A piece of advise from the current me to the me of the past two plus years (and to anyone miserable with their current situation..)

Thank you for the letter. I may need it in the future. And good for you!!!! SMILE!!!

anyone can say yes or no but a good sense of proportion seperates the leaders from the followers. it sounds like you cared for your mother at home as long as there was QOL there. with her mobility problems and memory problems the QOL is probably going to be better in an institutionalized setting now. her happiness has to be balanced with your stress and misery too. one shouldnt have it all at someone elses peril either imo. i think you made a good decision for everyone involved and instead of guilt i hope you feel good about the years that you sacrificed for her benefit.

Very much enjoyed what you had to say.

I too made a promise to my dad once that he would never have to go into a nursing home unless he became bed-bound. I broke that promise. Which do I regret more? The fact that I made that promise to begin with or that I've beaten myself to death for breaking it. Either way I've tortured myself emotionally as a result.

I had to smile when you wrote about rushing out the door and taking a vacation that your mom never knew about. When my dad lived with me I just stopped socializing because I would have to take him with me.

And as you said, things sure got worse after that.

Thanks again for your letter, Karen. It was very much appreciated. :-)

You know eyerishlass, just like one cannot be expected to keep promises if they are incompetent (for lack of a better word)-legally and morally - I say the same goes for promises kept to people in situattions where you did not understand what was actually being promised -what was actually involved. You were, in fact , incompetent , at that time to make that promise thus should not feel bound by it. IMHO! I mean this nicely, my friend. you did right by your Dad.

WELL SAID MiskaM!! Very well said.
My brother in law had the nerve to tell me that 'my break' was the 3 weeks my MIL was in rehab/swing bed. Guess what I did during that time? Visited her every day - because there was always something she needed from home and I cleaned her entire apt top to bottom including cleaning her pantry and fridge and throwing out 7 year old canned goods. Did she thank me? To this day she remembers and tells others that I threw out her things - even mementos that were gifts from her sister and mother!! Didn't throw out a thing except old food! Go figure. She probably gave the stuff away to someone who came to visit. She has never given me a thing - after all, I STEAL WHAT I WANT, right?

Just remember - no one will save us but US. Her needs are being met and now, so are yours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting ourselves on the list too.

I'm nearing this point too. It's so hard. I read an article the other day called, "Abandoned". It was about how people drop out of your life when you begin to take care of a loved one. So sad,

AndreaAnn - that is EXACTLY what happens. Part of it is that when we DO see someone we DUMP on them and they get tired of hearing - one reason why AC is so good! Another - especially where family is concerned - 'out of sight, out of mind' and if they stay out of YOUR sight - they hope they will also stay out of your MIND.

In the 8 years since their mother has been with us - her other two children have visited a total (this is combined) of 6 times - SIX LOUSY VISITS IN 8 YEARS! All it did for me was make more work - had to clean and cook for company! One kid did have her stay one week - but it took me two months to get everything arranged - I was a basket case by then. Also had to fly with her down and back and guess who got to deal with her diarrhea on the way home?

Her other DIL's have NEVER CALLED, NEVER SENT A GET WELL CARD - NO FLOWERS - NOTHING - NADA - IN 8 YEARS!
So, get over your guilt! You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have done your best and that is all a person can do. Do we need to lose our health too? Sadly, I found this out a bit too late to save my health - but I am nursing it along and have decided that MY needs are just as important as those of my MIL. My hubby finally agrees. One person on this site - somewhere - said - BE AT ATTENTIVE BYSTANDER - or something like that. Don't just forget you have a mom - but you can be a companion again and FEEL DEEP DOWN that you WANT TO again. Do this for both of you.

Thanks! oldcodger2. I feel alone and I do dump on my siblings sometimes that I need help so you are right it's what keeps them away. AC is a good way to vent so thanks for responding it means a lot in this lonely journey.

Perfect.Thank you for sharing:))Such familiar feelings.

EXCELLENT!

So much pain so much love. What I take away from this is DO NOT MAKE PROMISES however much you love or don't love the person. I could never have cared for my mother and God was good I never had to. It has taken me over thirty years to admit I didn't like her.

OH yeah....know exactly how everyone feels...and I've only been at this a few months. I hate myself for feeling the way I do, but I have no life now and I know it's only going to get worse. I'm caring for my husband who is 17 yrs older than me. Age didn't make a difference 30 years ago but it sure does now. How foolish I was!

