My husband and I have been married for 25 years and my father-in-law with Parkinson’s just moved it. What are my options if I can’t handle living with my father-in-law but don’t want to leave my husband or move out?

I would sit your husband down and have a very serious heart to heart conversation with your husband about his dad. Sounds like your husband is afraid of his dad and that fear is greater than his commitment to you as your husband or maybe he is blinded by fear, obligation and guilt and needs a verbal slap in the face to wake him up.

You didn't ask to be a caregiver and caregiving is not for everyone. Good for you for recognizing that it is not your cup of tea. Be honest with your husband and let him know that you are at your wits end and are considering moving out for your own health and sanity. Let him know that there are assisted living facilities where his Dad could live with greater independence than being in a nursing home. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do. That's a tough situation you're in.

I'd move out. Or at least I would explore the options available to do that. There are various kinds of asistance available to people with disabilities who only have $800/month income. A subsidized apartment would be small and not luxurious, but at least you wouldn't be trapped in your bedroom. Realistically, what could you expect? Legally, what would your husband have to provide? What would change if you divorced? Really look into all options and take them seriously. The goal is to find out what the possibilities are. Then when you have your heart-to-heart with hubby you can speak confidently and and realistically. When you say, "I can't continue to live like this," it won't be just desperation talking -- you'll know of other ways you could live. You are not issuing ultimatums, just stating facts. You are not going to continue this way. You are willing to listen to his ideas for improvements, and you also have some plans of your own. This may change his mind about placement for his dad or it may not. Either way, you'll have a path to follow to save your sanity.

Good luck.

Is he on effective medication for his dementia? Something to keep him under control do he is not so disruptive? Have YOU told old fart HE is ruining your marriage and you are going to find him a place to live? If he doesn't care or understand due to his dementia, then you are stuck unless hubby responds to you. Go stay with friends out of state for awhile and notify SDI to forward your
check. Vacation, Pat:) Good luck, dear one. Love, Christina

Having read similar posts from you in the past, I would say that it is time to take action. We can give you all kinds of suggestions and advice, but until your hub and FIL take you seriously and respect you, things will remain the same until you end up in the hospital. Don't let that happen. Take charge and let us know what happens...
good luck

There are things to discuss with your husband. Other kids that might could help. Grandkids that pitch in. I am offended that christina28 would call him "old fart." For Gods sake these are our parents so turn the table and ask how it would be if it was your parent. Or best yet...if it was YOU!!! carma......

Hi ibishop,
I apologize for offending you with my terminology.
Regards,
Christina

Christina, in the circumstances I thought your term was appropriate. Anyway, most people use that as a term of affection tinged with exasperation.

You can please some of the people some of the time ...

Any man who poops and pees all over the place, lies around like a slug, and is a "don juan and grabs women" is an old fart in my book.

Hon, start looking into another living arrangement NOW: get a roommate, live with family or friends temporarily, get a part-time job to help you with costs, look into government subsidized housing, etc.

Just reading about your living conditions makes me sad.....

Jeanne, Linda, Pat: I love you girls:)

Goingcrazy, I'm hoping that you've talked to your husband about this and are not doing what us women tend to do; sigh, mope, do the cold shoulder thing, talk to our friends,& soldier on even though we're mad as heck inside. I have found out that men can't read our minds!! Go figure. In your case it takes two, hubby and his daddy I'm afraid. No one pulled your husband's arm to sit in the gassy environment and watch sports. I have learned that the 'acorn don't fall far from the tree' so your husband may be more like his dad then you want to admit. Time to separate the two of them and turn your husband back from the caveman he's becoming under his dad's tutelage into the man you married. Remind your husband that you and him are a sealed unit. His as well as your first responsibility is to one another, period. Tell him that you WERE considering even moving out because of it, and see what he says. Could be he's been unhappy too, and needs help shaking loose. There are other choices then rushing into a nursing home. We put my father-in-law into an adult foster care home nearby and he was happy there till he died. Only one other man at the time, so the his care was much better too. If your husband will not respond in the positive to your situation, then take a mini vacation to a friends house for a few days or a week. Give you husband the opportunity to see what it would be like without you to deal with his dad on his own.

Wow...I was a caregiver for 2 1/2 years for my Mom who recently passed of Alzheimers. I put my life on complete hold and don't regret a single day of it. It is a big sacrifice to care for your parents or in laws but you need to speak up now or forever hold your peace. Not everyone can be a family caregiver and I apologize for my frankness, but I can see you don't have it in you. I applaud your husband for wanting to do "what's right". Most people just put them in homes. Speak up, get out of your room and go do things on your own and give your husband the kudos he deserves. Good luck to all of you mostly your father in law, who has to live his last years being taken care of by someone who doesn't want him. So sad.

Hi Laha! You must have had a wonderful Mom! Your experience all through life would have been different had that not been the case! Please don't kick people when they are down. Going crazy is asking us for advice. If you read the description of her father-in-law, he does NOT sound like a respectful, thoughtful person, and her husband is not leaving his father to cleave to his wife. I was not going to get involved in this, but you, laha58, pushed too far by attacking a person who is suffering. Not nice.

I did not attack her. I simply stated my thoughts. In the future, I will refrain from posting.

Let's all take a deep, cleansing breath here.....

The idea of being a good caregiver takes on many forms. For some parents, living with family is the best choice. For others who need more care than a family can provide or wish to live an independant life, a nice ALF, group, home etc. is the most appropriate and healthy choice. Each situation is different. To characterize a different placement as "putting someone away" is neither fair nor respectful.

goincrazy's Hub does not deserve "kudos" nor is he "doing the right thing" his WIFE is. The boys have a built in servant, who is not well herself. This is not the correct placement for this man. He is not taking care of his personal needs and the hub is not pitching in to help. A DIL should not have to care for her FIL in this way.
We all know how overwhelming caregiving can be - especially when we have no one else to turn to....that is why this forum is a safe haven for us all.

