Why won't she go and am I terrible for wanting it to end?

I certainly would not want someone to care for me who can't wait till I die. If your mother is 90 years young then you must be up in age yourself. What does hospice care actually do in your home to help you? Maybe you should consider additional help. With today's technology, anyone can live past their "shelf life" with proper treatment. She should drink more water to help with the UTIs. I'm surprised she hasn't broken something with the multiple falls. I would first research the hospice care and make sure the aid is up on duties. Good Luck.

I know this may sound crazy but have you tried telling your mom it's ok to let go. Not for yourself but for her. Maybe she is afraid to let go. Maybe just hug her for a bit, talk to her about how peaceful heaven would be, seeing all her passed loved ones there to greet her and how you will miss her terribly but you will be ok. Sometimes they also need to know that you will be ok without them. I always heard that sometimes the connection between loved ones stops the spirit from leaving. They say that is why so many people die in hospitals when a loved one leave the room for a break. Also you may want to make sure she has a DNR and my mom's doctors all know with her Alzheimer I am not putting her through any kind of surgeries, major procedures or lengthy hospital stays as it would be to upsetting and traumatic. When she passes I want it to be at home and as peaceful as possible not in a hospital attached to wires and machines being poked and prodded. God bless and feel comfort in knowing you are doing your best.

Had a good cry reading all the responses. My spouse has ALZ, over 2 years have passed and he does not know anyone in the family. He had broken his hip had a total hip replacement and was in a wheelchair. A few people said "how sad he will most likely be gone in 6 months". Well he is now walking again, memory worse - if that's possible. I do feel guilty for wanting this to be over. Not just the emotional loss but financial strain also. I would love to just sit and talk to him but he views me as a stranger and will not stay by me. I will probably be gone before he is.

I know how stressful your care giving to be for you and can understand why you want it over. It is so painful to watch them in pain. What you fell sometimes is normal as far as I am concerned so don't beat yourself up for those feelings. I think all things happen for a reason beyond our understanding in order to teach us to be strong. So hang in there and just take it one day at a time so you don't wear your self out.

My heart goes out to you! I moved my parents in when my Dad could no longer take care of my Mother. I found he was suffering from Vascular Dementia himself. I freaked the first time i saw him without pants on. The circulation in his legs was so bad...his shins were red and scaly, down to his ankles an angry red, his feet were red to purple. He lived only 3 months with me. He also had A-fib, it was awful to watch him decline so fast. I thought we had time to do things but it was not meant to be. My mother had been on hospice for years bedbound from strokes. I really feel that Dad died so quickly because he didn't take care of himself like he did her. Mom lived only 9 months after him. I know she hung on for him but when he died she followed. Take care of you...it is a fact that that 70% of caregivers over the age of 70 die before the person they are taking care of does. I lived 3 states away from my parents and I am just thankful to God nothing happened alone so far away before they moved in with me. There is another side to the coin when they don't stay and do go quickly. I often feel guilty like somehow it is my fault they died so soon. I feel guilty for not recognising my Dad was hiding his health problems and dementia from me. I feel like maybe if I would have known sooner I might have been able to do something. It haunts me. I miss them so bad. The pain does not stop with death. The grieveing process just continues. Do live what is left of your life. If placing her in a facility and visitng her frequently helps you then you help her by being your best you. There are no easy answers, but you have to take care of you or you may find yourself in a bad health situation too.

wow, I read the question and then all of your answers...(no I am not exhausted!) I have been in similar situation - altho my mom is only 92, but I call her the Phoenix as she keeps dropping and everyone around thinks...oh this time , this is it...only to have her rebound enough to carry on a little longer. I think I was given a one year reprieve when she was so "gone" last Christmas - 2016, rebounded and has been able to talk - some - with me and knows who I am and laughs with me - a wonderful year long gift. but now, she has declined due to another UTI - I do hate those!- and she doesnt respond to anyone unless they are trying to get her to eat or get dressed.. I think she is just DONE! but who knows if she will rebound enough to carry on again. I do feel guilty about the idea that maybe I will get my life back (I retired and have been caring for her - altho NOT in my home- for 12 years. On advice from a friend/hospice minister, I now walk as often as I can, play tennis when I can and go to a gym. It is a lonely time - even tho my spouse is very supportive and understanding - and it is nice to hear from so many of you that are in similar situations.

