Mom asked me to move in with her & dad a couple months ago & I agreed but can't move for another month. Since then every thing I mention of bringing with me (my own mattress/springs, TV, photo albums, bicycle,...) she gets upset & says I don't need to bring those because she has a TV & bed I can use & she doesn't want to look at old photos!
They have a four bedroom house & she has designated one bedroom & one of their three bathrms for me to use. She also does not want me to put anything in their garage, attic, or any other rooms. I currently live alone in a three bedroom house.
This is the time that you sit down and have a serious discussion about how long you are staying, how much care you are willing to give (are you up for bathing, toileting, diaper changes...), and how you will be compensated for what you are giving up.
I strongly recommend you set up a caregiving contract and be paid, make allowances for pay increases as their needs increase. At the same time make sure their POAs are complete and that you are all on the same page about life extending procedures.
You might think all of that is overkill, but too many of us have jumped in to help our parents temporarily and find ourselves still there years later struggling with their care needs and facing a future of poverty. One thing is certain, they will get older and their health will decline. And any estate that you may be counting on may need to be used up for their needs, or become the bone of contention that tears apart the remaining family.
I suggest you and your siblings get together and arrange for some paid outside help for your parents. Whatever you do, don't consider throwing your life away by going ahead with this.
The deck is already stacked against you. They want you to move back in as their child, dependent on them, and not as an adult. You can't store any of your excess things? You can't bring your own photo albums? Whoa .... this is simply not acceptable.
Why on earth would you give up a three-bedroom house to lived crammed in one bedroom, with no say and no possessions in any of the other rooms? THEY have a meltdown? Where is your meltdown.
You think you can eventually get her to give in? Ha, ha, ha. Good luck with that delusion.
Why don't you look for your own three-bedroom home in your parents' neighborhood? Look after them from there.
1 in 10 chance of success? Hmm ... Mother is trying to control you and you don't even move in for another month. Maybe the chances are more like 1 in 20.
The odds aren't good.
.
So many on this forum have been through exactly what you are describing. Sadly, things like poor health, changed mental status, etc change quickly and so does the situation. What you see in your parent's home now has no similarity to what it will become. Look around this site. There are those who became care givers and now cannot take an afternoon off to see their grandchild graduate. Otheres who are being verbally abused by parents whose mental capacity has declined. Without the paperwork and agreements CWillie describes, your future may be similar. Your only chance to avoid this is NOW before you make the move.
I know this may sound harsh to someone who wants to help their folks, but aging is not easy. And while you may not expect it to be easy, most here didn't plan on the frustration, change in parent's demeanor, and the inability for the caregiver to have even a few hours of respite.
You're making a huge life change in moving out of state to care for your parents. That your mom expects you to bring nothing more than a suitcase is a red flag. That you can't discuss this with her because she'll have a meltdown is another red flag.
Are your parents ready for this change? Have you spent considerable amounts of time with them recently to get an idea of how having you there to help will make things easier on them? Before you pull up stakes and move maybe try a trial run of several weeks with them. See how that goes before you move there.
"I can eventually get her to agree with more after I'm there and she sees what help I am." -- famous last words.
You're a very caring and devoted daughter to want to do this but make sure first that your parents want it too.
Red flags everywhere!
Imo, you have no chance in h*\\ of this working out for you.
Mom wanted me to live with them to cook, clean,.... Later she suggest me rent house nearby d/t not wanting me to bring own bed. Then shes back to me living with them when I said I'd only be able to help on wkends d/t have to work full-time if renting house... She's so confused she changes her mind weekly but always goes back to me living with them. Probably d/t she knows she needs the help.
She's refused outside help for years. Their friends tell me they really need help & me to be there full-time.
Mom has looked forward to going to Assisted Living for years but now that its time, dad says he's not going anywhere. This has really thrown her off. Maybe we should try to talk dad into moving to Assist Living? They live on their farm. Dad has never been very social & not interested in visiting... Mom use to be very social & wanted to visit others however, she doesnt go anywhere but church now d/t doesnt want to leave dad home alone.
I'm 57 year old nurse & work 46 hrs per wk now. Im doing ok but have little retirement or savings. I have 3 adult children, two that I must fly across country to see.
"Mom wanted me to cook and clean" ... so you'll be a live in cook/cleaner housekeeper for free?
"Dad has mid stage alz and mom's memory is going" ... these conditions can worsen rapidly or the decline can go on for years
"Can toilet and dress" ... for how long? What happens when neither can?
