How do I get my mom to understand I need to bring my own items and have some privacy when I move in with her and dad?

Fortunately the sister-in-law with dementia after surgery for a brain tumor refused to live with anybody; and we knew that moving her would push her over the edge.
The thing we had to remember is that she could NOT learn anything--her ability to make new memory was gone. There was not a whole lot anybody could do except to get a home care person to get her meals and generally keep things up as well as possible. She fell once, and was found by a neighbor; but wound up back home after she rehab. Her daughter took her in but she kept trying to leave and walk home (60 miles). I will admit she was one of the very few people that I would lose patience with; she would keep asking the same impossible thing over and over and over...the key was that nothing got through to her. Finally she was found in her home by her daughter one morning. As frustrating as it was, it was merciful that she was finally at peace.
Sometimes people do change for the better if they reach a point where they forget their most annoying behaviors, but just remember that people with memory issues do not learn, so the odds are that they will not change their attitudes.

Not sure if people remember my laments from 2 years ago when I sold my condo, put my things in storage and moved into my childhood home. BAD IDEA! I had zero privacy, was treated like I was a kid again (where are you going, who is calling you so late --after 8pm mind you -- what time are you coming home, etc). I was miserable! Ashlynn is wrong, however, you can get your life back--I did! After 6 months of feeling I was a captive in a small bedroom with no privacy, alone time, I moved into a small 1 bdroom apt nearby. Ahhhh...I can eat when I want, get phone calls at 10pm or later if I want, sleep in, sit on my own couch. Yeah, I had to buy furniture again but it was so worth my sanity! My mother was controlling, always has been. But now, I can leave after a visit. I'm not her captive anymore. When she starts in and gets on my nerves, its "see ya" and off I can go to my own place, my own tv and my own bed. Do not make this mistake! I am 1 mile away from them. Find a small place like I did and be near but not living with her. Good luck

A live-in interloper. Does that make sense to anyone? Stay where you are. Let them make other arrangements.

Even if one's parents had a lot of money, it would have been difficult for them to leave a non-elder friendly house where the mortgage was paid, and move into a retirement facility where they would need to pay rent and HOA fees every month.

And speaking of not wanting to use their own money, I use to have to run my parents all over hill and dale for appointments, shopping, CPA, haircuts, you name it, and take time off work to do so, plus use their car which I disliked driving with a passion.... it use to irritate me to no end because my parents could have afford to hire someone to drive them :P So much resentment on that part because I developed major panic attacks while driving during all those years, and to this day because of that my driving range is just one or two miles.

I wish we could have moved our folks directly from the farm to AL. However, Dad really intended to die out there. He was the one who ended up with an Alzheimers type of dementia. Mom's has been the garden variety type, but very real, just the same. After the farm sold, it took over a year for them to buy a house in town. They lived there for almost 2 years before it was truly necessary to get them into AL. So much moving was hard on Mom, but it could not be helped. If you can find an AL or a Facility that has a graduated type of care, that will be best for them. Our folks really resisted someone even coming in to do some cleaning, or mow the lawn or whatever, b/c they did not want to put out the bucks. If they would have done that, they likely could have stayed at the house in town longer.! Oh Well. Now they pay their money to the AL and neither of them realizes how much it is. Maybe that is a good thing. I know I would have had a much harder time with FOG, (fear, obligation and guilt) if it had not been for my reliance on Jesus and His Word that says He is always with us!! God Bless you in whatever you all decide!

Please don't do this. Help them find the help they need or the appropriate place for them to live comfortably. You will all be trying to prolong an inevitable decline and honestly, there doesn't seem to be anything in this for you. The feeling that you "should" help will be quickly overcome by the feelings of no breaks, no other recourse, no appreciation, no end in sight to the daily tasks of being a caregiver versus the compassionate daughter. Please don't do this.

You are going to have to take care of these folks at some point in your life, but I will tell you from experience....put off the inevitable as long as you can. Hire help, do what you must... because once you are stuck in the high chair? There is not getting out until the end. I'll let you know how that comes out when I reach it. Can you find a place to live within 5 minutes of them? Is there room for a 'travel trailer' or something like that on their property?

Pheonix, your right, it is the little things! I'm generally very even tempered, but the silly things my FIL does, drives my husband around the bend! I tell him to go out and do something, leave your Dad to me, but he continues to get lathered up, until he explodes on him, and then, like your Mum, the Old Man will become quiet, and either ask directly for what he wants, or becomes very generous with his, money, as a way to apologize, as he can never come right out with an apology, as nothing is ever His Fault! Typical Narcissist! Grr!

I wonder... I wonder... how many of us ladies here are menopausal???... All of us???...
it is really: MEN - OH - PAWS !!!

Ha, your post, Phoenix, well the epilogue made me LOL ! And that is hard to do lately for me!!!

WHOAH!!!

