Thoughts about the future for me after my mom is gone.

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My poor mom ...somedays she is barley hanging on by a thread, while other days I feel so optimistec about how she is doing, and the possibility of her being around for quite some time. However, I have begun to think about what it is that I am going to do whenever the inevitable comes. It's very difficult to try to think about these things, but I know that it must be done. I've been trying to do this for about 6 months now, and I still have no idea. I have been saving money for over 3 years, but it's amazing how little it has come to. The worst part of it is that I live in California, and owning a home here is damn near impossible.
I'm curious if anyone has had to deal with these thoughts, and how successful, if at all they were. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst and exactly where I'm going to go when all is said and done( so to speak). I'm just going to be so overwhelmed with grief that I'm not going to be able to figure any of this stuff out later. Does this sound crazy?


You are not crazy. I had similar thoughts before my Dad died several years ago. I believe you are experiencing anticipatory grieving. When the time does come, it will be easier for you to cope with the loss of your loved one. Plan as best as you can for the future. Try to find some meaningful time with your Mom the best way that you can. I'm not certain if your Mom can communicate with you. Talk to her about some of your best family memories, even if she cannot respond back to you. God's blessings to you and your family.
I understand what you are feeling. I've been thinking the same thing. I had a home in Atlanta Ga. that I sold so that I could come back to nowhereville IN to take care of my mom because no one else would step up to the plate. My Dad wanted his house to stay in the family. Mom says she is leaving me the house and when I moved here I thought I wanted it. I've become so disillusioned about my family that I think the best thing is to sell it. I waited tables most of my life and don't have any savings. The money I made off my house paid for the debts I incurred when carpal tunnel left me in too much pain to work. I am seriously considering moving to a foreign country and living in a ashram. My family has felt it ok to leave me high and dry to take care of mom alone. I really don't want anything to do with any of them. I'll just say homeownership is not all it is cracked up to be. Maintanice is a big deal, maybe a condo would be better. I like you am afraid the grief is going to be hard to bear, its been me and mom against the world. I do think it will be my time to finally be free, and I don't think I want the responsibility of a house or any kind of payments. I can give much advice that I can't actually follow; try to stay focused in present moment awareness. The future rarely turns out the way we plan. What I keep being told is, all we really have is now. Hugs to you, I hope you find some peace of mind. God bless.
PeeWee: You are a very good soul and have cared for many of your friends as well as your mom. What kind of work did you do before your mom became so ill? How long have you been out of the work force? It doesn't hurt to throw ideas around, but it's good to also be open to the universe and not get overly controlling.

It could be that your need to think about these things come up more as your mom's health fails because you need a distraction for losing her or being a witness to her decline. That's ok too. No pressure. Be kind to yourself.

How about moving to Denver to be close to your son and grand kids? Tell us more about the thoughts you have had.

