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I feel like I need help. Not financial help. Not emotional help. Like tangible actionable help. I’m overwhelmed. I’m drowning. I feel guilty. I feel resentful. I feel like giving up. To say I was underprepared by the overwhelming nature of what caretaking is and how much it takes out of you is an understatement. I thought it would be easier – manageable even. I thought I’d have more help. I don’t know what I thought, I just knew that I had to take my dad in – it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do for my mom as well.

I feel like nothing is going to save me from the inevitable fallout. I feel that in trying to juggle the relationships around me they are instead all starting to fail. I am constantly worried about everyone and their moods and what’s on their plates and not trying to push anyone all at the expense of myself. I feel like my girlfrien is stressed, overwhelmed at not having a partner and a relationship anymore but rather living in what may be the expected reality of a married woman after 40 years. We both work full time and I try to be conscientious of her needs and her own stresses that have nothing to do with our home life. Adding to that however is the reality that our home life further compounds any other stress at any given time.

My mom is stressed. She is also diabetic with high blood pressure in her 60s and has become increasingly inactive, withdrawn to her room, and less reliable as a resource for help. I have to constantly remind myself that she is here with us for an entirely separate circumstance than my father, who is turning 88, and that they are divorced and had been living separately until now for 15+ years. Little things she used to be open to doing more regularly she is seemingly no longer open to doing. After our last blowup and how that affected me I am hesitant to ask her to do anything beyond what I feel she is willingly self-motivated to do – which isn’t much. I’m frustrated and burdened by the fact that she, unlike my dad, is mobile and independently able to do things but financially tied and reliant on me to do most things for her and/or in the very least in my company.

My dad on the other hand is financially independent and contributes to his room and board but in the realest sense of becoming a ‘caretaker’ requires assistance with everything else. His medical appointments are getting longer and more frequent. I spend hours each week sorting out his medications, contacting doctors, facilitating all aspects of his medical care – all aside from the time missed at work to accompany him to appointments and lab draws and to make sure that he is both receiving adequate care and asking/retaining the information we need to manage him at home.

Most nights I want to go home after work and immediately shut the doors and close off from everything but on most nights, I’m either stressing about dinner when my mom isn’t in the mood, which stresses not only me but solicits complaints from my father about ‘things not working’ out, and also solicits frustration from my girlfriend who like myself – had been at work all day and doesn’t want to deal with anything more for the night. I stress about managing expectations. I stress about the stress I know others will feel when said expectations are not met. I struggle to find a balance when my dad corners me with his laundry list of items and deciding between postponing things to the weekends or just dealing with things right then and there. But then come weekends – short precious weekends – and I find myself busy juggling with personal errands; communal errands (like groceries and household necessities); assessing bills and finances for my dad; chores – usually bed linen and bathroom towel laundry and/or cleaning the bathroom itself, or moving things, reorganizing things, etc for him; doing our own laundry; worrying about meals – CONSTANTLY – out of guilt that I’m not home during the week to help so I want to give my mom time ‘off’ but as there is increasingly little time ‘on’ – the resentment creeps in. And it’s not her fault, nor is it her responsibility. And none of this is my dad’s fault, and it is my responsibility. I'm their only child. I also feel like I’m stretched incredibly thin trying be a loving and responsible kid, a bookkeeper, a chauffeur, a medical advocate, an ATM, a friend, a lover, and a good person in general. I feel in juggling it all I am halfassed at best.

I don’t have the answers. My intentions are falling short. Everyone is growing restless and resentment is silently fostering in us all. I feel I do nothing anymore but constantly chase my own tail and by no means can time spent with anyone be considered ‘quality’ time spent with me. I can feel it. I’m drowning. I feel as though I started out as a person motivated by the purest of intentions and now grapple with my own darkness as the cloud of self-doubt, guilt, anger and resentment shield me from any hint of my former self.

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You are a very articulate person,Jaspur13. I hope it helps a little just to share this stress and vent about it.

As you describe your situation, it sounds simply untenable to me. Your parents are divorced. In many families the divorced couple can't even hold it together enough to get through a family event like a wedding or graduation, and you have these people living under the same roof? I have a very cordial relationship with my ex-husband. Holidays and events are no problem. But I am trying to imagine living with my son because of financial hardship and then my ex moving in. OMG! Talk about stress. Talk about withdrawing to my room. Talk about being reluctant to help out Talk about neglecting my diabetes and going downhill! I just cannot imagine that scenario. Did your mother agree with moving your father in? Neither one of you could really imagine what you were getting in to.

