Frustrated Daughter!!!

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My name is Debbie, my parents have a 24/7 caregiver! My Mom is 91, blind, 80% deaf, has Stage 2 colin cancer and hard headed. My dad has sever dimentia, Parkinson's and that is the main reason they have 24/7 care. There are so many problems. First, my Mom doesn't like the caregiver, she is from Ghana and she can't understand her. She takes (the caregiver) care of my Dad's toileting, bathing, puts him to bed, gets him up and dressed, etc., I feed him his lunch and sometimes breakfast. I go there every day and bring their food, make their food, take them to dr. appts., do housework, pay bills and take care of their finances, etc. I'm there about 3 hours a day. My Mom has nothing much good to say to me, my Dad is pitiful, has to wear diapers, be fed, his hands don't work. My mom argues with him, if he says something that is absolutely not true. Makes him mad. The girl there can't cook! I have to put their dinner on plates and give specific instructions on what to heat, and what not. She once microwaved an egg salad sandwich!!! She's been spoken to more than once about scrubbing my dad to hard, his skin is thin. My mom has me read her bank statement every day because she can't remember and is sure they'll be living under a bridge in a year. I'm not getting any help at all from my brother!! Okay, I've bitched enough, any suggestions?

47 Comments

Dear Debbie

I am a full time caregiver to my Mother age 82 and Father 84. My father has stage 5 altzheimer's. My Mother suffers from back pain and manages the pain with pain meds, pain patches and PT. My brother handles their finances for them. My younger sister does nothing and sees them when she feels like it. I do hire in a caregiver once a week to relieve me. She does not bathed my dad though. I do that. I suggest you get a better caregiver who can speak and understand English. Who is willing and able to help with meals. Sounds like you need more help. Can they afford it? Someone to do the housecleaning...maybe help take them to appointments. How do you feel about nursing home especially for your father who has dementia. Is he bad enough yet? I mean if you aren't okay you will burn out and noone will be able to look after their welfare or take care of them. Good luck there are no easy answers. I wish you all the best as I do even for myself.
Cindi - encouraging to know others are going thru the same thing. This lady is there 24/7 and all of the caregiving services employ the same people from this country. My dad was in a convalescent center for 2 weeks last year and cried everyday to go home, and his mind actually got worse during that time and never came back. He said they drew their hand back and threatened to hit him. I don't trust those places. At least he has someone just for him there. I just don't know why the simplest things are so difficult for the caregiver. I've told her more than once to bathe him gently because his skin's so thin. I've called her supervisor too. I'll just keep reminding her. I've gotten more assertive in the last year when it comes to his comfort. At first, I was afraid to complain, but realized they're paying good money (5,000 a mo.) and should abide by our requests and wishes. And my mom being constantly angry with her, for no real good reason doesn't help. Thanks for listening/reading...I wish the best to you and your family too!
Debbie - Has your brother given you a reason for not helping? What does your mother say about him not helping?
Dear Caring4Alice: Thanks for your comment. He is really oblivious to what's going on. He has a wife who is very able to support the family, so he's "Mr. Mom," His boys, ages 4 and 10, are in school full-time now, he lives an hour away and could come by at least once or twice a week and it just doesn't occur to him. I'd still come every day, but he needs to spend time with them. I came out and asked him to come over last month to take our Dad to the barber and he came assuming I was driving them there...He had no room in his car, so I gave him my keys and he and the caretaker took him. I could have taken him, the point was I wanted him to have one on one time with him. Pardon me but....duh!!! The man is 50 years old! Get a hint!! My mom says he's just busy with the boys. I don't think he wants to deal with it. My Dad hears more from my 29 year old blind son who lives 3 hours away!!! Do I sound angry, frustrated, or selfish?
Angry and frustrated – rightfully so! Selfish? Far from it. I’m truly amazed how often I hear that the one who gives the most gets all the complaints (personal) and the siblings who don’t carry their weight are excused.
Wow! I can definitely relate to what you're going through. We, as caregivers, always get the bad end of the stick for some reasons. I deal with my Mom's finances and my brother begs, and borrows but never pays back - he's a leach. But yet my Mom feels that I am doing her wrong and taking her money. I pay her bills and get her what she needs. Now I have had to lock down all of the accounts so that my brother can't get to the monies, and I am really a B_ _ _ ch now.

You have EVERY right to be angry and frustrated, because they just don't get it. The one's that take care of them are the one's that they hate, and the one's that rip them off and don't care about them are the one's that they love.
You're right, you Cindi both. My mom got on the scales today and has lost 10 lbs. I said, "see, I told you you didn't have to worry about eating too much." She said, "well, I haven't really eaten anything that was very good." I just said, thanks. She thinks she's being funny, but I lay in bed at night wondering what I can make that'll make her happy. My Pop seems to appreciate it more than her, not that I expect praise, but don't cut me down. I'm gonna bring over a case of tomato soup and call it a day, lol. No, I won't. As far as finances, it kills her she can't see to take care of her own. I'd love to get out of that part of it, but I'll be damned if I'll turn that task over to my brother. He'd rip them off in a heartbeat. He's already asked for part of his "interitance" to buy a car. I told him no way, that Mom wouldn't go for that, but I think I already said that before. We all just have to keep our collective chins up and plug on. Thanks!
I feel your pain. My mother has dementia and broke her back twice in 3 years. She is now in a wheelchair. She lived with my husand and family three different times. I put her in the Adult Day Care Center while I worked, would then take her to pt 3 times a week, go home bathe her and do everything else a mom and wife does. My sister lives 2 hours away and does nothing but comes and sees her when she feels like it. I finally had to put her in a nursing home. She is very depressed. I go see her every day, deal with all the finances and it is very hard. It is very stressful mentally and physically for me but I can't stop. Who would see to it that she is being taken are of. I feel alot of guilt and shouldn't
Sunnyday - you are in the same boat as I am, as far as trying as hard as you can and getting no support. We want the best for our parents. Today, I noticed my dad stares at nothing...I've noticed it the last couple of days. He got up, on his own at noon and went to bed. I covered him up and that was it. He thought it was midnight. He got up a couple of hours later with the caretaker and by then I'd gone home. It's sad to see this.
debigm423 How was your day? I have just collapsed after working and dealing with issues at the nursing home where my mom is. Don't get me wrong. It is a very nice nursing home, clean, and alot of good staff. I go everyday and they know to expect me. There are a few bad apples out there but with the bad experiences we have had with the last two I can say that I know mom is safe and being taken care of. It is very sad to see your parents decline. My mom worked up untill the age of 72 and then two of her best friends died within monthes of each other, and mom just started spiraling down. I am just mentally exhausted and I know how you feel. Talking about it seems to help me alot and to get suggestions from others. Keep me posted and I will keep you in my prayers. Sunnyday

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