Going to a funeral, whose family have been caretaking for sometime. I’ve been caretaking for my mother. When her time comes, I don’t want to hear condolences and I’m sorrys. What else can be said?
When we spread my brother in laws ashes in the mountains, we each said a few words about a memory we had with him that we enjoyed or found funny.
If you choose to accept what folks say to you in the spirit it was said, you can accept condolences with ease. People will express their sorrow if that's how they feel, and it should be okay to do so.
I was personally happy when my mother passed and was finally out of pain and suffering with her dementia, but I didn't expect others to express THEIR happiness! Folks genuinely were sad for her passing and I respected that.
I hated going to wakes as a child. My great aunts told me that my deceased relative was only sleeping. I was afraid to go to sleep at night after hearing that.
I still get creeped out by wakes. I don’t like viewing a dead body. I usually don’t do it. I did view my friend’s sister’s body because it meant so much to her. She took care of her sister with Down’s syndrome and dementia.
She kept saying how pretty she looked. I just agreed with her but I get creeped out when people say how good dead people look.
I do find burial customs around the world to be fascinating, especially going to see Egyptian exhibits in museums.
Mid, I would reach out directly to your nephew and ask for clarification and education.
I was at a funeral last year of a woman profoundly disabled by polio. The priest said that she was "handicapped", not a word favored in her community and as she went to work every day, not terribly accurate. In unison, the crowd said "disabled".
Everyone should witness a New Orleans Jazz funeral where the jazz musicians are marching in the streets and people are dancing along side.
They music starts off slow and somber and then end up being quite joyful and lively.
Our city is definitely unique in certain areas. We are definitely not ‘anywhere USA.’
When our beloved chef, Paul Prudhomme died several years back there was a huge second line of jazz musicians that marched from his funeral at St. Louis Cathedral to his restaurant K-Paul’s in the French Quarter.
Lots of people attended the second line jazz parade for Chef Paul, from Mayor Landrieu, many other chefs, his many friends and the diners in his restaurant. He was one of the sweetest guys in the world. He trained quite a few people who ended up opening their own restaurants.
He trained the owner of Brigtsen’s restaurant in the Riverbend neighborhood. One of my favorite restaurants in the city.
Some people will say ridiculous things such as when parents lose a baby and they say, “You’re young! You can have another child.”
A comment like this doesn’t validate the fact that their baby died. Those parents desperately wished to see their precious baby grow up and are grieving the loss of their child.
These remarks can be quite annoying and even anger us. I do my best to overcome other people’s ignorance or insensitive remarks when I know that there intentions are meant well.
Life is too short to hold bitterness in our hearts about matters that aren’t of the utmost importance. There are far more things in life that I am appreciative of, than things that bother me.
The only thing I can think of telling you, is to say, nothing at all. Isn’t showing up enough? We don’t always need words to convey that we care.
I do not take offense at someone saying that they are sorry. It’s a complex subject. Death is sad but it can also be a celebration of their life. Their life had value and in many cases they will be missed by family and friends.
My brother just died and we chose to have a celebration of life for him. It’s what he wanted. He didn’t want the formality of a viewing. He chose to be cremated.
My nephews and sister in law reserved a venue and we celebrated my brother’s life. We have an eclectic family that hold different beliefs. Everyone is accepting and respectful of each other.
Be true to yourself. Those who love you will appreciate you for who you are.
My dear friend recently lost her mother to a 5 year horrific battle with dementia. When I went to the viewing, I just gathered my friend in my arms and said "I am SO HAPPY for you!" This may sound heartless, but it was the exact thing she needed to hear.
She hugged me back and said "You get it".
I wouldn't do this normally, and truly, only b/c I KNEW how awful the last 5 years have been on this family---it WAS a blessing.
At my mom's funeral, I hugged my nephew. Told his husband that I was happy to meet him and thanked him for being there for AL. That's literally ALL I said, and 2 days later I get a HOT email from my sister saying that I had so deeply offended her son & husband that they would never speak to me again.
So, I apologized to nephew & husband, deleted them from my FB contacts and guess I will never be 'allowed' to see them again.
You can't win. In their grief, people will be so overly sensitive that sweet kindness can be miscontrued and ruined.
