Hurt, burnt out Part 2!

Started by

I talked to the Hospice Social Worker this morning that went to see my mom yesterday afternoon after her blow up. My mom told her she had worked too hard all her life to end up in a nursing home and that I put her there, but she knew people and she would get out.
I called to check on her this morning and the nurse said she had been very pleasant this morning and the hospice aid was with her giving her a bath.
She is on oxygen full time, either in her wheelchair or in the bed. She can use her walker to get to the bathroom which is about a 10 foot walk. She knows no one and if she did I sure wish they would have been giving me a hand all these years.
She told the social worker she knew I would be gone for a little while but I intend to stay away long enough for her to miss me and if that doesn't happen then I know like I have known for a long time she doesn't need me unless she "needs" me.
There is still guilt sticking me in the stomach this morning, but I am working on it.

There really is no way she could check herself out right ? She cannot drive, she is totally dependent on others to care for her. She has CHF, COPD, Liver disease, to name a few. I have POA over her.

Could this turn into a mess ? She has no where to go to, no home, no finances other than her social security that is paying for the NH. Matter of a fact, I pay for her cable, extra pads and denture adhesive out of my own pocket. Her $30.00 goes for the beauty shop at the NH which by the way is a 5 star.


You should probably speak privately to the director of the NH just to make sure, but I don't think there is anyway they are going to let your mom check herself out...especially if you were involved with admitting her and had POA then as you do now. She can't set up living arrangements on her own without you and that is a must for discharge. I'm just speaking from a common sense angle.

But still, talk to someone there where she is cared for so that you set your mind at ease and comfortably do what you feel is best...such as stay away longer than she thinks or take a break for yourself or whatever.

She's not that unhappy or she wouldn't be pleasant with the staff. She's probably just homesick (who can blame her) but that can't be helped (too bad but who can blame you when you did so much all by yourself for so long!). It's not a great situation but evidently the best one in your case, all things considered.

Maybe talk to the social worker, too, if you aren't, already.
She in no way can check herself out with her conditions so you don't have to worry about that. They keep a good eye the best they can and all exits require a code to be able to get through otherwise they would be chasing them down all day. It is good to hear that she is content with the staff that is a plus. It sounds like she saves all of her lashing out for you and this is just a way for her to probably in her mind to get her out. Continue with your intentions and relax, she is safe and in capable hands. You need time for you to strengthen. Best wishes to you.
Today will start the second week. I think she will expect me today, but I really just don't want to go. They started her on Depakote last week and I am hoping that will take effect. I have called everyday and staff has said she is doing fine. She is not fussing and has had no chest pain. Last week was hard I will admit, but she has manipulated me as long as I can remember. I always hated her being mad at me for one thing it was hard. When I was a child if I displeased her she would stop talking to me not for a day but for weeks...that was harder than spankings and her spankings were never just swats on the behind. The decision you make dictate the life you lead. Thank you for your kind words. ;-)
Wow. Your boundary setting is right for both you and your Mom. The NH is well-equipped to handle your Mom... and it sounds like you desperately need a break - and time to rebuild your own life. Bless you.
I think this is common for caregivers, especially daughters. You have to grow thick skin & realize that she probably doesn't know what's going on. Do speak to the folks at the nursing home & the hospice workers. They see this sort of thing all the time & can be helpful. You are not alone & I'm sure you've done your best.
All great support do need a break from your Mom, as hard as that is to advise. Don't let the guilt eat you up; your Mom has punished you for a long time and probably for reasons even she does not realize. Of course, she is pleasant to the NH folks, they are not her daughter. You continue to stay away until the Depakote starts working so she is more relaxed. I would just keep calling the NH to check on her until you're ready to see her. The NH staff knows how to deal with this disorder and they would call you if there was an emergency anyway. There is a lifetime of anger in her and you can not possibly cope with all of that. It is hers to own, not for you to take on. You are doing what you need to do for your own health right now. I can't imagine punishing my children by not talking to them...are you an only child? Know you are not alone, there are many who share what you're experiencing and this site is a wonderful place to "talk". Keep your faith and stay healthy yourself. Let us know how your "first" visit goes when you go to see her. xxxooo
As a nurse, I can assure you, she cannot check herself out of this nursing home, because that takes your signature Secondly, stop taking what she says personally as they are just words without meaning for her. I know they hurt. My husband says hurtful things all the time to me, and then I will leave him alone, go back 30 mins. later and he is cheery and has forgotten he just insulted me. It is the disease, and because she has very little time left, try to muster up strength within yourself to forgive her. She is not the bad guy, Alzheimer's or whatever dementia she has is. My best to you.
Your story is mine--All I can say is I AM SO TIRED!!! And freaked out, worried, ...
I am an only child. Thank you so very much. After reading these such wise, sweet comments the knots in my stomach has lessen. ;-)
Hi. One thing I could suggest to you is since you have decided not to face your Mom in person, for fear that she will be angry and attempt to manipulate you again, (and you've had so much of that...who can blame you?) and it sounds as though you aren't calling and speaking to her on the phone (since that can be as horrible as an "in person" visit, a suggestion that may be kind to her, and also help you with guilt and lack of communication, would be to send her a nice card...maybe once a day. Just say something simple like, "thinking about you Mom, and love you dearly...but this is best for now and I'm following the advice of the Dr for your well being." You could tell her you miss her very much, and will be coming in to see her as soon as you're allowed to do so. Stuff like that in a nice daily card. At least she'll know you haven't abandoned her, which she may start thinking as time drags on and she expects to see you walk through the door each day. It'll be reassuring to her, even though at first she may be mad as heck, but I bet she'll soon be waiting for the cards like they're gold!! Best of luck to you in this frustrating and sad journey!!

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support