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I talked to the Hospice Social Worker this morning that went to see my mom yesterday afternoon after her blow up. My mom told her she had worked too hard all her life to end up in a nursing home and that I put her there, but she knew people and she would get out.
I called to check on her this morning and the nurse said she had been very pleasant this morning and the hospice aid was with her giving her a bath.
She is on oxygen full time, either in her wheelchair or in the bed. She can use her walker to get to the bathroom which is about a 10 foot walk. She knows no one and if she did I sure wish they would have been giving me a hand all these years.
She told the social worker she knew I would be gone for a little while but I intend to stay away long enough for her to miss me and if that doesn't happen then I know like I have known for a long time she doesn't need me unless she "needs" me.
There is still guilt sticking me in the stomach this morning, but I am working on it.

There really is no way she could check herself out right ? She cannot drive, she is totally dependent on others to care for her. She has CHF, COPD, Liver disease, to name a few. I have POA over her.

Could this turn into a mess ? She has no where to go to, no home, no finances other than her social security that is paying for the NH. Matter of a fact, I pay for her cable, extra pads and denture adhesive out of my own pocket. Her $30.00 goes for the beauty shop at the NH which by the way is a 5 star.

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You should probably speak privately to the director of the NH just to make sure, but I don't think there is anyway they are going to let your mom check herself out...especially if you were involved with admitting her and had POA then as you do now. She can't set up living arrangements on her own without you and that is a must for discharge. I'm just speaking from a common sense angle.

But still, talk to someone there where she is cared for so that you set your mind at ease and comfortably do what you feel is best...such as stay away longer than she thinks or take a break for yourself or whatever.

She's not that unhappy or she wouldn't be pleasant with the staff. She's probably just homesick (who can blame her) but that can't be helped (too bad but who can blame you when you did so much all by yourself for so long!). It's not a great situation but evidently the best one in your case, all things considered.

