Update on Mark's care plans.

Oh don't worry Alva, I have no plans of trying to stop anything. Both are grown men and I wash my hands of all of it. By the way, you called it on Mark being angry I initiated the divorce! It's ok, I am doing some healing. I am counting it as a life lesson and as the old disco song says "I will survive."

Wheel him into the street and dump him?
Too bad Robert isn't bright enough to tell them "Yeah? That's the day you go to jail and can't make bail I guess, huh?"

What they CAN do is send bills, of course.
I hope that Robert is bright enough to be made POA and to keep records.
But what I would caution YOU, Doggie Mom, is to stay out of it.
There is nothing you can do about and for the bad decisions or the good decisions in this either way now. You don't want to be responsible for the former and won't get credit for the latter.
Stay out of it and let them get on with care.

You get on with your new life which has enough in it to put on ANYONE'S plate.
Sure wishing you the best.
Get your divorce. Get your division of finances. Get on with your life and let the two of them manage together any way they can, any way they choose. THEY have AS GOOD LIKELIHOOD of success as were it the other way round and you were taking Mark home.

My apologies for updating this older thread but thought the board might be interested in how things are progressing. Robert has decided to take on Mark's care (mainly for his SS check). The rehab would only let him stay until the end of the month and then they would deduct $200 per day. I tried to tell them they could appeal to Medicaid. The social worker there was being a um let's say banshee. She was trying to tell Robert that they would her words "Wheel Mark on the street in his wheelchair and dump him." I tried to tell Robert they could not do that unless they wanted their butts sued here and back.

Anyway, Robert has decided to take Mark into his home. Yes, I know Mark can make his own decisions and I am not caring for him anymore (divorce will take at least sixty days and I have told multiple social workers I cannot care for him). Robert lives ten hours away in an old home that is totally broken down. Mark will probably catch an infection because Robert is a hoarder. Robert rented a U-haul for Mark's stuff and I tried to get Robert to get rid of some stuff. As an example, a very old trophy cabinet that Mark bought way before we married. We had our water heat break at our house and it soaked the floor and walls and we had to have our landlord treat for black mold. This cabinet had major water damage and for all I know mold and the doors won't shut. I told Robert to just take it to the curb. Robert has his 78 year old dad (yes, his father is still working and paying the bills) take it apart and takes it. Is it going to effect me in the long run? No, but I can't believe it.

Anyway, because the rehab is saying they will take away his check Robert is taking him to Edinburg. I have no clue how Mark will make the trip as unstable as he is. He is not critical, but he is still really weak to not being able to even sit up on the side of the bed. He cannot do any daily living activities besides eat by himself (no showering, toileting, mobility, etc). It is crazy. I tried to raise concerns that he will need full-time care, but I was ignored. Nuts as they say, just nuts.

So, I am doing some "mopping up" so to speak. I have a separate bank account and the divorce plans are in motion plus moving plans for me and the dogs. My family has friends who know people in the school system so I should be able to get another job and I have a place to rent. I canceled the car insurance I will not need on the car that will be repossed.

I found out it should be about sixty days for the divorce to go through with a no fault divorce and his social workers are saying the same to him. I am working next with my college to figure out my internship credit as I will not be in TX, but it is the last piece of the puzzle I need to get my certificate in library science. I am done with college after this! Rehab is not very pleased with Mark as he is refusing to do basic therapy saying it hurts too bad. He is mainly just zonked on pain meds these days.

So Mark is in rehab and hating it because they are making him work and it makes him hurt. He wants to try to take my Chihuahua Sky, which I said no she is my ESA and he was annoyed with her when he lived here at home. Anyway, I think Mark does not want to face the facts that he will not live like he was. I think he might have a bit of mobility, like getting into a wheelchair, but he will need more than 2 months of therapy. He has been in ICU and then specialized care for 3 months. I am distancing myself, a lot from all of this. Mark is a grown man still deemed competent to make his own decisions.

Thanks I will let take your suggestions. I will let them know. I will be glad to be rid of the car to be honest. The insurance is in his name and so is the car so his credit will take the hit. I understand I will be responsible to, but if I have to declare bankruptcy and let my credit recover for a couple years, so be it.

I agree with everything @pamzimmrrt wrote. The issue is that since you are married the debt is both of yours - not just his. So you will probably be on the hook in someway financially for a portion of this repossessed car. But you can't sell it since you are not on the title so it is quite the mess.

I don't know why your soon to be ex-husbands behavior is shocking to you at this point. It was only a few weeks ago that he said he wasn't going to pay any household bills because he wasn't physically living there at the moment. As for the nephew I would confront him and kick him out of your house if he is not paying rent (I think you said he was living there with you). Mark is in for a rude awakening if he ever gets out of the hospital and realizes nephew has taken him for a ride. BUT it's not your problem.

