What to do with a constantly negative and critical uncle?

Thanks for everyone's comments. I've been trying to step back. Sending the gift was actually something that stemmed from a therapist's advice as part of me backing off from trying to have somewhat regular conversations with him. I stopped doing calls a long time ago, written communications seem somewhat better, mostly because I think after he sees what he wrote, he realizes what a d**k he sounds like and revises somewhat. I let him come to me - per therapist's advice. Still, it can be tough. For example, his last message started with him asking about my new job is going (which is wonderful, he very rarely cares to take interest in my life these days), but in that very same sentence, he added that "it's probably hopeless to ask" (accusation that he expects me to not be able to provide an answer that's to his satisfaction) and that soon he'll stop asking (part of his ongoing stream of trying to make me feel bad by regularly reminding me that he'll die, that's formed sort of like a threat "and then you'll regret not letting me yell at you, be mean to you while I was alive, etc"). I just sent a short, polite answer, feeling afraid that by my getting too verbose would trigger more biting comments or provide an easy launch pad into his regular repertoire about himself and his "horrific" life.

Come on. You're complaining about a negative family member's complaining from a different country. It's not like you have to do for him night and day or even see him at all.

You can also screen his calls. Let them go to voicemail and if he leaves complaining, downer messages just delete them.

Only take a call from him once a week or once a month.

Well first I will say...thank God that he lives in a different country so at least you don't have to see him often if at all, and then I'll say just limit your talks with him to once a month. That way if he's in a negative mood it's only one day that your mood will be ruined.
But on that note we should NEVER give anyone that kind of power over us to control our moods. You have a choice in the matter and for some reason you're choosing to let him have the power to ruin yours.
That might be a good discussion for you and your therapist to have to explore the reasons why you do that.

My mother was never happy with what I bought her, there was always something wrong with it.

Flowers? Not enough baby's breath, ok, so I stop sending her any.

Lobster? Too big, ok so I stop sending her one.

Cuisinart? Too small, ok I'll return it and get my money back.

You get the drift, the end of the story is that I stopped buying her anything, just gave her a card.

Don't do that anymore either, as I no longer talk to her, I am done.

You cannot make him happy, give it up, if need be get some therapy.

Good Luck!

Why are you continuing so determined to make him happy? He likely never was and never will be.
What are you trying so hard to please him? He likely never will be pleased. It is a waste of your energy.

I want to suggest therapy to work on your own habitual ways of interacting with this gentleman. You cannot change others. But you can change yourSELF. And when you do you will be so proud of yourself that you won't need HIS approval, and you can give your clearly loving energy to those for whom it will make a wonderful difference in their own and your life.

My best to you.

Sounds like your uncle has always been a d*ck. If you can't do anything right in his eyes then please stop doing anything. How much negativity can a person take before they just stop. I hate to think about what kind of father this man was to you with all that toxic behavior.

If he wasn't like this in the past, then you have to consider that he is having cognitive decline or maybe depression. Whenever he starts with his negative talk, you redirect the conversation and pretend like you never heard what he just said. Keep changing and redirecting the subject. Or, abruptly and peacefully end the conversation and hang up. That's as much as you can do.

Even though you are grateful, you don't have to put up with toxic behavior from him or anyone else.

How about backing off a bit? Send him a nice card and/or money instead of a birthday package? When people get like that, sometimes you have to think of other ways to interact with them. There are ways to let him know you appreciate him besides putting together wonderful packages and hoping he'll be nice. He won't, so don't. Yes, I would love to get such a thoughtfully planned gift. I'd never complain. Neither would most other people, I think. He's different, so you be different.

Good luck.