She is doing well in memory care but has little social interaction because she is higher functioning than the other residents. Still has times when she is “sick” and wants meds and stays in bed. Can be very demanding
It seems as if she's in a good place. Never mess things up when they're going well enough.
What's the difference between well and well enough? It's kind of like the Rolling Stones song: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well, you just might find you get what you need."
One of the things you need is someone else taking care of her. Not you. Eventually this will spiral downward, and you should not be dragged down with it. Her memory care place is prepared to deal with her as she gets worse, and no matter what you think now, you will not be.
Social interaction? She's socially interacting with those who care for her every day, and with you, and other people also. She's not going to be gadding about town to luncheons, taking in a movie, waltzing around the ballroom dance floor. That's how it is now. To expect more isn't fair to her.
It's very sad to watch someone's mental decline, but at some point it's better to accept it rather than pretend we can fix it if we just do this or one more thing or another thing or find something out or get more people working on it or exhaust ourselves even further because dang it we're not doing enough enough enough....
If she is doing well in care, I would not even entertain thoughts of bringing her home.
Don't let YOUR feelings of guilt or obligation cloud your clear thinking.
Dementia patients rarely get 'better'. Actually, they probably never do. And a facility that has 24/7 care is actually much, much better than one person caring for another person 24/7/365.
Leave well enough alone.
My MIL had a fall and spent short stint in the hospital. The time to move her to full time care came and went and now she's in home-Hospice, with no end in sight. It's been beyond brutal on all involved.
She is marginally 'better' than she was, but still 'qualifies' for care. We're now just waiting for the next 'fall' and the endless repeat that is her life now--falls, hospital, back home with more needs and less cognition.
Leave it alone, she is doing ok and the dementia will continue to progress, there is no cure for this disease of the mind.
Trust me, her higher functioning stage can go downward at any time.
She needs to stay right where she is. My step-mother is in MC, she likes to walk outside and pick up dead leaves, rocks and so forth, we TT the Admin and they now take her out a couple of times a week for a short walk, she can't the wonderful finds back tho.
TT the admin ask for ideas to get her out of the room for socialization.
I’ll echo what others here say, to talk with admin and staff and come up with ideas. Maybe an outside program, visits…something. If she’s doing well in a memory care that is a very good thing!
I had the same dilemma with my mom, she had to go into memory care but was high functioning. Really felt for her and started to look into larger facilities that had more residents and less mixing of extreme cognitive levels. Then covid came so no move was possible. As time passed I saw how fantastic mom’s little MC is and realized that there is almost no staff turnover. No turnover in the difficult world of elder care is like stumbling into hidden treasure. They really care and do the best with what they’ve got.
Mom’s declined a lot and is now lower functioning. I’m incredibly glad she stayed put in her small MC even though she was at the higher level when she came in. Ideally in MC homes there can be separated groups of functioning levels, but knowing what I know now, if I had to look again and had a choice I’d choose the little clean place with barely any turnover over a place with more higher functioning residents.
If your mom is overall doing well in MC I would hang onto that situation. IMO keep her there and look for workarounds to help keep her occupied. Another idea I’ve mentioned on other threads is to give her things to sort. I had mom’s space filled with too much of her disorganized stuff, to give her something to have control over while she decided what to keep. Yes it was aggravating but it also gave her a bit of power back, if that makes sense. Not a solution for everyone but it helps a little in my case. Mainly I went with too many framed pictures and a couple of boxes of items.
FYI my mom called me daily saying she was in jail. It’s really hard and I feel for you! Know that you’re giving her the best care possible.
Taking her home is more disruption in her life. Dementia patients do best with routine and constancy. So you take her home now and then some time later when she is ready you check her back in? Let her be and as others suggested you can do things to enhance her life there.
If she is doing well where she's at, please leave well enough alone. I know of some facilities that will allow their higher functioning folks from memory care to go to different programs they have going on in the assisted living side, so you may want to look into that. Sadly Nancy will only continue to get worse, so again if she's doing well where she's at and getting the care she needs, it's best to leave her there. And like already suggested, you can hire someone to go spend time with her there when you can't be there, if that makes you feel better. I know it has to be hard as you want to do what is best for Nancy, but please remember that you also have to do what is best for you too.