Let me see if I understand this. The car and insurance are in MArks name, but the loan and payment are in yours? Call your bank and have them put a stop payment on the amount. This will cost a few, but surely cheaper than the payment. Then call the IC and let them know the car has been repo'd and you will not be paying the bill for HIS car. Tell them they need to speak to Mark and give them one of his phone numbers. Scan/fax the receipt for the tag return ( in most states you need to have insurance as long as you have tags) This should show proof that neither of you has the car any longer. ( or at least that is does not need insurance) and show proof of the repo if you can. Not sure this will solve all your car problems, but at least it will save your money! Good luck, and it's worth a try.

Please forgive me for being a whiner, but I am so ticked off at the moment. Our car insurance was supposed to be canceled. I caved and got us a car we couldn't really afford because I allowed myself to be swayed by the "I have cancer" threat. Yes, I realize I have no one to blame but myself. Anyway, this car is going to be repoed and so the insurance was supposed to be canceled. Nope, they want to yank money out of my account I do not have and will not talk to me because it is in Mark's name. I am trying to get Mark to help me out, but I found out his nephew is already sucking money from his bank account for "rebuilding a room" for Mark.

I am suspicious of whether his nephew is really doing this or just draining money from Mark and I am angry that someone who claims to have loved me for 15 years is now kind of in a "well, forget you" state of mind.

As for how Mark is it is up still up and down. He is out of the ICU, but still not considered medically stable enough for rehab.

NeedHelpWithMom, thank you for your kind words. I have found a rental through a friend of my sister-in-law to law so I can move in June with my dogs. I will get my summer pay through August while I look for another job. They have several openings in education so hopefully that can fall into place. The house is a block away from my brother's so we can go on grocery trips and the like. I am trying to be upbeat but still sad and upset about leaving my old life.

How are you doing today, DoggieM? Thinking of you.

Yes, he had a treatment today but was super weak. I just don't see rehab in his future. I think that he will need to see that skilled nursing will have to be his future.

At least if he is in the ICU he is not creating havoc and problems for you.

DoggieMom,

So sorry that Mark is in the ICU. It’s stressful. Know that we are with you during this difficult time.

Just an update, Mark is back in the ICU. He had low blood pressure, like super low and they had to put him on drugs to get his BP to a normal level (he was doing a dialysis treatment). He has some kind of chest infection now as well the Ferris wheel is going around and around.

I am moving to a smaller town so I can drive. I can drive in a smaller area, just not big city traffic. Mark will be going to a rehab IF the facility he is in now sees initiative. Mark, so far, does not want to participate in rehab. I have asked for consultations from attorneys. I don't have assets and no kids so the divorce should not be too complicated other than Mark being disabled.

Please reassure us as soon as you see an attorney.
Please open your own checking account. It doesn't need to be at your current bank. If your paycheck goes automatically into any account then the bank where you open your new account can arrange that. Keep this money in your name only with POD to anyone you choose. You need to transfer your finances before Nephew gets a well written POA and freezes your accounts that have Mark's name on them.
You need to act FAST, DoggieMom. You need to act fast for your financial future.

Doggie,

I am glad that you don’t have any misguided compassion for Mark.

People usually experience a great deal of hurt before they realize that they cannot continue on with a marriage.

You are making the best decision considering your circumstances.

I wish you peace and healing as you go through this difficult time.

Mark will have a hard time qualifying for Medicaid if he plans to gift his nephew's home with a remodel or upgrade.

Robert will have a hard time convincing APS he is a qualified caregiver for Mark if he plans to take a vulnerable disabled elder's money to enhance his own home with a remodel/renovation.

Maybe they both will be doing some hard time for fraud?

@Doggie, of course you can open your own bank account! Or five or seven or whatever. Whoever at Wells Fargo said you can't, that person is a moron. Go to a different bank.

Mark doesn't deserve your friendship, and there's is no cordial and polite when you've gone no contact. In your case, with his threatening you and nephew churning the waters, no contact is the only way.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Save yourself ASAP.

I am 37 and my husband is 61. His nephew is staying at my home (rental) at the moment. I am the one who makes the money as a librarian at a school. I have a doctorate and teaching license with ten years experience. I have made all the $ except his Social Security check.

Fawnby is so right, and about the details too!

With your husband's critical care needs, should he be on hospice?
Should you have had "rep-payee" for receipt of his SS funds? (To be spent only on his needs?) The responsibility to be his rep-payee cannot just be ignored, until your husband transfers this to someone else.
In the meantime, if you are rep-payee, you may be able to refuse to pay rent at the nephew's house. Don't be an April fool, got it? See your attorney about this.

Do you have your own income?

In the meantime, leave any bank that tells you that you cannot do what you need to do. Opening an account at a credit union or smaller community bank could be an option for you. Credit is often offered when a new account is opened.

Freeze both your credit and Mark's credit, as debt while you are married will follow you both.

Are you 61, or is your husband? (your profile).
You don't have to answer me, it's okay.

People can say anything, it does not make it true. Just like Mark and Robert.

When the words do not match the behavior, you go by the behavior. You are already separated, a divorce is necessary to protect your assets. Mark may have to pay you support.

Get an attorney now. The nephew is interfering in your marital finances and assets. Disassociate yourself from nephew now. Do not use him to drive you,
make your own arrangements. Your attorney may advise you to not tell him anything, and not to talk to him.

