After caring four your parents, do you fear caregiving for your spouse or significant other?

I worried about this a lot right after all our elders passed away. I was fried.

My DH is an awful patient. He does go to his PCP every 6 months for his cholesterol med and BP med. But he rarely will go to a Dr or Walk In when he is sick!

He has 2 messed up knees from motorcycle wrecks younger in life. After he sits for a while he kinda hobbles for a few seconds. Our daughter and myself have been after him to see a Dr....nope.

He was on a Pheasant Hunt this weekend. After a full day of leisurely walking his hip was giving him fits he says. He left the hunt early. He is out of state on a job. He will be home on the 19th. I guess I’ll see then what shape he is really in.

DH will be 60 on the 18th. I am 58. DH is 6’5 and about 240LBs. I am 5’1 and about 140LBs. So......I am a strong hardy little cuss but should he develop severe mobility problems I know I will be in trouble.

Would my DH be a good caregiver? 5 yrs ago I would have said no! I am doomed! But as our 2 grandkids have come along I’ve seen a nurturing side to him develop. Nothing that would carry me thru a debilitating illness but a glimmer of hope.

Mid,

I so love your matter of fact approach and acceptance of reality. I wish men who don’t look after themselves would realize that it causes suffering for others.

I worry about that sometimes cause he doesn't take as good care of himself as I try to so that leads me to think that I'll be the one pushing his wheelchair one day and not the other way around. Which is fine, for better or worse right, in sickness and in health. But I do think that spouses owe it to each other to take as good care of themselves as they can so one isn't left with a bigger burden than the other.

My DH is almost deaf. Because of this, he relies on me a lot. The one thing he is addimant about in No Nursing Home. I have told him that I would care for him as long as I could but I can make no promises. He outweighs me by 80lbs so no way could I help him up or turn him.

I said this in another post, it would be better if he goes before me.

NHWM--

Yes, DH has always just eaten whatever he wanted. His cholesterol was so low it was amazing--guess what? When he had his heart attacks they found his arteries totally clogged with cholesterol. His heart docs hold fast to the belief that cholesterol numbers are NOT indicative of heart disease. He is now on statins and his cholesterol is about 70.

He used to be quite the athlete and kept in shape. A few sports injuries and too much travel led to about a 100 lb weight gain in his 40's. AT 6'5" he could carry it off---but it caught up with him.

I KNOW I will be caring for him within 10 years. He plans in retirement to do nothing but sleep. Hence my possible plan for a duplex. He can hire CG's and I can have a life. The cancer will come back, for sure, one day and I know he won't be a 'better' caregiver than he's been in the past.

Funny, his view of my cancer was that he was there every day bringing me hot soup and magazines.

Some people simply do not have a caregiving gene in their makeup. I'm glad I know this waaaaaay in advance of our 'golden years'. I will care for him, but I will also no hesitate to pay for help.

No because after this, I’m done with caregiving ...I don’t care who gets sick..I’m through. Hugs 🤗

MID, your stories continue to shock me but that sadly is your reality. Given them I would think an independent facility that is connected to continuing care would be best for you if that is possible. I doubt the self destructive nature of your husband will render a long life and you need and deserve constructive influence around you. I would hope if you sell your house you might be able to afford this. I am so glad you are through your cancer treatments.

Linda,

I imagine it will take some time. I don’t think anyone is truly prepared. We would like to be but it’s near impossible in certain situations.

NHWM, thank you - it was so unexpected, I'm just trying to figure this out.

Mid,

Has your husband always eaten that way? I wish husbands would be more concerned. My husband doesn’t overeat but he never goes for check ups.

My husband does walk to lunch. He’s in a walkable section of the city. Look at how many people stop exercising all together.

What's hard for me is that DH doesn't take care of himself at all. He ate like a pig at Thanksgiving and put on about 12-15 pounds--literally was eating every second of every day we were there. Son loves to cook and I kept saying "please keep the meals low carb, Dad really is not eating well' to which son replied "leave him alone, he's a grown man and can do what he wants"--true, but I am the one who suffers from his lack of self restraint, as he gets sick and sleeps and sleeps endlessly. He literally had 2 shirts he could not button closed after a week of gluttony. I was embarrassed and angry, but nothing to be done. He will eat himself back into diabetes and heart attack country. And I will have to take care of him.

Every 'sweet' that has come into the house has been recycled to my neighbors with kids and I will NOT keep candy and cookies and such in the house. Luckily, he really cannot grocery shop or it would be so much worse.

Linda,

I am so very sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. My heart goes out to you.

It is devastating to lose a parent and husband back to back as you have. Many hugs!