And even without the complication of exes under the same roof, caregiving is a much more demanding role than most of us realize when we get into it. You are trying to work full time, as is your partner. This is a critical period for establishing your career and building for your future. And now one of you has the work interruptions of medical appointments and the stress of more people to shop for and feed and keep the house clean for. It is a shock for most of us. Many of us manage to work things out and cope -- but that is without the built-in huge stress that dwells in your house.

How does your partner feel about both of your partners sharing your house? Was he/she in favor of it before it happened?

Your intentions are A1 first-class. But it is hardly surprising you are unable to fulfill your intentions. It is not because you are a bad son or friend or lover or bookkeeper, etc. It is because you are in a no-win situation.

Mother's need is financial. Start there. If she could afford to live on her own, it sounds like she is capable of it. Help her look into subsidized housing for the elderly. If that seems feasible, she may need to be on a waiting list. That's OK. You can tough this out if there is an end in site.

Father can't live on his own, but he can pay for what he needs. Assisted Living, with transportation to medical appointments, may be ideal for him. Help him look into that.

With both parents getting their basic needs met you can go back to being their loving child, visiting each separately, sometimes taking them out (separately) providing little treats, etc. You can focus on building the foundation for your own future, both in your career and in your relationship.

Drastic advice? Yup. Your situation strikes me as drastically in need of fixing!
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argh ... how does your partner feel about both of your PARENTS sharing your house?
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Oh you poor honey...how did this ever transpire? I really want to know that. Someone thought this was a good idea?

Everything that Jeanne said...get mom on a list for subsidized housing. Do some research on assisted living places and take your dad to visit. If your mom likes to research and is motivated to move dad, maybe that's a task she eould enjoy doing!
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Your parents, divorced for more than 15 years, wind up living in your home and bringing their various care needs with them. How come? You're only 33, you haven't even got round to marrying your partner and establishing your own family yet, you're working full-time: why would anyone think this a workable option?

And, how long has each of them been living with you? Was it supposed to be a temporary stop-gap until better accommodation could be found, or what?

In terms of practical help, make a detailed assessment of their individual needs both immediately and in the foreseeable future. You will then be able to think more clearly about how those can be met; but the current situation is untenable from all points of view.

What's your mother stressed about? Has she been recently bereaved, or suffered a relationship breakdown, illness or comparably painful event? I should keep half an eye on "competitive neediness" if I were you (that's not a technical term, I just made it up but I'm sure you'll see what I'm getting at) - as long as you express your love and care for her, you can still make it clear that you believe she can bounce back from here.