Maybe talk to the social worker, too, if you aren't, already.
(3)
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She in no way can check herself out with her conditions so you don't have to worry about that. They keep a good eye the best they can and all exits require a code to be able to get through otherwise they would be chasing them down all day. It is good to hear that she is content with the staff that is a plus. It sounds like she saves all of her lashing out for you and this is just a way for her to probably in her mind to get her out. Continue with your intentions and relax, she is safe and in capable hands. You need time for you to strengthen. Best wishes to you.
(1)
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Today will start the second week. I think she will expect me today, but I really just don't want to go. They started her on Depakote last week and I am hoping that will take effect. I have called everyday and staff has said she is doing fine. She is not fussing and has had no chest pain. Last week was hard I will admit, but she has manipulated me as long as I can remember. I always hated her being mad at me for one thing it was hard. When I was a child if I displeased her she would stop talking to me not for a day but for weeks...that was harder than spankings and her spankings were never just swats on the behind. The decision you make dictate the life you lead. Thank you for your kind words. ;-)
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Wow. Your boundary setting is right for both you and your Mom. The NH is well-equipped to handle your Mom... and it sounds like you desperately need a break - and time to rebuild your own life. Bless you.
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I think this is common for caregivers, especially daughters. You have to grow thick skin & realize that she probably doesn't know what's going on. Do speak to the folks at the nursing home & the hospice workers. They see this sort of thing all the time & can be helpful. You are not alone & I'm sure you've done your best.
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All great support ideas...you do need a break from your Mom, as hard as that is to advise. Don't let the guilt eat you up; your Mom has punished you for a long time and probably for reasons even she does not realize. Of course, she is pleasant to the NH folks, they are not her daughter. You continue to stay away until the Depakote starts working so she is more relaxed. I would just keep calling the NH to check on her until you're ready to see her. The NH staff knows how to deal with this disorder and they would call you if there was an emergency anyway. There is a lifetime of anger in her and you can not possibly cope with all of that. It is hers to own, not for you to take on. You are doing what you need to do for your own health right now. I can't imagine punishing my children by not talking to them...are you an only child? Know you are not alone, there are many who share what you're experiencing and this site is a wonderful place to "talk". Keep your faith and stay healthy yourself. Let us know how your "first" visit goes when you go to see her. xxxooo
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As a nurse, I can assure you, she cannot check herself out of this nursing home, because that takes your signature Secondly, stop taking what she says personally as they are just words without meaning for her. I know they hurt. My husband says hurtful things all the time to me, and then I will leave him alone, go back 30 mins. later and he is cheery and has forgotten he just insulted me. It is the disease, and because she has very little time left, try to muster up strength within yourself to forgive her. She is not the bad guy, Alzheimer's or whatever dementia she has is. My best to you.
(3)
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Your story is mine--All I can say is I AM SO TIRED!!! And freaked out, worried, ...
(1)
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I am an only child. Thank you so very much. After reading these such wise, sweet comments the knots in my stomach has lessen. ;-)
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Hi. One thing I could suggest to you is since you have decided not to face your Mom in person, for fear that she will be angry and attempt to manipulate you again, (and you've had so much of that...who can blame you?) and it sounds as though you aren't calling and speaking to her on the phone (since that can be as horrible as an "in person" visit, a suggestion that may be kind to her, and also help you with guilt and lack of communication, would be to send her a nice card...maybe once a day. Just say something simple like, "thinking about you Mom, and love you dearly...but this is best for now and I'm following the advice of the Dr for your well being." You could tell her you miss her very much, and will be coming in to see her as soon as you're allowed to do so. Stuff like that in a nice daily card. At least she'll know you haven't abandoned her, which she may start thinking as time drags on and she expects to see you walk through the door each day. It'll be reassuring to her, even though at first she may be mad as heck, but I bet she'll soon be waiting for the cards like they're gold!! Best of luck to you in this frustrating and sad journey!!
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I don't know your mother, but I think Braida is wrong. She's thinking about how a normal loving mother would react. No offense intended, Braida, and I could be totally wrong.
(2)
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I agree and of course no offense to Braida either. I appreciate EVERY response I get ;-)..I am not sending a card and I am not going today. I am just not feeling it. Cards are hard for me anyway. Mother's Day Card are a struggle. I get her one every year but it takes me forever to pick it out. I don't have mushy feelings of growing up.
Her last words to me last Monday was... Well, I kept you didn't I ? Last week was hard for me and if the truth be known not for her unless she needed something I could provide. I did after she slammed me Monday go to the store and brought extra of the things I do provide for her so she would not do without and left them at the nurses station. I won't let her do without the things that provide her comfort. I think that it would be nice if one of the things were me. Thank you very much all of you...
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I agree with no contact...unless YOU feel the desire/want/need for it. Your mother has been this way forever from the sounds of it...it didn't just start happening with the onset of poor health, dementia, etc. You do NOT have to tolerate abuse from anyone...including your mother. You are making sure her needs are met and that she's well cared for. It's highly unlikely that your mom is going to change at this stage of her life. So, it's important that you take care of you, because she apparently never has except for your very basic needs.
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Sometimes, when I find myself impatient and sour with my mom, I remind myself that we respond to our parents the way they responded to us when we were growing up.
Moms lack of boundaries, self-absorption, short temper and bitterness were a hell of a thing to overcome. So, when I respond to her in a way I wish I hadn't, I remind myself that I'm trying my best and that she trained me how to treat her.

So stay away if you need to, it will not matter in the long run. Lay around, call a friend, buy a new shirt. Watch TV or go see a movie (I go alone all the time). Rest. Rest. Rest. You have already earned it and will need the strength soon. Bless you.
(4)
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I support you, also. I had a good childhood. But, this lady that my Mother has become is hateful. I stay away. (We have helped and she is in good hands.)
(1)
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We support you. Take a break.
Agree with first post, talk to director and document any discharge or notification plan so you have clarity on this for your peace of mind. They deal with this all the time. Legally they can't discharge her if she can't take care of herself and/or doesn't have a clear care plan including living arrangements, health assistance, etc.

Discharging yourself only occurs with AL or Senior Living where you are already independent. Even then, if there is a family member involved, they will notify that resident is planning to leave.

