Follow
Share

I'm so angry and frustrated that I yearn for the day she comes back so I can give her a piece of my mind! I'm just gonna give a quick background: Since 2018 I (23F) am taking care of my dad (79M), I'm his only child and since he and my mom divorced I came to live in another city with her. When he got sick in 2018, none of his siblings told me anything about it (including him) despite me talking regularly on the phone with him. They hid it from me (and later of course blamed me 'for not caring about him). When I found out he wasn't even walking and was bedridden for at least a couple months (and in a very bad shape because his siblings weren't even taking properly care of him - they didn't cut his hair or nails, he had deep bedsore wounds, was constantly in pain, very thin, they didn't even change his sheets for 3-4 days, horrible horrible situation) I flew to the city he lived and after 3 long and arduous months of caring for him, doing physiotherapy and managing to get him slightly better (and not thanks to my uncooperative uncles and aunts) I decided to bring him to live with me. That started a huge fight with one of my uncles and this other aunt and I basically had to argue with them on a daily basis so they could leave me alone. They hardly helped and I was never too much close with my dad's side of the family as most of them are just horrible people.
Moving forward a bit. My dad came to live with me and he only has a sister living in my town (my dad has like 7 siblings). I never asked for money or any help from them also because they didn't even want to help me taking care of my dad. When we arrived here, this aunt never looked for us. Or any other family he has. But they all knew he was living here with me. Last year in February she finally looked for us (after we were already living here for 6 months) and started 'visiting' (coming 1 day in two weeks or sometimes even 1 month). The problem is, every time she comes to visit she would talk bad things about me behind my back to the woman who also helps me take care of my dad. My aunt doesn't have the courage to say anything in front of me. I don't know if my aunt's really that stupid and thinks she never tells me anything or she does this on purpose bc she knows the woman will tell me. Maybe to get a reaction out of me or something. For an entire year I always knew she badmouthed me saying things like "I'm killing my dad" and "we're letting him go hungry" and "he's gonna die bc we don't give him food" etc and many things she makes up in that crazy head of hers, and I never said anything to her indicating I knew of the things she keeps saying behind my back. I always avoided any kind of confrontation with her but now I'm done.
My dad always helped his siblings even well into adulthood as he is their oldest brother and always felt the need to 'take care of them' even more than he even took care or worried about me. He never sees anything bad his brothers and sisters do and always defended them, even before he had dementia. So he's also kinda useless into this and always plays into the things his sister makes up leaving us almost always in a bad environment after she comes to visit. And she keeps doing this ALWAYS. She doesn't help with anything about taking care of him, always runs away when we need to do things like bathing him and changing his diapers but somehow loves to criticize everything. I never asked her for a penny, not to pay any meds or even when my dad was in the hospital. Also, I really don't consider these people my family honestly. They've only tried to sabotage me and fight with me and always make up false stories and spread to the whole family. I'm done taking it as if I'm committing a huge crime and that's starting with this b*tch I call 'aunt'. Next time she comes to my house I'm seriously gonna give her a piece of my mind because I don't owe nothing to anyone and she doesn't pay my bills!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Can you stay in the room with them when she visits? The bad comments would end I'm thinking.
(2)
Report