"Mom was social but not any more" ... so you are supposed to be the entertainment as well?
"no savings" ... so I guess you'll have to work, along with cooking and cleaning a 4 bed 3 bath house. What happens when they can no longer be left alone?
"Their friends say they really need me to be there" ... dontcha just love armchair critics? Why don't their "friends" step up to give them a hand?
And where are your siblings in all this? Why is it falling on you alone?
Sorry to sound harsh but, my dear, that is reality.
I assume Mom and Dad are not planning on paying you and if they do it won't approach your current salary You will be doing maid's work and they don't get paid!!! You have little or no savings. What do you plan to live on when your time comes to retire? Don't bank on getting all Mom and Dads money. nursing home and medicaid will be first in line for that assuming there is some money.
You are sentencing yourself to a life of poverty. Is that what you want?
This really is not about your parents refusal to accommodate your needs it is about
you not seeing the downside of this arrangement.
Your life will be pure drudgery as the parents needs actually increase and their demands become more irrational and their anger gets turned on you.
I add my name to the list DO NOT DO IT stay where you are and call in Social services
Talk to the social worker in your own place of employment and he/she may be able to direct you towards help at your parent's location.
Take the "you" out of the equation, imagine this situation were occurring to a close friend. Spend some time reading other posts here by others living with their parents and think very seriously about the difficulty of resolving these interfamily dynamics. How would you advise your friend to handle them?
Then put yourself back in the equation, recognizing that nothing will get better if you move, but only get worse. Imagine yourself trapped in the situation, dealing 24/7 with friction and demands from your parent. Imagine your health deteriorating rapidly, anxiety increasing, depression setting in.
Be sure to focus on the fact that your mother is calling all the shots; you have no say now and certainly won't after you're trapped in their home. Do you want to be an adult child again, being treated like a child as well as a Cinderella?
Don't think it won't happen to you - it will, guaranteed, one way or the other.
Again, use the search box in the upper right hand corner and read about other's experiences, and ask, what would make your situation any different?
How can you take care of your parents' needs if you work full time?
I think working on Dad to go to an assisted living place sounds like the best bet. Make sure that it is a place with multiple levels of care so either could be easily transitions to a nursing home setting or memory care when that need arises.
If the area they live in is a good one for your profession, perhaps consider moving near the care center and continuing your career.
Or, since their new social life will revolve around the activities in the care center and the other residents, it won't matter so much where the assisted living place is located. Maybe find a good center close to where you are now.
This notion to move into your parents house as the cook-cleaner-caregiver who gets no respect for her own needs or possessions is just too gloomy to contemplate.
I hope you figure out a much more satisfactory way to help your parents without signing up for poverty yourself. Not to mention the emotional burden of being treated as a child who needs to obey the house rules.
So many of us arrived on this forum after we already took the plunge into elder caregiving and found out way after the fact that we need to have had set boundaries, and forget trying to get those boundaries set at that point. Parents can really throw the guilt at ya.
If you quit work, you would lose hundred of thousands of dollars over the years in the form of salary, paid vacation days, paid sick days, and most important health care insurance which is extremely costly but I assume your work picks up that cost.
If you quit work, you would need to get your own health care insurance, and pay for it out of your retirement fund for the next 10 years or more.
Independent/Assisted living is the way to go if your parents have a large enough nest egg or live in house with a ton of equity. I had the opposite problem, my Dad wanted to move but Mom said never. Mom lived in that house until she was 98. Once she passed, two weeks later Dad said he wanted to look at Independent/Assisted Living... and he found one the next day.
I lived with my mother for a year or so. I think it's more likely than not that a parent who wants a child to move in with her/him/them expects that everything will go on in the household exactly as before except that they will have an unpaid servant to do all the work of maintaining the home. They are not thinking about making any accommodation for the "helper's" personal schedule, preferences, needs, or desires, let alone personal possessions. When I lived with my mother, she essentially occupied and controlled the whole house. I could not even move from room to room without risking a cross-examination. I could not cook fish or chop onions without hearing a complaint. The neighbors I had become friendly with were not welcome to stop by.
Your mother sounds just like mine. She expects her dominion over the household to continue unabated while you give up your whole life to help her out. I lasted one year and I moved out. I hadn't given up a home or a career to move in with her so I was not worse off then before. I wouldn't consider doing it again, and in your position, I wouldn't consider doing it at all.
