I am in a live in caregiving role for a lady who was my neighbor for 7 years before i moved in 4 years ago. We have known each other for 11 years total. I did some things for her before I lived here such as shopping, cleaning, yard work and some meals. Nearly 4 years ago she asked me to move in as she began to need more help. My son was still a teen at the time and moved in as well.
Back then I was working full time making a good salary. About 2 years ago it became clear that she needed more help and supervision and is adamantly against going to AL. She offered to leave me her home and had an attorney write her will to that effect if I agreed to care for her in her home until the end. At that time she also gave me POA for everything and named me as executor. She has no family at all. No one. My son and i worked opposite shifts to make sure she isnt ever alone. About a year ago she had a bad fall and we realized that she needs me here even more so I quit my job and now only work part time. This is causing me to be at a deficit every month and I'm going into debt providing for her increasing needs. I have tried to have conversations with her about the reality of the situation and that it is not sustainable. I have tried to explain inflation, cost of living increases, all the little expenses that have crept up and added up over the last 3 years. She meanwhile has a surplus of income every month due to me paying more than my fair share as well as fixing some things in her budget to save her money. She doesn't spend it on anything, it just grows in her bank account while I struggle to make ends meet. I have tried to explain that we are in this together until the end and that I need her to pitch in more. Also the house needs repairs that she refuses to spend money on but I can't in good faith spend MY money on when it's not yet my house so its becoming increasingly shabby and in disrepair. Her response to any difficult conversation is to tell me that I can find a new place to live if I don't like it. As if she is doing me a favor by letting me live here. She thinks the 2 rooms my son and I occupy at no cost make up for everything else I spend on her care and that of maintaining her household and property, not to mention all the hours of unpaid labor and lost wages from reducing to part time work. I have tried to explain the excellent deal she is getting on care by comparing what an actual paid caregiver would cost her but now she is saying I am not a caregiver, but rather a tenant. She says a real caregiver would be 24/7 by her side which is not humanly possible nor legal. Even professional paid caregivers get time off.
She also still goes to the bathroom by herself and sponge bathes herself (she refuses to let me help her shower) so insists that I'm not providing the duties of a caregiver although I do literally everything else because she cant.
I can't get her to budge on this, but I do have POA for all things- health care, legal, and financial. My question is at what point am I able to pay bills with her money instead of mine? Of course only things for her care, household, and property would apply. It adds a layer to this situation that the money in her account will also become mine once she passes, but I need the help NOW. What are my rights in this situation? What should I avoid doing?
Honestly, I would feel the same way in her situation. Mobility is almost completely gone. The walker isn't enough anymore but she refuses a wheelchair. I believe that once she cant use the walker at all that she will completely give up. She has also talked about assisted suicide but is a NPC and not sure how God will feel about that. I told her I don't thinks it's legal in our state anyway.
IMO, people should have the right to go when they feel the time is right and no law or religion should dictate that.
Personally, if I was in her situation or was diagnosed with a terminal disease, I would want to end it myself while I still had the strength to do it myself. Family tends to talk the person into continuing the fight. NH will artificially keep them alive to get more money. I have alot of love for this woman as my friend, but I am also emotionally removed enough from the situation, unlike family, to respect her wishes to die as she sees fit.
And just because this woman wants to die doesn't mean it'll happen any time soon and having her completely bed bound would make the situation that much harder - and that shouldn't be a goal.
Instead of spending time thinking about hospice or talking to her about assisted suicide (which she surely doesn't fall into that category), as a "caregiver" I think your efforts in trying to maintain her mobility since she's still using a walker is important. And your son's girlfriend living with you - she's getting rent free...and so maybe she should be also helping this woman with some senior exercises (there are books on Amazon for very low level exercises for seniors to maintain balance, etc). Basically, this woman shouldn't be remaining in bed all day and just buzz you when she needs something - it's actually impeding her abilities and probably making her depressed.
You said in your profile title that this "elderly friend" of yours is putting you in "financial ruin", but is she really? Doesn't it kind of balance itself - the fact that you're just recently working a reduced schedule of 3 days/week, but living rent-free for 3 people (you, your son and his gf)...if you would have rented your own house, it's expensive, right? Had you worked a full time schedule, a big chunk of the salary would have been going to rent of a house - and here, there's obviously the incentive of the possibility of receiving this inheritance.
And, you said she refuses to drink water...then offer other things, like tea...or iced tea...or flavored water, etc. I just found your last message a little off-putting and dark - I think you're getting nervous about an unpredictable future - and you wouldn't want that to effect her level of care giving - such as rush the process of her decline in any way. That is not ethical.
I dismiss the posts implying you’re some sort of grifter—I do believe you care about this woman and are acting in her interest. In fact, I think you’re putting her interests above your own, not thinking this all the way through.
You have a grown son and are still able to physically care for a mobility impaired person. I’d estimate you’re somewhere between 40-60 years old. These should be prime earning years for you. Assuming you are on your own, this is the time to be saving for retirement and accruing maximum benefits if you have a pension. (I’ll assume you’ve put in enough years to qualify for social security and Medicare benefits, but just these are not enough.)
I understand wanting a home. You indicated that home prices are extremely high where you live. That usually means the upkeep and maintenance is high too. Will you have the income to keep the house once it’s yours? I guess maybe you could sell it to fund your retirement.