When my MIL dies, I am going to have to spend a couple days biting my tongue, literally, b/c people WILL be saying what a wondeful person she was---and that's a huge lie. BUT--I won't take offense. Funerals are one place that leaves most everyone searching for the right words.
Anyone who shows up to give you support should be given all the consideration as they struggle with saying the 'right thing'.
And you're grieving, so most of what gets said doesn't stay in your brain anyway. Someone bothers to acknowledge you LO's life--just be grateful to them for that.
Probably make them angry saying that, because they will say something about how they didn't WANT peace, they wanted to keep their loved one. Thing is that sometimes there just isn't anything TO say. And some will choose anger as people try to comfort them just because it is so much easier to be angry than to mourn. I think.
Then don't have a funeral. One thing COVID taught us was we do not need a big funeral with all the trimmings. You can have a graveside service with just family. Then maybe later have a small memorial service, like on her birthday, and have a luncheon with friends and family.
For me, when I cared for Mom, it was just me. I had to harden myself or I would have cried every day. I lost the mother I had to this Dementia that made her frail, needy and aged her. She was 89 when she passed and I was glad her journey was over. For a long time the memories were those last few years of her life. I went on a bus trip with some friends I had since grade school. My Mom was a mother to this one friend. And this friend started talking about the things Mom had done for her. Those words brought my Mom back to me. I was able to push those last few years to the back of my brain and remember the good times.
That’s exactly what I have done too. I don’t dwell on the hard times. I see no value in reliving the past. I also remember the good times when my mother wasn’t frail and suffering.
It’s normal to take time to reflect and grieve. Afterwards, life goes on. I feel it is what our mothers would want for us. Mom would not have wanted me to live in the past.
You don't want to hear someone say to you that they are sorry for your grief? Really? I think you will have a hard time at the funeral, then, as that is about all that CAN be said. I think it is good always to say "I am here and if you need anything please call" or "if you need to talk, etc". You could give a hug, but then some folks don't like being hugged now just as you don't want to hear I am sorry.
Nora McNerney has a wonderful podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking. Been at it for years. Started when she lost her dad to age, her husband to brain cancer and her baby to spontaneous abortion all within a few months. And her podcast is people talking about getting through tragedies of their lives whether loss of loved ones, their own illnesses, mental challenges, poverty, poor parenting, etc. And you are not alone in being offended by almost ANYTHING and EVERYTHING anyone could say to you when faced with these losses. These losses are so profound that there is nothing that CAN be said. Being human, however, we will "try".
You can always say "I don't honestly know what I can say to you, because I know your grief must be beyond my power to comfort you". Because really, you just told us that in your loss there is NOTHING we could say to you.
This is an interesting post you made for us. Thanks for it. I wish you the best.
“Your loved one was such a special person. I’m so glad I knew her.” Or “last time I saw him, we had fun reminiscing about the fun our families had at the lake.” That sort of thing.
If you choose to accept what folks say to you in the spirit it was said, you can accept condolences with ease. People will express their sorrow if that's how they feel, and it should be okay to do so.
I was personally happy when my mother passed and was finally out of pain and suffering with her dementia, but I didn't expect others to express THEIR happiness! Folks genuinely were sad for her passing and I respected that.
I still get creeped out by wakes. I don’t like viewing a dead body. I usually don’t do it. I did view my friend’s sister’s body because it meant so much to her. She took care of her sister with Down’s syndrome and dementia.
She kept saying how pretty she looked. I just agreed with her but I get creeped out when people say how good dead people look.
I do find burial customs around the world to be fascinating, especially going to see Egyptian exhibits in museums.
I was at a funeral last year of a woman profoundly disabled by polio. The priest said that she was "handicapped", not a word favored in her community and as she went to work every day, not terribly accurate. In unison, the crowd said "disabled".
Words matter. I would check in with nephew.
They music starts off slow and somber and then end up being quite joyful and lively.
Our city is definitely unique in certain areas. We are definitely not ‘anywhere USA.’
When our beloved chef, Paul Prudhomme died several years back there was a huge second line of jazz musicians that marched from his funeral at St. Louis Cathedral to his restaurant K-Paul’s in the French Quarter.
Lots of people attended the second line jazz parade for Chef Paul, from Mayor Landrieu, many other chefs, his many friends and the diners in his restaurant. He was one of the sweetest guys in the world. He trained quite a few people who ended up opening their own restaurants.