Open your own checking account. Transfer some money to yourself, any way you need to do. Hurry.

Yes, I agree, put a credit freeze on your credit. Close any credit accounts that are open without a balance. You are starting over. Maybe open a credit card in only your name, with your new P.O. Box address.

Note: You would have had to do these things whether it is because of dementia only or a divorce only. It sounds like your story is a dementia story, because that is how your husband is acting, whether or not it is motivated by malice towards you.

People say it is because the brain is broken. It's maybe not him, it's the disease. With the nephew inserting himself into the marital finances and influencing your husband, you cannot survive unless you close that down and save yourself.

I know someone who is in the stage where one day, people are their friend, and the next day, their complete enemy. The next day, the person does not recall the fight, the black-out, or anything they said or planned. This scenario is dangerous for you and your own survival if Mark should side with you again.
It is a vicious cycle and a legal liability.

Sorry for your struggles and challenges.

Luckily his SS account is separate from my main account, but I will do so anyway. Wells Fargo told me I couldn't open a different account, but I will do so. I hate having to rely on my aunt and brother right now for help, but I will and pay them back. I am staying strong and have decided not to be bitter. I am wiser, sad, and a mix of emotions, but refuse to let myself become bitter because bitterness is an emotion that will eat you alive! I know I can rebuild myself. I also found the marriage certificate and have that in my possession along with my legal papers.

I know my responsibility as a wife is over, I had hoped I could be a friend to him, but at this point it looks like it won't even amount to that. I will be cordial and polite but not overly friendly. I will let the social worker know my concerns.

Ask the attorney if you should freeze your credit so Mark doesn’t use it to renovate a room or whatever.

A divorce attorney immediately! The first consultation is often free. You have legal things to work out. Mark's on your lease. He is legally obligated to the landlord and can't walk away and leave you to pay his share. Your assets need to be divided equitably according to state law. Texas is a community property state.

Gather paperwork to take to the attorney appointment, such as the lease, proof of marriage, copies of bills, checkbook and so on. Make sure that Mark and Robert have no access to where these papers are kept. If they're in your home, hide them in case they send someone looking for them. Get a safe deposit box and put bills, paperwork, money and jewelry in it. Open your own bank account. You can empty your joint bank accounts if you wish; joint means the money belongs to both of you. It's advisable to take the money now or Mark might beat you to the punch. If ordered by the court in a settlement plan, you can give back what you must.

Tell the attorney that Mark is planning to pay for a room renovation at his nephew's. Maybe that expenditure can be frozen until an equitable division of money and property can be reached. That's a good reason for you to file for divorce immediately, like tomorrow. At that point Mark can be court-prohibited from weaseling away assets in order to hide them. As for the dog, Mark can't take care of it, he's too sick and may die soon anyway. That point needs to be considered and dealt with in the settlement.

You're telling us that you don't want Robert to mistreat Mark and that you're worried that Mark won't be comfortable. This is a wife concerned for her husband. Based on your decision to divorce and on Mark's hostility and sneakiness toward you, it's time to stop thinking as his wife. Realize that you need to protect yourself because no one else will. Mark is not your friend. Robert isn't either. Your responsibility as a wife is almost over.

Cut off all contact with Mark because anything he observes or that you do or say could be used against you. From now on, he is entitled to no conversation, no help, no advice, no nothing from you. Declare that all contact with you should be through your attorney and don't waver from that. This will save you a lot of grief as things progress. Block Mark on your phone.

Ask the attorney about preparing the filing as soon as possible and serving divorce papers to Mark as a complete surprise. Not only does this save you from back-and-forth unproductive conversation in negotiating with Mark, but it gives you a psychological advantage in the proceedings. If he's gobsmacked, you have the upper hand.

Find another ride to work. Robert is not your friend.

I hope you stay strong and can get out of this impossible situation ASAP. Good luck in finding the legal help you need.

GOOD. See an attorney. This is an emergency. Speak also with social workers about unsafe discharge to a nephew who has utterly no idea what he's doing.

I am not POA, thankfully. I am going to see an attorney.

You need an attorney AT ONCE for LEGAL SEPARATION and division of finances.
DO NOT DELAY IN THIS.
I do not blame him for not wanting to be in a nursing home.
But the nephew has no idea what he is doing here and no idea what he will be responsible for.
Please ask the social workers to discuss with Mark and Nephew together.

Meanwhile and AT ONCE go to a divorce attorney and begin action for legal separation.
If you are legal POA, after visiting attorney I would find out how best to resign that. Mark will lose everything to this nephew at worst, and at best end in care when the nephew can't take care of this.

See a social worker. See an attorney. TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS AND DON'T DELAY A SECOND.
Doggie Mom you recently said that some doctors are now questioning Marks mental acuity. If you are his POA and you question it as well and you wish to be in charge (why WOULD YOU?) then you can go for guardianship. A social worker may be able to get you temporary guardianship. But otherwise you need to save yourself while you can. It is impossible to take care of someone demented and/or who doesn't want your care. You recently told us of your stress and anxiety disorders. You don't need this.