I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?

Lizard, It seems like a lot of us have guilt, fear, and the need to take care of ourselves. I doubt it that if you brought your mother home now she would be okay. Aging takes place no matter where they are. Just do your best, let her stay there, and take good care of yourself. You can do the best for your mother if you stay healthy and go to the NH to oversee things, so to speak. Yes, we do care of each other here. I am saying all these things with love.

LIZ:

Your post reminded me of all the misery my Dad went through until he passed, and right now I'm almost blinded by tears that hurt my throat and give me a headache as I try to hold them back. But sc__w it! Let them flow.

You're fighting 2 wars on 2 different fronts. On the one hand giving in, giving up, and surrendering isn't an option when it comes to your Mom. On the other, self-preservation. Trying to keep yourself from unraveling vis-a-vis Mom's condition(s) is a daily balancing act.

The 2nd guessing and the guilt will always be there, but you're doing the best you can with what you have.

I bid you farewell for now my Queen. Stay in touch, or we'll come looking for you.

Thank you all for your kind words. I have never in all these years had so may people think about ME! My mom is very sick this time. She is septic(blood infection) which has caused more breathing problem and now cardiac issues. She has a bacteria that is similar to ecoli, in her blood. Drs suspect she contracted it from the nursing home. There is 1 bathroom to 4 people. And on more than one occasion I have witnessed the bathroom a nasty mess. Believe me I notified the staff several times. Other than that we liked the NH. But i feel at this time I need to transfer to a different facility, one with all private rooms. I don't really no if that will even help. I'm so beside myside my self and exhausted with worry. Since they were able to find out where and what the bacteria came from they should be able to treat it aggressiively. Please keep her in your prayers. Thanks for lisening!!!!!

Don't second guess yourself. This is bigger than you, something bigger than you is in control. You are used to "being ON" for the last five years, with the momentum of a non-stop caregiver. You have too much time to think about it now, since that has been your primary focus! You need to find something else to do, and you will. It will happen. Give yourself some space and attention. Rest and Heal:) Hugs xo

I have been through a similar experience and 2 years later I still feel guitly, but unlike you I did not care for my Mother at all prior to her going to hospital for a year. My Mother had to go into a Nursing home upon leaving hospital and my nightmare began, as we did not like the home etc,. We moved her and her health changed daily, somedays good, others bad. But now with 2 years behind us, I realised that if I had my Mother at home with me, then I would probadly have a broken marriage, a poor relationship with my daughters and I believe very bad physical and mental health. So although what is going on in your life now, please let go! I don't worry about germs and I don't worry about other peoples opinions, all I care about is giving my best and realising that my best is offered when I am strong. We have to accept things that we cannot change and work with it and around it. The outcome will probably still be the same on whatever decision we take. My Mother is now settled and her health has improved and I am trying to be grateful that we are not alone when times get tough and that we have homes for people who need nursing help. A nurse is in my Mothers unit 24/7, and I could not offer that clinical knowledge. I wish you all the very best and hope you are able to congratulate yourself on having helped your Mother for 5 years and realise how burnt out you were. Take care of yourself in order for you to visit your Mum daily (if you want) and enjoy sometime for yourself. Your Mother will be proud of you knowing that you tried so hard and have cared so much. x

Carol said it in her very first sentence to you: Your decision isn't the problem. You did not cause her COPD, or congestive heart failure, or dementia. This is not your fault. It is understandable that you feel very very sad in this situation, but there is no need to add guilt on top of that. If you'd had her home, she probably would still need to be taken to the hospital every 2 weeks. It is her diseases that give her these urgent episodes -- not who is taking care of her where.

Hugs to you. It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one bit by bit to dementia. It is anguish to watch the physical deterioration of a loved one. Let yourself grieve, unhampered by guilt. This is not your fault.

Your decision isn't the problem. Yes, she is surrounded by new germs - the hospital is worse when it comes to that. But your mom is too sick for one person to care for her.
You will do her more good by staying healthy and doing what you can for her in the current situation that by trying to take her home - sick as she is - and getting sick yourself. Nearly all of us have these guilty feelings. It's natural and normal. But you are getting her the help she needs. She is very sick and would not likely do better at home.
You can't sacrifice yourself - she would not want that, believe me. You are doing what needs to be done. Be at her side when you can, work with the doctors and staff, and then understand that if she got sicker at home, you blame yourself for that. Caregivers second guess themselves constantly - it's the name of the game. Please take care of yourself, for her as well as for you.
Carol