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Anger. Frustration. Excuses. Feeling like they keep their life and mine gets total overhaul. There are five of us. I live next to my mom I take care of all her needs. When a sibling tells me they are going to help and then don't I feel like something inside of me is going to explode. We are supposed to be taking turns but what happens is they all call me when they aren't going to make it. Which happens weekly or they change the day. Sometimes I feel as though I'm going to have ever lasting stress related issues from this. I have been caring for my mom 7 years. Sinking into a deep place of anger resentment and truly being taken advantage of.

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Jeannegibbs thank you so much for your concern in my quest for relief. While I have tried for some type of schedule it always seems to fall apart on me. That's where my anger comes in. Your right why should I always be the fall guy. I have 4 siblings and I should have days off because if I dont I will lose my sanity or what's left of it. So a calendar it is. Please Lord help me thru this.
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this is Sandra Markley it again Iand I want to thank each and everyone of you love taking time out of your precious life to take care of a loved one.or someone else's loved one you really will have a great place in heaven
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taking care of my grandmother who I love very very much and when Grandma needed help I was the one there to take care of her my Uncle Sam he never showed up nobody came I took care of my grandmother day and night as I lived with her now and I didn't mind taking care of my grandmother and as time went on no one ever came around
oh my uncle's family come maybe once a month and he did not live very far away he only came to get my grandmothers money so I came up with an idea for him not to get so much of my grandmothers money after about 3 years come around only for her money and to yell at her if she didn't give it to him I decided I wanted money to only to keep him from getting a lot of it but he got it anyway no one in the family got one thing from my grandmother when she passed you put my poor grandma in a nursing home and just forgot all about her I and my daughter visit her every day and the nursing home today that we were only visitors but as strange as it sounds they wouldn't tell me a word that my grandmother passed away my mother called me because she read it in the newspaper just one day of not visiting and she passed away I rushed and rushed to the nursing home fast I got what I could find out for myself and my family they were told not to tell no one about anything Sam was the one that told them not to tell nothing so I rush to my grandmother's house just to find out that Sam had been there all night and day the day before and taking everything of my grandmothers and even so the house without my father even knowing anything once again and once again and all this tragedy like when my grandfather died my got nothing
Sam seen to that but the Lord in heaven knows that I took care of my grandmother and loved her very much my grandmother could not walk she was blind and to this day I still don't know what my grandmother died from and I really do miss her terrible and this is a tragedy about families they just don't care like they should care you're all just so damn greedy well my grandmother just give me a few bracelets before she passed away that my grandfather had got her in Germany when he was stationed in the war ww1 but thank you got stolen from me but I want to commend David Cassidy so hard hard life taking care of someone like that but in your life you will remember back and it'll be so fulfilling remembering all the good times just a good time I believe God has a special place for David Cassidy in heaven taking care of his mom likes he did and he thanked his fans all the time well this is one saying that wants to thank you David Cassidy putting for putting the whole world on your shoulders and taking care of your mother it's a very good takes a very strong person to do that believe me I know said thank you David and thank you for helping like I said I don't know what my grandmother died from but I know her mind was very good about the past as for things going on right then I don't really think she comprehended a lot of things but I love and miss her still to this day Sandra
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Nutmeg123, why are you continuing to live in this unfair situation? You made one decision once, and you can make another one now. You cannot control your siblings decisions, but you can control your own.

What if you and your husband decide what is reasonable for your situation, and announce it? "Starting Dec 1, I will taking care of Mother on Mondays and Thursdays, and every-other Saturday. This is as much as I can commit to at this time and in view of my health. Let's have a family meeting to discuss what can happen on the other days of the week."

Of course, you have to be prepared to follow through on your decision. And to be certain that Mom isn't left without the help she needs, I suggest you start with finding out options from your local department of Aging and/or your county Social Services.

The other thing I recommend is getting counseling for yourself. You have health issues. You have a challenging family situation. You can use all the help you can get! I'm not saying there is something wrong with you that needs to be "fixed" -- just that you are in a tough spot and deserve some support.
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I don't work due to disability one of the issues is I have fibromyalgia. I live a couple houses away from my mom. I bring her meals I do her shopping cleaning help her bathe and spend the nights. My siblings seem to think its ok to give me a day and time and cancel. She just lives next door she doesn't work. I am lucky if I get 1 night and day a month. I'm exhausted and depressed. I have no internet and she watches shows like I survived, betrayed just evil shows that I can't tolerate. I no longer look forward to anything I have little appetite craving sugar Agitated. Aggravated. Resentment. Increased pain. I have a husband and dogs I can no longer relate to. So unfair.
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p.s. Someone has to be in charge to keep the schedule rolling...lol!
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We had a calendar and we each filled in the days we could be with Mom. We had a meeting every month. One sister had only 2 days a week available, another only weekends and one stayed overnight. I was the one with the most free time during the week and usually put in 3-4 days. This was the last year of her life. For the 2 years Mom lived with us, I was pretty much 24/7 except on Thurs (hired nurse/companion) and occasional weekends because the others worked full time.

It worked because we were doing it for our Mother and we wanted to keep her at home! I am not saying it was all a bed of roses but our main focus was Mom and not ourselves.
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Nutmeg, who set up this caregiving system and when? Clearly it is not working. If the others and you want to keep mom at home( not . Always the best option, imo) then you need to have a family meeting. Have you looked at care facilities?
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Wow! pamstegman and littletonway must be from very different families than mine. There are 7 of us. Four of us cooperate in taking care of Mom (now in NH) and 2 more participate as they can (health problems). One is just out of the loop for unknown reasons. But even among the most cooperative ones, I cannot imagine one of us being able to assign the others to certain days or tasks. "Oh yeah? Who put you in charge? I'll do what I can, when I can."

Did this system of assignments work over the long haul for you two? I'm impressed!
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Yep, assign them each a day and if they have conflicts it is up to them to switch with someone else. It is not your problem and don't take it on! Might be helpful to have a home care provider available they can call to relieve them if needed. Of course, it is their expense!

Seven years, you are an angel and a real blessing to your Mom!
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I think blannie has the keys here. She's been there and learned the hard way.

You make your choices, the siblings make theirs. Maybe it is time to arrange for paid in-home care on a regular, reliable schedule. Is sibs can also help out some, so much the better. But obviously you cannot rely on them.
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For a while I pretty much hated my brother because he did nothing to help me care for either parent (9 years for dad and 13 years now for mom). I was SO angry at him.

I finally realized that I was only hurting myself with all of the anger and resentment. I gained 20 lbs because of it. I finally got to a place of acceptance that he will NEVER be what I want/expect him to be in this area. That's between him and my parents - it's not my responsibility to make him step up like I think he should. What if you had no siblings? You'd figure out how to do it by yourself, because that's the person that you are.

Be happy that you've stepped up and figure out ways to get some respite - either hire some help or figure out if certain siblings like doing certain things and avoid others, then assign accordingly. You can't make people do what they don't want to do. You can change your reaction when they don't meet their obligations. Don't let your anger do more harm to you in the long run - it's not worth it.
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Assign each one a day of the week. No options, it's your day sis/bro, suck it up and report for duty. We did that, and it works and mom has someone to look forward to each day. Old people do like schedules.
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I don't get so mad at my brothers as I do my parents and myself. How do they expect one of their children to give up so much so they won't have to change? And why did I ever get into this? I don't blame my brothers because they did not make my parents' choices or mine. They are making their own. Now, if they had promised help and fell through, I would be miffed beyond. It sounds like your siblings are considering you and your parents as one unit since you live so close. They start to feel more like they are helping you than doing for their parents. Sounds like they need a gentle mental kick that won't alienate them. Kick too hard, they may disappear altogether.
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