To Mom Mandi--It isn't cruel of how long anyone lives on. It's God's decision when we leave here. He put us here and he knows our numbered days. God is in control!
Sure, caregiving is tough, but pray and ask the Lord for His help. He knows what you're going through and He has plans for us all. He promised never to leave us or forsake us and we need to have faith in order to survive. Just stand on God's promises and remember He loves you. Someday, maybe you'll be the invalid and God will place someone there to help you. Stand strong and God bless you!

Salisbury....I Love your attitude
I'm only 55 moved in with mom 3 years ago to help look after her she has COPD and she's 72. I've been losing me every day and wonder how much more I'm going to have to handle. Hate my life and dread getting out of bed everyday. She's planted herself in her recliner and that's where she stays all the time. Eat sleep watch tv.. she complains she can't breathe neither can I! I wait on her hand and foot. Have PT coming 2xs a week to work with her so she can get a little exercise but she dosent do anything when they aren't here. It makes me soooo mad! I'm retired and don't want to end up sick from taking care of her. We have been butting heads latley because I'm so grouchy now. I'm ready to hire someone to come in here and take over for me, moms even said that to me but the way it was said presented the guilt trip even more. I'm her POA and handling everything! Its so crazy! So depressed! Looking haggard now myself hairs getting grayer and starting to fall out wrinkles galore need that dermotoligist myself and plan to see one!
I come to this site everyday to read the posts it helps me deal with the day

Is she cognizant? Does she want it to end? Don't treat her UTI's. Sounds harsh but if she is suffering it is a choice you have.

That is a lot of stress! Yet each day you must make choices for your own life.

Every night for the last 10 years, before falling asleep, my Mom prays to God to please take her during her sleep. She tells him "I am ready and am not afraid." She is surprised each morning that (at the age of 96.5) she is still here...alive!

Each of us have our time and have to go through whatever karma we have created...for some it is easier than others (We sow what we reap.)

Because of this, and even while I feel some guilt for placing her in a memory care / assisted living community were she does not want to be, I am understanding that I have to live my life too. I am 69 in a couple of months. Each day I face the choice of whose life I will live that day: mine or my Moms?

Not an easy decision, yet I have come to the conclusion that it's okay for me to feel the emotion of underlying guilt (uncomfortable as it may be), and at the same time, I have understood the basic need to give my own joy expression and time, acknowledging and living my life through these challenging times.

MomMandi - that sounds like a very draining situation and golden23 - OMG! Your mom is 105?? I'm getting a little freaked out by this because my mom is 91 - and is in great shape. Only takes one medication and has no other health issues. Hell, she doesn't even have cataracts! The ophthalmologist couldn't believe it! She has moved back in with me for the 3rd time. We have lived together for a total of 18 years. And we do not always get along - which makes it even more stressful and difficult. I have 2 brothers that rarely assist. I'm wanting to move to a smaller, safer town and it looks like I might just have to take her with me. I'm so ready to move on with my life - but I really think she will make it to 100! Not that I want her to pass - but I do fear for the future. I don't know what lies ahead and I sometimes think she might outlive me! God Bless all the caretakers out there!

Medical science is now able to "manage" chronic conditions that would have killed many people as recently as 50 years ago. So, it's our own fault - that we have all of these extremely elderly seniors still alive, causing issues for their adult children who are seniors themselves. If we keep extending our life expectancy artificially, who is going to be around to care for all of these extremely OLD and frail human bodies? What is the point of living to 100 if one has no quality of life?

I’m so glad my Mum finally got an antibiotic resistant UTI and died. I devoted myself to her after my Dad died...and I loved her but she could be unkind. I can’t say this to anyone but my husband, but caring for her for 14 years was killing ME! I was hospitalized 3 times in two years.

OK, call me crazy but I have done a complete reversal on this.