He trained the owner of Brigtsen’s restaurant in the Riverbend neighborhood. One of my favorite restaurants in the city.
It shocked some folks, but we all understand that what she meant was that she was glad his suffering (he had chronic leukemia) was over.
Some people will say ridiculous things such as when parents lose a baby and they say, “You’re young! You can have another child.”
A comment like this doesn’t validate the fact that their baby died. Those parents desperately wished to see their precious baby grow up and are grieving the loss of their child.
These remarks can be quite annoying and even anger us. I do my best to overcome other people’s ignorance or insensitive remarks when I know that there intentions are meant well.
Life is too short to hold bitterness in our hearts about matters that aren’t of the utmost importance. There are far more things in life that I am appreciative of, than things that bother me.
The only thing I can think of telling you, is to say, nothing at all. Isn’t showing up enough? We don’t always need words to convey that we care.
I do not take offense at someone saying that they are sorry. It’s a complex subject. Death is sad but it can also be a celebration of their life. Their life had value and in many cases they will be missed by family and friends.
My brother just died and we chose to have a celebration of life for him. It’s what he wanted. He didn’t want the formality of a viewing. He chose to be cremated.
My nephews and sister in law reserved a venue and we celebrated my brother’s life. We have an eclectic family that hold different beliefs. Everyone is accepting and respectful of each other.
Be true to yourself. Those who love you will appreciate you for who you are.
She hugged me back and said "You get it".
I wouldn't do this normally, and truly, only b/c I KNEW how awful the last 5 years have been on this family---it WAS a blessing.
At my mom's funeral, I hugged my nephew. Told his husband that I was happy to meet him and thanked him for being there for AL. That's literally ALL I said, and 2 days later I get a HOT email from my sister saying that I had so deeply offended her son & husband that they would never speak to me again.
So, I apologized to nephew & husband, deleted them from my FB contacts and guess I will never be 'allowed' to see them again.
You can't win. In their grief, people will be so overly sensitive that sweet kindness can be miscontrued and ruined.
When my MIL dies, I am going to have to spend a couple days biting my tongue, literally, b/c people WILL be saying what a wondeful person she was---and that's a huge lie. BUT--I won't take offense. Funerals are one place that leaves most everyone searching for the right words.
Anyone who shows up to give you support should be given all the consideration as they struggle with saying the 'right thing'.
And you're grieving, so most of what gets said doesn't stay in your brain anyway. Someone bothers to acknowledge you LO's life--just be grateful to them for that.
For me, when I cared for Mom, it was just me. I had to harden myself or I would have cried every day. I lost the mother I had to this Dementia that made her frail, needy and aged her. She was 89 when she passed and I was glad her journey was over. For a long time the memories were those last few years of her life. I went on a bus trip with some friends I had since grade school. My Mom was a mother to this one friend. And this friend started talking about the things Mom had done for her. Those words brought my Mom back to me. I was able to push those last few years to the back of my brain and remember the good times.
That’s exactly what I have done too. I don’t dwell on the hard times. I see no value in reliving the past. I also remember the good times when my mother wasn’t frail and suffering.
It’s normal to take time to reflect and grieve. Afterwards, life goes on. I feel it is what our mothers would want for us. Mom would not have wanted me to live in the past.
Really?
I think you will have a hard time at the funeral, then, as that is about all that CAN be said. I think it is good always to say "I am here and if you need anything please call" or "if you need to talk, etc".
You could give a hug, but then some folks don't like being hugged now just as you don't want to hear I am sorry.
Nora McNerney has a wonderful podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking. Been at it for years. Started when she lost her dad to age, her husband to brain cancer and her baby to spontaneous abortion all within a few months. And her podcast is people talking about getting through tragedies of their lives whether loss of loved ones, their own illnesses, mental challenges, poverty, poor parenting, etc. And you are not alone in being offended by almost ANYTHING and EVERYTHING anyone could say to you when faced with these losses. These losses are so profound that there is nothing that CAN be said. Being human, however, we will "try".
You can always say "I don't honestly know what I can say to you, because I know your grief must be beyond my power to comfort you". Because really, you just told us that in your loss there is NOTHING we could say to you.
This is an interesting post you made for us. Thanks for it. I wish you the best.