I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?

Lizard, I feel your pain, as I am going though the exact same thing right now. I have cared solo for my mom, who is 92 for over four years. she is currently in Rehab after a terrible case of pneumonia. Her kidneys had failed at one point, and they gave her until the weekend to live. This is the third time in a year she has had pneumonia.
Her condition is CHF. COPD, AFib, Dementia, and she is failing. Today I learned that her PT will stop tomorrow, and Medicare will stop. They think she is to much for me to care for but her nurses think she will be fine at home.
My problem is burn out. My head feel like it has a band around it, and I am feeling guilty at the concept that i may have to make her permanent.
she can't getr phlegm up, causing the pneumonia, so i feel it will be only a matter of time before this happens again. The nurses at the hospital tell me one time she will just not rally at all- I am at a cross roads as to bring her home, or leave her in their care. the nursing home she is in for rehab is the best in the area....I just cringe at it!

Lizard, your situation reminds me so much of what I am going through at this moment. I have been the sole caregiver for my 91 year old mom since she broke her hip over 4 yrs ago. Before the break, she had a little dementia, but not bad.
Since the break she has CHF, COPD, Abib, and the dementia gets constantly worse. This year she has been in the hospital three times with pneumonia, and is currently in Rehab. The facility told me today that her PT will stop tomorrow, and I am at a cross roads as to what to do. I want so much to continue to care for her but I am losing myself. With this last bout with pneumonia her kidneys failed, and they gave her only a couple of days to live. She was able to tolerate one dialysis treatment and she pulled through. The nurses at the hospital tell me one time she just won’t rally. She gets a lot of phlegm and has trouble getting it up, hence problems.
She gets weaker each time, and I am not sure I can physically take care of her any more but I also can’t put her long term in a nursing home. The place is Ok as they go, but I feel like I am letting her down. The nurses at the facility think she would be Ok for a while at home. The social workers thnk she should stay. I am trying to assess the situation myself and decide, but I am so torn. My head feel like it has a constant band around it. My boyfriend just wants me to make a cut and dry decision and gets mad when I go back and forth, but it is my mom

Oh boy, Brandywine we are living the same life and my heart goes out to you. Being torn is such a horrible position to be in. I don't have any advice for you and I wish there was an easy answer. I love my Mom so much and before this last episode in the hospital she asked me not to give up on her. Heartbreaking since she is my life. Since then she has declined alot hasn't even begun Pt because she is so weak. I wonder if she will ever bouce back from this. How do we decide? Like you,I can't physically handle her because she is completely immobile. Its so hard admitting we can't help our moms anymore. I hate it. I appreciate you telling me, because it is comforting knowing someone out there understands! Thank you! And please keepin contact with me as you go thru this. You are not alone! Hugs to you!

Brandywine and Lizard, you are suffering. You're situations have the emotional pull and turmoil that I went through also. I was (am) on my third marriage, but at least this one has lasted 28 years. The insecurity and fear of upsetting my husband (whom was uncomplaining but not very helpful) in taking care of my mother in our home was not an easy time. My son, whom loved his grandmother very much and had in the past been very, very helpful in caring for her, leaving work to help me get her up when she just sat down on the front steps coming into the house, helping me bathe her, taking her for appointments, etc., couldn't bring himself to help much anymore. I think he was too saddened by her deterioration. I felt so alone and so sad. Being overwhelmed by all of this, it was very hard to find the calm spot inside of me to know this was a normal and natural part of life, that NO ONE escapes and I was doing all I could do.
I had been "brought-up" Episcopalian, but my mother encouraged me to find what was right for me. I converted to Judaism, Catholicism and finally began reading about Buddhism. She knew about Buddhism. I only mention that because that is where I found what sounded true to me. Buddhism is not about deities or supernatural being worship, but more or less, scientific truths. The teachers are masters at helping people find comfort in the form of humanity we are stuck in.
Let me offer the following video of someone talking about loved ones sufferings. No one in Buddhism ever tries to "convert" anyone....there is nothing to convert them to! We are already human! But they sure do know a lot about compassion and reality. This teacher is Ajahn Brahm and is obviously someone from the U.K. or Austrailia or somewhere. I just found this googling "Buddhists thoughts on caretaking and aging".because I didn't know about him before. I hope it helps.