I feel for you. I know and completely understand what you are going thru. Unfortunately even if you confront her she will never admit to any wrong doing, and will never have the courage to say anything to your face. Best thing to do is ban her from your home, no need for a court order to start with, your home, she's not welcome and if she insists that she is allowed to enter calmly phone police and have her no trespassed. If she shows again she can be arrested. By having her no trespassed it also shows any unfounded aps reports are out of spite on her part. MIL moved into my home, youngest daughter whom I have named the spawn of satan has been a PITA since I started dating and later marrying her brother 40 years ago. Many times I have told her that if she had something to say to me, say it to my face. Needless to say after MIL passed SOS screwed up and attempted to treat and speak to my husband the way she does me, after realizing what she did and to whom she stated I know it's not you, it's her, going as far as telling him l should not attend MIL burial service because I wasn't blood so one of her friends could go instead. Little did she know she was on speaker phone at the time. Now neither one of us has a need or desire to speak to her. He got angry, couldn't believe her attitude at which I just smiled sweetly at DH and told him welcome to my world for the past 40 years...he finally asked why I hadn't knocked her teeth out years ago. 2 reasons, 1st it would've upset his mother, 2nd is because I could've hurt my hand on her face she's not worth the trouble. She will die a lonely, angry, old lady, not my monkey not my circus. I will never need to interact or see her again in my lifetime. Caregiving is hard enough without toxic people interfering. If you choose to allow aunty dear to visit invest in a baby cam that way you can monitor if dad needs you and allows you to ensure aunt's actions and conversations are appropriate. If not, Sorry,I really need to cut your visit short, it's time for his lunch, diaper change, meds, insert excuse. Good luck, you're not going to change her, only the way you chose to deal with her.
(2)
Report

Next time your Aunt comes to your house tell her you are calling the police for "trespassing" on your property (and do call them if she does not leave). Google the trespassing laws in your state as in most states trespassing is ILLEGAL.

That should scare your Aunt. I find it's better to use the legal system compared to using our emotions.

Good luck! Jenna
(4)
Report

Firstly, does Dad WANT to see his sister? Were they close? If he does, find a way to have her visit but with some rules.

Start with some smaller boundaries. Then build up.

Does the Aunt call prior to visiting or just turn up? Be polite but firm: "please call before you visit to ensure the day/time suits us too". A very reasonable request.

Then you know when she is coming. You can be around, maybe not in the same room, but home. Close enough to wind the visit up when you think Dad's tiring etc. If you do hear any bad talk, call her aside, tell her if she has something to say to you, she can say it TO you.

If she is rude, tell her politely & firmly that this is not acceptable & not helpful to Dad either. Ask what specific problems she has with his care. Listen & just maybe you can explain? She may have some wrong ideas about his care. Of course she might be a loud bossy know-it-all in which case ignore all she says! Honestly, ignore what she says. Who cares what she thinks of you, right?

Now if Dad does not want her to visit... tell her that & shut the door.
(3)
Report

I agree with the other comments. She should not be allowed into your home. Do what ever it takes.
(4)
Report

Im so sorry you have to go through this i feel your pain i to have been treated like im always the bad daughter the one that gets blamed for every thing because of my sybling she is devious sneaky a lier jealous and just evil.Stay strong and speak up for your self always never let your dads family control you they are just angry they cant control you because you are nothing like them.Good luck speak up at the very moment some thing that is being talked about you dont agree with and keep a daily journal of every day ( time and day year.I truly feel your pain.
(2)
Report

I would simply tell her that her visits are toxic and she is not welcome unless she can keep her opinions of you to herself and her behavior in line.
The law is on your side as long as you continue to properly care for your father. You can cut these people off! The nastiness of their behavior will only bring everyone down in an already difficult situation. I say give her the final warning shot, if she doesn't want to keep her opinions to herself and act like a lady, she can find someone else to visit.
(3)
Report

I have found confronting these type of people does no good. They think they are right and just try to turn it back on you.

Your house you can refuse her entrance. So next time she calls tell her she is no longer welcome in "ur" home. Same thing when she shows up the door. Ghost her. If she threatens you with APS (Adult protection services) tell her bring it on. You have an employee who she has tried to slander you to.
(6)
Report

Good for you!
(2)
Report

In my experience--sometimes you have to go 'legal' on people, family or no.

File a restraining order on Evil Aunt. Let her be served with the papers stating she cannot come within XX many feet of your dad, and you.

And then make sure it's enforced. Dad doesn't need this toxic soul in his life.

You don't even need to talk to her. With dad's dementia, he won't remember and probably would be happier to not have her in his life.

Some people are just mean.

You are doing great, taking in a sick old man and caring for him. Sounds like his family is a hot mess. You don't owe them anything and you can shut them out of your life. You have enough on your plate.
(7)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter