Who'd ever think family members would turn out to be among the worst people in someone's life?
Still not free of sibling BS from my first ever post. There's the past, present, and future.
The past:
Historic squabbles, blaming, and abusive things said (not by me)—I've been on the receiving end of it from one of the siblings. Other siblings are not playing a part in the care of my mom; they hardly call and have been doing their own thing for over 20 years. They are the type of people who feel they're able to get on with their lives (spend time with their children, go on vacations, do other things) only because I'm the primary caregiver, but at the same time they'd rather I'd not be there at all, despite all my mom's health issues. That's how rational they are?
The present:
I only speak to one sibling; she's been married for 40+ years, has always looked after her husband and children, and has never had the opportunity to help care for my mom. It's not easy to explain all the dynamics of every sibling without writing a book; some are divorced, their children are grown up, and some are divorced with no children.
When passing through for medical appointments or other occasions, a sister I can't stand to see uses my mom's house as a hotel. Since my father passed away, this sibling hasn't routinely cared for my mom, but also when my mom was a little bit younger she had her mobility and less issues. I have been extremely upset with this sister, not just lately but also in the past. This sister tells lies to the other siblings about everything that goes on at my mom's house and everything we've argued about, gives other siblings an inaccurate account of every argument we've had, and twists the truth.
I've had a lot of arguments over the years that bring up old issues or any new ones and lead nowhere. Despite my best efforts to rationalize with them and consistently help out my mom, they've ignored what I've said. One day I decided they've crossed the line. This sister has no job, is not married, and has no children, but doesn't want to do the mundane chores that come with caring for someone.
This sibling sporadically continues to stay for days or even weeks, but because of all these tensions, disputes, and backtalking, I can't tolerate it every time they visit, and it starts to create a rift between my mom and me at times because I don't feel relaxed and at ease when they are around. When I talk to my mom, I don't want them there listening in, and when I'm having dinner, I can't stand them being around. The whole situation is unbearably tense. When they are not there, I feel like a weight has been lifted, I can breathe again, my BP gets better, and I feel freer again, but only until the next time they visit, then my BP shoot up knowing they're coming. It has been the second-worst experience of my life.
On one side, I'm caring for my mom, and on the other, I have to see this sibling when they decide to visit. I can't just say no, you can't come anymore; she'll tell the rest of the siblings that I am preventing her from visiting my mom, and in the end, the house is a territorial thing; it's my mom's house, not mine, so I have no right to say who comes and goes. That's their argument, yet they haven't done anything to support my mom since my dad passed on 20+ years ago. The married siblings, their wives haven't helped either, don't phone, don't do anything to help. I'm the caregiver; I can't just go leave my mom and I don't want to, but the torture is that I get no space from this sibling for long periods of time. like years and years.
The best way to describe the feelings it creates is to say that having and unamicable divorce and then having to consistently see the person for years in the same house.
It's not much different with other siblings, except they don't stay over for long periods; they visit one day and go back home. That's why it's bearable with them and I stay out of sight when they visit.
The future:
I put in a reply to myself because they limit the number of characters on posts.
We no longer have the one thing in common that kept us together.
And it's OK.
We're on OK terms. we just don't talk to each other much and that's the way it's going to be.
I'm glad I knew this many years ago--it wasn't a suprise.
I too felt that I wouldn’t have much of a relationship with my siblings after my mom died.
We actually started to grow closer when my mom was placed in her hospice care home. I think it was because the stress of our hands on caregiving was gone.
Any friction between us before has gone by the wayside. We have a good relationship with each other now.
I come from a family of mega grudge holders. I was estranged from one sister for nearly 35 years and the other we had some tiff seven years ago. I patched things up in 2020 with both of them because my parents started to decline and I was afraid neither would pick up the phone to let me know when my mom or dad died.
I keep it cordial. I can’t feud anymore. Takes too much out of me.
I wish I had 35 years part from my sister, other sibs, because maybe the time will change matters. I've never been given the space for that so far.
Plus the sibs in my case will be relying on me for, things like what happened to her, I'm only going to say bare minimum. They should've been there watching her conditions worsen, going to appointments, nursing her for mild symptoms and so on. I do believe they've missed an opportunity to know mom the person, rather than just mom, that's something I will cherish forever, probably in the painful moments, it will be the thing that will keep me going in the future.
I appreciate your answer HHF.
Me, I would just leave go to a hotel when they are there visiting or out of town on a vacation, they will have to care for her, it will be a respite for you.
Rather than stay a day they can stay for days and you can go bye, bye.
Have you looked into placing your mother? That would eliminate the entire mess.
Your mother doesn't want to be in the middle, dementia or no dementia. mothers are like that.
The living arrangement of I'll just live with my parent(s) (less expensive living and so on) very seldom works long-term. Unless one is from a certain culture that way of life is inbred in them for the rest of us, it doesn't.
Good Luck!
This sister is sometimes here for weeks, so the bills for hotels can get sky high too, so as an alternative I spend most of my time in my bedroom, not the best situation being confined to one room in a house, but at least it's keep our distance. Other times like meal times it harder to do and it's just
major awkwardness.
I do like your thinking, but my mom is so used to me now. even going away to for one day to a hotel and she feels sad. I could not see her in AL or similar facility until I was completely unable to help her.
Thank you for sharing MeDolly.
You made me chuckle, in a sad way.
She can do the caregiving for your mother during her stay.
Even if you don't have a vacation planned, leave anyway. Go stay with a friend, or go to a hotel/motel if you have to. Just make sure you're not there.