M88

Hahaha. I know it wasnt funny at the time but how well it work is. I also like very short hair & when having hot flashes would threaten to shave my head, which would get my mom all excited too:o) What is it with old women & hair?

Well she finally pushed my buttons just one step too far. It was always coming - we knew that - at least we on here did and sure enough just one set of vitriol and attempt to control too far and ping my elastic broke! It was over something trivial - it always is - the big things you sort of course....it's the little things that get you. Take note wondering because if you don't start as you mean to go on this could be you.

I have been growing my hair for a photo shoot with grandson and the rest of the family but I prefer it in a very short crop as in like a number 4 all over (if you have that type of hair razor over there) So all I said was I can't wait for it to be cropped again.
You are not to have it cut.......
excuse me this is my body my hair and if I want to shed my head bald I will.
Not while you live in my house you won't.
Well that's easily rectified I will just pack and then I will call social services - the flat is all set up and there is a room for someone to live in - find your own carer because I am done with your bad manners, your temper and your p155y attempts at controlling my every move.

All went very very quiet. It took about 30 of the longest minutes in the world but she did apologise and she is starting to do all the things I have asked her to do like actually asking me to do things rather than use the manipulative method.

Rather than saying its cold in here isn't it she asked me to turn the heating up or get her a blanket
Rather than saying I haven't got any sweets in this tin....she asked me if I could fill her tine again

These are the most trivial of things and when she eventually can't ask I would do it automatically because I would write it down to check I have done it, but while she can ask this method drives me insane and raises by blood pressure faster than anything else I can think of (apart from the day she pooped in my car)

Pheonix, thank God you have your safe place, at the very least! Your Mum is a bugger to get along with, but I know that you are strong enough to do the right thing should you get to that place emotionally and mentally. Don't let her break your spirit! I Love you Dearly my Friend!

Thats very generous Send but I have it far better than a lot I am just weaker than they but this is my sanctuary - my special place where I feel safe xxxxx

Wondering,
Listen to Phoenix daughter, she knows. So glad she showed up here to offer what was so very generous of her! We could not do any of this without her, and so many like her, who take their experience to help others. It is not a small thing.

I agree, do not take care of your mother, you will break long before she passes!! Get professionals to take care her..it's a must, you will not survive taking care of her, just imagine how exhausting it was to take care of your children after they were first born, or if you have no children, please ask some one who has because it's going to be worse than that for you if you take care of your mother..if you feel quilty, take a deep breathe and get over it..visit your mom and then go home to your peace and quiet..I'm in my 70's and take care of my adult special needs daughter, I love her deeply, but my mind and body are giving up from aging and my own illness. Please don't do this to your self, your mother will be just fine..I will eventually have to give my daughter over to someone to take care of her, I've already had one trip to the ER from a mental, emotional, physical breakdown. It tears me apart just thinking about giving her over to professional strangers..it has to be done..

Ok I was a professional woman (senior management) I earned a great salary, I had a life that was good and holidays abroad twice a year to some pretty far flung places. I gave that up to look after 1 person - my mother. I now live on a pittance, have no life, no friends, no support, constant criticism, a manipulative mother who increasingly does not want to do anything, who says lovely things about me when I am not here to hear them, throws hot tea at me when she is p155ed off regularly throws her food in the bin or more often on the floor so she doesn't have to eat it.

Please please don't do this wondering. You will regret it more, far more, than you will ever regret not doing it trust me. As for your belongings if you really do feel beyond all doubt that you have to go (personally I would advise seeing a shrink first! joke) then it is like this mum either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call. If she argues (and she will) repeat either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call never ever say sorry mum but I have to bring my things. If your Mum is as controlling as she is sounding then you are in for the worst journey imaginable and if you have two to contend with then my angel you will break long before they do and I can tell you now your siblings will take one giant step back ...why because you are being paid to do it. I am not deriding them - there will just come a time when they won't understand the pressures you are under. 168 hours a week tied to the house? Your only connectivity to the outside world the internet the phone and an occasional trip out when you take them to the docs? Is that what you really want? because that's where I am and right now I am in such a dark place it is good I don't live in the USA because I might just bear arms against myself rather than continue....thats the reality.

I wouldn't move in!!! Get professional help..you will eventually wear yourself out if you move in...Suck it up and do not move, I know this is difficult now but will only get worse when you take over their careproviding.. even professional caregivers would wear out ,that's why there is a continual rotation of personal helpers.

Thank you all for your insight & advice. I will consider it all & keep you informed of changes.

wondering00, I agree with the other writers who said do NOT take FMLA.

I thought about doing that for my own parents and boy was I glad I didn't. A few months later I was diagnosed with cancer and I needed each and every day of the 90 day FMLA for surgery, treatment, and recovery..... as I had already used up all my vacation days and sick days. My job would have been given to someone else if I didn't have FMLA to help secure the position.

