Being asked favor from friends.

Follow
Share

Hi,I am starting to feel like a bad person. I get depressed when friend asks for a favor. Which doesn't happen to often....but I am not handling well.
Here is my situation.

My mom has been living with me last 10years,she is 80years old , in good health and she is on her best behavior. Since she is not bedridden,may be I won't qualify as a caregiver yet....

But living with her is taking a toll on my emotional well being.
I also have a 3years old toddler and a jusband.

When I get asked to babysit friend's toddler, I get depressed.
If I say 'no' I feel guilt, if I say "yes" I feel resentful.

In general, I just no longer able to handle favors for friend.

Since my mom is in good health, and I'm a stay home mom, I have to say I DO HAVE PLENTY OF TIME to do a favor or tow for others.
But I just don't have a hart to do it.

Is this normal? I feel like a jerk ...

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
47

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
andypandy~By no means are you too old to take classes. I have taken classes over the years at the community college as well as at the local adult school and there are many people attending who are older than me (54). I took a computer class once and there was an elderly couple in their 80's taking the class. This couple had been in the class for many semesters and were taking advanced courses while I was just beginning. You may be able to take a class during the same time that your mother is taking the ESL class.
Yes, Margeaux is right about this person asking favors. If you really tune in to her, you may very well find she is asking many favors from others as well. These kind of people I believe really have no clue how to be a friend and probably have no real friendships with others that last more than a few months before they are "friends" with someone new. It is a drain of your time and energy having to maintain a relationship that is high maintenance and certainly not worth it for you and your family. A big hug to you for doing somethings for yourself, you deserve it♥!
(3)
Report

Good Morning to All,

The sun is shining beautifully through my garden window right now as I post.
I couldn't agree more with Sharynmarie about how few and far between the REAL friends in life are.

I find it interesting also, that in some cases while we are trying to maintain, learn about prospective friends, sometimes can be so time consuming. This ex-friend I wrote about w/physical disabilities, when I first met her I realized that she by the very nature of her conditions, would need assistance if one chose to be her friend. She was blind, when we first met and later regained her eyesight. She was also suffering from brain fogginess. Later, she regained her sight. But her condition, is such that she will always have to completely be in touch with her health if she is to function normally, or her health can get compromised.

Anyway, as I got more acquainted with her, because of her physical disabilities, I somewhat felt at a loss about her behaviors at times. Although I was aware that she was in great need, but then I'd notice she'd start to ask for other favors too, not only of me, many others.

On one occasion, she, asked me, whether she could use something regarding advertising concerning my husband, on her website. I was a bit shocked at this kind of a request. Honestly, I became annoyed, at her nerve. But then politely explained, that, "NO," I don't think my husband would agree to something as such, as it had to do with copyrights, and well when you hand something over to people to post on their websites, who knows what links those may be attached to etc. Legalities.This was the truth about the matter. She then called my husband up a few days later on his cell phone to ask him the very same thing. I was beyond myself with this woman!! I had listened to her many woes for several years now about her health, financial problems, been her friend. I felt very stupid and betrayed. I finally realized, that even in situations where someone is needy by the very nature of their physical abilities, we must be careful, if these people start to tread on our boundaries, and ask us for inappropriate favors, under the guise of a friendship. I finally also was separating some of what SHE called brain injuries to plain out aggressive and overbearing behaviors. .

In you case Andypandy, this is what I noticed and may have missed earlier, is the playdate and the baby sitting. You will really have to separate out the two of these. But honestly, how could a person who is a friend ask you for baby sitting , also given you have your elderly mother and your own baby? So try to tune in to other clues with this person. This is what I realized in my situation, because these people can really drain us of precious time and energy.
Happy Memorial Day! Love & Light, Margeaux
(0)
Report

ild1227: I just started to do little things for myself too, and what a surprise to see a little differrence in myself! I hope this feeling continues in me..I just have to see how it goes...
Thanks for suggesting "community service or internship programs for graduation" I am not sure if anyone can get a benefit from talking to my mom(since she is 80) ,but this is soemthing I have never thought of! I know the high school have her language program, so there is a slight chance this might be possible, since my mom does have plenty time to talk to someone if they want or choose to. I read your profile, I am very surprised that you do take care so many elderly people! I am also very encouraged by the fact you are in school. At 47(me), I was kind feeling like my life is pretty much set in so many ways and too late start something new(because I am too old...,lol), but to hear you are taking classes makde me feel, nothing is to late! As you mentined above post, just in case "controversy" may happen to me, I hope to work bettering myself to keep my mind occupied with good things and to find strong self.So I can handle a little caos here and there.
(0)
Report

