Mother is in nursing home with not much time left. She has requested for me to come there at 10am tomorrow. She treated me very poorly when she lived with me before she went into the home. What do you say to a person that is ready to die?
You say whatever you feel you need to before she dies, so you won't have any regrets once she's gone. Like many have said here already, let her take the lead if she's able. And if she's not then just be there for her and say whatever is on your heart. You'll know when you get there what needs to be said and what doesn't. Death and dying is a time to let someone know just how much they meant to us in this life, and the difference they made in our lives. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to come from the heart. Blessing to you and your mom in the days ahead.
I don't believe in lying just because someone is dying. I also don't believe in bringing up the past. I personally can't tell someone I love them when I don't. Even if they are dying. I can't be loving if there was no love before. My Mom was a good lady but she was not a hugger or a touchie person. Because of this, I am not either.
As Alva says, let Mom lead. You forgive for you. You don't have to forget, just forgive to get rid of all the negativity she caused. If she starts on you, though, I would not stay. Hopefully, its her apologizing to you.
You allow them to take the lead and you follow. She has asked that you come. She may wish no more than to hold your hand. For my own Mom, who was likely the best Mom who ever lived she told me she knew she was going and "I want to say I was perhaps not as good as I should be but was as good as I COULD be..." . She got it all garbled up. As it was I was able to tell her she was the best Mom ever, she would live with me every day in my heart (and she has), and I would never forget all she taught me. For you you may be left with "I appreciate your telling me that. I will remember our good times; they are the ones I will keep and pass on". Just tell her what you believe will bring her the most comfort. You already have a good grasp on that she was not good to you often enough. We are a very flawed species. Forgiveness at the end is something we likely ALL can use. And who knows? There are just a few who want to "go out" telling us that WE weren't good enough. You can't guess how it will go. Just follow it as gently as you can so you can leave feeling as good about yourself as you are able. There is nothing left now to settle. Things were as they were. As a nurse I saw 100s and 100s of leave-takings. They are as individual as our own thumb prints.
What you don't do is dwell on a time when she wasn't at her best.
If she's able to talk, let her lead the conversation, but make an effort not to say something you might regret one day when you are old and finally understand the pain of aging.
You sit with your mom and you hold her hand; you provide comfort to her in any way you possibly can. You try to forget how she treated you when she lived with you because that time has passed now. The only thing that matters is what you say to her today; let her know how much you love her and how proud you are of all that she's accomplished in her life. Tell her she's been a wonderful mother to you (even if she hasn't been) and that you are who you are today because of all she's done for you during your lifetime. Thank her for bringing you into this world and remind her that she'll be reunited with her loved ones who have passed very soon; that they are waiting for her with open arms. Smooth her hair and rub her forehead, which is a comforting thing to do in general. Even if you don't really feel the things you are saying to her, say them anyway because they will offer comfort to your mother in her final hours on Earth, thereby easing her transition. Feel her out; see what you think she needs to hear. Cry with her if that is what she needs; or reminisce with her about fond memories you share together.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace
Like many have said here already, let her take the lead if she's able. And if she's not then just be there for her and say whatever is on your heart. You'll know when you get there what needs to be said and what doesn't.
Death and dying is a time to let someone know just how much they meant to us in this life, and the difference they made in our lives. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to come from the heart.
Blessing to you and your mom in the days ahead.
I don't believe in lying just because someone is dying. I also don't believe in bringing up the past. I personally can't tell someone I love them when I don't. Even if they are dying. I can't be loving if there was no love before. My Mom was a good lady but she was not a hugger or a touchie person. Because of this, I am not either.
As Alva says, let Mom lead. You forgive for you. You don't have to forget, just forgive to get rid of all the negativity she caused. If she starts on you, though, I would not stay. Hopefully, its her apologizing to you.
For you you may be left with "I appreciate your telling me that. I will remember our good times; they are the ones I will keep and pass on".
Just tell her what you believe will bring her the most comfort. You already have a good grasp on that she was not good to you often enough. We are a very flawed species. Forgiveness at the end is something we likely ALL can use.
And who knows? There are just a few who want to "go out" telling us that WE weren't good enough. You can't guess how it will go. Just follow it as gently as you can so you can leave feeling as good about yourself as you are able. There is nothing left now to settle. Things were as they were.
As a nurse I saw 100s and 100s of leave-takings. They are as individual as our own thumb prints.
If she's able to talk, let her lead the conversation, but make an effort not to say something you might regret one day when you are old and finally understand the pain of aging.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace