My parents are extremely emotionally abusive to me while I am their caregiver.

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She is in advanced stages of Alzheimer's and refused outside help until he ended up in the hospital. I've been helping him take care of her for 4 years. I lived at their house when he was hospitalized for heart and gallbladder for a week. Then another week after he got home and was recovering and on many medications. Since he has so many restrictions for lifting and moving, he finally accepted hospice for mother. That is going well, but I still spend between 8-12 hours at their house everyday. Plus, I am getting pretty fed up because they criticize and holler at me all day long. Changing diapers, cleaning, cooking, making appointments, answering phone, talking to home care nurse etc. I know that I am getting depressed over this and I am very tired. I need to set some boundaries. How do I do that?

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Pearl: What specifically do they holler and complain about? Just curious as it may give us a better understanding of your situation. If your mom has advanced dementia and is on hospice care, you are probably going to have to give her a pass on her behavior as you can't reason with a demented person. It's the diseased brain talking and that can't be changed. Can you talk to your mom's doctor (and hospice) about the drugs she is taking and see if something can be added calm her?

I don't know what your dad's normal behavior is, but he must be exhausted too. Is there anyone, a friend or neighbor who could get your dad out of the house for a couple of hours. Take him to lunch or invite him over for coffee. It might be helpful if he can just get away from the sound of your mom's voice for a while.

Talk to hospice about getting more in home help. Where I live, our local hospice will provide 125 hours of paid in-home care through the agency of your choice. In addition, talk to your local Area on Aging and see what services they can offer.

I went to our local A on A to ask about a caregiver support meeting. I talked directly to the person who worked with caregivers and she set me up with 30 hours per week of in-home agency care at a cost of $1.20 per hour. It was based on the fact that I was over 60 years old and had no income of my own. I'm retired and my husband has an income that supports us, nevertheless, I still qualified for the help. You might want to call them and explain the circumstances and see what they can provide. If you can get a care provider to come in for a few hours, several times a week, it will give you a break too.

Can you find a quiet place to talk to your dad? Maybe take a walk together or some other peaceful endeavor and talk to him about how the two of you are under a lot of stress and need to be supportive of each other to better help your mom. As I said, I don't know what he normal behavior is, but does he get any sleep at night?

I hope some of my comments have been helpful. Please give us some additional info. You are in a very stressful situation and my heart definitely goes out to you.

Sending you hugs, Cattails
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Great advice; start reaching out to Hospice 1st. How have u done this for so long?This is NOT a one-person job! Hope things begin to get better soon.
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How to set boundaries? 1st decide that you deserve to be treated well. You got perfect advice-ask Hospice for help, read the other thread and learn all you can about dementia and aging ssues. Call ur area agency for aging-ask them to give you info about who can help u besides Hospice. Call each agency and select some services to relieve some stress. This is NOT a one-person job! Hope things begin to get better soon.
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Have they always been this way or is this new? Are they financially able to hire outside help? Do you have siblings that could help? Have you talked to them about how their attitude is effecting you? You can't allow anyone even parents to abuse you. I understand mom with dementia to a point but your dad needs to be on your side. Does mom's hospice have a social worker helping you? My mom's social worker is always asking me how I am and tells me to call if I need help. And if I have problems on nurse visit days the nurses will help when they come. Hospice isn't just for your mom. It's for the caregiver too. You need to get the help you need. You can't keep going this way for long. And you shouldn't have to. You don't owe your life to them. Please keep in contact with us here. We want to know. You'll see. The group of girls on this site are amazing. You'll get great support! Read "Two years this July my mother has been living with me..." You'll be amazed at the progress you'll read about on it. You can too with the help you'll get if you let us.
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