My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

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She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.

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Let me tell you about our mother. Since we were kids she's been putting us down. A new school year meant the nightmare of clothes-shopping, when she'd yell at me for being "so fat nothing ever fits". In the dressing room, in public. Once my sister was awarded a student of the year certificate. Mommy dearest said it must have been a mistake. Our whole lives she treated our father horribly, criticizing his every move, belittling (& keeping him from) his entire family, berating him for talking about his job. If he was upstairs she'd complain, if he was in his basement workshop, she'd complain. She hated living next door to his parents, hated them, hated their heritage & taught her daughters to not take pride in it. I loved my grandmother & she, to this day, resents that close relationship I had with her. She thought she was so much better than everybody--so much more sophisticated, worldly, "classy", better-dressed, with better taste, smarter, better EVERYTHING that it left her with few friends. Those who stuck around she talked incessantly about behind their backs (she still does, about the two or three who are still alive). She would often comment on other people's children who were so successful, so pretty, so rich, so this, so that--yet not acknowledge any success we might have. She still does that. She puts on this "nice" act for everybody, so we don't have anybody who'll take us seriously if we try telling them about the real HER. She's often related one of her favorite stories about the time she had a cashier at a store in tears because she was so mean to her. After our grandparents died, our parents kept their house & rented it out to several tenants over the years. She had problems with ALL of them, a few she even had screaming matches with, resulting in the police being called one time. Classy, yes? The people in the house next door to my grandparents' house were years-long targets of her hate (until they sold the house & moved away). She seemed to revel in the turmoil & used every excuse to keep it going & ramp up the hostility & animosity. My father could do nothing. He had long ago given up (obviously) on ever reasoning with her. Nobody ever could. She's always right, no matter what. When my sister got divorced she never missed a chance to bad-mouth her ex-husband to my two nieces, who were teenagers. That was at least 15 years ago, my sister's quite happy, yet mother dear still calls him "that piece of crap" if he's ever mentioned or if he happens to pop into her head. Her latest antics involve full-blown temper tantrums: in doctors offices, at CarMax (where she pounded on the counter & swore at the clerk, prompting a security guard to come & say if she didn't calm down the transaction would be cancelled), restaurants--always because she perceives that she's not getting her way. Several years ago we were out at a restaurant for a holiday. There were my sister & I, my husband, & our parents. They inadvertently gave the table our mother requested to another party. She had a complete fit, swearing & berating the host, acting completely insane. Did we leave? No. She's got everyone in her unfortunate circle so trained that our better judgement is ignored so as not to cause her to become further agitated, resulting in even more of a scene being created. Yes, she's a delight. I feel so bad that so many of us have this horror in our lives, especially at this stage of the game.
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Notagain, the idea that my post helped someone means a lot--thank you for saying so. My sister has been my therapist & link to sanity since this horror began a year & a half ago. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. I hope she feels even remotely the same about me being there for her. It's a terrible thing to know that your mother needs you but dislikes you so much she chooses to try managing on her own. We don't want to be around her, but as I said--we want to help. Her constant, unrelenting negativity is like being pelted with rocks, though, so maybe she's done us a favor by giving us the "out" we didn't have the guts to take before this. She's so textbook-narcissist it's scary. We'll all get through it somehow. I know that, because I know we're all very strong, having dealt with the knowledge that our mothers aren't loving our entire lives. This thread is always here for us to help us know we're not alone. Thanks again, and stay strong.
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Soo Doo, reading your story helps me a lot. I kinda envy the fact that you have a sister to add verification to what you are saying. I have a mother who is nice to everyone else and horrid to me but then tells stories that turn her meanness into my actions and I have no one to back up what I am saying. Your sister, at least, gives your version of what is happening validity- should you need to defend yourself. Hang in there!!!
