What to say when people want to visit my mom in MC?

I think they have good intentions, they're just uninformed.

Tell them you'd be happy to give mom their gifts, but she needs time to adjust.

If they press... then all niceness is out the window

Let them know:

"This is an 'adjustment period,' and she needs time to get more comfortable with her new surroundings/environment." And

"The family all appreciates your concern and caring. We will let you know when it is appropriate to visit, when she can handle more stimuli, without getting agitated." (In case they do not know that she is / could get agitated).

I wouldn't go into long stories.

* Ask them to send cards - with pretty pictures / photos so when you are there, you can show them to her and talk about them.

Gena / Touch Matters

Arkh64: Well-intentioned individuals who are parishioners may have zero data on the disease of dementia, specifically Alzheimer's that you state your mom suffers from on your profile. Your mother has also specified that she does not want any visitors. You've done your part requesting no visitors other than family. If these parishioners don't 'get it,' that's on them or you can inform the church's pastor.

It’s a shame that updates aren’t posted in bold giant red letters! LOL 😝

Update from the horse’s mouth!

OP’s mom is NOT going to be receiving any visits from anyone other than family!

When my daddy was in a facility I informed all that visitation was not an option, then I would give updates - like he is doing fine, he is adjusting to his surroundings, he has made a friend. If someone approached me and asked for more info I would just repeat myself. close friends knew more but acquaintances I would just repeat and say thank you for asking. My mama told me once - if people have enough guts to ask - you need to have enough guts to say no! or yes! depending on situation. If they don't like it too bad is my thinking and I'm too old to care.

OP posted an update on May 13th. Her mom doesn’t want any visitors. Only family members will be visiting. The OP has told visitors not to visit.

I agree that you should voice your concerns and your mom's wishes for no visitors to the pastor of her church. He can instruct the pushy parishioners that visitation is not an option. If they are sincere in their concern for her, I also like the idea of donations to her care rather than gifts that would go unappreciated. But let the pastor take care of this. You have enough on your plate. Blessings to you for being so kind hearted.

My father is in assisted living with dementia, the facility does have a MC but with extra help he’s happy in AL. My father has had friends call and want to visit at first he said no, I asked him would he feel better if I were there during there visit, or would you like me to put the visit off. He said ok invite them and be here. We have had visits and he enjoyed the visit. I of course have a talk with the visitors and let them know his situation, if during the visit I see and sense any uncomfortable situation I steer the conversation a different direction. I visit 3 times a week and feel that the more the visit from me and others enrich my Dads life even if I read the paper, toss playing cards around or paint a rock, watch a movie it doesn’t matter he knows I’m there for him and he feels loved.

Each situation is unique. It sounds like your mother still has enough cognition and communication skills to share her preferences. That should be honored. However, is she rejecting the visitors because it is overwhelming or uninteresting, or is she embarrassed by her situation? If the latter, then help to overcome that might be a good idea.

And . . . it takes a toll when people are warehoused and removed from their friends. It is really heartbreaking when you see people who are mildly challenged placed in an environment where most of the other people are significantly or extremely challenged.

Random visitors from the church could be disorienting and irritating for her. On the other hand, a friend from the church who she is familiar with, and who intends to visit regularly would likely be a good thing.

I visit a friend with AD weekly. Her son visits probably 3-4 times a week. My friend has told me directly how much she appreciates my visits. Sometimes she is too tired or otherwise not interested in a long visit, and I leave. Sometimes I take her out of the facility and for a drive along the coast and once in a while we sit under a pavilion by the beach. She loves that. I rarely see other visitors at the facility. Residents there are happy to see me even though I rarely spend much time with them -- but a smiling visitor who says "hello" seems to really make a difference, even if for a moment. I am not surprised.

I told our church she can not remember them or have real conversations. I decided to not encourage visits by people she most likely does not know. She has family visits 5-6x a week. She has staff and friends she spends time with.

Give the head of her church instructions. You are nobody's secretary. It would be good for your mom to have visitors.

Tell them that she's still acclimating to memory care and will need more time before visitors can start coming.

Set up a group chat on social media. When a person calls, tell them you'll put them on the chat and to not call you again. You will update everyone on your mother and anything new. Then don't take anymore calls.

Put it in the chat that if they want to send cards to send it to you and you'll make sure she gets it, but please do not send gifts. If they want to contribute a cash donation to her memory care/nursing home in-house account for things like hair cuts and other incidentals then set that up for online donations that go through you.