Don't anticipate guilt. In your circumstances there are better ways to be a good son than by housing both parents under your own roof; and your mother, in particular, is much too young to become your dependant. See that their needs are met, and you'll have nothing to feel guilty about.
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I have to agree with several responses about solutions for getting your parents the help they need. They do not need to be living at your home. Caregiving is one of the most demanding jobs and even though at first it feels as though it's "the right thing"to do, that's usually guilt and sometimes other psychological needs talking. It is not easy and the right thing is assisting your parents within reason to live their lives on their own as adults. Caregiving places you in the role as parent and them as dependent and that is very stressful and unnatural. Your mother is in her 60's and I don't see why she is living with you. She can get on her own in housing somewhere. I agree with assisted living for your dad. This stress you are under is very detrimental to your physical health and will quite possibly make you ill. I know you probably feel like you have precious little time, but you really could use the help of a caring competent therapist to help you sort through this. Until you get them both out of the house use some of dad's money to hire help to come in and do laundry, cook etc. call the local "area wide agency on aging" to get referrals to companies that provide this. There is no reason a man working full time should be doing all these tasks. You need outside help man, so admit it and get it and then go about getting your life back. That feeling of drowning is telling you that something needs to change. You have rights too, you know. You can still be a loving son who does the best for his parents and takes care of your own needs.
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ARRRG This is a "most" difficult situation and you should not feel guilty. You are doing way too much. I too am an only child. My dad lived in my house for 7 yrs. My mom was in a nursing home and my husband said that if we brought her here she was going in a nursing home here too because taking care of both of them was too much for me. She died a few months after he came to live with us so we never had to make that decision. I did get a person from the church to stay with my dad during the day while I was working. He took care of his hygiene, meds and food but mostly could sit around and read. Are you taking an antidepressant? You are in a very depressing situation. Take care of yourself first or you will not be able to take care of anyone.
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When you are a caring person, and doing the best you can in an overwhelming situation, guilt has no place. You are doing all you can. Communicate that to your girlfriend, and your parents. A little therapy for support could help you. Your mom sounds like she needs some too.
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God will give you more strength than you think. He will give you a rock to stand on, and He will give you rest. I am praying for you
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You have a lot on your plate. I know it's a crutch, but have you thought about talking to a doctor about anti depression medications? Caregiving can be one of the most stressful times of your life. Working full time and having this on top of it is a double stress. Not having help is stressful too. Please talk to your family doctor.
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You may want to work on your father's situation first. Small, licensed assisted living group homes are very affordable and often offer a better caliber of care than larger ones. I just moved my mom from a large facility that cost almost $5,000 per month (goes up sometimes monthly) with poor care, to a 6-bed home with better care for $3500 per month for all care and (their cost does not escalate at all). These smaller ALFs don't advertise, so you will need to check with places like the Aging Institute, Senior One, etc. to find them. You can't do everything at once so just start chipping away by making some calls. You and everyone else will be happier with less stress. (((HUGS)))
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Good Morning Jaspur13. At the end of the day, you cannot continue to sacrifice yourself (or your sanitity) at the expense of taking care of your loved one. Trust me....I have been where you are ...and continue to reside there.
Help for me came when I got my mom signed-up for Medicaid. I currently have her enrolled in the Community Based Waiver Program, which is a Medicaid based program designed to keep your loved one at home, by providing them 20-40hrs in-home provider caregiver service/supervision. Medicaid also offers transportation to a from doctor's appointments.
Also, you may want to look into a Nanny Service provider. More and more, Nanny Service providers are offering Elder Care services (ie. Sitter Service) for far less than your typical Nursing Service Provider. Elder care service can come in 2 forms: (1) Live-In provider or (2) Live-out provider. Live-In provider service is less expensive, but you sacrifice your privacy at home.
You mentioned that your father is financially independent. In order to get Medicaid, you must meet an income requirement. If you exceed the income cap, you will have to setup a Miller's Trust; for this, I recommend you contact an Elder Care Lawyer.
Hope this helps...Stay well.
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Ay yay yay. You have the very best of intentions and everyone has become dependent on you. 1. Let go of the guilt. What you have already done is already beyond generous. 2. Get them out of your house. Nursing home, assisted living, medicaid, whatever - get them out. Out, out, out. You have a right to your life, especially at age 33 trying to get your own life put together. Being born is NOT a jail sentence of caring for parents for the rest of your life. Your mom, well, she needs to fend for herself at age 60. Sorry.
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Take a deep breath. You need to build a support team. Hire a cleaning lady who will take care of laundry and cleaning. Get a shrink, who will support you, and help turn the Mom, Dad, and girlfriend into a cooperative team. The shrink will help you set and enforce boundaries, get everyone on the same page. If nothing else it someone who is totally on your side. Mine has been invaluable in getting siblings to help. Get a geriatic doctor, one who will cut down on specialists, and the amount of prescriptions taken. Go from cure to care mindset. Read "My Mother Your Mother" by Dr. Dennis McCullough. Best book written about caring for elderly parents. Stop stressing, Take action. This is what worked for me. Good Luck.
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I like the idea of getting Mom into subsidized living. Yes, there will be waiting lists, but the first step is to get on the list! Take whatever one you can with the idea if it's not perfect she can move to a different one later if need be.
Dad can afford a caregiver, either get one for him or move him into assisted living. Why is Dad financially well off and Mom is broke? Didn't he need to pay alimony or at least some kind of support if she is unable to work? Of course 15 years ago is a long time back and maybe her health was good then. Maybe Dad could pay for an apartment for Mom until she can get into subsidized living rather than hire a caregiver right now?? Is Dad a veteran? If he doesn't have significant money or income, he and Mom could both qualify for a pension.
Is Dad paying for his room and care at your home? If so, would you be financially O.K. to kick in for an apartment for Mom until she could get into the subsidized living.
First and foremost, get the two of them in separate living spaces.
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Have your Mom apply for Medicaid and disability. The care will be provided through Social Services.
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Don't let yourself go on thinking everything has to be so ideal. And you are not just stressed and feeling bad, you are stressed and feeling bad ABOUT being stressed and feeling bad. You are up against your limits and not used to being there. Take steps to reduce the stress of the situation and make life easier and more pleasant for all involved. If mom does not want to cook, order out from Subway. Prepay for a pizza delivery to home while you and girlfriend go out to the comedy club. You can't realistically take on the emotional responsibility for keeping everyone but yourself happy and thriving.
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And frankly, in this situation, to h*ll with whose fault anything is.