I can also understand your friend’s concern about running out of money. If I lived in a high cost area and my assets consisted of $20,000 plus a home in need of repairs I’d be more than a little concerned too. Actually, I don’t live in a high cost area and I’d be terrified.
This situation doesn’t seem financially feasible to me. People can and do live many years in her condition. Let’s say she relents and allows you (or you are legally able to force her) to spend her money to repay you and get her some more paid care and the other things you want to do. Now the $20,000 is gone and her monthly expenses increase to the amount of her income. It isn’t nearly enough for full time care so you are still working only part time and making up the difference. You can’t work yourself out of this situation.
People aren’t talking about Medicaid and nursing homes to be mean. They’re saying this because it’s really the only way for someone without much money or family to be cared for when they reach the end stage. There are people who have lived this.
My husband and I cared for his mother in our home the last three weeks of her life. She was very easy, loving and grateful every day. I had to help her get to the toilet but she was small so I was physically able to support her. We had hospice. There were two of us and we were retired. I can tell you this is not sustainable long term, no matter how much you love them.
You are free to ignore the advice, but please don’t disparage our motives. If you ask the question you will get honest answers. We can’t promise you’ll like them.
I think you need to re-frame your perspective because noting in your heading that this woman is causing you "financial ruin" seems incorrect. You've lived with her for 4 years - at least 3 of these years, you maintained your full-time job and earned your full salary - and even worked from home during the pandemic. And during this time, you lived rent and utility free - so wouldn't this three year period of a full time salary and rent free of a house provided a surplus of savings? It's only been of lately that you reduced your schedule to 3 days - but now that you've been approved to work remotely, maybe you'll be able to return to a full time schedule - and you're still living rent free.
Plus, now the girlfriend is there rent free. This elderly women sounds like she's remaining in her bedroom mostly and, if anything, you, your son and this girlfriend take up the majority of the house - she has less percentage of her house. And who wouldn't be depressed confined like that - without even any assistance in improving her mobility!
Instead of focusing on things like mowing her lawn (which as POA, hiring a service to do this is inexpensive) or laundry /or house cleaning (which can also be outsourced inexpensively), I think it'd be more beneficial to help this woman on her balance and walking. Isn't that why you're there? Plus, she needs in-home P/T arranged thru Medicare.
I think your mindset has been on the wrong tactical things rather than focusing on her mind, body and spirit. Is that why she refers to you as a "tenant?" Are you engaging her in anything (ie playing a board game, hobby, helping her stretch/low exercise, etc)? You should be encouraging her out of her bedroom - even watching TV in the living room during the day...having some meals in her kitchen. Staying in bed and confined to a bedroom would erode the best of anyone - especially their circulation - you must know that.
And she's also paying property taxes I'd assume, so that's costly...you've repeated the idea that you feel she's bringing in so much income monthly. I have no doubt that one way or the other, you will make sure that house will become yours...but for now, I really do hope that you provide the right care in good faith to this woman.
Stop going into debt for her. You cannot afford it! It's time that you tell her how to better use the $2k she gets per month so that she can live out her days at home including hiring someone to come in and give her a proper bath every week. It's a hygiene thing and it's particularly important as our lady bits are tucked away. Keeping them clean is essential to prevent infections.
Because she's so cheap and agency help is so expensive and often has a minimum number of hours before they'll even bother with you, is there a nursing school nearby? Maybe a nursing student or some such person would want to earn some extra money to help her bathe?
It's really no surprise that once she had your help and companionship she did better and was no longer at death's door. But really, she owes you an apology and she needs to be told that having difficult conversations is part of the bargain of any caring relationship.
Yes, she was at deaths door before we moved in. She had a hip replacement 5 years ago. There were complications and she came home and didn't get out of bed for way too long. No one even knew or cared except me. I got her up and around, back to a healthy weight, and what started as an occasional errand became a full time job.
"Rent free" is such a bad way to look at this.
It would be like if my boss at my real job decided to not pay me, make me buy all my own supplies and some of theirs, pay utilities at the office AND charge me rent to sit at my desk.
So stop with the BS accusations that my life is easy because I "don't pay rent." Ridiculous.
And, really, I do think it would benefit you to have her more mobile - there's a small window where someone can actually still benefit from Physical Therapy and if she looses that, it's going to be ultimately much harder for you. If you need to be more assertive in setting it up rather than leaving it to her, I understand it won't be easy dealing with her, but it may prove to be beneficial in the long run - for both of you.
I hope everything works out for both of you ~
Here's the link to the other post.
I feel the need to point out to the naysayers that yes, I was working a full time job in the beginning while supporting my college kid as many parents do, so no, I did not have a ton of disposable income.
And until my son's school became online due to covid, work and the store are literally the only places I went. Once he was home all the time I was finally able to get some respite. Now his gf is the respite for him so that he can work, too.
It takes a village and we are it.
You have had many many replies to your first questions, and you don’t like the answers. Perhaps your ‘reason for being on this website’ is really to find support for the choices you have already made, and perhaps congratulations for being so wonderful. You are probably realistic enough that no-one has a magic wand to waive over your ‘friend’ and make her more reasonable to you about current money issues or long term security.
You are putting a lot of your own skin into the waiting game. After the many posts to you, all anyone can do is to wish you luck.
So, good luck for the future, and for things working out the way you hope!