Daisycat here thank you for posting this.Just moved my mom to skilled nursing side of nursing home. I am wanting to make sure I did the right thing my mom is 91 and had a hospital stay of 5 days Dr. said she could not live by herself anymore and she has dementia. Again thank you it helps so much when other people give good advice.
Remember that her cognitive condition won't remain the same, it will continue to change and decline. So, even if you chose to bring her home now she'd only need more care eventually (and that may be sooner than expected).
If she is high-functioning, consider talking to the admins about folding her into "volunteering" and acting as a helper to some staff members so that she has purpose to her days and interaction with higher-functioning people.
What's the difference between well and well enough? It's kind of like the Rolling Stones song: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well, you just might find you get what you need."
One of the things you need is someone else taking care of her. Not you. Eventually this will spiral downward, and you should not be dragged down with it. Her memory care place is prepared to deal with her as she gets worse, and no matter what you think now, you will not be.
Social interaction? She's socially interacting with those who care for her every day, and with you, and other people also. She's not going to be gadding about town to luncheons, taking in a movie, waltzing around the ballroom dance floor. That's how it is now. To expect more isn't fair to her.
It's very sad to watch someone's mental decline, but at some point it's better to accept it rather than pretend we can fix it if we just do this or one more thing or another thing or find something out or get more people working on it or exhaust ourselves even further because dang it we're not doing enough enough enough....
You're doing fine. Good luck!
Don't let YOUR feelings of guilt or obligation cloud your clear thinking.
Dementia patients rarely get 'better'. Actually, they probably never do.
And a facility that has 24/7 care is actually much, much better than one person caring for another person 24/7/365.
Leave well enough alone.
My MIL had a fall and spent short stint in the hospital. The time to move her to full time care came and went and now she's in home-Hospice, with no end in sight. It's been beyond brutal on all involved.
She is marginally 'better' than she was, but still 'qualifies' for care. We're now just waiting for the next 'fall' and the endless repeat that is her life now--falls, hospital, back home with more needs and less cognition.
Trust me, her higher functioning stage can go downward at any time.
She needs to stay right where she is. My step-mother is in MC, she likes to walk outside and pick up dead leaves, rocks and so forth, we TT the Admin and they now take her out a couple of times a week for a short walk, she can't the wonderful finds back tho.
TT the admin ask for ideas to get her out of the room for socialization.
I had the same dilemma with my mom, she had to go into memory care but was high functioning. Really felt for her and started to look into larger facilities that had more residents and less mixing of extreme cognitive levels. Then covid came so no move was possible. As time passed I saw how fantastic mom’s little MC is and realized that there is almost no staff turnover. No turnover in the difficult world of elder care is like stumbling into hidden treasure. They really care and do the best with what they’ve got.
Mom’s declined a lot and is now lower functioning. I’m incredibly glad she stayed put in her small MC even though she was at the higher level when she came in. Ideally in MC homes there can be separated groups of functioning levels, but knowing what I know now, if I had to look again and had a choice I’d choose the little clean place with barely any turnover over a place with more higher functioning residents.
If your mom is overall doing well in MC I would hang onto that situation. IMO keep her there and look for workarounds to help keep her occupied. Another idea I’ve mentioned on other threads is to give her things to sort. I had mom’s space filled with too much of her disorganized stuff, to give her something to have control over while she decided what to keep. Yes it was aggravating but it also gave her a bit of power back, if that makes sense. Not a solution for everyone but it helps a little in my case. Mainly I went with too many framed pictures and a couple of boxes of items.
FYI my mom called me daily saying she was in jail. It’s really hard and I feel for you! Know that you’re giving her the best care possible.
However, only you know Nancy; we don't know anything about her really. That makes YOU the best judge in a decision that impacts you all.
Sadly Nancy will only continue to get worse, so again if she's doing well where she's at and getting the care she needs, it's best to leave her there.
And like already suggested, you can hire someone to go spend time with her there when you can't be there, if that makes you feel better.
I know it has to be hard as you want to do what is best for Nancy, but please remember that you also have to do what is best for you too.
If she is high-functioning, consider talking to the admins about folding her into "volunteering" and acting as a helper to some staff members so that she has purpose to her days and interaction with higher-functioning people.
Some residents need much more adjustment time than others.