You about summed it up... I think I may be okay in taking care of spouse, but not so sure now....I am still taking care of people

I did caregiving of my husband for a number of years. It’s harder than caring for a parent because you’re so emotionally involved, so involved with them on a daily basis, It was tiring and frustrating at times, ok much of the time, With heart problems and Parkinson’s, it was a challenge but we just kept at it. In spite of my care and efforts, some things are out of our control.

Four weeks ago, he was putting some things into the trash can, somehow stumbled and fell. He broke his hip, aspirated which caused pneumonia and what has been mentioned to me as the hip spiral,,,the steady chain of health problems that follow a hip break. In spite of all the hospital care, his health worsened, and he passed away last night.

We’re in shock...zombie state says my cousin. I did everything I could from special diets to being a cheerleader to managing meds to exercise, and it was a hip break that nullified all of our efforts. I’m heart broken, the kids are devastated and our family is forever changed. My mom passed two weeks ago...a rough month, Thank heavens for our wonderful kids, who are looking after me so well, because I’m hollow right now and just want to crawl under the covers. If there is a glimmer of positive, it’s that he didn’t go thru the full run of Parkinson’s, suffering the difficulties and pain of it.

MidKid,

Geeeeez, did not realize that you had been through so much with your hubby! I think I would have cracked up! You’re a tough lady!

What a shame that men in general don’t seem to stay on top of their health. My husband only goes to the doctor if he absolutely has to. It has been many years since he went for a check up.

Elaine,

Don’t you feel as we age time goes by so quickly? I can relate to you asking your husband how did we get so old? Hahaha

Happy retirement to him!

Heck yes!

Yes! After caring for my mom and my mother in law for almost 7 years until their death it is on my mind all the time.

I have had to cg for my hubby several times already and he is only 67 now--a liver transplant, post op sepsis, stroke, heart surgery, 84 weeks of TX for the HepC he had which destroyed his liver, a motorcycle wreck which should have killed him, 2 massive heart attacks 18 months ago--each and every time I dropped everything I was doing and took care of him 24/7.


So--off and on for the last 15 years I have had this man as a patient. He's terrible, grouchy and demanding and gets the kids on his side so I have them after me along with him....

He's not aging well--refuses to take care of himself. Eats like a crazy person, although he has 'controlled' his diabetes, he still put on 15 lbs worth of pie and ice cream and junk over Thanksgiving. I could cry.

He doesn't care. He states he doesn't care. But his health does affect ME and in a negative way.

I recently finished a 6 month TX for cancer. What did he do to help me? A couple of dinners of fried eggs (all he can cook) and a couple cans of warm Diet Coke when I was too sick to get out of bed. Mostly he traveled as much as he possibly could. He went on one trip for 16 days and didn't call once.

It is what it is. He's worse than I thought he'd be--really, he promised he'd take care of me during the cancer, but he didn't even go to all the chemo appts with me. He's what I married and I was stupid enough to think I could change him. Jokes on me, he is worse now than he ever was. We are looking to downsize our home and I am torn with what type of living arrangements we should make: a duplex where we can be together when we feel like it or a rambler style home with a basement apartment where we can house caregivers and not rely on the kids. I already know he will spend most his time sleeping as he has stated that he just wants to sleep as much as possible.

Retirement will not change anything for me--it will actually be much harder. DH is deaf and wears hearing aids with music or talk radio piped in all day, he doesn't even listen to me at all any more. I'm lonely already and angry---I try to talk retirement plans with him and he ignores me. we have a house with about 40 stairs in it and I am TIRED of running up and down them all day.

We do have an appt with our finance guy soon and he will HAVE to listen to him. Hopefully I can call him first and explain my concerns and be listened to.
It's not like he doesn't 'get it'! His own mother is 90 and just crazy---he sees her and is fearful he will be the same--and I worry he will be that way too.

Good question needhelpwithmom!!! I’m almost 58 and my husband turned 63 in November. He literally just retired on Black Friday November 29th!! He was going to stay till December 31st but my husbands company that he works for, got bought out by another company on December 1st. They had to go through the whole process again of rehiring everybody and give out new badges and new uniforms etc. and they weren’t going to go through all the trouble if he was leaving in just 4 weeks! Needless to say he is on cloud nine. I don’t blame him. He is good about going to the doctors every 6 months. He is on cholesterol medicine because his father died at age 59. I keep telling my husband to read and use his memory when he is retired now. His own mother had dementia at the end. I always tell my husband if you get dementia you are going into a home!! We laugh about it. I wouldn’t want to put him in a facility. I think I would keep him home with me for as long as I possibly could. It’s hard to think about. We have married for 35 years and I keep asking him how did you get so old??? He says to me how did you get so old??? But we chuckle about because we thought we were going to stay young forever!!! It’s hard. I think communication is key. You have to talk to each other about it.