Well here we are again, this time 3 weeks after being discharged from the hospital she is sick again. My poor, sweet mom, she doesn't deserve any of this. As I left her tonight I wondered if this was it. How much can one body take? Weeks of illnesses, deteriation(sp?). I think I know the outcome but can't bring myself to admit it. I keep thinking back to when she was in my care, and I was so selfish, thinking about how burntout I was. How overwhelmed,tired,sick etc. This is so much worse. She is suffering everyday. I would do anything to go back to that time. She was aleast happy even tho I was miserable. So selfish. Iow do I cope with this? The torture? How do I go about my life when she is hurting and declining? My poor boys. I am so conflicted. Scared sick. :'(

Your one statement said: "She is very sick and would not likely do better at home." That might be your answer in a nutshell. However - Hospice and mobile doctor's will help in the home if you wanted to go that route. But if your heart / head says she is in better hands there....then maybe it's best. She might live longer with you but if she isn't any healthier or in pain would you want that for her? If you think she is ready to pass on - maybe you want to let her pass on in her home with you and family. All 'homes' are run differently. Most are short of help, and they heat it up during the day then hit the AC at night - so they can clean. Consequently everyone gets colds or worse.

Sorry, I just read more of the above. My mother was immobile as well and around 130 lbs. when I got her, then she slowly lost weight over a year and 1/2 to about 95lbs when she passed. But i took her out of the home and she passed right here with her kids by her side. The angles told me one day (???) so I called 2 brothers and a sis and 10 minutes after everyone got her she passed!! I was shocked - actually. You helped me above Liz - cuz I too was so exhausted doing it alone and today think of all this 'stuff' I should have done with her!! We do our best. I miss her so much sometimes but feel relieved she is well, happy and safe in God's hands.

I made the same decision as lizard41 who posted comments in november 2011. my mother 89 and healthy enough to go through a hip surgery under my care, (fractured her hip at 2:30 am) is completely and utterly a mess. ER visits repeatedly since end of oct. flu, 2 pneumeonia's, digoxin toxicity, sepsis with from e-coli....heart problems enhanced......confusion enhanced. Drugs that conflicted, and now 30 lbs less, with congestion....I am so in awe at the lack of professional health care. She was only supposed to get physical therapy and return home. Almost 4 months later.......I cant believe what is happening. I am on a second floor condo and actually hoped for physical therapy to happen......in hind site, I would have brought her home and had therapy at home in a clean environment. My heart is broken.

Deadly. I lost a cousin, a young age 74, and a dear friend's husband, 80, in the last year and a half. Both contracted sepsis after hip replacement surgeries.
I suppose everything happens for a reason, but I would get a brutal medical law attorney and sue the hospital and the damn doctors. Careless and lazy hospital workers who don't wash their hands after tending each patient is part of the problem! Praying for your Mother, Bless her heart. Do not blame yourself! Hugs:)

I did call a lawyer on the second trip to the hospital with digoxin toxicity, because I had begged the doctor who discharged her to go back to rehab with it not to give it because my mother had problems in the past with it. Then I repeatedly told the doctor at rehab she cant take digoxin. He refused to stop giving it. 20 days later sent her back to hospital......when her dig levels came down......they put her back on it. I had a major fight with them over that. The nursing center she is at now is the 3rd one and they all seem to be the same. She became sepsis and spent 12 days in the hospital and was just released back to rehab this past wednesday, now she has been put on thickened fluids and mashed food she hates. she has been on so many antibiotics her stomach is a mess. She about 80 lbs now. She always had a big appetite and weighted 112. She would eat the refrigerator door if she could have. I have trouble understanding her now. She is still coughing, so they are giving her robitussin and imodium......she was at least able to do therapy in between all the hospital visits. I dont think she can now. The lawyer I called said "so, what harm was done?" It was if I was upset over minor things. I feel like she is being killed there. I jump everytime the phone rings thinking it is another trip to ER.

Back in hospital 1-18-2012, another UTI 2 bacterias this time. Dont think she really cleared up after the 12 day Christmas stay. They had her on a foley the whole time and one bacteria is caused from that. She is so sick now, I know how you feel in every way. Two nights ago I left the hospital thinking I would never see her again. Its awful. Drug overload and she has gone down hill being there not better. I am off work today....missed most of last week. Having a hard time trying to talk to one of the doctors, he just lectures me. I started shaking yesterday and cant stop. I also feel the guilt of when I felt burned out. My mom means everything to me and I feel awful I cant help her.