Comfort and Love to you, Cattails
Maybe it would be a good time to join a therapy session. It will teach you how better to deal when the time does come. Prevention never hurts. In the meantime count the blessings you do have with your Mom still here and think of a way to make this an unforgettable upcoming Mother's Day!!!!!!! Best Wishes, Love, Sherri
I can identify with you and I don't know yet what I will do when Mom goes. I hope that my siblings will not try to evict me out of the house that Mom is leaving me. I will have to let the lawyer take care of them. They will have to pay him (it is stipulated in the will) if they try to come against me. I feel I am protected, but the house will be too much to take care of if I don't get a job or have someone come in and rent. Upkeep? Oh, it is so expensive. If nothing breaks or goes bad it would be OK for a few years. I am not going to try to decide, but going to a foreign country sounds tempting but I am afraid of switching seats on the Titanic if I was to do that. I would have no idea of their customs and all. I think I would like to take a cruise and go to Israel. I have heard it is best to try not to make major decisions the first year after a death or divorce. Just how do you not make decisions? lol Everyday is a series of decisions, but I guess the major ones have to wait. Sometimes decisions are made for us by our circumstances. I hate the anticipation. I try to live in the now. Now I am going to take the dog for a walk.
My father died yesterday. I have been taking care of both my parents for 3 years.
He had frontal lobe dementia. Even though he was in final stages and I'd been living with anticipatory grief....his death took me by surprise at this time.
I can't stop crying...will I ever run out of tears.
Mom is able to travel so now I have to decide what to do about what she and I will do. Will we continue to live in their condo in Florida or do I take her back to
my home in Georgia. Florida has become my home and I've made many friends....but my grown children live mainly in Georgia. I am torn...think I will give it some time before I make any decisions.
It's not crazy. My mom passed away three months ago and of course, I am still grieving. It was hard for me to even imagine her not being her.Taking care of her took up so much of my time, but I miss her terribly. I very seldom went out of town and if I did, I made sure someone was going to look after her and I felt guilty for going. I let so much of my housework go because I work full time and spent almost all of my free time with her. So now, I plan a project every weekend and am getting caught up on alot of that stuff. Spend as much time as you can with her. As much time as I spent with Mom, I wish now that I had spent more. I would do it all over again to have her back, but I don't want to be back and be sick. She is with the Lord now and would not want to come back. Just focus on her now, everything else will fall into place when she's gone. God bless.........
I am in a similar situation and I think the term anticipatory grief is very appropriate. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband to help me with the financial and business ends of my mothers life, but there is an emotional pain that I just did not know about prior to going on this journey of supporting my mom. She is in assisted living which is a huge blessing. I know this has consumed my life for almost 3 years now and I cannot imagine how some of those who write comments here are doing it without support. It is a daunting and heroic task to care for another adults needs - and additional emotional pain when it is your mother. I cannot think of anything else, and it is so physically painful to watch my mother's health deteriorate (and others in her assisted living home). I feel like I have aged myself by 10 years in the last 3 years. I have not had time for friends and have isolated myself as I just don't have the energy to get out, laugh and enjoy others when my heart is breaking watching someone I love gradually dying. I too have asked myself how much will be left of me after this is over. I know I will not be the same person that I was ever again. I have a sister and brother who live out of State, and unable or unwilling to provide any relief. I try not to be bitter about this, as I know it is easy turn your head away when you are not faced with it each day. Bitterness will only do more damage to my spirit. I think it is good to not make any huge changes after this is over - I tell myself too that I just want to put myself into a completely different environment. I want to move, although, my husband and I have a very comfortable home and a lovely community. I just want to get away and clear my head of all of this pain and suffering. I feel like I will just be following my mothers footsteps to dying here in this town. I don't know either what I should do. I have a son about 4 hours away, and a daughter and grandchildren a couple of states away. I don't want to be any further from them....and I really don't want to live in either of their areas. I think I am going to need to travel a bit after my mom passes to clear my head before I can make any decisions. I also need to consider mu husbands needs. No matter how much I do for my mom I never feel it is enough and my mind flits in and out of conflicting emotions each day. This entire experience has challenged the very person I thought I was. Balancing my time and energy between my husbands needs and my mothers has been all consuming, and I no longer even know what my needs are or have the energy to nurture myself. My mother is basically an invalid, bu has her mental faculties, but it is very difficult for her to express herself because of a stroke. She is basically trapped. She has always been a private person, and isolates herself even in assisted living which leaves me running over to where she lives daily for her emotional support - it is so draining. Well sorry for rattling on...once I get started it pours out.
Hold onto your good memories. Obtain grieving counseling. Balancing time have been overwhelming but one must remember to take care of yourself, too.
I see exactly where you are coming from on this one. I too, cannot afford to buy a house and my parents had some savings which have been eked away by care costs and I have not the heart to tell them there will be nothing for me to inherit as they think what they saved will help me when they are gone. Its very hard when you have done your best for them and put them first for their final years but you can see a time coming when they won't be around and you are the one who will have the big problems - and in my case no other family so I am on my own. It may be niaive, but I like to think that what goes around comes around and that somehow, as long as I keep working hard, things will work out. Keep the faith and just do your best and keep putting away your savings. If there is a guardian angel out there for me I'll make sure she/he thinks of you too - good luck!

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