To oldcodger2, boy oh boy, have I been there! I am hysterical reading your missive about how you "threw out her things" when you threw out ancient food items that probably would have made your Mom sick. I experienced the EXACT SAME THING after moving in with my Mom. As much as I feel for you, I must admit some gratification that I'm not the only one. In addition to that, her fridge was so disgusting, I became seriously ill with vomiting and fever after cleaning it out, probably some virus or fungus, that's how long it had been since anyone cleaned it. While I was doing that, she was out with my brother and his kids, playing with them at a park for several hours. This, after telling me she was "too old" to clean anything, and "too poor" to hire a maid. I am bedridden myself several days a month with chronic pain. Did I get thanks? Appreciation? No. I was screamed at for "throwing away her things." Huh? And when I was in too much pain to get dressed to greet my brother, his wife, and my nephews afterwards, I was made out to be a nasty blue meanie who doesn't let her nephews in the house. In truth, I was too embarassed because I was dirty, smelly, and un-made-up. I am also balding, and was too tired to put my wig on. Where is my brother, who lives close by, in all this? Good question. Thank you for making me feel less alone, and making me able to laugh about it.

Thank you! I share some of your experiences and the guilt and being manipulated, but Mom will not live with me. Thanks for helping me - all of us - remember that we too deserve a life.

It's so nice to know you are not alone in this living hell. It's also nice to remember you DO have a choice in your own happiness. Thanks Y'all, this site is a life saver for me.

Yep, really good to hear that there are others in the same boat. I have NEVER felt so un appreciated in my life. Sad state of affairs. Been at it three years with no end in sight. I too have written a letter to myself to be given to me on my 80th birthday (God willing) to remind me that my children are trying to help and not to act like an ungrateful person. It's a LONG letter, LOL! Hugs to all!

Each one of your comments above are excellent!! I do agree this is probably the only place to vent and release what is happening in our lives. NO ON can fix it or make things go back the way they were - but I see that we can help each other through these very trying times!! We HAVE to make time for ourselves - our lives and health demand that we do!! :-) Maybe if we vent here, we can smile at our family and friends, without dumping! Our precious close friends are asking to help, sometimes - we have to learn how to let them. That can be the hardest part. Give and receive.
Hugs and Smiles to each of you!!! Thank you Karen for sharing your awesome letter to all of us...and everyone's responses!!! We are NOT alone!

You are so right. Twice in the last 2 weeks someone has asked how * I * am doing...a rare occurrence, and both times I broke out in full blown tears. Thank God we have each other!

Good for YOU, Karen!!! WhooHoo!
You learned so much in a few years, huh? And you are very young! I'll bet you will continue to feel younger and happier every day. Past the guilt, the what ifs, the rationalizing. I am proud of you for Making the Decision to Live your Own Life and still continue to be a Loving Daughter, and a caregiver to your Mom. Blessings:)

Wow. You and I must be twins. The BEST THING I EVER DID for both of us was find a suitable Assisted Living Facility. Before neither of us were happy. Now at least one of us is!

KarenP hit the mark! It was as if she was telling my story...except my mother still lives in her own apartment. As long as I don't SEE all the crazy things she does, I can get a little stress relief.

Wow!! I am speechless at all of the comments here. Thanks everyone for your responses. I truly did feel very isolated and alone in my caregiving for my mother.

I really wish I had done this sooner! I still do lots of things for my mother like doctor's visits, hair appointments, bill paying, being an advocate for her and a myriad of other things too. What on earth made me think that I could do all of that AND have her live with me 24/7? Optimism? Hope? Guilt? A sense of responsibility? Probably those things and a lot more.

Now I see my mother when I want to. No, I have not abandoned her and NEVER will. I see her probably about 3 to 4 times a week for a total of about 10 hours a week. A dramatic decrease from the 54 I HAD to do. Now I do want I WANT to do.

I remember actually missing my mother too. Oh not the stranglehold missing, but the wow, she isn't here missing, so I went to see her. And when I left, I was able to do things I wanted to do too.

kamkim, you are right we must be twins! Neither me nor my mom were happy. And sadly, she still isn't. But guess what? I am happy. I am joyous. I have a life ahead of me.

Before I was filled with resentment, anger and frustration. I hated the sound of my mother getting out of bed because that meant I was on the caregiving clock.
I hated being with her ALL of the time. Draining. Sad, but I hated being with her.

Now? My heart is alive. The stress I had incurred had actually affected my memory. That's gone now. I have it back. My house was a mess. Now I'm trying to clean it. My job was mom. Now I want to start my own business.