Boy, do I know about being too easygoing. I've done it most of my life. I am learning at this stage to be honest with myself and I do say no, even if it causes controversy. I try not to be insulting, but direct. If I continue to say yes and I'm resentful, then there is no point in doing something if I am going to be resentful in the end. My mother, now 80, taught me that and she is right. If we do things with anger and animosity, then what's the point? I have been doing simple things for myself lately, and the guilt seems to disappear the more I do little things for myself. Oh, as far as your mother not speaking English, many places do have translators, and you can also look into local high schools and colleges, as most schools now require community service or internship programs for graduation. They can come to your home and spend time with your mom, and you can request someone that speaks her native language. You can also check into organizations through your state. The Office for the Aging, United Way, or even a local community or church or synagogue could assist you with a volunteer to accompany your mom to a program for a few hours. There are so many programs out there, but it's too bad there isn't a directory that provides these resources to people.
(1)
Report

jeannegibbs: Thanks for the encouraging words! Ohnestly, I was not doing a good of job caring for my mom, but right now I am very willing and wanting to make a small steps to make some changes. LIke you said, "mutually rewarding relationship" started to be very important to me. ANd I know that will help her and myself both. I am so glad to have found this community here online and very much want to help others too.
(1)
Report

ild1227: You said "Instead of making excuses, just be truthful.", that's what I should of done at the beginning! I somehow ended up saying too many "yes" at the beginning of friendship , and it was too late to start saying "no" without feeling awkward. I definately nedd to learn someting from this....so it won't happen again.
It's almost like dating....LOL. It takes time to get to know someone.
Adult day care is a wonderful suggestion, if my mother could speak English....
Thanks for mentioning massage school, I used to get very inexpensive($15 for one hour! ) massage from school, I need to get back doing something like that again.
(0)
Report

Andypandy, you really seem like a smart cookie. You are taking good care of your mother and giving her stimulating things to enjoy in spite of the language barrier. You seem willing and able to learn new approaches to try. Working on a mutually rewarding relationship with your mother is a far better use of your energy than feeling guilty about saying no to an acquaintance. I see good things ahead for you. Hang around here and share your experiences and successes with others who need a little encouragement.
(1)
Report

We, as women, are caretakers by nature. With a young, active baby and a mother to worry about, you certainly have a full plate. There is no reason to feel guilty. You do not have to explain yourself when you are not up to being responsible for another person's child. There is nothing wrong with that. Why put yourself in a position where you are going to become overly stressed. That isn't going to benefit anyone. Instead of making excuses, just be truthful. You can say that you have been a caregiver for a very long time, with little reprieve. It is nothing personal, but you have alot on your plate, and you would feel terrible if something happened to someone else's child. Now, addressing your needs: you need to look in your community for possible adult daycare programs. More and more programs are being created and many of them are free or of little cost. Having your mom out of the house for several hours a few days a week might be the break you need right now. There is nothing wrong with needing a few hours to ourselves, even if that is going to get a manicure or getting your hair done. There are many ways to obtain inexpensive services, even if you check out local cosmetology schools or a massage school. So, don't feel guilty about not wanting to babysit someone else's child. You certainly can have a play date and invite a few women over with their children. This way, you do have interaction with other women of your own age and with things in common. Hope this helps.
(1)
Report

bandit8it: I am feeling much better than last weekend.This forum really helped me and I really appreciate everyones comment and suggestions. Not only forum helping me about my friend problem, it's making me to think a lot abut my mom and what caregivers go through in everyday life. And you are right about " It's reality" , this is how it is for me ,I want to try to make best of it without taking on too much....it is soooo hard to make everyone happy.


sharynmarie: "unfortunately "true" friends are rare", it is so true. and I totally understand how you felt in your situation too! When there is "them" it is probably worse. I think I'm in the middle of learning hard lesson.Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am trying to take it easy on myself so I can be more cheerful and communicable to my family. Right now my house is a kind of jumble mess but I'm ok with it.
(2)
Report

Margeaux: Sounds like your friendship situation is very similer to mine. You went out of your way to be kind! Either this person was this way to begin with or did we let them become this way with us..... Balance is a hard thing to fined, I feel like it changes daily or weekly in my case. Right now I'm starting to think that "who really cares about me?". I do have up and downs with my mom but I know she loves and care about me more than my friends do. That's probably true in most peoples case. It is not easy thing to do , but I really need to think my priority is my own family. Margeaux, your mothers family must have great genes to live over 90! And still recognizing you and most people around her is such a blessing, sounds like your effort to keep her busy and company her is working positively. Yes, my mom does have her own language channel(just one channel is available) for 24hours,she get one magazine every week and two more magazine monthly. Even after she lost one eyesight, she seem to enjoy very much.
(1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions