Today has been a rough day. My precious friend that has been in a board and care home for about 6 months died. He was 93 and fought the good fight, he has been reunited with his loved ones that have gone before. He will be sorely missed here.
The prayers are for my mom. She is in the hospital, she had a bowel obstruction that perforated, while they were doing surgery they found a mass that is colorectal cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She is in serious but stable condition and they are running tests and doing pathology before we will really know what the prognosis is.
I appreciate and covet any and all prayers for her. Whatever is meant to happen I pray she doesn't continue to suffer as she is now. Thankfully they have her on a pain pump and are keeping her fairly comfortable. They have left the surgery site open and it is very painful when she is awake, she cries out in pain. It is difficult to see any human being suffering so.
Thank you for the prayers.
My mom has not been doing well in rehab. She has told her friends that she isn't receiving good care, being neglected and losing all of her friends because she is ripping them new ones. They all have decided that she is getting what she wanted by cutting me out. These were the things I said I could help advocate for. None of them has the time or inclination to do this for her. I was told she is getting what she asked for, so very sad.
I haven't heard from my mom, even though her friend that is keeping me informed, told her I was receptive to her calling. She can't remember my phone #, doesn't have paper and pen but, I can call her.
This feels like a setup to attack me and write whatever narrative that makes her look like the victim and me the bad guy. I am okay with being the bad guy, it's the horrible words she slings that I don't want to deal with. But, I will put on the armor and give her a chance to prove me wrong.
Here's the real kicker, supposedly, she is going on hospice soon and being transferred to ???. I hate that I can't trust what I am being told and it all feels like manipulation.
No plans to go up there until I am able to get information from a doctor and not what my mom wants me to believe, or her friends, because they are definitely trying to lay a thick FOG.
Please continue to pray for her. I am concerned about her soul, she won't die until it's her time, so I don't worry about that. I just want her to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour before she dies. It is ALL that matters.
I will update when I get some information from her doctor.
Thank you all for your continued support, it is appreciated beyond measure.
You’re an inspiration! 🥳
I’m glad that your mom is being released from the hospital. Rehab should help if she puts forth the effort. I hope that she will update you on her progress. You deserve to know.
I don’t blame you for not getting stressed out about it though. You are wise enough to know that you can’t control her behavior.
I am done until she calls me.
Thank you for your support and prayers. I truly appreciate all of you that care.
Yes, it says it all. She crossed a line with me on this, that I don't believe I can ever go back from.
I don't want to. I'm tired of her awful games and having to be hypervigilant dealing with her or her friends, it's exhausting.
I did tell her friend that not everything needs to be repeated and if she had minded her own business I wouldn't even be involved. I wasn't suppose to be called. So, I am sorry that you feel like you have to prop her up but, that is between you and her.
I know they want me on board because they know the way she is and it would be so much easier to have me dealing with her. Oh well, not in this lifetime.
I had to process the toxins, that's what the posts are, removing them from my system.
Thank you for all your care, everyone!
My brother’s mind was definitely warped. He was like a child who thought if he repeated the same thing over and over that I would give in. All that did was make me furious or I would ignore him completely.
Yeah, ITRR
You’re right. These tactics have worked well for some people. I think they realize that the people that they have targeted don’t want to be rejected by them.
Truthfully, there are some people that we should be glad that they reject us, right?
I got to the point where I didn’t care what my brother thought of me.
Here’s the thing, my other two siblings turned against my oldest brother too. We had to do this to protect ourselves.
I never knew if my brother had drugs stashed somewhere on himself. I was afraid to allow him to get in my car for a ride anywhere. I stopped giving him rides.
I wasn’t going to place myself at risk for him. I had a husband, children to raise and a mom that I was caring for.
Meanwhile, my mom had this, “go after the lost sheep” attitude. I’m all for helping people but there is a limit! I understood that she prayed for him but she felt that everyone should be like Jesus and go after the lost sheep. I told her that she was taking that scripture out of context.
I had to tell mom that she was crazy if she thought that I was going to risk going to jail for possibly being caught for possessing drugs for being with my brother.
Mom actually thought that if she told my brother not to have drugs around me that he would listen. I told her that was a nice dream but that isn’t how addiction works.
I still remember when I was living at home with my parents that we had to place anything of value under our pillow at night or he would steal it to sell for drugs. Did she forget this stuff or was in denial?
Maybe mom did forget some things after developing dementia along her Parkinson’s disease. Still, it was hard hearing her defend my brother.
It didn’t stop until my brother died. I did take her to see him in the hospice facility before he died. I know how hard that was for her. It was hard for all of us. He had liver issues and diabetes.
I hated his disease (addiction) but I did love him as a brother. Mom eventually came around and realized that my siblings and I couldn’t take dangerous risks in order to help him. We do have to protect ourselves from others.
"The latest nonsense: my mother has told her friends that she cut me off because I made it sound like it was difficult to get everything arranged in my life to be able to go there. So she was helping me out by telling the hospital not to give me information or call me back. Yet, wouldn't even answer the phone to tell me, let me waste hours trying to advocate and reach her. She didn't bother telling them that."------
To be frank it says it all. I call her healed and so that's great. She sure is off MY mind. She's well enough to play games with others then she's got WAY too much energy for me! And to my mind her friends need to stop passing on stuff that is hurtful.
Seriously, I wish your mom well, but it is time to get on with your own life. You will never hear what you needed to hear from your Mom, and it's too late to matter anyway. I don't care if you twist yourself into a whole BAG of pretzels, you will never hear it. It's HER limitation. She isn't capable of it.
YOU were always my first concern in all this.
Please take care of yourself now. Enough is enough.
I am grateful that I was able to extricate myself while I was young. It has helped me have a good life, find an amazing man and be able to keep my boundaries. I learned that she experienced me differently then others did.
As you know, we always have hope that things can improve, that's what I was praying for with this very serious situation, that she would have an Epiphany, now I know I won't be around if she does. I still pray that she is well taken care of, finds The Lord and has good quality of life. But I know she has 77 years of choosing the hard way.
Great big warm hug! For everyone dealing with a mthr.
ITRR - glad you are holding firm and backing out of the games. It's always a lose-lose - like your kindergarten picture for her. The game is to make you feel and look bad and for her to feel wronged. That's a win only for a sick mind. Yeah we had to watch our backs. You never knew when it was coming only that it would come. I remember as a child thinking. "What did I do?" I was minding my business and doing what I was supposed to be doing. That did not stop the accusations and tirades. And that pattern continued. Self protection is the only healthy response. You've got it. I know it is still distressing. more (((((hugs)))) and validations. Going no contact is not a bad idea. My sis pays the same game - different methods but the game is the same. Going no contact with her has been a very good step for me. For mother it was low contact - a few times a year as I was POA and with a support person accompanying me . That made it somewhat manageable.
The truly sad thing is that it works for so many, just look at the posts. People being abused and misused by their parents for their entire lives. So very sad.
I am not going. I made the stipulation that she has to call because I know she won't and it gives her control over something that doesn't affect me. Calling will only result in me speaking with her and doing research. Because right now, I have no intention of calling her, maybe never again.
I knew when I was a little girl that I would never be a good daughter by her standards. I remember in kindergarten that we had a project to make a picture for our moms, using their favorite colors. When I asked her those colors she told me green and yellow, then when I gave her the picture she screamed "why would you use those colors? I hate those colors." I was very young but I knew something was very wrong, by the time I was 10, I knew I better be very careful with her and watch my back.
Nothing has changed 4 decades later except the Calender year.
I totally understand the deathbed hope. I think the only way my mom wouldn't sling an arrow is because she's unconscious.
Sorry for the wording that does look like I would go up. Nope! Just not very articulate sometimes.
Why do some people have an ‘all or nothing’ mentality? I am curious about this. My brother did this with me. I think he thought that he could intimidate me with this approach but in the end all it did was make me very angry and I either pushed back or cut him off completely.
Life is full of comprising situations but for some unknown reasons some people feel that they can have it all. They risk getting nothing and quite often, ‘nothing’ is what they end up with.
Oh well…we may never figure this stuff out, huh?