Someone named Martha once got a surprising lesson from Mary; reduce expectations, and save the energy and time for the important things. Some of the important things seem like luxuries but aren't. You have to pay the bills. You have to make sure there is food in the house. Let some of the other details go as much as possible.
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Rethink your original statement about the type of help you need. Emotional should be included. Lots of good support and ideas here.
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You've been given some very good suggestions, but I have another one that goes hand in hand with all the others. I would try to find someone to do research for you....shouldn't be too hard if you put an ad on craigslist. I know from experience, how very time consuming(and exhausting) it is to research all those options. Dealing with Medicaid alone can be a long involved process. You will be adding more stress if you try to solve these issues by yourself. So, try to find & hire someone to be your assistant.....do research, make phone calls, find out what possibilities there are for your mom, do initial visits to Adult Care Homes/Asst Living Facilities. Basically a detail person that can go to work finding solutions that will work for you, your mom and your dad. Everyone is right. They should be out of your home. You will all be healthier and happier if you aren't all in the same home, with you stressed and overwhelmed. Doing the best you can for your parents does not necessarily mean taking them into your home.
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
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Your heading for a major FIASCO........ ((HUGS))
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Dont know what to say except God love you! I have the same feelings and stress with just my mum to deal with I just cannot imagine what this is like but that it needs to change right now.

I do not want my mum in a NH nobody does but its the only solution left to me as ive no help or support from Gov or family and i mentally and physically can no longer do this without getting very ill.

We love our parents we want them to be happy but sometimes lifes throws too much crap our way and we are only human and must realise that sometimes things are not possible for the good of all.

I really feel for you as caring for two parents like this must be a huge stress dont feel guilty and sort this out soon so you can enjoy your time with them AND keep your sanity!
Hugs and let us know what happens youre not alone so dont feel guilty i have a sick stomach from guilt I should be happy to care for my mum but nobody told me how hard this would be! Venting here is good and so important where else can you let off steam i know most of us would be lost and very alone without this site as everyone here understands how we are all feeling and its perfectly normal to feel this way we do our best and its never enough how can it be we want to do the right thing but sometimes the right thing is to look after ourselves first i mean where would your parents be if you were ill and unable to look after them?
You will find a solution and get through this we all do in the end i am at my wits end and know that mum will have to go into a NH soon as im important too and my health is failing! I cant handle this on my own and as a family i shouldnt have to my siblings are all getting on with thier lives and im here tearing my hair out somethings gotta give now and im being positive that it will soon.

I light a candle every week for everyone on this site to help us on this long and hard journey and bring us peace when the time comes.

What keeps me going is that one day i will have peace and whatever choices ive had to make no matter how hard they are i was here for my mum and i did everything i could to make this better for her my siblings will not have this peace but that is thier own fault!
HUGS
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First and foremost get rid of the guilt. Recognize that your parents aging is a part of the cycle of life. We are born, we age, and we pass away. You did not cause them to age or get sick, etc and you cannot heal them or save them from passing on. In recognizing this myself, this freed me to stop trying to be super woman and to focus on things that I could fix which involved placing my Mom in LTC. It's not perfect, but it provided the help that I needed. I still support her and act as a strong advocate for her and work hand in hand with the nursing home and I will escalate issues to the nursing home administrators and owners, but it is still not the same level of stress involved when trying to do it on my own. Also, I would recommend that you get another girlfriend. If you marry her she should be your helpmate in good times and bad times. I don't know the whole story, but only what you have shared here. Her actions seem to show that she will not be able to get in the trenches with you to help you solve life's problem. She seems to be adding to your problems. You have some tough challenges now, but this will not be the last of life challenges as you will have many more. I would be concerned about committing to anyone who cannot support me during this time. If it had not been for my husband helping take care of my mother, it would have destroyed my health as well as my mental state. Before I accepted the depressed state I was in and started taking medication, with God's guidance, I took back control of my life. I will pray for you and hope that you take some of the awesome advice that has been provided.
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I am right there with you. When I took on caring for my grams I was so not prepared. Did not think about it, just jumped in. The past few month have been overwhelm and fatigue so deep. I empathize and sympathize.

I did some research for both the care of my grams and myself. Told my family that is it, they need to help more. Even if it is for no more than a phone call to talk with her. But I need more time out. I connected with Southern Caregivers here in San Diego County, reached out to my therapist I have not needed in over a year, and have been deeply self-honest. And honest with everyone else.

I obtained more information about dementia and senior health. A huge relief to know I am not insane, abnormal or morally deficient. I journal, pray and take time outs during the day. If I don't I lose my temper, just raising my voice adds to the problem. Arguing with someone who is incapable of understanding is useless. Now that I understand, it is easier to walk away.