Lizard41, it broke my heart to read your words that you now think of yourself as "so selfish" to have been burned out and exhausted. You weren't at all. In fact, "selfish" has nothing to do with it. Pure physical and emotional stamina only extend so far, and when they are exhausted, WE are exhausted. Stamina is not a perpetually renewing resource UNLESS you take the breaks that are required to refuel. It's not a matter of powering through, after a certain point. And, by the description in your original note, you'd reached the breaking point for sure.
We cannot "save" our parents from dying. For all the faults in medical care, for the most part, people do their best to care for the patients in their care. People with weakened immune systems get sick more easily. No one is physically immortal, on this plane, in these bodies. Your Mom will die, at some point, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. Let yourself off the hook. Love yourself for caring for her so well, and for seeking help when you could no longer do it yourself. And let go of the selfish label, it doesn't apply to you. At all. And it never did. The only thing you are guilty of is not being a magician in a way that no human can ever be.

It is exhausting. The emotional end of it is as exhausting as the physical part of not getting enough sleep and not eating right because you are "serving so many masters". When my Mom was at home on hospice, I did not let them put a foley in because I was so afraid of UTIs. However, the impossibility of keeping her dry was also heartbreaking because she would end up with a horrible tenderness, no matter how vigilant I was. So, you are d@**** if you do and d@**** if you don't.
Also know that changes in their demeanor and temperment can be hurtful, because I know I was thinking how now we had much more time together then, albeit for a wretched reason, but they do not necessarily find any solice in that either. Our parents generation was taught that if you can't do something for yourself that it was shameful. So perhaps that is a part of the dynamic here. Misdirected anxiety.
Sometimes the simplist thing can be very comforting to them, if you can find something they liike. Give her a manicure, brush her hair, etc. Or just being there, take a book to read to yourself and be there for her.
My heart goes out to you. Authentic talks and calm abidding may help in feeling the time is well spent.
I once read a story about a "Buddha" that visited someone whom had lost their child. The mother was just destroyed. She had very profound grief and did not feel her life was worth living anymore. The "Buddha" told her, "Go to every house in this village and the next village. Find a home that has not lost someone."
He gave her a task to show her that this is a part of life. She came to know she was not alone in her grief.
There is a good book just released, not necessarily about aging or advanced illness, but it has some very good information in it about you and your relationship with your physician and about "dealing" with them. It is "The End of Illness" by David B Agus, M.D. It is worth reading. A very good reference for us.
We have a ways to go in our system of medicine and our culture that thinks there is a cure and projected outcome that we have conjured up and expect to arrive at. We need to learn to let go and tend to our loved ones inner needs. The doctors will never be there for the emotional, mental or spiritual needs....at least not in our "healthcare" system.

It has been almost 1 month since my moms death. The pain I feel is the worst pain I have ever been thru. In reading my original question I will now take the time to answer it, myself. I would have definitly have done things different. Out of all the health problems my mom developed while in and out of the NH and hospital she died from an intercranial bleed. She fell while at the NH, and they never completed the neurological testing let alone checked her coumiden level. She fell on christmas eve and died on new years eve. It was a slow bleed. There were signs that week inbetween. Some were addressed some were not. I blame myself for not pushing the issue. Believe me I know her sudden death was more of a blessing for her, for she no longer has to suffer. For that I am greatful. She slipped into a coma, and did not suffer. She took one breath in then out and was gone. It was peaceful. I don't know how to begin to live without her. I am lost! But one day at a time, I owe to myself, my family, and especially my mom. I want her to be proud. I want to get her medical record from the nursing home, I just need to. I know it will not bring her back. But there needs to be a better protocall for when the elderly patients fall. I do not want this to happen to someone else. Wow, how many has it happened to already? My mom, I love her so much. I will grieve for her and miss her everyday for the rest of my life. :'(

Gee I'm sorry about your mom, especially under these circumstances. And you're right, there needs to be changes in a nursing home. Maybe you're just the right person to be looking into it too. You know, that's how change for the good happens, when someone loses a person they love to someone or something that's not quite right. I'm reminded of the M.A.D.D. movement started by a mom losing someone she loved to a drunk driver. If I were you, I'd also be curious to see how many other residents in that nursing home have fallen and had it NOT reported to the family, or had a similar thing happen that happened to your mom. hmmm Anyway, from someone who lost her mom in April 2011, I understand and I'm sorry. Nancy

lizard, my heart goes out to you in your grief now. Your Mom raised a great daughter, who demonstrated her love every day.