You have contact with her friends who will likely let you know how she is. You have no control over her decisions and it sure doesn't look like there will be any kind of an epiphany on her part to allow you two to have a heathy relationship. I was just hoping I wouldn't get a jab when mother was on her deathbed. God was good and I didn't.
Keep your boundaries. You need that protection No explanations necessary here. BTDT. It's very tough Stay in a Good Orderly Direction. ((((((hugs)))))
Same old gaslighting, finger pointing, game playing, self pity BS that has been her MO my entire life.
What responsible adult doesn't know that travel takes planning, being away from your responsibilities and job takes planning. Not to mention making sure everything you do for your family isn't just dumped without some guidance in what is what.
The actual conversation was me telling her that it would be Monday, today, before I could head up there. I was getting everything I needed to taken care of here, so I could be there.
I am so tired of her twisting every effort to some kind of victimization of her.
I informed her friend that I am available, on my terms but, my mom will pick up the phone and call me or I'm done. I am not going to be manipulated with BS when all I was trying to do was help.
I really hope she is okay. I will be called or I won't know what's going on.
If I caved now, she would make my life miserable because she wouldn't believe my boundaries.
I want everyone to know, this isn't an easy position to take. Enforcing boundaries with a parent is uncomfortable and often gut wrenching. But, it has to be done when you are dealing with someone that would devour you without a second thought.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. It doesn't matter who it is. Protecting yourself is never wrong, no matter what anyone tries to tell you, how they try to guilt you or anything else. We are all justified in protecting ourselves, even if that means going no contact and the person suffers from their choices. We don't have to accept being abused.
She seems very entitled. "I'm your mother so I own you and you have to surrender your life to service my every need." "If you don't, then you're dead to me."
Does that sound close?
You have offered help on your terms. I think your mom knows that you’re not ever going to be a pushover but sadly, it’s not going to stop her from trying!
I know that you’re glad that she’s doing better in spite of the unknown details of her cancer. At this point in time, all you can do is take it one day at the time.
Your Mom has made her own choices. And that's what her friends need to do as well. Remember Beatty and her wonderful thing you can tell the friends: "For Mom there will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions". She has them running about like chickens with the heads cut off, and I am certain she would like to add you to the hens. I am seriously glad she has them, but I don't want her to get her hands on you.
You are much nicer than I am but for me this would be full stop. I would tell your mom to give me a ring or ask doc or friends to call whenever she likes, that I am always around, but I would be dog-goned if I would myself make another call whatsoever. A nice card. A pretty bouquet. And that's it.
You are a good example for the rest of us.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
I’m glad you have gotten the confirmation that you were seeking. 🙏
Can not really help anyone that thinks it's all their way or not at all.
It is a sad situation, for sure.
Lea, I do count this as answered prayer. I needed confirmation of what I should do and I believe this was the second confirmation I got.
My boundaries include not going to help without a plan and plans require information. No information, no plan, no trip.
I have been completely transparent with her and I have encouraged her to say no. She isn't obligated to support bad choices. I don't think she knows how to say no. Hopefully I am wrong.
I think she has been groomed to obey her narcissistic mom, no matter what. She's my age and has never fledged the nest.
The situation truly hurts my heart for her. She knew and agreed that my game plan was the most beneficial help I could give my mom right now. She's frustrated that my mom cut off her own nose to spite me.
My mom is getting better from the surgery, it's the cancer and the metastatic lesions that are my unknown. Yea, she could rip my face off, so I know she is a ok and will move forward, wherever that is.
Thanks for the hug and support.
- clear
- swift
- fair/appropriate
What does this have to do with your Mom's treatment of you? Choice. We give our children the "lay of the land" up front, in advance, so that whatever they do going forward, they are either choosing the reward or punishment themselves. This takes the burden and pain of the punishment/outcome off the parent. And hopefully a poignent lesson is learned.
Your Mom is a full-grown adult woman who ought to be mature at this point. You've shown her the lay of the land in terms of your participating in her care. Whatever she is now doing is of her own choosing. This is what you tell her (or anyone else) who comes complaining or criticizing you.
Hugs to you.