Don't worry. You've done the right thing for her, now give yourself permission to take a hiatus from the drama/trauma and get emotionally healthy and strong to face the next chapter.
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I have talked to everybody about her from the nursing home to hospice some several times in the past week. My lunch hour is spent now sitting in my car reading which trust me sounds boring but is pure heaven. I love to read and between working full time and visiting my mom reading is a HUGE treat. I believe I will feel it when it is time to go back. I need her to miss me I need her to appreciate what I do now will that happen ??? probably not, but I am just being honest here ;-)
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Just appreciate yourself. You are doing great.

What are you reading?
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I have currently on my e-reader have 22 books to read. I am always putting books on there in hopes of time to read. I am reading right now "One Heart to Win" the newest book by Johanna Lindsey. A complete no brainer romance...no deep thinking just pure entertainment. Thanks
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You are doing the right thing - taking care of yourself first. Your Mom is carrying some guilt about something and you are getting the brunt of it. Perhaps she made a mistake a long time ago and you are the product of that mistake and that is why she made that hurtful remark to you. It is not yours to own. I think staying away is the best thing for your health - you're keeping in touch with the NH and Hospice and if you have not discussed her treatment of you with them, please do so. Hospice is wonderful and they have the folks who you can talk to and get some closure on some of it. God bless you for taking care of your Mom even if you don't see her. I'm glad you're reading for enjoyment. Lots of good stuff out there. xxxooo
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She is being well taken care of. You did all you could and you did a great job. Stop beating yourself up and start taking care of YOU. Be strong and keep your distance for a while longer. Then limit your visits to once a month to bring her supplies, and visit for a short time.
My Moms "mental clock" is so screwed up, she can't tell yesterday from 2 months ago. I think time goes by so much faster for them.
You are doing great!
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I am keeping in contact everyday with the NH and Hospice too. They do know our situation. I have made some really good friends at the NH. Hospice is awesome too their social worker is really sweet.
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This situation of burnout could put the caregiver in danger of getting hurt or injured himself. Get a geriaric care manager or call Adult Protective Services NOW! This is declared an EMERGENCY!
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What ?? Patathome01 I don't understand.....
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I don't understand either. You've already taken care of any emergencies by having your Mom in the NH. And...you have started taking care of yourself by doing things for yourself now - you are on the road to recovery and in a month you will look back and say, "I feel great because I know I've done the right thing" Your Mom is being well taken care of and you don't have to visit her or send a card if you don't feel like it is the right thing. Maybe someday you will feel like giving her a single red carnation in a bud vase via the nurses station or something like that. Don't rush it, heal yourself and feel good about you first.
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What may be misunderstood here is that with Burt Out Part 2 situation, guilt could still cause a great concern. With the caregiver's guilt stress, the chance of getting healed is much more challenging, and she cannot therefore get control of her life as well. It is then best to get the situation under control BEFORE it becomes an emergency for both the caregiver and recipient!
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I went and visited my mama she was not mad and did not seem to realize I had been away for a week. It was a good visit short and sweet I told her I would be back in a couple of days i did some praying and it helped that and a xanax.
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That reminds me of my friend T who visited her mom every day. The other daughter, A, was only able to visit a couple of times a month. So, the mom told A that T only came by every week or so. Fortunately, my friends had a good sense of humor.
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I think yesterday was a sign that my mama really has no sense of time anymore. She knew I had not been there but I really expected a hell fit and that did not happen. She never mentioned the argument, I knew she would never say she was sorry ..in my 57 years I don't think I have heard I am sorry from her. I am not going to start the everyday thing again. It is crazy, exhausting and totally not necessary. I helped her get her gown on and got her ready for bed, straighten up her room. Every time I help her get dressed it is always such a realization of how frail she is. I cannot relive my childhood. I cannot make her the mother I wanted....that is what good therapy does for you ;-) Thank you all and I am sure I will be back again asking for advice and support. You guys are the best !!
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Thank you for this update. You are truly on your own road to recovery. She is being well taken care of and you can take great comfort in that. You've done your best for her. Prayers help. Know you are loved by those of us who share your posts. xxxooo
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