I am supper sorry to hear about lizard41 loosing her mother. My mom just got released in poor condition back to a skilled nursing facility after yet another week in the hospital, major drugs and mental status change. Have not seen her awake since yesterday. I agree home is the better choice, although I thought in hind site the therapy would be better daily. Home is costly but, so is this. I am now having to pay the skilled facility and still I know my mom wont have one on one care. The price is not cheap bit nor is home care. Being in a second floor condo with no elevator I have had to see many options and some contractors wont even answer. I need an elevator to get her where she can and needs to go. At this point her heath is so critical.........I just cant stand the thought of everytime I thought I should just get her home and didnt. I know what lizard feels. I have taken care of mom myself for many years. Had one skilled nursing home experience 2 years ago....walked mom in for rehab and 15 days later wheel chair'ed her out and got her off all the scarey drugs and had her walking in 2 days. This time I was stupid and thought perhaps a different facility would be better. 3 Facilities later, and multiple ER visits, AT Home Help and 24 hr one on one would have probably avoided all of this. I am on edge and mom is not mom with everything that happened. I hate this for happening and I hate that I cant be the one on one person. At least not 24 hours a day. Dont know what to do.

Lizard, I too am very sorry for your heartbreak. It has been 6 years since my mother has passed and I too am trying to discover why I keep beating up myself with the coulda, shoulda woulda. I think had our family dynamics been different, I wouldn't feel this way. The last, 30 years! before she passed were absorbed with her care and needs, (which I could have done much better on I think, but at what cost....when you consider your children, husband, etc) I didn't have time for my friends in part due to my own health problems.
But if you take away nothing more than this, as a great mental health professional told me once...."We all do the best we can."......That information goes a long way in being kind to ourselves, making allowances for others and for the impossibly high bar we set for ourselves.
The health care industry in this country is in the "just out of the womb" stage. They are clueless as to what we need, maybe that is in part because so many men are the "deciders" of what takes a feminine vantage, nurturing.
You were carrying the load of you, your mother, absentee relatives and the "unconscience" professionals. You did great. Really you did. If you are punishing yourself for your own perceived screw up.....let it go. How many times before this did you go through all of this.....ONCE !!!!! This was your first time! Do you give a first grader a copy of "War and Peace" and expect a book report on Tuesday? NO !
Remember this is not all there is and remember Steve Jobs last words....."Oh, WOW, Oh wow.....OH WOW !!!!
That said learn to recognize your simple and profound grief of her loss. The rug has been pulled out from under you.....find a new rug.
Love and hugs

It sounds like your mom is in the horrible downward spiral that is modern healthcare. We recently lost a close family member who was egregiously over-treated, in and out of the icu and back and forth to the nursing home. It was nearly impossible to get any doctor to look at him as a person rather than an opportunity for endless tests, procedures, and drugs. Finally, one of his many doctors (who had known him for years) told us that he considered the 'treatments' to be nothing but futile torture and that the right thing to do would be to let God take over. It helped me see the insanity of treating dementia patients for the conditions that would mercifully allow them to have a natural and gentle death. It's unspeakably cruel and I can't help but think it's driven by profit. There's a lot of money in ensuring that the elderly have a long and torturous death.

Daught, I totally agree with you. I have witnessed over testing and people in their 50's, lately, being told they have cancer only to be told a week or two later they don't..."but here, take this" anyway....maybe drug studies they are unwitting guinea pigs for a physicians profits? It is disgusting.
I remember, back around 1960 ....early 60's....when mental health facilities paid people to provide some companionship to people, inpatients, to read to, play checkers, to provide some low stress companionship to them. It seems all practitioners due these days is cause more stress...and as we all know, stress kills. The most marked declines in my mother were only after hospital stays and sometimes were immediately life threatening medications they put her on. She hemorrhaged and had to be returned to the hospital after they put her on blood thinners. They then took her totally off the thinners. What we are not allowed to know is, was the right prescription ordered, was it the right strength, "may we destroy all the medical records, "we have so little space"....."
Just unbelieveable. I stay as far away from hospitals (procedures on steriods" facilities, and from physicians whom I don't believe. It's always time for a gut check when it comes to physicians, I've come to believe.

