To have a memorial service or not?

I was actually shocked at the number of people that showed up at my Husbands funeral. One couple flew in from South Carolina to Illinois, another person drove from Michigan. Both had to leave to return home right after the funeral. The funeral home said that they would normally have recommended a 2 day wake for a gathering of that size. I had no idea at all this number would show up. All from the obit and word of mouth. ( I did quietly wonder where they all had been for the past 10 years!)
So you never know who or how many will show up.
Do what you and the family feel comfortable doing and do not over spend.
It is perfectly logical given current circumstances to have a family only service and have a Celebration of Life at a later date.

My mind has turned to funeral planning which could happen soon or maybe not. Dad has requested something ridiculously complicated in a different state, in a cemetery where his parents are buried but in a town where his kids don't live. And involving a religious domination that he has not been active in (so I'm not sure they would even honor a request from a non-parishioner from a different city). It kind of overwhelms me thinking how to make this happen for him. A cremation would have been so simple but my siblings are aware of his wishes.

I personally think the person planning it should only do what they are willing and able to deal with. I like the idea of small and uncomplicated and I think your family and his friends would understand and even be relieved.

Any choice you make is fine. My dad died last summer, he’d wanted a big funeral. I was in charge and it didn’t happen. We had a small outdoor funeral, no reception, no flowers, just a quick service. It was best for all of our emotional and physical health that it all be simple and quick. I have no regrets. Do whatever you feel is right and have no guilt about it. Those who love you will understand and the rest don’t matter. I’m sorry for your loss

LAnn, I'm so sorry for your loss, especially as you're trying to decide the best method of a final goodbye.

Since your father wanted something simple, I would stick with that.   Funerals are expensive, memorials or celebrations of someone's life can be much different, and much more personalized.  

Unfortunately you wouldn't know how many local friends or acquaintances he had until they showed up at the funeral home.   I think what I would do is discuss with the funeral director if he/she would handle the cremation, but hold off on a funeral (that's what I did).   The obituary could include a line that funeral arrangements are not yet finalized and interested parties could contact the family, but don't give out personal addresses or phone numbers, as you don't know who might reply.

I suggest this b/c some criminals review the obituaries for dates on which funerals occur, knowing that family members identified would most likely be away, and the house vacant and more susceptible to robberies.  

You could include in the obit a new e-mail, nondescriptive, and judge from the responses whether or not it's justified for an actual funeral, or a less formal get-together at the graveside.

I did something similar, for a variety of reasons, primarily safety as well as some friction that existed.   I just had an impromptu graveside gathering, with the anticipation of a celebration of life later.   But after I saw the feuding in the family and the aggressiveness of some church members, I decided to pass on that.

My niece told me of a unique celebration of life for a CA surfer.   His friends who also were surfers paddled out into the ocean, and one of them scattered his ashes there.   I thought that was really touching, and so appropriate for a  surfer.  (Of course, if you weren't a surfer, I guess you didn't participate in the ocean trip.)

I hope you find a solution that works for you and gives you comfort.

My dad passed away last night. Even though I knew it was coming I’m still gutted. I was with him for 3 days until the end. It was just me since I’m his only child. I’m planning everything by myself. It’s so overwhelming. Tomorrow I have to tell my grandmother that her son died. She’s deaf and in a nursing home so I have to tell her in person. I’d want to do that anyway, but it’s going to be so hard.

My MIL lived in FL and wanted to be buried in NJ with my FIL. Family down there arranged the cremation and the Funeral home supplied a small luncheon for the 2 sons and their families who were there. Her urn was sent to us. It was Feb so we waited till May (their wedding Anniversary) to place her beside FIL. The 2 brothers drove up. It was at a National cemetery so they did the service and we had my minister say a few words. A close friend of MILs gave the luncheon for family that was present.

So my suggestion would be to wait until the actual burial since you have no idea who his friends are. Even though my MIL had lived in FL for 23yrs and had made friends, the family present had chosen to keep things family only.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do whatever give you the most comfort and peace, and don't worry about "appearances".

When mom died, we had a small funeral, with the expectation of doing a church memorial this spring, when hopefully everything opened back up. Well, things here really haven't improved, numbers wise, and the longer the time goes since she passed, the more I have been thinking that a full-on church service is unnecessary. We were really doing it more for my niece, since she was unable to fly in, and was hoping to get back East in the Spring, but again, I don't see that happening.

Whichever decision you make will be the "right" one, as long as you are reasonably sure you won't look back, beating yourself up afterwards.

And you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. (((hugs))))

Geaton,

I love the idea of a tree. Thanks for mentioning this. My friend planted a young maple tree in my yard when my father died in 2002.

Every time I look at my tree I think of my father. It’s grown so much and is a beautiful tree. This is a lovely way to remember our loved ones.

I agree with the simple and private family memorial service. If your dad had a deep affection for his hometown or lived there for decades, you can consider making a permanent memorial in his memory, like installing a park bench or donating a beautiful flowering tree, or adding equipment to a park playground, drinking fountain or concrete picnic table. It doesn't have to happen right away and you can have a dedication ceremony once covid is passed, if you want. We have neighbors who have done that in my town for their spouses. The park bench and a drinking fountain both have a plaque on them with the honoree's names. I think it's a wonderful thing to do if one is able.

Keep it very simple. There is nothing wrong with only having a private Memorial with only immediate family members.

Invite clergy if you desire but if you don’t wish to, you could read the 23rd psalm and a couple of his favorite scriptures.

You’re right in saying that Covid has changed everything.

The only other thing that I can think of is having a Zoom service.

He said a simple memorial service, so I say stick with the family-only event. Run an obituary with "private services" in it, and at least some contact information, whether it's the funeral home, or a charity for people to donate to. People can write notes and the mortuary will forward them to you. Be sure to notify the charity you choose with a family contact name and address so the charities can notify you of donations received with the names and addresses of the donors, and you can write a thank you note to the donor then.