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I don't have the energy to go into detail about what brought my sister & I to the latest chapter in the ongoing saga our mother has created. The big problem now, that's eating us alive, is that she's decided she doesn't want to see either of us again. She said this twice to my husband after he had brought her to sell her car. She told him we're mad at her because she called us "pieces of sh*t". Well, no, because she didn't. I guess she meant to, but she never got around to it. She's not too bad off, physically, but she needs help with stuff--food, rides, etc., and has nobody in her life besides us. As much of a nightmare as she is, we want to help her & aren't monsters that can simply walk away. Anyway, she also said we're mad because she didn't give us any money from the sale of the car. We've never asked her for anything; why would we expect any money for something we didn't sell? For some reason that neither my sister nor I can understand she's decided I'm the main villain. She told my husband I'm weird because I grocery shop the same day every week. She said I've "always been a weird person." Mind you, she's telling MY HUSBAND these things. She drags up things that happened when I was in high school to reinforce what a horrid human being I am (I'm 59 years old). He was there over the weekend to find out if she needed anything at the store and if she had laundry that needed doing. She told him she doesn't want me buying her anything & that I should "go to hell". She said she hasn't done anything (HA!) & why are we "punishing her", yet we should run to her after she makes it clear how she really feels? My sister & I want to be sure she has what she needs, but we don't want the abuse any longer & don't want to be in the company of such a hateful, mean, negative person. This is not the first time we've stayed away, but it feels like it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Knowing exactly what she thinks of me, how can I just shrug my shoulders & say "oh well, she's old" & go back for more? I'm not looking for answers; there aren't any. She won't take depression or anxiety medication, she won't go for any sort of counseling, which her doctor has recommended. Our father died in January & her narcissism has really bloomed without him there to temper it. She just sold our grandparents' house & gleefully told my husband how much richer she'll be & that she's got a really good lawyer to make sure sis & I don't get a dime. Fine. We don't want anything, never gave any indication that we did. Last year, when she & my father had live-in care (which was a total & complete nightmare, the offensively abusive way she treated the aides), she kept saying how the cost was taking up our "inheritance" & weren't we concerned about that? We told her no, that it was more important for them to be safe & cared for. Bottom line: she's 100% impossible & it's tragic that so many of us are dealing with such a disgusting situation. Good luck to all of us, and thanks for letting me vent.
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Oh my gosh, that could have been written by my sister, word for word! Except that she no longer lives close to my Mom, and probably thankfully so.
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Karenina - Hi Mother was first diagnosed when she was 96 and in hospital for a short visit, Her 24/7 senior nanny had had it and had a meltdown in front of the hospital staff. They called in a psych and she was diagnosed, but, of course still competent, Then mother decided to move to an ALF, lasted 6 months there and then moved to another ALF. There she developed vasc dementia and things got steadily worse. There was an episode which put her in hospital again and they diagnosed the BPD there again. She was given meds but refused to take them. Her behaviour worsened steadily -paranoia, and some difficulty with finances ete. The last hospital visit had resulted in her having visits by a psych nurse -community type care. Mother totally snowed the first nurse, but her case worker who had had known her longer saw the realities. I kept in touch with her and the community psychiatrist and once mother threatened suicide again they acted and took her to a geri psych hospital -would have done it forcibly if necessary but she went voluntarily. There she was thoroughly tested and they confirmed the BPD and VaD and recommended meds. She was not compliant so stayed there the better part of a year until the paranoia and delusions became bad enough that she agreed to the meds, It was a long and difficult journey.
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Karenina,
Doesn't it feel good to let it all out to a non-judgmental group? That's us.
My mom (narcissist and hypochondriac) put me through 3 months of h*ll one summer, as she was sure she was dying from some pain that started between her legs and slowly (over 3 months) moved from her lower abdomen into her upper chest. Of course she got ALL the tests Kaiser had. She wound up with not a thing wrong! I called her on it and said that she's fine and I will no longer listen to physical complaints. So, I hear ya'!

