Why are they so stubborn?

You say that there's nothing wrong with getting older, but my question for you is "have you done that; do you speak from experience?"

I am 81. I can tell you that there is a whole lot wrong with getting older. Start at the top. The hair thins, the eyes weaken and get all kinds of conditions requiring surgery, shots into the eyes, and ultimately you go blind. The balance because of brain changes is dreadful no matter how much you want to do exercises for it, and you had better do them! You cannot hear as well. Your neck muscles stiffen and hurt, and headaches can result. Your bones ache, as do your joints. Your heart will act up eventually in some manner whether weakening pump or arrhythmias. I could go on, but we are heading toward the bowel and bladder, and honestly you don't want to KNOW.

So instead of going through every system, I will just assure you it is a time of great loss. Family often moves and certainly have their own lives and nuclear family to deal with.
Your children, who once came for advice now have a whole lot of advice to GIVE you.

I am one of the lucky ones. No major systems have given out. I can still walk, garden, read, foster dogs, manage my own life, and no one is yet trying to manage my life FOR me or tell me what to do (Thought I have heard the phrase "do you have plans"). And that will change, and there's no upside coming. I will only get older. Things will get worse. My daughter will become worried.

So that is from the perspective of someone more near your mom's age, than your own. You might also want to consider if she is honestly a whole lot different. Wasn't she always someone who wanted to manage her own life.

That's my own vent. Now to MY advice.

I would have a gentle, honest sit-down talk in which you SEEK information from your MOM. Tell her that you have now a tendency to want to try to make things easier for her. Ask her if that bothers her. Ask her to let you know when you can help if she WANTS help, and HOW can you help. Tell her you may be annoying her, but it is out of love. Tell her that you, yourself are a bit scared. Because just trying to give you another perspective, your mom think that much of what you want HER to do, you want her to do FOR YOU. So that you don't worry. So that you don't get "that call" you don't want from EMS that your Mom fell on the stairs. But you WILL get it. It IS coming as surely as your mom's balance is going. She's my age. My daughter, 61, will be getting "that call" as well, no matter what we all do about all of these changes.

Believe it or not, my heart goes out to you, and to my own daughter as well. As soon as you can get us all neatly packed away into some lovely ALF you will feel better. We may feel better as well; who knows.

This is the face of aging. My own opinion as an old retired RN is that we should be issued our final exit pill at age 65 or when we start collecting SS, whichever comes first. But that's me. It would at least give us some CHOICE in all this.

My best to you, OP. I can identify from BOTH sides.

Okay, so ask yourself this: how can she stop you? Have your sister replace the chair and Mom will adapt. Buy a new mattress. Mom will adapt. She can't physically stop you and she may cry and complain for a couple of months, but she WILL adapt. Find an assisted living place for her and move her, her new chair, and new mattress there. Because she will adapt.

I won't use a cane.
Would make me look old.

I'll just clutch the furniture to keep my balance.. I look so much younger doing that.. Like a cute baby learning to take steps. Add a bit of teen sass & I'm invincible attitude & "I'll manage just fine, thank-you".

Until I can't & then you'd better be at my beck & call so I can keep on looking young & being independant.

I’m sorry you are going through this and I want to validate your feelings.

Pick and choose your battles. The mattress is no big deal (IMO). Sure she deserves a better one, but unless you feel it’s keeping her awake at night, leave that alone.

Tell her the washer and dryer is getting moved upstairs for everyone’s benefit and then do it. Tell her it’s happening and she can’t make it not happen. It’s important and it’s for everyone’s convenience.

Let go of the rest of the stuff. Like my MIL, something bad is going to have to happen for real change to occur. That is just how it is these days.

When that something happens, it’s not your fault. You are doing what she wants.

Write down all the things that she does that annoy you, then give it to one of your children, and ask them to show it to you when you get to be her age.

My mother swore she wouldn’t be like her father and refuse to wear hearing aids when the time came to need them, but she did exactly that. My brother even stopped talking to her because he was sick and tired of having to yell everything to be heard.

Who knows why they're so resistant to change, but they are. Better to just go with the flow and practice selective deafness at the complaining.

I would wonder if she would listen to someone else. Call your Office of aging and see if they will do an evaluation for her. They can come in and say "Mrs Jones, don't you think it would be more convenient to have your washer and dryer on the main floor. Then u don't have to worry about those stairs. Same with ur bedroom, so much more convenient to everything down here. Me, I would hate going up and down stairs when I could have everything on one floor." See, she is being allowed to make her own decision. She is not being told, she is being asked.

Even a friend "Jane, if I had this house, I would move everything to the main floor. The w/d I would bring up here. I would be afraid I'd break my neck on those stairs. My bedroom too, bring it down here. Then everything would be so much more convenient. They don't listen to their children.

My RN daughter says, you let them think they made the decision.

If you find an answer let me know!! It is just unbelievable how stubborn my mother also is. She is sooo afraid of being old and instead of enjoying her age she fights it by refusing to see reality!! And she expects me to fix the issues.
my mother told me she plans to live at least another ten years. That would make her 93 and me 70. I literally walked away and started to cry! I can’t imagine the thought of spending next ten years in this situation. I am frickin old myself 🤦🏻‍♀️
good luck!!!

I completely understand this! I think sometimes “life just has to play out” in a way that might force the change. It’s not what anyone wants, but I have decided this is just how it is/will be with some parents. Running to their aid and constantly making and paying for changes to better assist them burned me out beyond measure. My husband and I have put our affairs in order so that hopefully we will not put our children through this. I can relate to your exhaustion and frustrations. An aging, difficult parent is definitely a second job… 7 days a week.

She is a miser, and will never change. My father was a real El Cheapo, finally he had to move to Florida to be near me, however, he never made it died 2 weeks before the anticipated move.

His house was a wreck, disgusting, he actually used Priority Mail Tape to shore up his windows from the cold, that was when the post office handed out rolls free.

It took me two months to clear out all the crap and rehab the house so it would be saleable.

So he dies and leaves everything to me as I was his only child, guess what I do? I spend it!

Your mother probably feels "safest" with familiar conditions. It's too bad she won't make at least some small accomodations for safety reasons, but unless she is incompetant, her decisions are her own. Some of the changes you wish she would make may be so that you will feel more comfortable about her situation. She is not likely to react well to being told what she "should" do. If something concerns her enough, she needs to think an improvement is her own idea. Avoid arguing with her or lecturing her. If she complains about something, encourage her to think of ways she might make that situation better.