We all wish Pat the best solution to her dilemna and the best living environment for her FIL. And the hub needs to get off his duff.....Lilli

Pass the Prosecco to Jeannie Gibbs, Liliput and Heaton on their posts.

Goingcrazy, where is you MIL? Where was dad before and why did he land at your doorstep?

My gut feeling is that dad is an old-school type that knows that women are less than men. Heaton is spot on that he views her as a servant. Dad is probably a bully and rather than stand up to him, hubby gets on Dad's side and let's him be a bully to his DIL rather than incurring his wrath.

The fact that she is using a toilet seat with a bucket from Lowe's because they leave the bathroom too disgusting and do nothing to help or clean is totally reprehensible. They know this is happening and it's "so what".

GoingCrazy alot of this really truly needs to be what you want your future life to be.
If you really want to be with you hubby then do what you can to have him see what is happening and that it needs to change. But if it is the case that you are with him (not just now that Dad is there but before when it was just the two of you) because you feel trapped by your limited income, that is a whole different thing. I mention this because you so clearly stated your financial predicament. If you have been married more than 10 years, and you are 62 then you can apply for Social Security based on HIS earnings not yours. So that plus your 800 in disability, could provide a good amount of stable income if you really need to leave him. Only you can look into yourself to know what you really need to do.

None of this is easy. Good Luck.

Sorry, laha58, but it sure looked like an attack from here. I'll bet you did not mean it as harsh as it sounded. The poster is on disabilitly herself. It could be she needs some care herself, not to be treated as a servant. Telling her that hubby is "doing the right thing" is very demeaning, whether you meant it to be or not.

Please don't refrain from posting. Your thoughts are valuable, too. Perhaps, though, you can double-check that they come across they way you really mean them. If they come across as critical of people who don't make the same decisions you make, expect some comments about that.

Glory halleluiah! My husband has agreed to place his Dad into a VA nursing home. My husband was raised with guilt by his parents and they always wanted him to be there for his beckoning call the entire 25 years of our marriage and he was there for them. But my husband was so upset that I was living upstairs and he felt put in the middle but when I told him his Dad was killing him by turning him into his personal 24 hour a day slave...my husband agreed. My husband is going downhill fast from mere exhaustion of his Dad's constant need for attention and it is impossible to get a caretaker here because his Dad just insists on his son being here or if it is a young female, he molests her, making it impossible to find help. So, my husband agreed to put his Dad in VA at my urging and I asked my husband's brother to step in as he only visits one hour a week...he is not coming over to help anymore than he was but he said he would come talk to his Dad with a united front in taking him to the VA. We drove him to the VA today so he could look around but his Dad yelled...get me outta here now!!! He said...I'm not ready to be here now but maybe someday I might have to! But not now I don't need to! I thought to myself....yea, you don't need to because you are using your son as your 24 hour a day servant. It is one thing to be helpless and truly need care...but his Dad expects Kenny to take him out at his demand whenever he wishes and won't do things to even help himself that he could do. He acts like a baby around my husband, totally helpless, so shakey and weak...but when my husband is out of the room, I have seen him stand up without his walker and pull open a very very difficult door that I can hardly open myself. So it is half real, half put on for sympathy...I think this is where my resentment comes into play. Kenny has been taking his dad on daily outings every single day for 6 years when his dad was at a retirement home. my husband just wanted to visit his dad, but as soon as he saw him, his dad would say....get me outta here. My poor husband has been used and at his parents beckoning call for so long. his mother passed away 6 years ago and my husband retired to only end up being his Dad's slave. There is a difference between providing needs for a person and a person just making unreasonable demands and insist you are not out of their eyesight. My husband sleeps on the couch in case his Dad gets up and can't find him. Enough is enough. Thank GOD he is going to the VA soon!!!!!!!!

Wow! What a fine solution. What is going to happen when Dad keeps insisting "get me gotta here"? Will you continue to have a united front?

There is this new service called Elder Helpers and some volunteers might be able to help with undertaking some of the burden. It's nationwide and looks pretty awesome, but I am not sure that this will solve 100% of your problem. Here is the url anyway: http://www.elderhelpers.org, good luck!

Good for you...it is amazing what you can accomplish when you stand up for yourself. It took courage and determination....but you did it!
Now you can have your married life back, your FIL will get the care he needs, and your hub can go back to being the son rather than the servant. A win-win situation!

Well, MY dad was a bit disinhibited for a while and did a little bottom-smacking or grabbing and had to have some limits set on that - he did mellow out - but he wore his "Old Fart" t-shirt with pride.

But all kidding aside - its a good thing you finally did find a workable option because no one can constantly live and have any kind of health with fecal contamination of their home, no reasonable way to keep it cleaned, and a prisoner in the only corner of it they can begin to control. If its too late for limit setting, or for getting any cooperation with dietary changes or behaviors that would improve the condition, don't keep trying to tolerate the intolerable.

goincrazyinky, I am very glad to hear your good news. Your husband is blessed to have such a strong and committed wife as yourself because many women would not put up with a dad or mom doing to their husband what your FIL did to your husband for 25 years! wow! Now you have your life and your marriage back. I'm not a therapist, but your husband may well need therapy to deal with the guilt, the fear and the obligation planted in him via emotional blackmail otherwise known as F.O.G.

Wow- congratulations, Pat! It will be an interesting transition, and new aspects expanding the parameters of your marriage.
Love and Blessings,
Christina

goingcrazy- plz keep us update how things are going with you all .
am so glad to hear your husband is willing to fix this , terrible to throw away many years of marriages , be a wasteful ,
keep in touch . xoxo