No longer WONDERING, say goodbye to the children, you will never be able to get respite from caregiving, and no longer be able to leave your parents alone to fly across country to see them.
Not wanting to be all negative, I would like to suggest they follow through with their plans to move to assisted living-pack up the farm, sell the house to pay for their care. They should do this while they still can qualify for AL, because they may be separated later when father with Alzheimers needs more care.
Help your parents help themselves support themselves in assisted living. That is what a loving daughter does - help them get the care they need. No one says you should give up your life for this. Please don't.
The advice given here is based on tough experience from those who loved their parents/elders so much that they did what you are contemplating. Bless you.
Not a good move.
.
My parents never took care of either set of parents as they lived out of state. My parent's both had a lot of siblings, the siblings spouses, grown nieces and nephews to help out. I told Dad that his own Mom had 12 relatives in the community and everyone was eager to help. My Mom parents had about 10 relatives. My parents had me, an only child who had no children. No wonder I was exhausted and having stress related health issues :(
WONDER
NO
MORE!!!
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ANSWER!!! YAHOOOOOOO!!!
Look: You have 3 siblings on your side, it seems. They spoke to parents on your behalf, that is totally awesome!
They need to prepare the documents others speak of in this thread. Yes, upfront paperwork detailing as much as possible. Mom unhappy camper, thinking she is doing you a favor? (part of her illness).
YES
YES
YES
Take the FMLA, with signed contracts in hand and give it the trial period. I assure you...................within 2 weeks you will know what the 3 months are going to be like. Day in, day out.
Hire a housekeeper, you cannot do it all. If changes are coming to your parent's home, let them come in a package. Can siblings, you and parents share the cost of the housekeeper? She can do the mopping, refrigerator cleaning, deep bathroom stuff, vacuuming, and YOU do the errands, for the Love of God!!! While housekeeper there, YOU GO OUT! GO! GO! Go to the supermarket, the beauty salon, the mall, the second hand store.................GO!
AND THE BEST PART OF YOUR ANSWER THAT HAS ME FLOORED...." "they have enough money plus can get Veterans benefits" "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! The money savvy here at this forum can advise you with that portion, but if they have the ca$h, get the hou$ekeeper PLEA$E!!!
M.88
Four days on/Four days on? 24 hrs. on/24 hrs. on?
8hour shifts-8 hrs., then the next 8 hrs, then the next 8 hrs. are all yours too?
When father wanders, mother needs up from the toilet, and you think he has the keys to the car and a gun? Where will your siblings be then-accusing you of being a bad caregiver?
You want to do this.
My monster mother conned me, through FOG, to quit my career, sell my home, ditch most of my furniture and live in her gloomy freezing cold basement to wait on her hand and foot 24/7/365. She told the neighbours I lost my job and she "saved" me. All I had left was my old dog and when he died she said "oh well". At that point I seriously considered suicide as the only way to get away from her ... he was all I had left.
Free room and board? I bought all my food, most of hers and meat for her dog plus I paid my own phone, internet and car insurance.
Your parents have money and they should hire help, but of course your help would be free so why should they pay?
You might take 3 months and see how it works? Get a grip! For three months she'll be sweetness and light but once you've thrown away your life that will change.
Before caregiving, when visiting my mother on a weekend (from 200 miles away) ... and I had to buy, cook and bring all the food because cooking was beneath her ... I slept in the basement and she left the heating on "because otherwise the pipes might freeze". Once I lived there she turned the heat off at supper time, regardless of how cold it was (and this is Canada). By 8 p.m. my teeth were chattering. First thing in the morning my clothes would stand up on their own, I'd race upstairs, turn the heat up and go back to bed to keep warm ... often until noon. It was a horrendous existence.
Please don't do this. Get outside help for them which you can monitor. Do what you are proposing and your life is over. Having been through it. my heart aches for you. If you do do this you will be back here in a week or two, trapped, stressed, miserable and with no way out until they die or you do from health issues brought about by extreme stress.
And, cancel that flight reservation-one or both just got ill and are in the hospital-you cannot leave then or now. Ask, beg your adult children to visit you at Mom's
home, if she will allow visitors, if they will come. But you can pay the family's flight, since you are not flying out to see them. Until you run out of money, what with paying for how many tickets?
Gee, guess I took the negatives to explore if this is doable for you.
Yet you still want to do it, albeit it on a 3 month basis.
I don't think you really understand what's going to happen and how your life will change, for the worse.
I guess there's no more to be said.