Stay where you are and just keep living your own life. Your mother is far too inflexible to deserve help from a loving and willing daughter. Unless you are destitute, I would not even consider giving up what you have at this moment. I guarantee you will regret moving in with your parents.

Lol, gladimhere! Yes, there has been some pretty salty talking on my moms part. The day we moved her to the nursing home she was throwing the F-bomb around left and right. My brothers and I were talking about making it a drinking game - F-bomb, take a shot - to survive the day!

Rain, I like salty talking! LOL!

And that should be salary talking not "salty talking". Sorry.

Lol, jeannegibbs! Just saw your post after I posted mine. Great minds think alike!

I'm a little late to this question - but I'll still add my two-cents. I've been seeing to it that my mother is recieving proper care for over five years now. Notice my wording there - "seeing to it", not DOING it all myself. I've made some good decisions and some bad ones over the years. The single best decision I made was to NEVER allow my mother to live with me. Pamstegma mentioned dementia. I agree. You know if your mother has always been like this - if so, it will only get worse. If it is dementia, it will only get worse. I got the double hit of mom always being self centered AND having dementia. Mom was never reasonable when it came to getting her own way - with the dementia, forget about it and you can too! When it came time to move my mom to a nursing home she demanded she come live with me and my family. After all - she paid for my house. WHAT??? Mom never contributed a dime towards my house - not a cent! But clearly she thought differently and as I explained that to her I could see the confusion on her face. Right now your mom is saying you don't need to be paid a salary because of her giving your free room and board. Right now she may be saying that to justify not paying you, pride keeping her from the truth or maybe it's the plain expense a salty talking. Maybe moms always been like this, maybe it's dementia - either way it will get worse and if deep down she knows the truth soon she won't be able to tell the difference. FORGET about reasoning with her later - I can be certain in my prediction that later she will be even less reasonable - and she will genuinely believe she is right. I almost had a complete breakdown trying the deal with my mother - don't put yourself st that same risk. If you must - move to your own new place near by, get and keep a new job - other than your parents, "see to it" that your parents are properly cared for. You have so many red flags waving in your face, it's amazing you can see to pack! No storage. Can't own your own frickin' mattress. No holes in the attic for Internet (when was the last time your mother was actually in the attic?). If you're a nurse your obviously a bright gal - OPEN YOUR EYES!

OMG

This just gets worse and worse. Your mother won't allow wires in her house so you can have internet, and yet somehow you think she is going to agree to pay you the equivalent of your salary, just because your siblings think it is a swell idea?

You think after they see how valuable you are then you can convince them to treat you fairly and with respect and set sound boundaries then. You are not even valuable enough to them to have a bicycle take up room in their garage. Seriously, how is this miraculous conversion of their attitudes going to come about?

You did not get through nursing school without a high level of intelligence. What is keeping you from applying that intelligence to this situation?

I had to go back and read your profile a couple of times to remember which of your parents has dementia. Has your mother been this narcissistic and controlling her entire life? Or is this new with age?

You mother has looked forward to AL for years. Focus your energy on making that happen for her.

It is a farm? Look up tiny house movement, in-law units-bring your own house with you.
You do not want to do this.

Hi Wondering,
Well, the comments have flooded your inbox. Pro's, Con's... more Con's obviously.
I do agree with not taking the FULL FMLA..........Right you might need FMLA later on in the year.
Take it as a one/two week trial run.
Don't tell mom how long you are staying............................................
The day before you come home, you tell her. Or tell dad to tell her.
By then, you will have lived thru 2 weeks of what is yet to come.
You have gone and investigated local Agency on Aging, Assisted Living facilities, gotten prices, bla bla bla..........take it as an investigative reporter trip.
See how much / if your siblings cooperate................
And then, you hit them with the paperwork you've gathered, call a family meeting and say: It is not doable for ONE person, be it ME, or YOU, or YOU or YOU!... Therefore.............here is what I propose, and this is where it is.
I am ______yrs. old, I have my job, I need to keep working until______so that I can get my 401k, my retirement pension, and my own ducks in a row for when I am in this very predicament.
IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE MY PARENTS AND YOU that I am here, doing this.

What do you all think?

For now, west coast of calif. time is 11:24pm, see you in the a.m.

M88

Put a deadbolt on your bedroom door, padding on the walls so they won't hear you screaming, it might concern or scare them in their old age.

I am wondering why in the world would you even consider this. Take vacation for a week, go and see how it is. Tell mom that a visit is the only way she is going to get you there with juty a suitcase!

I did this, moved in with mom and hubby, August 2011. I was there for four very long difficult years. I would think twice and be honest with yourself, siblings will not help. They get you there and low and behold siblings have too much going on and do not offer or even help when you need a few hours to yourself. Four years financially.

Stay where you are,