I would kindly tell them thank you for the interest in visiting mom, but this is an overwhelming adjustment for her and a very confusing time for her and we are not accepting visitors at this time. Ask them to keep your mom in their prayers and thank them for respecting your family's need for privacy at this time.

Before my mom was diagnosed with dementia, my husbands aunt developed dementia and she lived an hour and a half away and we ended up moving her closer to us so we could manage her care as we were the only family she had. We never dreamed that we would need to tell people that this was a locked down memory care unit and we were not allowing random visitors to show up unannounced. Her church loaded a bus of people and drove the hour and a half and visited her without us knowing. She was a very private person and carried herself in old school style with hair set and dresses with panty hose every day, etc. Very prim and proper. Obviously in late stage dementia she was no longer able to maintain herself in that way. She would have been mortified that those people came to see her had she been in her right mind. They obviously didn't understand that she no longer knew them...she didn't even know us. She was incontinent, she was cursing which was totally out of character for her and they are the last thing she needed walking in the door unannounced. These people are pushy and you have to be firm and upfront with them and just tell them no.

Your obligation is to your moms wellbeing...not theirs.

I’m glad that you discussed this situation with your mom and know her wishes. You did well by following your instincts.

This is a personal choice for your mom to make. Regardless of visitors good intentions, she shouldn’t feel pressured to receive any visitors from the church if she doesn’t want to see them.

One of my dad’s brothers had horrible memories of his childhood church.

My father and his brothers grew up in a rural part of Florida They went to a strict Pentecostal church. My uncle stopped attending church when he became an adult.

My uncle made it known to everyone that he didn’t want visitors from a church or any kind of clergy visiting him.

I remember my uncle asking the hospital chaplain to please leave his room. My parents told the hospital staff not to send clergy to his room.

My uncle did not believe in God. He knew that he was dying from cancer and told my parents that he was donating his body to science. He didn’t want any religious service when he died and my parents respected his wishes.

perhaps they could send cards. you could tell them she is not quite settled in to her new surroundings and visitors have a way of aggravating her progress because she gets confused.

update- Yesterday my mom was pretty sharp so I asked her if she wanted these visitors. She emphatically said NO- then got worked up and I had to redirect. She definitely made her wishes known- no visitors except immediate family. I'm glad I held the well wishers at bay.

Do-gooders, sometimes don't do good at all. Unless they were 'friends' with your Mother and Father, why do they feel the need to visit her in memory care. I know this sounds harsh. But where were they in the meantime, before memory care.

I would say no to church visitors. My sister is in MC and she doesn't want visitors, even very close friends of hers that she loves. She can still communicate, and I have gently asked her on many occasions if she would like to have friends visit. I hired a Visiting Angel for companion care over a year ago. My sister enjoys having the Angel visit. My sister wants me there all the time which I told her I cannot do. I would be concerned that the visitors do not understand how to respond to someone with dementia. My response to visitation requests: "At this time, she doesn't want visitors. Thank you for thinking of her." However, if she wants visitors, keep the number at 1 or 2 and 20-30 min max.

The more people that come around to visit in a facility the better.

It might be your FATHER who could really use the socializing and support for HIMSELF. Would HE enjoy being asked to go out for coffee, or other social church activities or have visitors come to his home? I would make all decisions in conjunction with your father, and do everything slowly and in moderation. Visitors for your mom would mean well, but in the long run might create more work or stress for your father. Consider also that your mom has built in support in the MC home. Ask you dad what would be most helpful to HIM. I imagine this is a huge change for him and that he might feel isolated after caring for your mom as her illness progressed. Let me explain...

If people weren't visiting your mom before she was in memory care, I would be careful about introducing a new slate of visitors for her. Was your mom a social person before? If not, consider just one or two people who will commit to visiting her consistently for the long term. This would allow them to accumulate some experience on how to support her and be sensitive to her ever changing abilities and needs, and allow your mom to adjust to them. It's not all memory loss and repetitive conversation, it can also be very uncomfortable talk of confabulations and paranoia that some visitors might feel compelled to report or gossip about, such as "someone stole your mom's wedding ring", or "she said no family has visited her in weeks" (my dad, even though I came almost every day). Limited visitors would also allow your dad to receive meaningful feedback. Most people with cognitive issues need consistency and routine, not a parade of even more faces every week.

I continued (paid) "social companion" visits for my dad when he entered memory care. Even when he was getting these visits in his home, we limited it to three individuals. I was startled when after about a month in MC, one of the staff said the visitors were taking him out of the routines of the home like dining with the other residents and joining in on "fitness" games, that this might slow his adaptation to his new environment, and that sometimes my dad slept through their visit.

