My husband and I have been married for 25 years and my father-in-law with Parkinson’s just moved it. What are my options if I can’t handle living with my father-in-law but don’t want to leave my husband or move out?

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Father in law sits in a recliner and husband in his recliner facing the tv with non stop football games or sports and my back is to bad to sit on the couch and no room for my recliner so it got moved upstairs to my bedroom. It stinks in the living room as the non stop gas is horrible. I go to use the restroom and it is so gross with do do on the toilet seat or p on the floor so I bought a lowes bucket with a seat and go upstairs in my bedroom where I stay most of the time. my friend watched him so we can get out but he is a don juan and grabs all the women. i want him out but husband won't put him in nursing home and i can't stomach the grossness to be honest. my husband takes 2000 a month for expenses from his dads account which just covers his dad's expenses...every single day his dad demands to be taken out and entertained. my husband is retired and his income is 2600 a month. sadly..my income is only 800 so it sure isn't enough to live on as I am on disability but considering moving out. i cant remain a prisoner in my little bedroom day and night...it is horrible and i am miserable. i don't know what to do. what would you do???

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goingcrazy- plz keep us update how things are going with you all .
am so glad to hear your husband is willing to fix this , terrible to throw away many years of marriages , be a wasteful ,
keep in touch . xoxo
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Wow- congratulations, Pat! It will be an interesting transition, and new aspects expanding the parameters of your marriage.
Love and Blessings,
Christina
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goincrazyinky, I am very glad to hear your good news. Your husband is blessed to have such a strong and committed wife as yourself because many women would not put up with a dad or mom doing to their husband what your FIL did to your husband for 25 years! wow! Now you have your life and your marriage back. I'm not a therapist, but your husband may well need therapy to deal with the guilt, the fear and the obligation planted in him via emotional blackmail otherwise known as F.O.G.
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Well, MY dad was a bit disinhibited for a while and did a little bottom-smacking or grabbing and had to have some limits set on that - he did mellow out - but he wore his "Old Fart" t-shirt with pride.

But all kidding aside - its a good thing you finally did find a workable option because no one can constantly live and have any kind of health with fecal contamination of their home, no reasonable way to keep it cleaned, and a prisoner in the only corner of it they can begin to control. If its too late for limit setting, or for getting any cooperation with dietary changes or behaviors that would improve the condition, don't keep trying to tolerate the intolerable.
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Good for you...it is amazing what you can accomplish when you stand up for yourself. It took courage and determination....but you did it!
Now you can have your married life back, your FIL will get the care he needs, and your hub can go back to being the son rather than the servant. A win-win situation!
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There is this new service called Elder Helpers and some volunteers might be able to help with undertaking some of the burden. It's nationwide and looks pretty awesome, but I am not sure that this will solve 100% of your problem. Here is the url anyway: http://www.elderhelpers.org, good luck!
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Wow! What a fine solution. What is going to happen when Dad keeps insisting "get me gotta here"? Will you continue to have a united front?
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Glory halleluiah! My husband has agreed to place his Dad into a VA nursing home. My husband was raised with guilt by his parents and they always wanted him to be there for his beckoning call the entire 25 years of our marriage and he was there for them. But my husband was so upset that I was living upstairs and he felt put in the middle but when I told him his Dad was killing him by turning him into his personal 24 hour a day slave...my husband agreed. My husband is going downhill fast from mere exhaustion of his Dad's constant need for attention and it is impossible to get a caretaker here because his Dad just insists on his son being here or if it is a young female, he molests her, making it impossible to find help. So, my husband agreed to put his Dad in VA at my urging and I asked my husband's brother to step in as he only visits one hour a week...he is not coming over to help anymore than he was but he said he would come talk to his Dad with a united front in taking him to the VA. We drove him to the VA today so he could look around but his Dad yelled...get me outta here now!!! He said...I'm not ready to be here now but maybe someday I might have to! But not now I don't need to! I thought to myself....yea, you don't need to because you are using your son as your 24 hour a day servant. It is one thing to be helpless and truly need care...but his Dad expects Kenny to take him out at his demand whenever he wishes and won't do things to even help himself that he could do. He acts like a baby around my husband, totally helpless, so shakey and weak...but when my husband is out of the room, I have seen him stand up without his walker and pull open a very very difficult door that I can hardly open myself. So it is half real, half put on for sympathy...I think this is where my resentment comes into play. Kenny has been taking his dad on daily outings every single day for 6 years when his dad was at a retirement home. my husband just wanted to visit his dad, but as soon as he saw him, his dad would say....get me outta here. My poor husband has been used and at his parents beckoning call for so long. his mother passed away 6 years ago and my husband retired to only end up being his Dad's slave. There is a difference between providing needs for a person and a person just making unreasonable demands and insist you are not out of their eyesight. My husband sleeps on the couch in case his Dad gets up and can't find him. Enough is enough. Thank GOD he is going to the VA soon!!!!!!!!
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Sorry, laha58, but it sure looked like an attack from here. I'll bet you did not mean it as harsh as it sounded. The poster is on disabilitly herself. It could be she needs some care herself, not to be treated as a servant. Telling her that hubby is "doing the right thing" is very demeaning, whether you meant it to be or not.

Please don't refrain from posting. Your thoughts are valuable, too. Perhaps, though, you can double-check that they come across they way you really mean them. If they come across as critical of people who don't make the same decisions you make, expect some comments about that.
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Pass the Prosecco to Jeannie Gibbs, Liliput and Heaton on their posts.

Goingcrazy, where is you MIL? Where was dad before and why did he land at your doorstep?

My gut feeling is that dad is an old-school type that knows that women are less than men. Heaton is spot on that he views her as a servant. Dad is probably a bully and rather than stand up to him, hubby gets on Dad's side and let's him be a bully to his DIL rather than incurring his wrath.

The fact that she is using a toilet seat with a bucket from Lowe's because they leave the bathroom too disgusting and do nothing to help or clean is totally reprehensible. They know this is happening and it's "so what".

GoingCrazy alot of this really truly needs to be what you want your future life to be.
If you really want to be with you hubby then do what you can to have him see what is happening and that it needs to change. But if it is the case that you are with him (not just now that Dad is there but before when it was just the two of you) because you feel trapped by your limited income, that is a whole different thing. I mention this because you so clearly stated your financial predicament. If you have been married more than 10 years, and you are 62 then you can apply for Social Security based on HIS earnings not yours. So that plus your 800 in disability, could provide a good amount of stable income if you really need to leave him. Only you can look into yourself to know what you really need to do.

None of this is easy. Good Luck.
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