Let's start from the beginning. I'm 28 years old, married, with two children under the age of 3, living 450 miles away from my aging parents (84M and 73F). Their 4500+ square foot mansion is falling apart and is less than ideal for several reasons (i.e. laundry in basement and has to be carried up three flights of stairs). My mother has been living with atrial fibrillation since she was a child and has been showing worsening signs of dementia for the last 3 years. My father has congestive heart failure, leaky heart valves, and other undiagnosed issues (i.e. eye pain, cannot chew food, etc.). He has severe edema in his legs which also are leaking fluid (doctor said he has 15+ pounds of fluid build up), is gasping for air while sitting, didn't leave the second floor of their house for 4 months, and is essentially waiting to die. He left the house for the first time last week when I flew into town to take him to his cardiologist appointment (he has been cancelling and refusing to go for almost a year now). He controls my parents' finances, makes poor financial choices (i.e. frequent impulsive purchases), is verbally abusive to my mother and me, is beyond stubborn, is delusional about his health conditions (constantly says his condition is getting better even though it clearly is getting worse), and I genuinely believe he is in his end stages of life. He cannot go 15 minutes before he starts shouting for my mother (he'll call her repeatedly on her cell phone until she answers). My mother has run out of her heart medication months ago and cannot remember to follow-up with her doctor to make an appointment much less leave my father to go to it. I don't even know that it is safe for her to drive considering she gets lost going to places she frequently goes to (even with the use of GPS), sometimes forgets how to turn on the car, forgets where she parks in a parking lot and wanders looking for it for hours), etc.. Even the simplest of tasks are becoming incredibly difficult for her. She struggles to hold a conversation repeating the same questions that she asked not even 2+ minutes previous and struggles to find the words sometimes. Her mood and demeanor have shifted in the last 6 months. She told me she doesn't want to be alive anymore. I want my parents to move to an assisted living facility to make their lives easier and as their home is getting hit with HOA violations constantly and is falling apart (yard is unkept, dirt caked on floors, mold in bathroom, ceiling falling down, pool is growing plants, deck is rotting, etc.). My dad knows about my mom's memory issues and declining health and is choosing to ignore it. He refuses to agree to move despite my mother wanting to. She is burnt out, scared of the stairs, and cries about how unhappy she is every time we talk. I can get past my dad refusing to accept medical treatment, but my mom is practically screaming for help. After taking care of ourselves and kids, my husband and I don't have much money to spare. If I had the financial means, I would have hired movers already to start packing their stuff and getting their house ready to sell. I'm worried my father is blowing through their money and my mom will have nothing to care for herself. I'm terrified a catastrophic event will happen and I won't have a plan. They don't have any legal documents in place of any kind. My dad won't allow it. If you try to talk to him, he "bites my head off". He can barely talk some days, but I've discussed all of this with my mom before. She can't really wrap her head around it and doesn't have the financial means to actually put anything into motion. I've been considering contacting an elder law attorney to discuss POA or guardianship. I don't know if either will help my situation. Please does anyone have any advice as to what my starting point should be?
Call APS to get her out of the house and in a facility.
Your father will never do what you tell him to.
Let the authorities take over.
I’m not sure that this scenario changes anything anyway, but it might make you feel a bit less ‘guilty’ about the ‘Asian culture to protect and care for them that (you think) you were raised with”. Worth a thought?
No worries, no hard work to survive anymore. They will have activities available, if they want to participate. They will have security and be kept fed, clean and safe. All the constant work and chores of a big house will be gone. 4,500 SF makes me cringe already! No more crazy water and heating bills either. They will have TV, WiFi, and 24/7 staff to assist them when they need it. You can visit them when you want. Despite what most stubborn elders believe, there are no iron bars on the doors. Of course they won't listen, and are hateful to you instead.
Take your Mom to see an Elder Lawyer, to explore her options. Arrange it, and tell Dad you are taking her shopping or somewhere else. She needs to find out what she can do and how. She needs to be cared for and will have less stress from Dad's hot temper. She's too old and doesn't deserve to suffer that abuse and misery. You can stop worrying.
Leave stubborn Dad behind to rot along with his fancy mansion.
