to get to Mom. Is she actually EATING? Unusual if this was intestinal perforation; usually after a surgery (when it is needed) the bowel takes a while to "wake up". Truth is that this is an unusual presentation and it OFTEN kills because of that. It starts with the belly and gut pain, and with bloating and sometimes a failure to pass gas. People often worsen the thing with administration of laxatives thinking it is "the usual" intestinal problems that our elders are prey to. So the belly pains and the swellings are ignored somewhat and then, lo and behold the gut bursts. Worse part of that is that often enough there is GREAT RELIEF of pain for a few hours to a day, until sepsis sets in, because the gas is relieved. It's a problem. I don't know what her "advocates" knew or when they knew it, but it may not be entirely their fault. My brother's love was a newly tenured professor, a young man in his 30s, and this is exactly how he died. I have seen patients die after perforation during a colonoscopy, and they were one day of pain, another with gas and swelling, and then boom, in with sepsis and died quickly. So it can happen.
I am glad you aren't being manipulated to act against what it took you years to understand; I know you can hold your own; take good care.

You’re welcome. We are all here to listen and support you.

That’s absolutely insane! I would be very annoyed with her ‘so called’ friends behavior. Any person that had common sense would have called you. The daughter of her friend has a lot of gall.

You weren’t informed, plus you live far away. She should take that into consideration. Does she not know that traveling takes planning? She doesn’t sound like she is wrapped too tightly, if you know what I mean.

I think that you will feel better for yourself if you go. Of course, your voice is important. It does make a huge difference in the patient’s care if they have an advocate.

These people need to take a big step back when you show up. She’s your mom.

Honestly NHWM, right now I am disgusted with the whole thing.

Personally, I think her friend isn't a very good friend. They knew this was serious and they didn't use their heads in deciding when I should be called. Now, I find out she didn't have any visitors or advocate for those 6 days. With friends like that who needs enemies.

I see a difference in every aspect of her care with me calling and asking questions, I thought every person alive knew you got better care with an advocate. Why they would not have advocated for her is beyond me.

I don't know when the conversation about not calling me took place but, you would think all bets off with a 70% mortality medical crisis. Then her daughter is trying to use FOG to get me to drop everything and rush up there. Who does that knowing she could have died anytime during those 1st days and doesn't think I should be called, then I should jump because she doesn't appear to be getting better. Grrrrr!

What a wicked web we weave when we practice to deceive. And when people think their kids heads and hearts are a personal litter box.

Vent over! Thanks for listening.

ITRR,

I feel that you are wise to protect yourself. I do feel that your presence will be important in determining her future care. I truly hope that she will make a full recovery.

I will continue to pray for you and your mother. She did go through a serious surgery and some pain and anxiety can be expected.

I hope that she will appreciate your input and respect your recommendations.

How are you holding up?

Update: so, my mom is awake, in pain but not crying out as before. I believe they took her off the pain pump and she likes her dope, it is hard to gauge the true level of pain because of this. When I was talking to her this morning she was asked if she wanted breakfast and said yes. All indications are she is making progress. Still no information on the pathology that is 9 days being processed as of now.

I am waiting to speak to the nurse or doctor to find out the status.

I wanted to let you guys know, I am advocating long distance. I have a boundary with my mom that I don't jump for her emergencies. This probably sounds cruel considering this is a true emergency but, she has cried wolf to many times, she plays far to many mind and heart games for me to abandon my life to rush to her crisis du jour. I found out this morning that this all started six days before her friends contacted me. Maybe I would have headed their on day one but, not at this point. Yet another game intended to hurt me. Her friend said she wasn't even supposed to call me and lied to my mom saying I was hunting her up. What a mess.

I will be going up next week, I believe she needs an advocate to ensure she goes to a decent rehabilitation center and to see the doctors face when I ask about prognosis, treatment, etc.

I do know that she would not be doing so well without all of the prayers and positive energy sent to and for her. Prayer works and God is still on HIS throne.

Thank all of you for your kindness, the messages truly help me.

Edit: I didn't rush up on what I thought was day 1 because I had lost my dear friend. I believe The Lord intervened, because I would not have been pleasant finding out this was 6 days later. I truly might have walked away without a glance back. Heart games should never be used, period.