Struggling1,
How awesome! You have figured out how to beat her at her own game! YOU are in control of you and your response to her. Takes others a lifetime to figure that out.
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Im in this with you all....and until i found help on this site, I was soooo out of my league. Im 60- only child ( a/k/a the reason her life sucked.)
it goes back as far as i can remember and now, she is 91 in December. Yup, went thru the " its me's"- as a kid and now Im at the point where I have learned to do the right thing and walk away. When she starts one of her routines- Baby voice/ sick ole lady- I leave. Dying immediately, I leave- venom spewing, I leave. Whether its the room or her place- LEAVE.
To be honest there is some sort of good feeling now that I can do right by her care, but I have the power to end it IMMEDIATELY. Only took me 60 years. I pay her bills, handle her meds, and see there is grocery's, laundry, etc. and thats it. I figured out I dont have to love or like her, but I have to maintain what I KNOW is right from wrong.
It doesnt matter what diagnosis she has or doesnt have. Selfish, self centered, condescending, extremely jealous, vindictive, fowls mouth son of a b*tch does have to have a diagnosis when she has been this person her entire life. I dont care if she is 90, this is who she was when I was born and over the years have honed her craft.

Now kids, its about us. We, the damaged children of the miserable are torn between the life we grew up with and the lives we managed to achieve of our own, despite what we were programmed to accept. Ya, I said accept- because here we are today- struggling with the same thing all over again as we did with childhood. AND WHY, because they are aged?

So lets get it out there- if you can walk away, do it. The longer you stand there the more it gets into your brain and there we are being reprogrammed back to the good ole days. I see her 3 times a week. I limit the visit to her mouth. She is decent, I stay longer. Once it starts, Im out the door. All calls goes to VM- I play it, if its nasty, I do not respond, pleasant I call her back. I have hired help, she fired them. Now my attitude is different.

She is nocturnal and will get bored during the night- no longer my problem. When I go to her place and she wants to sleep or fake dying...I leave. Minutes later, my phone will ring and she will have some excuse and want to know if Im coming back. I dont. So she has pretty much stopped that one.

I have learned we can have some sort of control and its not over them, its over us. Do the things we need to do for an aging parent, yet its ok not to love or like them.

Somewhere in my head I pictured me- standing there- with a box, full of rocks, dirt and ugly stuff. It stunk to high heaven and I could barely hold it up anymore. Then I handed it back to her and thought- here, this is yours, not mine......and boom, honest to God, I changed, right then and there. I have no explanation for this, it just happened and I am grateful. How my mind wandered to that senerio- no clue.... Im throwing this out there and if it helps great. This thread was a God send for me to find and probably where something clicked in me. I got advice and didnt even realize it was clicking.
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Golden23, how did you get a diagnosis? My brother seems to agree with me that 'mother' should go to geriatric psychiatrist. But then won't follow through. I am the culprit who got her license taken away. Anyway, I know she won't be honest with a psych. How can they diagnose without interviewing family? Just curious. I doubt there is any hope of improving my situation. I follow this thread and the one about narcissist mothers. So good that others are in same boat. Wishing I could set her adrift. She likes to take or move our stuff (also hers) and claims she isn't aware she is touching other people's things. Clearly everything belongs to her. We have to keep our rooms locked and basically everything in our (mine and daughter's) rooms. I refuse to look for her lost items since she accuses me of stealing. Zero boundaries. It is not possible for her to tell the truth as her memories are immediately altered to fit her ego centric narrative. My brother and I do not trust ANYONE because of her craziness and lies. She has no idea why my dad left her. She claimed a terminal illness for a full 17 years, refusing medical tests. Saying they know it will kill her while Dad shook his head, no. They told her to go to a psych. Finally got tests and voila, no symptoms, no recollection of said illness ever again. I could write a book. Everyone outside of immediate family believes her (at least we assume so) as she constantly told lies about us making herself to be a victim. I wish this could just end. I spent most of my life 2000 miles away. But I have chronic fatigue syndrome and own a house locally as I couldn't sell and lose my equity in fallen market. I hate what kind of teen years my daughter is having. Every single day is crazy. She held up her size 10 diaper pants and asked if I could squeeze into them, claiming she feels sorry for me due to my protruding stomach. People, I wear a size 4. I have minimal stomach for a 58 yo. Yet she can look at me and think I am bigger than her. Ahhhhh that rant felt good.
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lizzie7. Sorry to repeat myself but what is said on this thread I wish I had read years ago. Life is not a given. If someone is cruel, and it's obvious they do not change with kindness, it takes so much strength, but you must,must claim your time. You said it beautifully🐶
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