Yes, find an Elder Care Law attorney to start with.
https://nelf.org/
That is unlikely.
Your father is stubborn and wants control.
He won't give you POA.
Even WITH a POA you can do NOTHING without his permission.
Your parents are in a dreadful situation. Of their own making.
Let us just pretend that somehow magically someone bestowed POA or guardianship upon you right now?
What do you imagine you could do with it?
Think.
What do you imagine you could do?
What could you FORCE your parents to do?
Because the answer is nothing at all. You WOULD however, bind yourself into a situation where you needed to act (BUT COULD NOT).
You're 28 with small children.
That's it. Your parent's lives are a MESS and it was on them to prevent this, to take care of it, and they chose/are choosing not to.
Not everything can be fixed. And from far away this CERTAINLY CAN'T.
TRUST ME....it can't be fixed if you lived next door.
You need to report your parents NOW to APS in their area.
You need to tell APS you do not have/do not want/cannot handle being their POA or guardian and that both of them are SUPPOSEDLY mentally competent but clueless, making poor decisions, and living as you told us they are living with the illnesses they have.
The intervention of the state is what I recommend. If they require guardianship let the state do it. If the state can get dx of incompetency they can act (very unlikely; the courts are loathe to take away a citizen's rights to choice/autonomy.
If the state feels they are unsafe then the state will act to appoint a fiduciary. STAY OUT OF THIS. Let the state either say "they are OK" or not.
This IS going to come to a head, and when it does, through fall, injury, death of father from his severe CHF, or your Mom from the stairs, or severe injury you need to be ready to call in hospital social workers on day one and suggest that STATE GUARDIANSHIP take place.
Do not try this.
Not everything can be fixed and you can destroy your own life trying.
This isn't your responsibility. You didn't make these bad choices. You can't fix them. You aren't god. You aren't a saint.
You are a Mom who needs to concentrate on your own family.
So sorry, I can only see disaster for you if you try to take this on. I was POA and Trustee of trust for my brother who was nothing but gentle, organized to a fault, completely cooperative and it was STILL a tough job. Don't do this.
Regarding your Dad... you can attempt to explain to him what will happen if he doesn't assign a PoA on his own: eventually the county will acquire guardianship of him and that guardian will manage all his affairs, make all decisions and call all the shots -- including transitioning him into a facility that he doesn't get to choose. I did this with my SFIL. He didn't/wouldn't believe that this would be the outcome, but it was. Your Dad is already angry so there's nothing to lose in telling (or writing down) this Plan B outcome.
Like MACinCT wrote, you can pursue guardianship but it is pricey but if your parents have money they could reimburse this cost back to you. But now we are talking about trying to manage care for 2 people: 1 of whom you know is totally uncooperative. He will be draining to deal with. But if you can get your Mom out of there, he may follow.
The only other option is to report them to APS. But if they interview them and your Mom tells them everything is ok, and your Dad knows how to "showtime", then even this strategy may not work. And if it does, it takes a while to put these wheels in motion.
You can choose to go there and call 911 due to your Father's poor health and try explaining to the EMTs that he is cognitively impaired, but not sure if they can do anything with no PoA or guardian present. But I think it's worth a try. He's already angry so there's nothing to lose. If the EMTs witness his temper and abusiveness, this may get him a ticket to the ER, where you will then have more options to get them help.
If this doesn't work then you will need to just keep calling APS.
Do they have any other local relatives or neighbors who you can talk to about also reporting them? And to tell them to not intervene or help so that APS can act sooner? Does your Dad still drive?
Finally, you Mom is 74 and that's pretty young for dementia (maybe ALZ) but she could have a UTI, which is extremely common in older woman. Often a UTI has no other symptoms than confusion, behavior changes, dementia-like symptoms. It is testable and treatable with antibiotics (but she'd need someone to dispense her meds accurately and consistently). You may want to consider calling 911 for her for this reason.
Does your Mom take any other meds, like for thyroid, sleep or pain? Sometimes inaccurate dosing can cause dementia-like symptoms, too. So can other problems, like dehydration, diabetes, stroke, etc.
I wish you success in helping them get appropriate care.
I am sorry you have to deal with this because even if they pass, probate takes a while to even get papers for executorship even to sell the home.