Let her get a taste of what the caregiving is like for a few days. When you get "back" call her out face-to-face on all the crap she talks about you to your other siblings. If you have a cellphone, put it on record then in your pocket. Record everything she says. When her rant is over, tell her she was recorded and you're sending a copy of that chart-topper to everyone.
I don't blame your sister or anyone else who refuses to be a caregiver. Or do the mundane and usually totally disgusting chores that come with it. That's fine. This is why there is a homecare agency on every corner these days. Outside paid help comes for that or the person can be placed in residential care.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and was forced to be an indenture to my own abusive and narcissisistic mother. Those days are done for me because I will never empty another commode, change another adult diaper, or deal with hands-on caregiving ever again.
You don't have to do it either. If you choose to, let that be entirely your decision which it is.
Don't be a martyr about it though.
Your situation such as it is, is not because your siblings don't share in the caregiving or because one sibling is the worst one.
It's because you allow them to have no respect for you. You allow them to treat you like you're a servant in their mother's house, rather than like their sibling who is keeping EVERYONE'S mother out of a nursing home hence preserving any potential inheritance for them, and making the current lives they enjoy possible.
Stop letting your siblings treat you like this. It's your mother's house sure (you should have gotten it into your name like I did otherwise there will be no caregiving from me) but you can make some rules there too.
Like no one is staying there when they visit. If everyone isn't agreeable, then whoever is coming to stay will be taking over the caregiving because you're leaving for the duration of their stay.
They will be agreeable or they won't come at all.
Please stand up for yourself. Pack a bag and go when the sibling shows up.
Hire some homecare and get a job so you can have some independence and a paid break from caregiving.
You don't have to cover all of your mother's needs.
I agree with the idea. But that costs money. Most people can’t afford to just go on vacation every time a sibling visits.
“Go stay with a friend, or go to a hotel/motel if you have to. Just make sure you're not there.”
I agree. But again, hotel/motel costs money. Then you’re losing financially every time a sibling visits. So you’re kind of being punished financially every time they visit.
As for crashing at a friend’s house every time: also not so easy. Our friends might have their own problems, and stress, and it can be burdensome to have to house a friend every time.
Therefore like OP, I have friends who disappear into their room, so they don’t need to interact with their awful siblings.
Don’t even attempt to try and convince them of anything. Why waste your time and energy on this type of situation?
I realize that you care deeply for your mom, but it isn’t selfish to make time for yourself. When your siblings arrive, they can look after mom.
Your mom can do without you while your siblings visit. When you return you will be refreshed and ready to start again. Isn’t that a better option than being continually stressed in their presence?
One of the biggest mistakes that I made during my caregiving days was thinking that I had to do it all! No, I didn’t.
One year, I decided to break tradition in my family. I was not going to cook my usual huge Thanksgiving feast for everyone.
I announced that I would be taking long walks on the beach! It is still one of my most favorite Thanksgiving memories ever!
It only takes a few minutes to pack a suitcase! Guess what? Nothing fell apart while I was gone. I thoroughly enjoyed my time away in Florida.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
They are right that if it isn't your house, you have no say over who can come and visit. Besides, if your mother wants to see her other children, let her!
I don't know if you are getting paid but if not, that is one of the first things I would request. Chances any inheritance will be split amongst all of you so if you feel you "deserve" more, get paid now.
On top of it, she's purposely divisive. I asked a local friend to help me out recently with something that took about an hour, and she's also an acquaintance of this person. We usually stay apart in the same house, but she purposely decided to come downstairs the moment they came in, so she'd also be around at the same time as me, knowing it would upset me even more. It's like she intentionally did it in case I flared up and told her something in front of the person helping me, so if I had said something, they would judge me as being a bad person, that's the type of person she is.
Manipulative, divisive, deceitful, and crafty, she lies and is incredibly comfortable about it; she goes to other siblings, conspires with them, other people and tarnishes their view of me; she lies about her health to get sympathy from mom, knowing mom is a soft touch the moment she hears she has some kind of minor illness. This upsets my mom unnecessarily. I can't breathe and I can't write supportive comments when I am feeling like this; it is not fair on other people; this is the maximum of mental anguish; I can't run because I look after mom and I don't want to be away from mom; I can't run because I have no other property; I can't spend weeks in hotels because it's expensive; I'm boxed in; this is what imprisonment of the mind feels like.
I want to always be there for Mom. But also want to be a million miles from all my siblings, at least for a thousand years or more. Then I would feel free. I can't be me when this sister is around. Don't even feel like giving advice and support when feeling like this. I tried to brave it, but like someone said in a reply, they knew how to push buttons and enjoy doing it.
I know what it feels like for people to be living with bad partners. I know that in some of those cases it's worse because they have mental and physical sides to things, and I know exactly what the mental side of it feels like. I'll come back when the tension has gone and my back is not up constantly up, and feel more at ease in-between the times my sister is not around. I never knew life was going to be like this. I realize people are far worse off than me, but every type of suffering, is suffering. Mental anguish as the result of another person is just as bad.
I totally get it. I’m an only child, but I have friends in your situation. They’re kind, helping. Siblings do nothing, and prance into the house just enjoying their time, while the helper is like a slave. My friends also hide in their rooms, never want to see their siblings again.
I wish I could throw all my friends’ siblings and yours into another part of the galaxy.
Not always. I have some friends (from several families) who are the only ones who help, while their siblings do nothing. In all those cases, the parent (in a facility) is polite, nice to the ones who don’t help (they call), but in reality feels angry, and has disinherited them to show how wrong it is, to dump everything on one child. That child advocates, helps.