MamaBearlyThere Asked February 2023
With Mom in MC and Dad in AL, there is a crisis every week. I have breast cancer and will have surgery soon. What about my health? My life?
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also you don’t need a meeting with siblings- don’t subject yourself to their arguments that they can’t step in. Give them a clear “ I will be stepping back for several months ( at least- as my health dictates) have them contact MC if they wish to be an emergency contact.
do this for you. I hear a concern your health concern may shorten your life. So do not add stress if parents. You did a great job. Work hard at releasing it and focusing on you. Best wishes
The people I know who have SURVIVED breast cancer started immediately with their own care. Diet, taking their doctor's advice to decrease stress, adding specialized supplements that are used to increase immunity, replace needed nutrients that the surgery, chemo, radiation, or immunotherapy and meds will deplete from your body. Going to a breast cancer support group, joining now.
Walking, swimming, a gentle exercise plan. And support, understanding for what you are going through.
It will take effort and a bit more to prioritize your health, vs. always having your parents on your mind. Caregiving can be like that, and that is why I suggest stopping now, even to the extent of not visiting. Something your mind can get used to. You may not agree. But you have said: "I've read that sometimes caregivers die before the people they care for. I don't want that to be me. I have my own family that needs me." I hope your family will be rooting for you, supporting you, as well as a new found support group of women who can hold you up.
And signing up for an experimental study at a teaching hospital when all treatment options won't cure the cancer that you have. (you don't have that).
I want you to live, survive, and pray this road will be easy on you. It is possible to extricate yourself from all these obligations, please don't wait on anyone to get on board or to hold you back. imo.
Maybe stop doing anything that keeps you awake nights, like thinking about your parents.
God Bless you right now, today!
You are not the hands on caregiver, you have professional support. So stop the guilt trip and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Shame on your father and siblings that they could be so uncaring about your health and well being. Remember that.
Just checking back in with you, thinking if you were able to make any stress reducing changes for your health?
We all just wanted to be a suport for you, if you need us.
How are you?
The good news is that the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes, so I am very relieved about that. My big surgery (mastectomy followed by immediate reconstruction) is coming up at the beginning of April. As a teacher, it is hard to plan lessons for eight weeks of recovery time--I teach high school English.
Mom recently got Covid, so I've had to deal with my dad a lot since he doesn't understand why she needs to be isolated. Even though Mom is in memory care and dad is in assisted living, they still come to me to solve any problems they are experiencing.
Oh, and did I mention that my oldest daughter (24) who still lives with me, just announced that she's pregnant? So a lot is still going on...
As for stress reduction, I just breathe...and tell myself that I will be okay--I have to be okay....
How is recovery for you?
You have the grandbaby to look forward to, you will be so blessed!
I do hope you have allowed the facilities to step up and do their jobs for both of your parents.
My sisters have stepped up their game and have taken a more active part in my parents' care. They are calling more, and shopping for the little things that they need. The facility keeps losing my mother's clothing. We keep having to buy her pants! We must have bought and lost 20 pairs since the beginning of the year! I also had to purchase more bras for her just before my surgery. All of those were gone too.
I'm still having to manage their healthcare to some extent. My parents have their own HMO (same as mine) and do not see the doctors/nurses provided by the facility---so I still have to manage their prescriptions, labwork, appointments, and messages. All the contact information is mine and my parents cannot advocate for themselves. Now that they can no longer drive---someone also has to agree to take them to see the doctor when needed. So, I have had to field some of these problems even while I recover because when a call comes in from my HMO (same as theirs) I never know who the call is for until I pick up!
Still, it has been a tremendous relief having an excuse not to visit. Being with them is so incredibly draining. I'm feeling grateful just to focus on self-care and my impending grand-baby (a boy, by the way). My daughter's due in July.