I’m 68 and retired living by myself and considering the possibility of moving my 92 yr old mother into my home vs putting her into an AL facility. What are some pros and cons? She is needing help with bathing, dressing, and walking. Just recently she is forgetting some things and I’m concerned for her health and well being. I have looked at some AL facilities close to me and they average $5500 a month; most amenities she would not be able to participate in and I think it may be wise first to try to have her live with me. What do you advise?
The cons are that you would be in charge of all of those details mentioned above and have little time for your own life. And that your privacy would vanish the day she moved in.
The pros of placing a loved one in Assisted Living is that they have autonomy; the right to do as they see fit, eat when and what they want; come & go as they please w/o having to answer to a son or daughter, the ability to socialize and mingle with peers their own age & have entertainment geared toward their their musical interests, etc. Card games with others, book clubs, happy hours on Fridays, outings on the mini bus every week, social events, etc. The ability to mingle and socialize isn't available in a home environment and I truly believe that is what's kept my mother alive at almost 95 years old with more health issues than I can mention in one sitting.
The cons of Assisted Living is the costs, the fact that her care would not be perfect and she'd have to wait more than 1 minute for her call light to be answered, she'd undoubtedly complain about The Food (it's the law in AL; they all complain about it as they gain weight!), and that some of her neighbors are too noisy or nosey or whatever.
That about wraps it up. Good luck deciding what works best for you & your mom!
At 68 years of age, I would strongly recommend you not take this on. Do not move your 92 year old mother into your home unless you are willing to also have full-time home caregivers that can transition into 24-hour round the clock care staff because you will need them to.
Are you willing to have your house turned into a nursing home? Ikdrymom mentions in the comments a home that stinks like urine (and also sh*t), changing diapers, and being available 24 hours a day. One person cannot do it. Also, what happens if you get sick or need care yourself? What then?
Moving a 92 year old into your home is a bad idea. Please don't do it.
First, I think it is wonderful that you are willing to have her live with you and you are concerned about her welfare. God bless you for that.
My mother lived with me and my kids in our current home for 11 years. She was fairly independent at first, but 5 years in health challenges and surgeries gradually diminished her abilities and wellness dramatically.
In retrospect, once it became clear she needed help with meals, fall prevention, bathing, etc. I wish I had looked into Assisted Living or a Nursing Facility as a long term option.
Why do you ask?
1. The Conversation Won't Get Any Easier
No one wants to leave "home" or be away from familiar surroundings and loved ones. The sooner you get your mother somewhere she can receive extra attention, the easier it will be on everyone. If you decide later that it isn't working out, you can always bring her home after the fact. And you can do so with a plan and home health, etc. in place because you'll know her needs beforehand.
2. Elder Care is 24/7
My mom used to say "it only takes a few minutes" to heat up leftovers, crush and mix her meds, etc., etc. In one sense she was right, but there's so much more to it than that. She got to the point she couldn't administer her meds herself (she had a PEG tube) so I was on a 6HR shift for that. Then there was the meals three times a day. Then time for emptying her trash (which had to be done twice a day due to her health issues), checking/changing her dressing, helping her change clothes, etc. Having all those tasks throughout the day really cuts into your day! You never really are at rest for more than a couple of hours.
3. Your mom *might* stay healthier in a facility.
Each situation is different, but I noticed with my mother when she was in a good facility with professional, trained people on a schedule making sure she actually took her medicine on time, had meals in her room regularly, had a bath, etc. she tended to look better and seemed to feel better also. She wasn't in pain from skipping her medicine, she wasn't worn out from trying to do things herself that she wasn't able to do, and she wasn't arguing with me about myriad matters as I tried to handle things for her. :-)
4. You may be better company for her if she's in a facility.
Again, each situation is different, but I had far more energy when I was not caring for my mother in the home by myself. Part of it was not having all those tasks to complete, but another part was having "space" to be myself and live my life.
You say you're retired. That means you can visit your mom frequently and then relax in your own home knowing she is safe.
5. In Home Care/Help May Not Solve Your Problem
I don't know if your mother has or is eligible for Medicaid or not. They pay for ongoing caregiving. Medicare will pay for a nurse and PT if there is a "qualifying event" like significant change in health, discharge from a facility, etc.
That being said, to get the true relief/assistance you need with her, you will need someone coming in 4 hours a day for several days. Even if that is cheaper than the AL facility, you have to coordinate schedules, let someone in your home, and you're still on the hook for the majority of the time.
6. Burnout is Real (and Dangerous).
Over time my mom became less and less able to do things and I went from being laser focused super-caregiver to barely getting by with the necessities and feeling drained all the time. I lost weight and energy and unknowingly began self-soothing with food and treats. I also developed high blood pressure and at one point leg pains and chest pains that sent me to the ER a few times.
In Conclusion...
If you become burned out, you won't give good care to your mother and you won't maintain your current health very long.
If the AL facility is affordable w/ the money your mother has coming in, I say go for it. It is good and right to help her find the best option for everyone involved. It has to work for you too, not j
The trial period surfaced the impacts to various aspects of my life and made it easier to decide whether it is a feasible long term arrangement (it is not).
Thanks for asking!
You might look into home care where she lives now, but it would still be expensive. As much as you love her and are concerned about her care, moving her into your home would totally take over your life and time, demand great physical and mental energy, and fray your last nerve. It is not something to be taken on lightly.
Good Luck! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! :)
I honestly can not fathom how that would be.
Your mom is blessed to have you.
Here’s the thing at 92 she has outlived all standards & charts for lifespan and ADLs. It may be that she actually would be just fine living with you and you could still still have an independent life. But maybe really she needs 24/7 oversight which means she needs a facility unless she had the $ to pay for caregivers to come in several hours per week. You cannot in any way shape or form be 24/7.
id be concerned abt her going into AL. She might be better fit at a NH. Perhaps a lively NH but nevertheless a NH. You do NOT want to move her into AL and then like 3 mos later get a “we just love your mom but she needs a higher level of care” letter AND have to move her again. Plus using her $ to private pay a few or even a couple of mos at a NH puts her at an advantage to staying in that bed but becoming a LTC Medicaid resident.
I’d get the assessment done and then you shop around to find 1 or 2 NH that are both private pay and Medicaid. Perhaps go at lunch and also when an activity is being done to see if it’s a good match for moms capabilities. Try not to think about the costs…. I say this because if they already are nonagenarian the likelihood is they are going to outlive their $ and end up applying for LTC Medicaid.
what 2 ask yourself….. if there was a fire at your home can you physically go from 1 end of your home to the other, pick up your mom (or have mom walk out)and have her & you outside on the street or middle of the yard within 5 minutes?