This is taking a huge toll on my nerves. Mom is not doing well at the Facility and the huge amount of drugs she is on is crazy. Dr. thinks she has pneumonia yet again......so yesterday he sent her to hospital radiation just to use the same ex-ray that was last use in the hospital. At the facility, Hospice was suggested. I feel like they are dictating more than the doctor at the facility. I feel like everything they convince me to do is not the right decision. Mom lost 10 more pounds in the hospital, mostly because they kept her knocked out....even during meal times. Making matters worse, while at the ER last week I contacted nasal impetigo which is contagious. The 2 antibiotics that I have dont seem to be helping. Mom looked very sick yesterday, we have not gotten ex-ray results back so she is not being treated if it is pneumonia. Her oxygen level keeps going down and they put her on oxygen.......I am to the point I do not trust any of them. I have missed work do to my lovely infection and now need a note to return to work. I am at my witts end. Just keep feeling like I make mistake after mistake with my mom. How am I going to live with this?

I know this will sound almost sacrilegious to some but here goes: decades ago, things used to take people out faster because there was treatment for them, and no sense that things could be treated. Today, we keep people alive longer in decreasing health. And then we blame the system, and ourselves, for declining health. Fifty years ago, our elders would never have gotten to this point. I'm not saying people are wrong to feel despairing or angry. What I am saying is that there is another way to look at this. We are buying more time (at a cost...lots of different kinds of costs) and there are pluses and minuses to it. It is inevitable that people, with a cascading series of health events, get weaker. That they have a harder time fighting off infection. That hospitals do their best to control sources of infection but that not everything is controllable or fixable.
It's awful to watch people we love go downhill. It makes us feel helpless because some part of us believes we can love or will or otherwise do SOMETHING to bring them back to health. And I think sometimes we soothe our anxiety by blaming others, or a system.
More and more, I am coming to wish we all would see the time we have with the elders in our care as less of a battle to be won against something: old age, hospitals, The System, whatever. Maybe just bless the time and each other and seek more peace during the inevitable transition.
I can feel the arrows being sent my way. But I believe this is another way to look at the truth.

In the first sentence, I meant "because there was NO treatment for them." I oughta proof read before I post!

Jane B: you are of a practical mind. I agree with you.
Should the arrows come, I will stand beside you and take my share. Manmade guilt and propaganda focussing on merely the physical aspect of life in our culture, minimizes the hope and joy of the "afterlife".
If one believes we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience, then we learn to let go and age gracefully, accepting the circle of life. Others shall continue on their futile journey to keep another's body functioning, fearfully playing with the natural lifespan. You have to draw the line somewhere. We do our best, but not at the expense of our own health and the limits of science.
Never apologize for expressing your honest beliefs! Hugs, Christina xo

Practical is one thing. In medication I feel less is best. Have always felt that way and sometimes found alternative medicine to cure a problem. I have the same thoughts with my mother. She is on an outrageous amount of drugs from this past hospital stay. The head nurse and Doctor at the rehab facility felt the same. I spoke with hospice and out of fear of another hospital visit signed up for their help. Since then, they have taken over at the Rehab (skilled nursing facility) so even though my mother is showing signs of infection.....no antibiotic is give. I am private paying for this facility. NOT cheap. The Hospice doctor has the BIG say. By the way, the ever so wonderful hospital, didnt have a clean enough facility that I got sick myself, costing me more money to miss work plus doctor co-pays. I pull the records everytime my mom has gone to the ER.........the hospitalist's lie in the paper work and to my face. The past 2 times they IV'd a drug she has a known allergic reaction to. Then told me they didnt I had to pay big bucks for medical records to see it or get info from a night nurse, that wasnt on guard for my questions. I have legal POA and Health care as well as custodianship. They lectured me because our primary care physician doesnt have hospital rights. How was I to know since before this we had not visited the hospital but only 2 times in Florida. Hospitalists has been a big issue in our news papers. However, I am not originally from Florida and our doctors were allowed to monitor and get report from hospitals easily in Michigan. Lies to my face when my mother is concerned or myself does not impress me. Off of my mothers current situation.....in 2005, I had a stuck kidney stone that my doctor (in Bradenton...formerly my doctor in Michigan) discovered after repeat urinary tract infections and kidney infections. Instead of driving 100 miles each way, it took 13 months and seven pages of antibiotics and 3 Urologists and tons of tests later, even physicians wanting to repeat tests....when I stopped it and found a Nurse Practitioner that was highly appalled at my records and had me scheduled for surgery right away. Finally stone removed that I repeated asked for and it just couldnt happen. 7 years later not stone. I got to a few OBGYN's here in Fort Myers and get a vaginal infection after seeing them.....took 10 years to find 1 that it doesnt happen at. Natural and plain stupidity in the medical system is a whole different ball game here. I have very few doctors I have any confidence in, within this city. I know my mom is old bet I know I made a mistake and am still making them trusting her in their care. I should have stuck with driving 100 miles to bradenton and having home health care. That is my honest belief. I know I can be blasted from an Floridan or other for my comments but where I come from Age does not count and illness is fixed or controlled and you move on. Until anyone has been through what I have, I do not want any judgement.