I have been caring for my husband for seven or eight years. He has just recently been diagnosed with middle stage dementia. He sleeps almost the whole day. I also have my mom in a memory care unit but I do all her financial stuff. My husband requires a lot of work--after all, I do everything, absolutely everything, plus all of his care. And it so soooooo confining! He cannot travel--at all--and I cannot leave him for more than a few hours. So, here I am.... Family far, far way! Continents away.

In the last few months, I could see the toll it was taking on me. I looked like hell hell and was gaining weight. I looked old and worn out! I am only 67 but looked 77.

So, I said, "The hell with this!" My new attitude is that I will use this time for self-improvement:

diet--have lost six pounds

exercise: three times a day and go to free fitness room at senior center; getting buff

new hair cut--cute and fresh

dermatology--lots of treatment for face, much better!

new make up--fun and looks great

looking forward to buying new clothes when weight goes down more

getting girlfriends together to go out for coffee--not expensive and gets me out of house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it so much

So, for me, this time of confinement has become a time of renewal!!!!!!!!!!

Do I ever Wish/Wonder when it will end? Yes! You bet I do. But I do not dell on that. Bad for the attitude. When it does end I will emerge into the world and travel--thin and gorgeous (lol at 75?).

Good luck! Thanks for being here!

I went through so much with my Mom, 93...cancer that could not be removed and they gave her 6 months to live. She lived 13 years and six months beyond that in a steady decline. The last 2 years were a rapid decline, the absolute worst with falls, UTIs, and decline to the point she could not walk. After several hospital and nursing home stints for rehab, I took her into my home on hospice. She was completely bedridden and with a catheter and various other problems, needed insulin shots, etc. I had a spontaneous retinal detachment and surgery, and my husband went A-fib and hospitalized all within the last 2 months of her life. It was the worst and hardest thing I ever went through. I don't know what I would have done without the good hospice people.
My advice is to take it a day at a time, never more than a week at a time. Do what you can for yourself, even the small things like a good cup of coffee, or watching a sunrise and birds help to add up. I would get up very early in the morning and read for a little me time. Keeping a journal really helped too.

I understand your feelings and support them. It’s hard to know why the body hangs on like it does. My dad is heading towards 97 and has lost 37 pounds due to a fall, surgery, and two stints in rehab. He is so frail now that he can’t walk and needs help transferring. He’s been in the nursing home now for a month. He told me the other day he’s depressed, hates his room, hates everything, hardly eats and depresses the hell out of me. The other day I brought him a box of valentine candy and some snacks, and he complained about the taste and then proceeded to complain about 5 other things. One after the other until I thought I’d lose my mind. I finally just quickly said I had to go and left. I was near tears about his behavior. I hate going to see him as I’m just a sounding board for his complaints. Ever since he had the surgery it’s been downhill for him. I pray everyday that he is released from his misery. I know he wants to go too.

She is not ready-perhaps she is waiting for someone to come visit with her that has not in awhile. I have a strong catholic faith and my parents both passed last year 6 months apart from each other-they decide when its their time. Its an extremely hard process to watch and wonder why but again she will decide when. Comfort care is key with this to help her visitors know that she is not in any pain nor discomfort. Talk to her she can hear you and touch her its important. God Bless to you and your family during this time.

Love has found a way....seen or unseen, and that is why she remains. Her spirit within says her time is not yet up and those who remain have something to learn and pass on. That is why she will not "go"!

Mother died at 97 after years of abuse and accusing us of stealing from her, she had nothing apart from a small pension, I began to hate her for stopping us from getting some satisfaction from our lives we were both retired and had planned to travel by the time she passed on it was too late.

I really feel for you. It must be terribly hard. Sometimes we never know why people seem to hang on. I hope you are getting a bit of time for yourself. Perhaps meeting someone for coffee or calling in to see an old friend. Something to just get away from it all for a while (it is important) AND NO I DEFINITELY DON'T THINK YOU ARE WRONG TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO!!!!!! Love and hugs xxoo

What you have is called Anticipatory grief. I had it everyday for 13 years. It’s hard but try to enjoy this time with her. Love on her, tell her she’s ok, she’s safe, let her be right, no arguing, and reassure her. Try to make everyday a reassurance that she is ok. GOD BLESS!