And I love my mother more now than I did before. I look forward to seeing her.
I feel my daughter-mother connection back with her.

To those who are overburdened and stressed and are able to change it. PLEASE PLEASE change it..You will likely love both yourself AND your mother more when you do!!

Thanks to all for your comments hear on Karenp letter. I see myself in a lot of what you all wrote. I have, too, gone into Mom's cupboards and thrown away canned good that had expired in 2006!!! Then I found cans that had no expiration date on them, so you can imagine how old they were! I threw away two FULL paper grocery bags full of outdated canned goods. I explained to my Mom that she would get sick if she ate these things. She reluctantly agreed and "let" me throw them away, but I knew in her mind she thought I was "wasting" food. Yeesh! When I go and visit her (and my brother who lives with her and is MINIMALLY involved with her day to day care), I NEVER eat anything from her fridge. She really doesn't cook from scratch anymore, but generally eats frozen dinners or my brother will take her out to eat (which is good). She takes all of her daily meds correctly because I have made out a daily "check off" chart for her to use.

I try to visit weekly but it's just so frustrating to go over the same things again and again and she doesn't want to change to make her quality of life better. Any suggestions I make fall on deaf ears (both hers and my brother's). My Dad died 4 1/2 years ago and he would do or take my mother anywhere (locally) she wanted to go anytime she wanted to go. Now she has to beg my brother to do anything around the house or the least little thing she asks for. He'll do it for her EVENTUALLY but not at the time she asks. Sometimes it's something that would only take him 2 minutes to do, but he crabs and whines about it like an 8-year old (he's 63). So, you guessed it. When I come over for a visit, she wants me to do all the little things he won't do for her. It's generally not a pleasant visit then, because I end up feeling resentful that he isn't doing more and crabbing at him to get off his a$$ and do stuff for her. It's SO frustrating, I want to scream! I have to remember to take a Xanax before I go over there so I don't want to shoot myself (figuratively)! My sister, who lives closer to my mother than I do (like 1 1/2 miles away) RARELY ever comes over. She's useless, too. Another frustrating thing for me. At least my brother is a "warm body" to live there with her 24/7 to at least keep a MINIMAL eye on her. My husband put extra handrails around her house because still wants to climb the stairs to do "stuff" around the house. She's stubborn that way. She won't ask my brother to help her anymore (get her stuff from upstairs or in the basement) because she's tired of his whining about it. Have I talked to him about this whining? You bet. It just goes in one ear and out the other. Have I talked to my sister about going over and visiting Mom more often? Yep. Again, in one ear and out the other. Ugh!! So the old woman (84 years old) goes down the basement and upstairs bedroom stairs BACKWARDS so she doesn't fall holding on to the railings with both hands! I can't be there 24/7 (like my brother is) and I know one of these days she's going to fall and end up in the ER or worse. Assisted living --- she won't go --- again stubborn and has the unreal notion that Medicare will pay for it. She doesn't need skilled nursing. Have an aide come in, you say? Nada. Nope. Won't go for it.

Finally, one Christmas, my niece (only child of my sister) bought my mother a maid service for a couple of house cleanings. My brother won't even run the vacuum!! My 84-year old mother was trying to get down on her hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor like she'd done all her life. I told brother, "Mom can't do that anymore! You're going to have to pay for a maid service to come over her twice a month to wash the floors, vacuum the rugs and clean the sinks, bathroom, etc." He's retired now and you better believe he's paying for the service. I told him I have my own home to clean. I'm not gonna clean my Mom's house, too, especially when he doesn't lift a finger to help her keep it clean. She and my Dad never forced my brother to do anything (because they called him stupid all his life) and enabled him. Now he doesn't do anything! She still goes up and down the basements stairs to do his laundry! She won't teach him how to do it or let him anywhere near the washing machine! Aaaacccckkk! (That's me screaming -- LOL).

They basically are both enablers to each other and I have to keep my distance or I'll mentally go over the edge. I know when my Mom passes away, he's going to fall apart and end up living in his own filth. Did I tell you he never takes a shower, brushes his teeth, and wears the same clothes every day? And no, he does NOT have the beginning stages of Alzheimers or dementia. That's just the way he is and was brought up by Depression-era parents. He was the first born and only boy. Bathing wasn't a priority in our household growing up. I don't know how my sister and I ended up showering daily -- go figure. Again, they never made him do anything. Thank God for summer coming. Everytime I visit over there, I open ALL the windows to let the fresh air in! My mother keeps the house drum tight because she's "cold" (normal elderly complaint) all the time. The house reeks of body odor. I don't know how the maid service stands it when they're there for a couple of hours.