Practical is one thing. In medication I feel less is best. Have always felt that way and sometimes found alternative medicine to cure a problem. I have the same thoughts with my mother. She is on an outrageous amount of drugs from this past hospital stay. The head nurse and Doctor at the rehab facility felt the same. I spoke with hospice and out of fear of another hospital visit signed up for their help. Since then, they have taken over at the Rehab (skilled nursing facility) so even though my mother is showing signs of infection.....no antibiotic is give. I am private paying for this facility. NOT cheap. The Hospice doctor has the BIG say. By the way, the ever so wonderful hospital, didnt have a clean enough facility that I got sick myself, costing me more money to miss work plus doctor co-pays. I pull the records everytime my mom has gone to the ER.........the hospitalist's lie in the paper work and to my face. The past 2 times they IV'd a drug she has a known allergic reaction to. Then told me they didnt I had to pay big bucks for medical records to see it or get info from a night nurse, that wasnt on guard for my questions. I have legal POA and Health care as well as custodianship. They lectured me because our primary care physician doesnt have hospital rights. How was I to know since before this we had not visited the hospital but only 2 times in Florida. Hospitalists has been a big issue in our news papers. However, I am not originally from Florida and our doctors were allowed to monitor and get report from hospitals easily in Michigan. Lies to my face when my mother is concerned or myself does not impress me. Off of my mothers current situation.....in 2005, I had a stuck kidney stone that my doctor (in Bradenton...formerly my doctor in Michigan) discovered after repeat urinary tract infections and kidney infections. Instead of driving 100 miles each way, it took 13 months and seven pages of antibiotics and 3 Urologists and tons of tests later, even physicians wanting to repeat tests....when I stopped it and found a Nurse Practitioner that was highly appalled at my records and had me scheduled for surgery right away. Finally stone removed that I repeated asked for and it just couldnt happen. 7 years later not stone. I got to a few OBGYN's here in Fort Myers and get a vaginal infection after seeing them.....took 10 years to find 1 that it doesnt happen at. Natural and plain stupidity in the medical system is a whole different ball game here. I have very few doctors I have any confidence in, within this city. I know my mom is old bet I know I made a mistake and am still making them trusting her in their care. I should have stuck with driving 100 miles to bradenton and having home health care. That is my honest belief. I know I can be blasted from an Floridan or other for my comments but where I come from Age does not count and illness is fixed or controlled and you move on. Until anyone has been through what I have, I do not want any judgement.

I have not read all the posts but Carol is very wise I would believe what she has said. I do not think you have made an error placing her I know how hard caregivers work to keep their parents and spouses home-my decision took me a long time to make to place my husband and especially applying for medicaide is no easy decision and I did keep waiting for someone to give me permission to place him which never happened-my therapist told me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen. After I decided I could no long care for him at home then the social worker and nurses and PT in rehab agreed with my decision. W e only place them after much soul searching and most do well after a week or two of adjustment -and caregivers still are there for them-visiting the NH and making sure they are getting good care. Please do not feel bad-her getting sicker would have happened even if she was at home.

Jane, Christina28 (above) said a mouth full. Remember first that all involved are spiritual beings having a human experience. Listen to your voice inside and know that it is the best advice for you. We are not 'all' cut out to take care of our folks or siblings, but we can help them find a solution.

woops, I meant to say Lizard 41 - where'd I get Jane ???

Thank you, Kathleen. I was responding to Jane who posted before me. I was coming alongside her to support what she said about prolonging life. We certainly want our loved ones with us for as long as possible, but not by desperately opposing what is natural.
I believe lizard's Mom passed in early January 2012. She is a Very Good Daughter. I expressed my condolences on her wall. We do have a Memorial thread here on Aging Care where you can post your thoughts to our friends who have lost a family member.
We become family, too:) Big Hugs, Christina xo