I feel the same way about my 83 year old Dad. He still has his mental faculties and lives in assisted living. He has a catheter, skin issues, high blood pressure, and is a fall risk, yet he is still here. I feel so trapped by having to help him, especially since he is very, very, difficult to deal with. I will miss him when he is gone, but it will also come with a profound sense of relief from having to deal with him.

rosy - you do have to wonder how they survive. A girlfriend's grandfather had a stroke and was in a vegetative state. He lasted 20 years in a country nursing home, and that was over 60 years ago when care was more primitive.

Re "Invalids don't die; they kill everyone else." is so true. When I was young there was a middle aged man in our neighbourhood with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) who was looked after at home by his wife. She died (from a heart attack) before he did.

The current stats are that about 30-40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. For older people, I believe mainly those looking after spouses at home, it is higher. There is an interesting article is "70% of All Caregivers Over the Age of 70 Die First". (CNN, article by Andree LeRoy, M.D. ) In it, Peter Vitaliano, a professor of geriatric psychiatry at the University of Washington and an expert on caregiving, said that the chronic stress of caring for someone can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes and a compromised immune system. They also suffer from depression, anxiety and anger It is called Caregiver Syndrome. I believe many who post here have it

We must not underestimate the effects of prolonged stress on our health and therefore, look after ourselves.

cdnreader - I suspect you are right in most cases that no one sets up to be a burden, but they can become one. Our family is very long lived in both sides, and mother is raising the bar. Thinking very seriously of Mexico.

Dear MomMandl,

Thinking of you. It is really hard and it is only understandable to feel as you do. I sometimes don't know what the right answer is.

My grandmother lived to 90 at home but after three hospital visits. Her 7 kids all wanted her to live in a nursing home. She lived another two years. I don't think anyone sets up to be a burden but that is how it sometimes feels to so many adult children.

I appreciate reading everyone's experiences. And Golden you are an amazing 80 year old! That is incredible that your mom is almost 106 years old. I know its not easy so I hope you will go to Mexico and enjoy yourself.

Oh dear, my mother too. 93. Cancer 3 times. Colostomy. Broke hip, arm and nose. High blood pressure. Noro virus 3 x . Shingles. Pneumonia twice. Can't walk so in a wheelchair for 20 years. Deaf. Poor vision. Severely arthritic hands. Dementia. I keep remembering what my father said many years ago, "Invalids don't die; they kill everyone else." She's outlasted dad, my brother, all her siblings and friends. Guess I'm next.

Mother had had a terrible disposition with the Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism, but she was strong as an ox until she was about 100. She still loves her food. I could never do hands on because of the mental illness, but even in a facility there are things to deal with. I do make decisions on my own. I have to in order to survive. Mother is well looked after and I can't sacrifice all my life to her. Nor should you, These days people are living longer,and we are seniors looking after seniors. It is a new paradigm and needs new ways of thinking. We can't survive thinking the old ways.

My mom lived far longer than anyone predicted, and she most certainly wanted out of her miserable situation. It was truly cruel how long she stayed on. I have no explanation for it, but I do how painful it is to watch. I hope you’ll get rest for yourself and know you’ve done your best for your mom.

OMG 105. You described my Aunt perfectly. Thyroid, anti-depressant, some vascular dementia. She's 99 and going strong. She eats like a horse, jokes all the time and has a wonderful disposition. I have been looking after her for ten years and I love her to death, but I'm so tired. I have pretty much given up everything to look after her (and two other elders who have now passed) and while she is in an adult foster care home now, I have more free time, but I don't feel I can leave for long or not visit simply because the care slacks off or new people don't know her. I would give anything to be free to make a decision solely based on what I want. I'm 70 and so ready to be done.

I saw an image of Iris Apfel with the caption - When you don't dress like everyone else, you don't have to think like everyone else. 
 I believe it!

Golden, I LOVE Iris Apfel! I recently bought two books about seniors with a sense of style by Ari Seth Cohen - "Advanced Style" and "Advanced Style: Older & Wiser". The seniors in those books are amazing with their personal sense of style and color! I aspire to those levels of creativity. I'm not sure I have the nerve or talent. You can Google them and Pinterest has a ton of pics of fabulous women and men. Good for you!!