So thank you to everyone who writes and vents. I'm so grateful for this site, I can't tell you.

I hope your brother pays all the bills...sounds like a mooch to me. Sorry if that's harsh, but I had a BIL who lived with his Mother, too. Never lifted a finger to do a thing. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

I feel trapped, exhausted and without hope in my situtation. I am caring for my mother who turns 83 this year and has multiple problems: stroke-2003 and in wheelchair and up to a couple of years ago was ok but the start of Parkenson, the diabates, incontience, arthritis and breaking an ankle ahs me doing everything plus the house. On top of this, I lost my job years ago, and despite caring for ehr 24/7, went to school and graduated suma cum laude with my BS degree and still cant find work, We are in forclosure on top of everything else and I don't sleep more than 4 hours a night due to worries and keeping one ear open in case she needs me. Putting hr in a home, if I could find one we could afford, without her books and all, she would not last a month. Don't know how long I can keep this up, my own health ahs dropped and with no med insurance and no money for meds, my own diabetes has reared its head. A job would solve problems but I fear I wil lose the house soon-her insurences do not cover home visits and I feel trapped with no way out short of aranging an 'accident' so my mother could live on my life insurance, but no one to care for ehr and the loss of me, on top of the loss of the rest of my family already (dad 1989, older brother at age 40 in 1995) would send her over the edge so that is out. I just needed a place to vent so thank you for listening....thank you...mark

I'm sure many of us, share your frustration. That however does not give one the excuse to abandon those in our care. If she is better off in a nursing home, then so be it. Otherwise I would never put someone in that situation. I have a cousin who is suffering severe depression over the guilt she has, for putting her Mom in a NH. I am an only male child, yet I will care for my own mother, for as long as I can. It's been six years already and at 65 I don't have that much of a life to look forward to. I also can't bring back the last six years!

I am exactly where you were. I could have written this myself. Thanks for the insite.

I can relate to so much of this. Now my Mom "thrives" on one pain after another; pain is real, she takes mild pain meds, refuses strong medication. Arthritis, inactivity because of being such a fall risk, and no more PT left as a benefit. Has no concern or respect for anyone else in pain (even those in more pain than herself. I only visit her in public areas of the nursing since she always starts a verbal fight if we are alone (she never does this when others are around). I make sure she has what she needs, I keep in touch with all the staff, and I don't care they think she is demanding but mostly a "nice" old lady. They have not seen how she has treated people close to her, especially my Dad once he developed dementia. He was loving to her for over 50 years and she treated him like someone who should bend to her way of doing everything. I don't let her do that to me and that is why she tries and tries to get more attention from me in any negative way she can come up with on a daily basis. I will always make sure she is taken care of and not mistreated, but same goes for myself and my husband.

Been caring for my mother for 10+ years. Recently she suffered a massive stroke. All she can do is feed herself. I dress, groom, bathe, toilet her. Its a 24/7 job. It is stressful. I get no help from my siblings. I also have mom's 95 year-old sister living with us. She is hard of hearing, messy, can't see well and has questionable hygiene habits. I get 20 hours a week help from women from a local church. Its cheaper than assisted living, and it keeps mom in her own home. It keeps her engaged, and it ensures she is cared for. She was in a skilled nursing facility for 3 months. It was one of the better ones in the area. I spent 12 hours a day there, and what I saw made me realize that there was never any way that any loved one of mine would spent one day in a place like that. After mom's rehabilitation was complete I brought her home, and this is where she will stay.
Its a tough job yes. But when I wake up in the morning I decide that either it will get the best of me, or I will get the best of it.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!...but especially to KarenP and help2day your 5.8.13 posts were the best. I am so very grateful for this 'sounding board forum'. I wish I had discovered it a year and a half ago (before my Mother's issues contributed to my hair falling out & the balance turning gray from stress) Each day gets a little bit better. I just have to work on not being angry with or resentful toward my siblings who could help out more..but don't. That part is hard for me because I 'm having trouble turning off the negative thoughts about them. I want to be able to do what I do for Mom and not focus so much on what "they're not doing" to help out. I would appreciate tips from anyone also experiencing these feelings...by the way KarenP, your brother sounds like he has undiagnosed dementia..or could it be depression? just a thought..again thanks all for letting me vent, things haven't changed but I can see some light...