My first suggestion is research the assistance in your area. Get out to groups that understand. Take those time outs. As for taking responsibility for everyone, I discovered I had some deep wounds to heal and have taken that time to do so. Self-healing is the most important gift we as caregivers can give ourselves. Especially when we are caring for parents or grandparents. The child wants to be accepted and parented, but our parents and grand parents are not capable any longer. Our roles are reversed and that in itself is very difficult to accept. Grief has been my companion for a few months. I finally listened and let it move on.

I send you blessings and hope that you find the help you need, Jaspur13.
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Locate an adult day care for your dad so you can take him there. Then start looking for an facility as explained by "laurabutler28". Just because you are an only child doesn't mean you have to carry both parents on your back at the expense of your own life. They lived there lives; you need to get your's back. You don't owe them everything.
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jeannegibbs gave you FANTASTIC advice. All of it is spot-on and you absolutely should not be in this position at the age of 33. At 33, you should be living and enjoying your life without having the burden of being the caregiver of one, much less two, parents. It does not appear that you have any children involved which is both a blessing under the current circumstances and also a curse in some ways. Because, if you did have children of your own in the mix, the situation would probably never be what it is with your parents.....you would be (and rightfully so) way too overloaded with the children's needs/wants, etc. to have ever had the time to allow the circumstances regarding your parents to have come to this. So, I totally agree with jeanne.....you need to focus on getting your life back while gently getting your parents into other living arrangements. This won't be easy but once done, you (& your girlfriend) will be able to once again enjoy life. Good luck and keep coming back to this site....it is a wellspring of support and information.
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I agree with Laura Butler - a small assisted living facility would be a good option for your dad. Take one thing at a time. Once your dad is successfully placed, you can deal with an appropriate living situation for your mother. Good luck!
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Thank you for being so open. You need to take care of yourself first. No guilt in that, it is necessary, not a choice. Talk to your parents' doctors, explain you are overwhelmed and see if they can get an evaluation for level of care needs. Then check out local places on line to see what ratings they have from family of folks who live there. Go look at them. Your mom and dad may need different types of homes. Then visit on a predicable schedule (write it on a calendar for each of them) and call in between visits. I encourage you to continue to take them to their primary care doctors, rather than in house doctors, and have them sign releases so you know what the doctor recommends, and get a non biased opinion of their health. That way you can know if their care is adequate for their needs.

It is better to have a facility with 24/7 staff care for them, than to have you doing 3 shifts a day plus an extra at work. That way you can take them out or home on Sunday for dinner and enjoy the pleasant parts of them.
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Also: Blame the doctor for their move. I am sure the doctor will agree to "recommend" a facility placement as being "better for their health and care" even though you have done a good job, the facility has more resources. For example: group outings and such.
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You are trying to do to much for too many. Your mother needs another living arrangement, if she was in the home to assist with her husband after a long happy marriage --that would be one thing. They are divorced and even though she is 20 yrs younger and seeing her son under great stress, isn't attempting to assist this caregiving or living arrangement at all--needs to leave. She can take care of herself if she isn't that ill and doesn't have mobility issues.

Next, your dad is 88 yrs old with lots of old age issues and they will expand until he passes on in his 90's probably. I would use his funds to get a home health aide in the house to care for him while you work and time each weekend for you and your girlfriend to have time for yourself. Just like couples need babysitters for small children to attend to their relationship time, you need a reliable home health aide to care for your dad when you and your girl friend have date night. You may want to get a house keeper to clean the house once a wk or twice a month to further free up your time.

You still have the medical visits, portioning out the meds for dad, and getting his daily laundry done. Have the home health aides get him dressed and cleaned each day.

As an only child I know what it is like to care for an elder alone. Been there don that. But you need to have enough support (home health aides) to allow you to have some sort of a life. You need to do the part of caregiving: which you his son excel at ( being able to talk to dad, having time to share a book or tv with him, caring for his medicines and being the contact person for medicare/insurance and doctor contacts). If you are overwhelmed with the small details of caregiving --you are exhausting yourself and doing what you
think is a half----ed job of it.

Your heart is in the right place--but use your head to redefine the job of only child primary caregiver. For years I tried to 'fix" my father's old age. I could not "fix" his old age but I could make his old age (last years) as pleasant as I could. Old age will win in the end--it always does. It is not reversible. Accept that point and keep good days and bad days in perspective. If today was a good day--great but if it is a bad day the next day can be better.
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There have been many good suggestions and ideas offered. I would only be redundant if I tried to come up with other ideas for you. The best thing I can offer comes from the airlines pre-flight instructions. If the oxygen masks come down, put yours on first, then help others. Seriously figure what your limits are. BE REALISTIC. If you don't take care of yourself first, you aren't able to help or be there for anyone else.
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