Sibling support.

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Anger. Frustration. Excuses. Feeling like they keep their life and mine gets total overhaul. There are five of us. I live next to my mom I take care of all her needs. When a sibling tells me they are going to help and then don't I feel like something inside of me is going to explode. We are supposed to be taking turns but what happens is they all call me when they aren't going to make it. Which happens weekly or they change the day. Sometimes I feel as though I'm going to have ever lasting stress related issues from this. I have been caring for my mom 7 years. Sinking into a deep place of anger resentment and truly being taken advantage of.


I don't get so mad at my brothers as I do my parents and myself. How do they expect one of their children to give up so much so they won't have to change? And why did I ever get into this? I don't blame my brothers because they did not make my parents' choices or mine. They are making their own. Now, if they had promised help and fell through, I would be miffed beyond. It sounds like your siblings are considering you and your parents as one unit since you live so close. They start to feel more like they are helping you than doing for their parents. Sounds like they need a gentle mental kick that won't alienate them. Kick too hard, they may disappear altogether.
Assign each one a day of the week. No options, it's your day sis/bro, suck it up and report for duty. We did that, and it works and mom has someone to look forward to each day. Old people do like schedules.
For a while I pretty much hated my brother because he did nothing to help me care for either parent (9 years for dad and 13 years now for mom). I was SO angry at him.

I finally realized that I was only hurting myself with all of the anger and resentment. I gained 20 lbs because of it. I finally got to a place of acceptance that he will NEVER be what I want/expect him to be in this area. That's between him and my parents - it's not my responsibility to make him step up like I think he should. What if you had no siblings? You'd figure out how to do it by yourself, because that's the person that you are.

Be happy that you've stepped up and figure out ways to get some respite - either hire some help or figure out if certain siblings like doing certain things and avoid others, then assign accordingly. You can't make people do what they don't want to do. You can change your reaction when they don't meet their obligations. Don't let your anger do more harm to you in the long run - it's not worth it.
I think blannie has the keys here. She's been there and learned the hard way.

You make your choices, the siblings make theirs. Maybe it is time to arrange for paid in-home care on a regular, reliable schedule. Is sibs can also help out some, so much the better. But obviously you cannot rely on them.
Yep, assign them each a day and if they have conflicts it is up to them to switch with someone else. It is not your problem and don't take it on! Might be helpful to have a home care provider available they can call to relieve them if needed. Of course, it is their expense!

Seven years, you are an angel and a real blessing to your Mom!
Wow! pamstegman and littletonway must be from very different families than mine. There are 7 of us. Four of us cooperate in taking care of Mom (now in NH) and 2 more participate as they can (health problems). One is just out of the loop for unknown reasons. But even among the most cooperative ones, I cannot imagine one of us being able to assign the others to certain days or tasks. "Oh yeah? Who put you in charge? I'll do what I can, when I can."

Did this system of assignments work over the long haul for you two? I'm impressed!
Nutmeg, who set up this caregiving system and when? Clearly it is not working. If the others and you want to keep mom at home( not . Always the best option, imo) then you need to have a family meeting. Have you looked at care facilities?
We had a calendar and we each filled in the days we could be with Mom. We had a meeting every month. One sister had only 2 days a week available, another only weekends and one stayed overnight. I was the one with the most free time during the week and usually put in 3-4 days. This was the last year of her life. For the 2 years Mom lived with us, I was pretty much 24/7 except on Thurs (hired nurse/companion) and occasional weekends because the others worked full time.

It worked because we were doing it for our Mother and we wanted to keep her at home! I am not saying it was all a bed of roses but our main focus was Mom and not ourselves.
p.s. Someone has to be in charge to keep the schedule!
I don't work due to disability one of the issues is I have fibromyalgia. I live a couple houses away from my mom. I bring her meals I do her shopping cleaning help her bathe and spend the nights. My siblings seem to think its ok to give me a day and time and cancel. She just lives next door she doesn't work. I am lucky if I get 1 night and day a month. I'm exhausted and depressed. I have no internet and she watches shows like I survived, betrayed just evil shows that I can't tolerate. I no longer look forward to anything I have little appetite craving sugar Agitated. Aggravated. Resentment. Increased pain. I have a husband and dogs I can no longer relate to. So unfair.

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