In retrospect, I believe I insisted on keeping the socializing service to help ME feel better. The visitors were a second set of eyes and ears to report back to me (in addition to the staff). Also, it was very hard for me to admit that my father had declined to the level that I perceived the other residents to be at, though of course I could only see on a superficial level how the other residents were functioning. I felt the visitors allowed him to continue to function at a higher level, and I still believe it did, for a while. The visitors also allowed me to take more time for myself.

I believe supporting your FATHER needs to be at the center of this decision. If your father is getting adequate support, your mom will be too.

Tell them that she is "transitioning" and "learning to thrive" in her new home. You do not want to cause her undue distress while she is in this process. Tell them that you will notify your father when she is stable enough for visitors. He can notify them.

The posters who have brought up the point that ‘Mom’ may not be comfortable receiving visitors is an excellent point.

I asked the OP in an earlier post how her mom felt about receiving visitors.

I agree that the family should require certain stipulations be honored if they decide to allow visitors.

Ask them, when they do visit, not to bring her gifts. Tell them her room is not big enough to have more than she does. And please, no food. She is fed well and has snacks. Even if a fib, tell them her diet is being monitored. Also, that she needs to acclimate herself to the MC. And to remember not more than 2 at a time and no need to visit too long. It actually overwhelmes people who suffer from dementia. Then tell them to call Dad.

Some people don't want a lot of visitors. Some love having them.

I didn't want visitors in the first two weeks after surgery. I needed to sleep and take care of myself, and I asked them to stay away. My neighbor didn't want the whole neighborhood dropping in after her husband died. People respected her wishes. One of the worst days in my life was when I brought my firstborn home from the hospital, and our dear friends came "to see the baby" and stayed for three hours (I'd had a difficult childbirth, didn't want to talk about it, and thought it would be rude to ask them to leave so I could rest). Another neighbor wanted people to drop in and stay all day every day during her recovery from surgery, so she wouldn't feel lonely.

It's an individual thing. Do what you think your mom would want.

Unless they're close family, I'd be inclined to say no. Why visit? I feel like the effort to educate them would be more work than it's worth and letting them just go visit without understanding her specific situation would not be great for anyone.

Totally agree with letting these people know Mom needs more time to adjust .

Only you or Dad will know when Mom may respond well to visitors .

My mother with dementia did not want her neighbors or her few friends visiting her at all . She specifically told me not to tell them she was in AL . Mom was embarrassed . Mom’s desire to keep her location private never changed .

Perhaps after your Mom adjusts , you could ask Mom who she would like to visit her from church if any . Maybe Mom can express the names of those she considered to be genuine friends , or can recognize names of people she is comfortable with if you tell her names of people at church . If not maybe Dad can weed out those that are just curious .

After Mom adjusts more , asking Mom about who she would like to visit her may be a good way to see if she is ready for visitors. The subject of visitors can always be brought up again , one “No” from Mom doesn’t have to mean never .

So sorry but we're letting mom acclimate to her new environment for another few months before she'll be ready for visitors. I'll let you know when, and thanks SO much for your kindness.

In other words, don't call me, I'll call you.

Only you know what will upset or aggravate your mother, not a bunch of forum users on the internet. Plus, nosey gossiping women DO exist in life, even in churches! I know that for a fact.

So this was your mother's church?
Are you certain she would not want visits from them?
Or is it that her dementia is so far advanced that she would not know who they are, and would be upset by the visits?

In either case, this isn't a very difficult problem. If you and Dad are her POA you simply go to the Pastor of the Church and ask that there be an announcement that she cannot receive visits and that they are confusing/upsetting for her, but that their loving prayers are appreciated.

You can also let the Nursing Home know exactly who CAN visit and no others. They will turn people away at the desk.

Best to you.

A lot of it is probably curiosity – what’s SHE like now, what’s IT like, what does this mean for ME. It will drop off, so work out what would be nice for M now. Even just waiting for another month will sort out the people whose ‘curiosity’ has already moved on.

The ‘visiting tree’ sounds like a good idea, to pick up on later. For now, ask callers if they would be willing to organise it, or if they know someone who would do it. That will also help to sort out people who really care.

Since these are all church friends is there a way they can arrange a "visiting tree" where 1 or 2 people visit a week so it does not overwhelm mom?
Explain to them that this is all new to mom and that she needs to get settled in and used to the routine.
You can also explain that if it does become overwhelming that visiting will be more limited.
Trust me the vising sadly will not last long as these "well wishers" will go on with their lives.