The Problem of Loneliness with Aging Can be Managed


Loneliness can affect anyone, but because of inevitable losses, some loneliness is built into the aging process. As I watched my 90-year old grandparents grieve the loss of many friends, I had to wonder how much fun it is to be the last one standing. My parents faced much the same situation. Mom, who once loved getting Christmas cards, found that not only did the number of cards she received dwindle, the ones that she did get often contained sad news of death or disease. As she and many other older folks have said, "aging isn't for sissies."

While loneliness didn't seem to contribute to early death in my family, the loss of friends, and eventually spouses, likely contributed to their failing health. University of California San Francisco researchers recently published an analysis of a study conducted by the National Institute on Aging. The researchers concluded that loneliness can be debilitating to older adults and may predict serious health problems and even death. The study also found that being married wasn't a guarantee against loneliness.

Lonely in a crowd

One can be lonely in a marriage. One can be lonely in a crowd. It's all about the quality of the relationships. People living in assisted living facilities and nursing homes are often lonely. While they live among plenty of people, these are not the people they've built their life around. They lack the intimacy of close relationships built over time. Good staff members work with people to help them feel needed and at home, but they can't heal the mounting wounds of lost personal relationships.

Aging at home or in a facility?

Most people say they want to stay in their own homes as they age. For many, with proper support, this works. But there are exceptions, and my mother-in-law was one of those exceptions. Living alone in her condominium, even with my daily visits she'd become fearful and introverted. She drew her curtains and wouldn't talk to people. She became paranoid in the extreme. Once we moved her to an excellent nursing home, she bloomed. From the moment we entered the door and she was greeted by one of the nursing home staff, she relaxed. I believe that she finally felt safe. The staff encouraged her to play the piano once again, something she hadn't done for years. She sat with a special group at meals. She had found her home and never looked back.

Feeling useful

Healthy elders can often help their peers who are less fortunate. They can deliver Meals On Wheels, join the Retired Senior Volunteer Program or volunteer for hospice or other worthy organizations. Even elders who are less vigorous can still be encouraged to volunteer. If they can see well enough, they may be able to read a book to a grandchild or a group of preschoolers. They may want to become a foster grandparent. If elders live in a facility and can still walk well, they could push the wheelchair of less mobile friend when they go to the dining room for meals. Often, they can assist in decorating for the holidays, or take treats to other residents. If an elder feels he or she can contribute to the wellbeing of the group, the burden of loneliness can feel lighter.

Being heard

Our elders have a lifetime of stories to relate. Some people need no encouragement to talk, but others need to be drawn out. If family members or staff actively listen to the elders tell stories of their past, the elders may feel more like they still are part of an active life. This type of validation can help blunt the sharp edge of loneliness.

Just as the physical part of aging must be dealt with, so must the emotional side. We can't protect our loved ones against the pain of losing a spouse or lifelong friend. As a reality, some loneliness becomes inevitable as people experience a dwindling number of contemporaries.

We can look for ways to help people interact with others and to feel truly useful. We can listen when they feel like talking. We can show our love through touch and eye contact. If you know someone who is lonely, pick up the phone or stop in to visit. Bring a treat. Then ask questions, showing your interest. You can't change reality, but you can but you can help manage one of the important issues surrounding aging – at least for awhile.

Carol Bradley Bursack

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Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen, "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.

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Thank you for this wonderful article, I to am 82 and live in a condo and feel very lonely at times. It helps to know others are lonely and lost also, even though we have children, they don't understand because they are not our age yet, thank goodness!!!Caroline
Carol: You've raised some import factors about our existence that are so often ignored. Many seniors will die never realizing their true potential. As you've pointed out young people need to "draw out" their older connections by interacting with them in meaningful ways. See my article "On Loneliness" in my newsletter.thanks
Has anyone else out there tried to work full time and be a sole caregiver. I know I didn't do things right, but at the time, it seemed like I was handling it all. Mom ended up with shingles this spring and although I had shortened my hours and was coming home at noon everyday to give her lunch over the last two years, I feel terribly guilty to see that it seems everyone was doing 24/7 or having additional help come in. I never had a chance to review these blogs or get counseling while things were happening. My life was busy every single minute. I loved Mom more than life itself and should have been here for her every minute. Now she is gone and I can't go back and re-do it, but also can't find a way to live with the guilt and regret.